Sometimes we all need a little place where we can clear our heads and look back on the people we used to be and see how we became the people we are today... It is through writing that I am able to learn more about me
Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. ____________________________________________________________________
This photo was taken in Cape Cod Massachusetts the day of a family friend's wedding on September 18th, 2010. This photo was taken by a good friend named Sas who has guided me through many situations, often without her even knowing it! I love this photo particularly because it represents all of the changes I went through in 2010. I lost 35 pounds by the time this photo was taken and was/still am on my way to dropping another 20 for 2K11. This photo also represents the confidence I hope that I embody and the confidence that I hope that I can continue to tap into, be proud of and make my own. In other blogs I have talked about how hard it has been for me to own my confidence, and more importantly --own me. Well this picture captures a moment where I started to OWN IT! This day also does that as well, I began to notice my inner beauty a lot more this day as many of the wedding guests, friends and family were noticing my outer beauty. It is something else to be able to say that you are proud of the person you have become and can only hope to continue to grow in light and in love. I hope that the smiling, proud young woman continues to be just as happy and full of pride in 2K11 as she was on 9-18-10
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? _______________________________________________________________________ The best moment of 2010 that served as proof that everything would be alright had to be hands down: sitting in Philly by the waterfront after participating in a job interview; and checking my email to find out that I had gotten into Grad School. I have had a path set ahead for me to be able to reach all of my goals and one of those goals were to go to American University and graduate with both my BA and my MA. And here I am, at American University I have my BA degree and working towards my MA. I have always been a worry wort, I know that I don't have the financial stability to achieve these goals on my own, but they are not things that I am giving up on either. I have prayed about it and while I do have my doubts and like I said worry- I always seem to think that the other shoe is going to fall and the goals I have before me are just one step away from slipping away from me. But truth be told, my dreams are closer than I could ever imagine and getting into the school of my dreams and doing the things that I am has made me realize even more how blessed I am and yes "Things will be alright!" I think I need to know to have a little bit more faith. I haven't been steered wrong by God, He always has my back, even when I feel that I am in the worst of times He has made it possible to live another day. So what I need to do in order to incorporate this discover into the year ahead is I need to just TRUST the path I am on and keep moving forward.
Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? ________________________________________________________________________ Ha Ha Ha! This is funny because when I go out to clubs and parties, I definitely have a new name. So I guess if I could be anyone for just a day it would be my alter ego Chloe Carter. Why would I call myself Chloe? That seems so simple, Chloe is a fun side of myself, that if I could choose I would choose to have that name. I don't think there is a real valid reason behind it, but it is one that I could think about more as I go into the new year.
How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? ______________________________________________________________________ My travel in 2010 was light. I mainly drove between D.C. and NY. However, I did spend a day in Philly met up with a friend while I was there had lunch and just hung out. This spring I also spent a week in New Orleans and Mississippi. Next year however, I have high aspirations for travel. I would like to revisit the places I spent time in as a child. So I would like to do a tour of the U.S before I am 30, just one huge road trip between the states eating my way through this great country and just seeing the country. I plan to make my first international trip in 2011, returning to the country of my heritage--Haiti. I can't wait to go and be of service to a place that holds a very dear place in my heart. While I do not think I will be financially stable to travel as I want to, what I do know is that I have made plans to travel and travel far. I am making plans for a trip to Spain and Europe. I want to spend a weekend in Chicago (but only in the summer). 2011 will bring my first trip back to Cali after 2 years. Much needed, you have NO CLUE what the Bay Area means to me and I would do anything to just be able to go, even if it was for a day or even 3 days. I would make it all work. Traveling is something I have always enjoyed and something that I want to do more of. And given that I AM 25, I have the ability to do more and see more of the world at this age than I will once I am working and start my family. So traveling is a high priority for the new year.
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) __________________________________________________________________________
This is funny,because I tend to do this already as it is. Every birthday I reflect on the life I have and the life I want to make sure that I am on the right track to achieving those goals. So 5 years from now, I would hope to be a top Political Analyst in some fashion working on public policy for a huge non-profit or Government Agency. Advice for my future self: Stay true to yourself and the values that you hold dear. The road ahead is not going to be an easy one by far and the road you have journeyed on so far is a testament of that truth. So for your future self, I hope that you are very happy, focused and living the life that you have wanted. I know that serving is something that means a lot to you and I hope that you have at least let go of the concern and fear of not being successful. When I say that I wish you were happy, I wish that you were happy and free from the chains of your own fear. Without letting anything hold you back. You tend to hold on to a lot of pain that while you know that you can be successful you let that pain turn into doubt and you wait constantly for the other shoe to drop rather than being happy and content with the life that you are leading. So the advice I will give you, enjoy the life that you have. In five years if you aren't married and having kids I hope that you are at least enjoying your life, traveling and seeing the world the way that you want to. And know that if in 5 years the life you want isn't the one you have--it doesn't mean that that life still isn't great. As long as you can share it with good company, friends and family you will be very well off and all the better.
A letter to a past love: Dear Keesha (age 15): I know that the road ahead seems very bleak, considering the life that you have and the one that you had. It might seem now that things are never going to get better, that the life you live with your mother is going to become worse but I want to share something with you- YOU WILL SURVIVE it all. And there is this saying--Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger, I have to tell you that there is so much truth in that statement and you are a living testimony to that saying. Don't look at the choices you are making as mistakes, there are many opportunities to change these choices but even these times in your life make you a so much better person in the future. You have lived the lifetime of three lives and it is simply amazing to see the woman that you have become. Hold on to those nice qualities that you have, the one where you give the people in your life the benefit of the doubt before they disappoint you, the one where you allow your friends to get second chances etc. Because it only makes you a better and more loved person. Most importantly the only thing I wish I could tell you at 15 is to have faith, continue to hold on to that innocence that you have and don't ever let it go. With all the love in the world. You at 25, Keesha
What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) _______________________________________________________________________
I live my life with a certain level of uncertainty and worry. I stress myself out more than the work that I do. It's funny people have told me all of my life how smart I am, to be honest I know that I have the smarts because the grades I get tell me so, but when I am in a classroom I tend to not have that much faith in me. I get feelings during my classes that the grades that I am reaching for are far out of my reach. By the time midterms and finals arrive I am one hot mess, pulling crazy all-nighters and losing so much weight I make myself sick. Literally. So are there things I am scared about, worried about, or unsure of- EVERYTHING! But I don't live my life in fear, even though I am scared about the initial opportunity but I do it anyway. I mean I moved 3,000 miles away without anyone really prompting me to. I also decided to begin my life in a completely new area that I have never lived in before. Where I virtually had no friends except for the ones I made at school and at work. So am I deterred by taking on things. No not really, I might be a little apprehensive but I still take on whatever it is that I set myself to. So next year I don't worry that I won't be able to accomplish the things that I set out to take on. What I am worried about is the fear of failure. That has been the one thing that I hold on to. In a previous prompt we were asked what 11 things could we get rid of; while I don't have a total of 11. I do know that one thing in particular that I would like to get rid of is my fear of failure. I hold on to it like a second skin and it doesn't always help me with my confidence.
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? _________________________________________________________________________________
This year I was healed by going to a counselor. I have been back and forth to counselors over the years and I have felt that returning to this form of "treatment" as a way to get through all the funk I have been through over the years. Was the healing sudden, no not really. It took months of sessions with my counselor before I started to feel somewhat normal. I am an avid supporter of therapy simply because I know the role it has played in my life and I have been very happy with it and wish to continue only because it is good to talk to someone who isn't involved in your everyday life. There is something fascinating that must be said about this relationship you have with a person and how much you let them into your life to just be an ear to listen to and a person to turn to when advice is needed. Each session has it's low and high points, so the healing is drip-by-drip, day-by-day, session-by-session. Will I ever be completely healed? I don't know. How would I like to be healed in 2011 I don't know yet. I think everyone needs a little bit of healing but what determines that healing and how we go about getting it is always going to be different.
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it? ________________________________________________________________________________ This is going to sound somewhat stupid and there is no way to really "try" it is all about just doing; but next year I want to try and date. OMG, I cannot believe I am writing this. But I am 25 and I have had a few "serious" boyfriends and more "friends" than I have had dating and getting to know people. Most of these "friends" and boyfriends have been from my inner circle of friends or circle of people I know either through school, work or the other millions of things I do in my life. But I haven't necessarily dated, it has gone from flirting to some sort of relationship. When I turned 25 it was something I wanted to at least be open to, to dating. Well this year I have only gone on one date and it was such a flop I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it again. But to be honest there is something to say about being single and not really having fun. I mean I like being single but being single would be fun if I was dating. I mean I am single and rarely go out and to be honest I miss cuddling with someone. I don't care if they are my boyfriend or friend, but I just want someone who I can watch a movie with. Call to ask if they want to go out to dinner or bowling or something of that nature. So this is what I attempted but failed miserably at this year and something that I want to try for next year.
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? __________________________________________________________________________________ As I have alluded to and spoke about in previous blogs the backdrop of my parents' broken relationship has played a toll on the woman that I am. Some of it good, some of it bad. And this year I was able to let go of more of those negative pressures and focus on myself a little bit more. So the best thing that I learned about myself this past year is that I no longer have to live my life in fear of my parents' shortcomings. I have for the longest time felt that no matter what other people have told my-- there was something wrong with me and that was why my parents split and also why they are the way they are. But for the first time I have learned to live out of that shadow and to live my life for me. No longer holding on to the past as a background of my story, but only holding on to the present and looking forward to the future. Applying this lesson for the future I hope to build on the confidence I have gained and find more ways to be happy with me. One it's no longer holding on to the errors that other people have made towards me, whether it's no being very good friends or human beings. Two, it's me owning the ability to cut people out of my life that are toxic. I think that I have done a fairly good job of distancing myself from these people that have caused a lot of trouble or just been too much about the drama that it hinders me from continuing to progress. And lastly applying this lesson is me owning that there are many things out of my control but the one thing that I can hold on to make me truly happy is owning that there are things out of my control and moving on from there.
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? ___________________________________________________________________________
If you had asked me this a year ago, I might have had a better response to give you, but given that I had a friendship that changed my view in the past the way I value friendships today is MUCH different. My friends often tell me that I am too nice. I go above an beyond the "call of duty" when it comes to my friends. Mainly because due to my tumultuous family background, my friends have often been the only stable group in my life. And being "raised" in California I was largely being raised by my older friends. Working at Chili's over the years provided me with a great base of people to turn to when I need/needed it. One of those friendships was someone I relied on for the better part of my high school career and the first few years of college. He was my first crush and my best friend. I looked to him for guidance in so many areas of my life. Even when we were no longer working together I had his back and I thought he had mine. I don't know what went wrong or if there was anything I did that was wrong. What I do know is that for the last 3 years I have heard nothing from him. Even after reaching out during those times when I thought it best to. But what I learned is that I care too much for people and that most often my above and beyond is not the same that others would even think to do for me. It's not to say that I have to have a shield around myself in order to test my friendships but I feel that everyone goes through this life searching for someone they can relate to. And the people that I have been most able to relate to even as a kid were guys. So with my old best friend cutting me out of his life with no explanation--it kills me! I hate it and it leaves me frustrated and annoyed about everything. There are moments that I think of him when I have something great I want to share and I remember that he is no longer that person in my life. Even now as I type this the emotion of it all still rushes back to me. I am mixed with both anger and deep sadness because I know that if there was anything I could do to get it back I would. But there is also a part of me who has realized I'm over giving second chances. I don't know the person he is today and to be honest I don't know if I want to know who he is considering that the person he is now is a person who has hurt me more than he will ever know. To answer the question, was the change gradual or a sudden burst. Well the initial shift in our friendship was a sudden burst, but my accepting that this was where our relationship stood; well that was gradual and something that I still cannot explain or figure out. What I do know is that while I am searching for that "best friend" I am also no longer as shocked by the disappointment of being let down either.
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. _______________________________________________________________________
If I could capture a few things to remember bout 2010, I would definitely remember my 25th birthday. Turning 25 was the moment that changed the confidence I have had in myself. I have become more positive in my thinking and have let go of all of the extra clutter in my life. So that is one memory that I would love to hold on to from 2010, the moment where I got my life back (started living). Another memory that I would love to capture from my 2010 memory bank is of course my graduation from American University. If I do nothing with my Master's degree, than what I do have is the fact that I received my BA, one goal of mine that while I didn't expect it to take this long, it was something that I achieved for myself. I am very proud to have set out to reach a goal, get there and surpass even my own expectations while doing it. The last memory I would like to hold on to from 2010 is the moment I let go of a true love. He may not know who he is, but I do. And I know what he meant to me and while I never told him it is something that I don't want to forget. Mainly because I don't want to forget the reality of letting go. There are reasons why we say goodbye to people, because they are only meant to be in our lives for a minute or a season, and so I need to remember this in order to move forward.
What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? _____________________________________________________________________________
This is not at all a need to toot my own horn, but I have to say that one thing I have come to appreciate the most this past year is myself. I have lived my life for so long trying to please other people and making sure others were satisfied before I began to "take care" of myself. But this year I got in tune with myself. From experience I know that people tend to say that as individuals we don't really know the type of people we want to be, but I have been blessed to at least have an idea of the person that I want to become. But what I have been lacking was confidence in myself, and for the first time I feel that I am finally in sync with who I want to be and what I want to become. How do I express gratitude for this, I live my life better than the day before and continue to live my life to the fullest and to the best of my abilities. I do not want to get held up in the things I can't control, only the things that I can. And I know that because I have allowed myself to become more confident in the things I know that I am good at I have begun to have more positive habits to lean on. For instance I have had weight issues for most of my adolescent to adult life, and this is the first year that I have not teetered back and forth in the weight gain/loss swing. I have held on to the growth that I have created and I have continued to stick with the program. Something that I can only hope I continue to do in order to get to where I want to go. So in my appreciation of myself and how far I have come in my self development and my identity support, I show my gratitude by not forgetting how far I have come and where I want to go. I show my gratitude by continuing to be committed to my goals and my dreams.
When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step? ____________________________________________________________________________
There is something about this prompt that is a little funny. Why? Because action seems to be my motto. My university personal statement was about "Ideas into Action and action into service" something of a motto at our school. And something that I believe in as well. I also use this saying often " Actions speak louder than words" I believe whole heartedly that my actions speak much louder than the words that I say. If I am going to get anywhere in life I want my actions to be able to attest to the person that I want to be. So when it comes to my aspirations the same metality applies. I have many goals in life and it is easier to say that one day I will reach these goals versus actually doing something to get to those goals. I have been through a lot in my life and I have never left any these obstacles stop me from acheiving my goals. If I stop for one moment, by giving up or sucummbing to my own fear of not reaching these goals than I ultimately should just turn the clock back 6 years and continued working at Chili's after High School. It would have saved me a lot of money and a lot of stress, that's for sure. But that's not what this life is about. I do the things that I do to ensure that I have a legacy to leave behind me. While I would like to rest, there is no rest for the driven. I can rest once I know that the goals and dreams I have set for my family, my legacy are fullfilled. Sucess is even more of an aspiration because generational wealth is not something that many Black families are able to pass on to their families and it is something that I definitely want to pass on to my children. I want them to still have to work because the value of working is important but I want them to also have a little bit of ease in the choices that they make because I have provided enough for them. I don't want to have my children feel the things that I have to feel and have felt due to a lack of financial stability etc. So I "grind" like I do so that I can live my life with a little bit of ease and begin to set the foundation for my family to do the same. The next step is to continue to do me, to continue on this path that God has set for me because I feel it in my bones and in my heart that this is where I am meant to be and this is where I will continue to do the most work until I am told otherwise.
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? ___________________________________________________________________________
There is not one time when I feel most integrated with my body, but there are definitely moments this year where I have felt more connected to my body than I have had in a long time and that is when I run. When I run I take the time to think, to talk to God and to just get in touch and sort out the thoughts that I have in my head. Running is therapy at times, especially when I have had a hard day, i am able to clear my head and think about all of the things that are bothering me. It helps me sort the clutter and come up with a game plan to let it all go. When I started running it was hard for me, I never felt like I could breathe right, I was always stopping short and it just didn't seem as if I had it at all together. But now after running for the last, what?, 2 years, I run and it's like my body doesn't skip a beat. Especially when there are times that I don't run consistently. I find that I am more in tune when I am able to run long distances after taking these longer breaks in between running days. I used to have to talk (literally) talk myself into running further distances. But now I just do it, it is seamless and actually a lot of fun. So when I run, or workout I feel that my body and my mind are the most in sync. I don't have the distraction of a cell phone to be focused on, it is just me and my body working hard to achieve a certain goal.
What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? __________________________________________________________________________________
This is such a good prompt. What 11 things can I get rid of: 1. Fear 2. Drama 3. Lack of Confidence 4. Stressing over other people's lives and actions 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11.
(12-14-2010: So I am going to need to come back and really think about 11 things I can get rid of in 2011. This one is interesting...)
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? ____________________________________________________________________________________
The wisest decision I made was to FINALLY let go of the people in my life who have in someway inflicted pain into my life. And not so much let them go, but let go of the pain itself. I have had many issues with my mother in respect to the fact that she abducted me, took me away from my family and friends. And more importantly because she blames me for the actions that she has taken. I know that I could always hold on to the pain that my mother caused me, but I know that if I do I will let the resentment and the drama consume and hinder me from reaching the girls that I want to get to. So this year I let it go. It was the best decision to make because I finally was able to breathe for myself, to be happy and confident with the woman I was becoming. Now I get to make these mistakes that only have to do with me and no one else and while mistakes may not always be good thing, in this case it's the best thing because I get to grow out of these mistakes only for myself. I am blessed to be alive this long there was a moment when I thought I wasn't going to make it. But I am here and I am so thankful! I have a lot more offer the world out there and I think that with the journey and the life I have lived so far the messages I have to give the world will go far.
What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. ____________________________________________________________________________ Ha Ha Ha! The Social gathering that rocked my socks off in 2010 had to be my 25th Birthday celebration. HANDS DOWN! The night started off with me having dinner at a friends house and getting introduced to a blind date. Omg! Anyways because it was my birthday I had to look good. I wore a dress I borrowed from a friend, it was purple, black, blue, pink retro and cute. I curled my hair real tight and I wore these hot pink heels. For dinner my friend made some delicious food, chicken, fried green tomatoes and rice. We had some drinks, well I had plenty. Root Beer Vodka, it was interesting to say the least. We headed out to the party in Bethesda where I met some of my other friends. See the night was a celebration of my 25th birthday and another friends 21st birthday. So when we arrived most of my friends were there. We held the party at a restaurant that turns into a club at night. The music was amazing (well from what I remember) lol. they played hip hop among other things, which is my favorite music to listen to anyways, so I danced with friends and had a good night. We had a few drinks (maybe more than a few drinks). It was just a great night. While I do not remember everything from this evening, what I do know is that my friends had a FABULOUS time! I got so many compliments about the party and my friends have since said that if I was throwing another party, that they HAVE to be there! It was a fabulous event!
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.
I am not sure what makes me different from other people. I know that my life has been made up of many different experiences, however I don't know if that truly makes me different from others. I can tell you what makes people light up about me though. People light up about me because of the passion that I have. I am very passionate about many things. I am not sure of what my life will be like when I get to the end of wherever I am going, but what I do know is that I want to be able to help people. I want to make a difference in the world around me, one that is going to make people, communities and the world much better. We can only strive to be the best that we can be and I don't believe that I will be the best if I don't make other people better as well. The road I have set for me is not going to be something of an easy task. It won't pay me much, it won't support me or the goals I have for my family as much as I would like, but you know what it's not about the money it's about the end result. My biggest goal is being able to make the world better for my children to live in. So I do what I can. I don't know what drives me, well that's not true. God drives me, He has had me on this path and guided me through so much that it is only Him that knows what lies ahead. I pray everyday for the strength to keep going. I think the other thing that makes me different is the amount of adversity I have overcome and the level of grace and class that I have managed to get through it all. People don't often know how "hard" the road has been, but the thing that I have learned the most is adaptation. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So I guess this is me being stronger.
My community in 2010 has come out of the jobs that I have. I am a Resident Assistant at American University and my staff this year has come together so well. We enjoy hanging out with each other and we really look out for each other. I think the strength is that although we work together we all have different lives and different passions that don't make us have to sort of be on top of each other all the time. I think the plus is that we also genuinely like each other. We hold "family" dinners every other week, where I mainly cook (because I love it so much) and we all just hang out and relax. I get excited to get away from my hectic week and see my co-staff and just laugh and have a good time. And when we put on events, WE GO HARD!!!
My other community that I discovered is the one that was created without me and one that I have now fallen into. I work with the Frederick Douglass Distinguished Scholars Program at AU. These students are a great bunch of young adults, and my boss is great. Ironically, one of my RA staff members works with me for FDDS. Which is fabulous! So there is a bit of familiarity and something very new as well. The community I would like to connect with more deeply in 2011 is my Graduate Program Community. I haven't really felt very connected to the members in my program so it would be nice to build a cohort and grow in learning with them. So that is what I am looking forward to next semester. I am looking forward to growing in this community and growing in my learning through this community. So here is to that growth and here is to yet another year to finding my place.
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? ___________________________________________________________________________________
The last thing I made was dinner. Thanksgiving dinner to be exact. Materials, well I used cooking materials pots, pans and this beautiful new knife set that I was given by a coworker. This was my second Thanksgiving dinner that I cooked practically all by myself and it was great. I made homemade mashed potatoes, a big Turkey with a honey glaze. OOO! and the best, I made a spinach and artichoke dip as an appetizer, I think the crockpot is my new best friend especially after being able to do that.
Interestingly enough there is something I do want to make and need to clear some time for it. I have been working on a scrapbook for my sister for nearly 2 years. But I hardly have the time to be able to do it. Which is unfortunate because I think it would be a gift that she would like to have. Part of it is that I need to clear time and the other part is that I need to let go of the emotion causing me fear. The scrapbook is in remembrance of my niece who passed away 2 years ago. While its been 2 years there are things that my sister wants to hold close to her and I don't know if I am ready to bring that emotion up for her.
Maybe it will be something that I challenge myself to do in this upcoming year.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? _________________________________________________________________________________ This one is easy. I let go of a few things this year. Some of them were people and others were my own fears and things I let control me that I didn't know I was letting have so much power over me. Let's start with the people. I let go of a person who was in my life that in my opinion was toxic. Whether she admitted it or not she was a little racist and it just didn't sit well with me to have that type of person in my life. There were comments that she would make about Black people, things that I didn't even think a sane person would say. Anyways, after a few comments that she made to other people about Black people and just her lifestyle and the fact that her Facebook status was always cluttered with drama, I felt it only right to let go of her in my life. Then there were things that I let go in my life. I have had many interesting circumstances happen to me in my life. When I was 12 my parents got a divorce. By the time I turned 13 my mother had abducted me and moved me to California. I have for the most part lived my life in reaction to those circumstances and this year I chose to let go of this way that I lived my life and start living my life for myself. So with the help of weekly counseling sessions, many tears and a few blogs I have begun the process of letting it all go. So I am letting go of the person who lived her life in the shadow of the other things that have happened.
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? _________________________________________________________________________
I don't believe I cultivated a sense of wonder in my life this year, as I believe this sense of wonder has always been instilled within my life. But I know that my sense of wonder grew ten-fold and how I continued to be curious and to be amazed by the world around me was by keeping up with headlines and writing blogs about these moments in our history. My blog titled "Be the Change" is a blog where I write about the things that happen in the world around me that get me to think why did that happen? Why do we as a culture as a community make the choices that we make. Sometimes it helps me to make sense of it all, to figure out what are the problems we face and what the solutions can be. I hope that I don't ever lose this sense of wonder and I hope that I have an outlet to make sure that I provoke the wonder of another person.
One moment that I felt most alive this year was during a run I took from my school down to the Georgetown waterfront. I had what seemed like a long week, and normally when I am stressed I go for runs to find some release and refocus my energy into outlets. On this particular day as I mentioned it just seemed as if it was the close of one of the longest weeks ever. I had a lot on my mind and just needed to go for a run. I hadn't been running consistently for 2 weeks, so I wasn't really expected to run as far as I did or as fast as I did. It was a Friday night a little brisk outside but perfect for a run. I threw on my good running shoes, plugged into my iPod and took off down Wisconsin Ave. It was a Friday night at 8pm so there was some mild traffic. It was fairly dark, but with the lit sidewalk and the red and white lights of care tail and headlights I didn't feel like I could lose my way. I didn't really have an end to my run or final destination to my run in mind my goal was just to go until my body quit. So I ran, I ran and ran and ran. There was one moment that I picked up speed, rushing past restaurant goers and club hoppers. I hopped pot holes, and sidewalk construction and just kept running. I don't know what was driving me more my momentum or the thoughts in my head. As quickly as the laughter came it went even faster as I passed couples and families on the street. When I hit M Street, the street and Georgetown sort of came alive. It was a cluster of people, cars, sounds and smells coming in from the restaurants and clubs that lined M Street. This time of night the city was bustling. I didn't realize how far I had actually gotten until I hit the water front and could see the different boats lined up along the dock. Various parties had begun on these boats and the view of Roslyn with the lights of the city buildings were amazing. I decided to keep running a little further, only because I still had the energy to do so. I ended up making it to the Kennedy Center and where I eventually stopped I could see the points of the Pentagon 9-11 Memorial. I felt so accomplished that after 2 weeks of not running, I was able to run for this distance without stopping. I didn't really think of what I saw, or heard along the way until I wrote this blog. I was more impressed by the destination and the time it took and the fact that I hadn't cramped up. But it's nice to relive that moment and hopefully I can reclaim it again.
Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?
To be honest, the time that I spend on Facebook definitely does not contribute to my writing. I spend more time on Facebook than I do actually writing or focusing on my reading so that I can write better and stronger. But can I eliminate it? Not fully, part of writing is sharing with your audience. and Facebook is that audience (to an extent). What I can do however, is I can limit the time that I spend on Facebook. Spending an hour a day versus the 5 I tend to spend. I think the biggest part about my what I do each day that doesn't contribute to my writing is READING. I do not do enough READING and that is frustrating beyond anything! My goal for winter break and for the next semester is to read a book a week-- and not just a book for class but a book for leisure. One that keeps me engaged, one that shows me good writing, ones that will continue to let me grow in my writing style.
So here is to the shortcomings we have and the steps we take to correct them
Hey y'all so I signed up for this really great blog- event (for lack of a better term). Anyway it's a really interesting deal. It's called REVERB and well what it does, is you are subscribed to this "event" and everyday they send you a prompt to write about. So I will blog talking about this experience, or prompt and then I post it to my Twitter and wait for the next one. I have been in sort of a slump with life the last couple of weeks. So here goes nothing.. Are you ready?
Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
****** The word that encapsulates the year 2010 for me is FREEDOM! I have spent most of my life, correction. I have spent most of my adult life living it in other people's terms- whether it was getting away from what my life could be from the examples of my mother. Or finally releasing everything I was holding on to. this year was about me finding myself and being comfortable with myself. Freedom best describes this journey I have been on in the last year, that my life is mine alone, and I am more blessed than ever to make the most of whatever this life will bring me. As for 2011, the word that I hope will best capture the year for me is GROWTH. While learning more about myself and finally living my life for me, this year had its trials. And every year I hear people say I can't wait until next year for things to get better. Well I want the end of 2011 to be something that I am thankful for, because during that year I took the time to learn more about myself and gain experiences that I wouldn't normally have gained. So at the end of this period I want to know that I grew up or into a better version of myself.
... Hey all this is a letter more to myself than anything else. I have been going through the biggest funk the last few weeks. And while I talk about the Pretty Girl Swag and how this movement has a lot to do with my growth and development, there are still many parts of this PSG that I need to get used to and parts that I still need to develop and grow. For instance, it has taken me 25 years to have even a semblance of confidence in myself. Now when I have begun to feel proud of myself and feel accomplished I am the one who sort of sets myself up for a fall. I have heard all of my life that through the many struggles that I have been through, that I have been one that so many people look up to. I have had this support group, these amazing people who have been around me who have cheered me on no matter what and through it all. These same people even when I have been feeling down, or worried about my own ability have never been more supportive, have never been more faithful to the goals and the dreams that I have had for myself. This journey that I have taken, getting myself through college, graduating with a BA, earning a MA etc. These goals have since I can remember been my dream, that no matter what has gone on in my life, a divorce, me having no financial stability, me having some weird relationships with both or one of my parents- I have always had my brain and well, I have always had college to fall back on. For many in the Black community having a goal of getting through college is the one thing that we have had to hold onto in order to take ourselves out of our situations and make the best of what lies ahead. For me college is not just about me, its about those cheerleaders who have backed me through it all, that in those little moments when I was afraid to go on have always been there. So now that I am in Grad School, I have been walking this life as if I was dead- better phrasing necessary. I have been living this life with one foot in the door and one foot out. I told my cousin today, that I think I went into this semester fearing that it was going to be taken all away from me. I never went into this semester feeling as if I was worthy of being here. And that was a BIG mistake. So here is what I want to tell you all, for any of you who actually read this blog: There are a million thing sin life that are going to stop you from achieving your dreams. And there are a million more things in life that are going to make those dreams seem far out of reach. There are a million things in life that are going to make it feel IMPOSSIBLE to reach those goals, but there is only ONE person who really calls the shots and that is... YOURSELF. Despite all of those millions, there is only one who can really make a difference. 9 times out of 10 it only takes 1 to mess it all up. When I was at Foothill College we read this book as part of my English cohort that helped us as minorities learn how to continue on this path in college. One of the topics it covered was the "self-fulfilling prophecy". I have had this doubt in the back of my head that I wasn't going to make it, and if I don't well the only person that I have to give credit for that is myself. Not the million other things that I am afraid of taking it away from me. So now, its about sucking it up. We have one week left and then finals and while I don't know what awaits me on the other end, this is what I can say. I WILL NOT ALLOW ANOTHER MILLION AND 1 THINGS TO RUIN ALL OF MY HOPES AND DREAMS. More importantly, I WILL NOT ALLOW ONE to destroy the support of the greatest cheerleading squad a person can have. I owe so many people so much for continuing to have an unwavering faith in me. One that has never faltered even when I have doubted myself. So tonight, and for every night that I have breath, I pray to you O Lord to let me not lose sight of this ever again. And to continue to have faith in the abilities that you have given me. Amen....
Came across this song do to a Tweet that came through on my Twitter feed (follow me @njc89)
Anyways I watched the video and it brought back a little bit of that "puppy love" feeling you get when you first realize that you like someone. The little "play" between Drake and Rihanna is what makes me miss relationships (let me dive a little deeper here for a minute). I have never been the girl to really "do relationships." I have had friendships, that have bordered the line of bf-gf territory, but I had for the longest time been VERY comfortable without having titles and just being friends who hung out or were "talking." The reason in part that I was trying to get away from the titles, was because in my own way I was trying to figure out how I could get away from the mistakes my parents made and the reason why they got divorced- in my head, if you didn't have those titles, you couldn't fall in love and you couldn't get hurt.. I know now the difference, but tell that to a teenager/young adult and she'd think you were crazy. Today that young adult has grown up and values the "Real" relationships she has had, because they taught her a little bit more about how to take a different path in her life and I guess they have shown me still the ways in which I can "avoid the fate of my parents." But needless to say it is in these relationships that those little moments, a laugh here or there with someone else, who you know at least in that moment cares about you. Those fleeting moments that make the butterflies in your stomach creep up in the most unexpected ways, and those moments where you think that you might have caught a glimpse of that "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow"- LOVE. Well, this video "What's My name" by Rihanna featuring Drake does just that. It brings me a little closer to that feeling of those fleeting moments. I am not sure if the song on its own would have had that much of an impact on me- had I not seen the video. But I think it is in the video that I really find that small window of Life existing. So to whoever directed this music video, JOB WELL DONE, to take a simple concept and make it something relatable , fun and cute! Let me know what you think.. here is the video
WHAT'S MY NAME?" Rihanna ft. Drake brought to you by YouTube!
Awww... So this song popped up when my iPod was doing its shuffle thing, and it just sparked some things about the hopeless romantic in me.. I think as children you have this vision of the person who is going to sweep you off your feet, and as you get older, I think that vision you hold evolves a little bit and turns into something more substantial more relevant etc.
Well this video was my vision as a little girl (well really when this song came out) and even now at 25 I still think this song is the vision that I have for my future as well. I think the dream is something bigger though, it's not about the boy anymore. It's about the hope of love and the dream that whatever that love is, is something that will sustain a lifetime. Something that transcends many obstacles, something that is long lasting, something dynamic and most importantly I think that "The Truth"- India Arie is that the love makes you better.#justathought... Check it out and tell me what you think..
Dear Y_______________, So I have had a few "Truths' to tell you.. But I haven't had a need to actually "say" it outloud or in type. But I will combine a few of my latest ones because I think they fit very well together and basically they speak everything I would like to say to you as of right now.. 1) You must have gotten me confused with some other version of myself.. Do not get it twisted, my kindness has a limit and your time is about up.
Lately you have been telling my that I have been acting different. That because I do not text you as often or jump to say hi right away that there is soemthing wrong with me. And I have tried to explain it to you that "actions speak louder than words" that you need to actually do something in order to make me feel like our friendship or whatever this current state of our realtionship is worth it for me to invest in. I AM a nice person and part of that personality is that I care passionately about the people I let in my life. But here is the truth, my kindness can only go so far. And if you think that being mean to me, or copping an attitude whenever you want is going to make me continue to be nice you have another thing coming. I am nice, but I'm not stupid. I work hard to foster the realtionships that I have created and I wish that you would do the same and take some time to invest in this freindship or I am sorry to tell you my friend, you are going to lose out on one of the best supports you could have ever had...
Which leads me into point #2) You've changed. It's not because I had feelings for you and I am feeling bitter. But the person that I had respected, the person that I had ACTUALLY liked is definitely gone. You once asked me " What kind of person does this situation make me. What have my choices done to impact how you see me?" Right now I can tell you that it makes you different. Putting an investment in one person or avenue is not going to make your goals flourish and watching you cut things and people out of your life that would only enhance the person I know you can be, it means that you have changed. I wish you would figure it out, you've lost your path and it sucks watching you go down this way. I would love to tell you about yourself, but it's not my place. So I will just continue to write and hopefully leave little morsels into your life that you may pick up on the parts of yourself that you have walked away from. Remember that the person you are today is building the foundation of the person you will be tomorrow and the vision that you once had of yourself is not the person you are building today. -K
Dear Y__________, I just wanted to say thanks for listening and thanks for being patient. I realize that for you this is a really wierd situation. You didn't ask for someone to like you and you didn't probably ask for this situation to get sticky. I appreciate you wanting to make sure that the two people that you care about in this situation are okay. But you can't be worrying about how my feelings affect my reactions towards her. Yes this sucks. I like a guy who likes someone else. But you know what that is life, and it happens. Am I upset, not really- just a little bummed. Am I going to cry, probably. Am I going to be agitated, yes. But will I get over it, yes with time. We had a conversation today where I was finally able to voice my frustration with how you were handling this situation. And I am ever so thankful that you just listened. It's going to be slow working out being friends without me wanting more, but you have at least shown me that you truly want to be freinds and I guess that is something to look forward to. I can't lie by saying that your actions make this much harder to walk away, but I am doing what I know I should do for the betterment of this relationship. And one day maybe I'll finally figure this whole realtionship thing out. But I just hope that whoever catches me, has some qualities that you have... It's funny how there are pieces of people that you want to hold onto throughout your life. Even when the time that that person spent in your life might have been complicated, it's nice to see that in my complication that I am able to see that there are definitely qualities in you that I know I want in my life forever. But as I was saying before, I wanted to just say "thank you for listening" thank you for not only listening but taking what I have to say to heart and living it. This being, I have a friends going through similar situations and my complications are all internal, where theirs are external and are starting with lack of communication. More importantly I guess thanks for being invested in me as a friend. You have shown me that I'm not the only " nice" person out there. Here's to another day of healing... --K
Dear Y__________, This back and forth thing we do makes me wonder if the person you are trying to convince more about your "value" to me is yourself. You tell me that I should set myself up to look at other people and not to focus my energy on you etc. I get that, yes, it would be easier for me to find someone else. But the point is that it doesn't mean that I have addressed these feelings and the truth is I need to leave them behind me. But yet when you tell me that I need to move my sights to something else etc, what I hear you say is " Out of sight, out of mind." Which I interpret as cut you off from the relationship that I have been used to with you and move on to something different, something better. Something more practical and useful for me. But yet you take it as, still be around, still be present still focus on building our friendship- but do you understand that that doesn't help me let go of those emotions and feelings that I have for you. You get upset that I don't say "Hi" to you when I pass you in the hallway, or that when I see you the way I speak to you is a little "agitated" etc. You get mad at me when I don't look you in the face, or the fact that I don't text you as much, or at all anymore. But yet you get upset, but it is a two-way street. If we are going to work at being friends than we both have to work at what that means. The girl who text you everyday is gone, because those actions were coming from a place of me wanting to get to know you for my own personal benefit, rather than getting to know you as a friend. So what does that say about me? Ugh and without you really understanding where I am coming from or what these feelings mean for me, I am just lost and confused. All I can say is "Actions speak louder than words." If you want me to interact with you, I need to know that you are there (for all intensive purposes). Not that you just got bored or had nothing to do so coming to see me became the next best thing. --K
Dear Y___________, I think that I am going to start writing letters to you of the things I should really say to you as a way for me to deal with this. 1) I NEED you to really understand that the feelings I have/had are/were VERY real. I get that you might not understand that, it wasn't like one day I realized that I liked you. But it was over a series of days, weeks and the few months that I realized that I did like you. And now in an effort to stabilize myself from hurting more- I have to pull into myself to heal. I think you need to know that feelings can run deep and that people, and more importantly, you are worth those investments, to know that someone thought you were worthy of a little care and attention. And yes maybe you are right, maybe you weren't the right person- but I need to be the one who figures that out. I need to the time to be able to be comfortable with the fact that you aren't worth that type of investment anymore. And I sort of have to compartmentalize my interactions with you so that I can compartmentalize and dissolve some of those feelings that I have for you. But I guess the biggest thing is that I need you to acknowledge that these feelings were real for me.
2) Push me into feeling a certain way to make yourself feel better and you are going to make me RESENT you! I cannot explain this enough, I need time. And I get that for you it is weird, not seeing the strong woman that you had originally met being a little more vulnerable. But take me off of whatever pedestal you had me on and realize that I am human. And although I may be handling this particular change in a way that you wouldn't handle it doesn't mean that my way is insufficient or wrong. My way is perfectly normal and I think that I should be applauded in many ways for the way that I handle this. I have a clear ending in sight, but again I just need time. It's not going to take a year, or a month, a week or days.. There is no real formula, it just happens, one day real soon I will just get over it. But you have to let me have that time to deal with it the way I am and I think you need to accept that maybe just maybe there's going to be a different version of our friendship that we are going to have to deal with. Why because the first version of us as friends was a little bit clouded for me.
3) Speak your thoughts without so much grey area. The underlying messages twist me up. Saying things like " I chose Pennsylvania Ave over New York Ave," has many more meanings than you realize and well it sucks. To also say things like "I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere," IS PURE TORTURE!!! Ugh, you want to know what really happens to a girl trying to move from "I like you mode," to friend mode- EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO IS AGONIZING PAIN AND REHASHING OF THE ISSUES WE ARE TRYING TO LET GO OF. And maybe there is some truth to girls "over analyzing things" but you being nice and wanting to be there and wanting to be friend makes us like those parts of you more. So it's one thing trying to correct the messaging in our heads and other body parts on our own, but then you adding your charismatic self to it makes it that much harder.
And just speaking on behalf of me. I am okay, I am fine with the tears every once in a while. I am okay with not making eye contact with you, I am okay with having a knew jerk reaction to want to run in the other direction every time I see you coming my way. I am completely okay with this part of me, I wish that you would be okay with it too. So back to that RESENT paragraph, you have to be comfortable with seeing this side of me. You said you wanted to get to know me better. You said that you wanted my guard to be down, well you need to know that this aspect of myself is a part of me. It's not just a reaction to this particular situation. This is just me, and I would hope that you would figure out that if you want to know me than you have to take the good, bad and uncomfortable for you. Lastly, I would hope that you would just talk to me. Stop expecting me to make the first move, if there is something you don't understand- HIT ME UP! Ask the question, and again it's going to take some time. At least respect the value I put into the idea of a possibility. You already cut down my reality so please do not cut down my dream- for lack of a better word.
So normally I spend my blogs talking about my life through the medium of music. While at times, I know I don't always come right out and say what's going on and this is probably going to be the same sort of deal. But instead of using music as my intro or as my muse, I am going to bring something a little different for ya. Y'all did't know I write poetry. I'm little rusty so don't judge me but here goes nothing:
Sorry is not enough
When the shattered pieces of a broken heart are trying to mend themselves
sometimes sorry is not enough....
Sometimes sorry makes no sense, some times sorry is not enough...
Late at night wiping a shower of tears away from my face, sometimes sorry
is not enough...
Sorry makes YOU feel better, but it doesn't change the pain I'm left
dealing and healing with...
So I'll say thank you for your sorry, but know sometimes sorry is not
enough. That sometimes, SOME TIME IS!
~ DW (Destiny Winters- my poetry name)
_______________________________________________________________________________
A letter to the person this poem was directed at:
I really don't do well talking about this part of myself. The part that is a little bit bruised etc. Especially when I am used to just closing off and putting up a wall and really just saying "Dueces" to it all...
So realize that I completely understand that when you say sorry you mean it. No one really asked for any of this and there are some thngs that you just can't help.
And while I recognize your apology, I need you to also recognize that sometimes sorry is not enough to make everything right again or "normal." Sometimes time is. There are going to be moments when I'm not going to talk or where I get annoyed, upset, whatever. I have to correct the lines of communication between my head and my other nerves. Unfortunately that means that you need to know that although you may want the ole me back, it's going to be a little bit for the rest of me to catch up where my head is. And there are some moments that we share that are going to bring me back to the feelings that I am trying to turn away from. So I need your patience and a little bit of your understanding so that I can get back to building a friendship that we started...
Signed,
a little bit of the woman I used to be, and a little bit of the woman that I am today...
... Not so much fun, unless when you wake up you are actually happy with what you see. For me however, not so much and it's my fault. Instead of facing my issues, I ran from them (because of fear) and now it's too late to actually do anything.. and what sucks more is that I probably ruined a good thing and just made a situation much worse! This blows, I hate it and now I'm just numb.. But I got to move on, let it go and try to salvage whatever friendship I hope to get out of it. Sorry for being vague, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. Song of the moment: Craig David- Walking Away
...I have a new friend who says that I don't give him more of the depth that he expects to find in friends. This is very interesting for me considering that I feel that I give a lot of myself in friendships and I feel that there are just some parts of my life that to say outloud is awkward. I know my life, I have expressed some of this life throughout my blogs, but to come out and "tell" my story to someone "outloud" is a very sacred thing. If that means anything, I mean if I invest in you enough to tell you about this innermost part of me that means that I have to trust that you are going to take care of that vulnerability. Well my track record with the male friends in my life has been a testimony that these moments aren't held with care. So maybe I still have more to learn in giving more of myself to other people, but I think that there is time to still grow. I don't feel it necessary to continue to speak my life into moments that no longer define me. I want my life to be about the moments I make now. I get that people want to know what makes me tick, but can't you learn that by my actions right now and not the moments of the past that shaped the person that I am today? And why does it have to be my effort to let you into that space, can't you just ask the questions you are dying to know? I think that if you want to inquire about the core of me, you have to know what questions to ask and you have to be willing to take care of that space. Just some thoughts... no music, no image.. I'll come back and speak on this another time too. Just for now contemplating.
Hey there.. so for those of you who follow me on FB or Twitter (@njc89) have known that this summer has been all about me embracing what is called " Pretty Girl Swag". Well many of you have been asking what does this mean, and well I am here to tell you. First let me tell you the origin of where this "movement" comes from. Ciara took on a mixtape version of Soulja Boy's -Pretty Boy Swag. And well I just really liked the concept, "Pretty Girl Swag," here is the unofficial video off of youtube that will give you a chance to at least hear the song and see where I am coming from.
So now you might want to know why I chose this song as my new motto of sorts. Well first let me tell you that I just turned 25 and in embracing this new age, I have begun to come into my own and really embrace the woman that I want to be. If you have been reading any of the other blogs that I have, you will know that my life is well interesting to say the least. And it is because of my interesting life that I haven't really given time for myself to be me and to enjoy being in my own skin. So part of my journey to 25 was learning to sort of love me. I started talking to a counselor to let go of the things that I didn't know I was allowing to still control my life. I feel much better and clearer, that I am not living my life anymore in response or reaction to those things that triggered huge moments in my life. I didn't realize how much these moments had an impact in my life. My friends will tell you that I am a genuinely happy person and that when they learn about the things that I have been through, they had no idea that that was my life. I have just learned to go through the motions I guess and live my life. So going to a counselor helped me to put into perspective that I do not have to live that life, that I get to be me and move past that life. So once my mind was cleared of the drama and I could be happy with the future other things came into play. I have been having issues with my weight, I mean I am not overweight, but I am not in my opinion "healthy" and I had for years been trying to adjust my lifestyle to be a little more healthier and fit. This summer I began running, and running and running. And it was the best thing for me. I use running as a way to get closer to God and to just release the stress of my day. There is nothing like running in the early morning with a clear head to have conversations with God and just tell Him how you are doing. I am spiritual if you haven't already learned and this is just one of those ways that I can connect. So in getting healthy I have been in many ways begun to feel much more comfortable about myself and the way I look. I look in the mirror and I don't have anything negative to say about myself anymore. I look in the mirror and the compliments that I have been hearing over the years are the same compliments that I see in myself. Part of getting me right through talking to a counselor also helped me to get me right through my body too. I call "Pretty Girl Swag" an attitude because I think it's something that starts with you. Ciara says "Everybody pay attention," Like I want the world to know that I exist, I want the impact I have on this world do be a great one and it starts with self and the image I project. So part of PGS is an attitude, it's an image, it's basically me. It's a philosophy that I think if we allow ourselves as women to embrace the self, that we might actually make a difference in the relationships and the messages that we are giving women. And yes I have to realize and come to grips with the fact that I got this philosophy out of a message that might not have been promoting the same image I was, but still. PGS is about realizing your own strength and power. Like I said, it was one thing for people to tell me all the good they saw in me, without me seeing that good in myself. PGS is about me really seeing the good for myself. So PGS is a lot of learning, growing and finally being happy with and accepting myself. I call it a movement because I think PGS could be something that all girls and women embrace and define for themselves. It's one thing to find your ground it's another thing to help someone else find theirs.
So here is to all my ladies who are reppin PGS! GET IT! LOVE IT! and LOVE YOU!!
... So I have mentioned this friend a few times in other blogs and for now I'd like to name him "Friend X." It was recently his birthday and I decided that given our history and given the fact that I need to let things go that it would be best not to contact him. Which puts me in the worst position because if he wasn't born than I would have this great person in my life. But at the same time this great person in my life needs to learn to value me as a friend too- no phone call on my birthday (only a headache); reaches out when his world seems to be crashing in etc. Not allowing me to have the space I need to get over him and us.
But anyways it doesn't go without saying that I don't think about him, and that I don't think it important to say that I am glad that you are present on this earth and that I am glad to have known you.
So here is my bday message sort of to "Friend X":
Hey there,
It wasn't that I forgot your birthday, it isn't that I will EVER forget your birthday. These things sort of stay with me, and it wasn't out of spite that I didn't call or text, it was purely out of my need to let go of whatever THIS is.
You know for many reasons why I can't or haven't been able to tell you how I truly feel about you because I am just not sure what opening that door would do. I know that you "Think" that you have an idea about how you feel about me, but how do you really know. You and I have had plenty of opportunities over the years to really try and see if we were a good fit and the honest truth is that the only fit that we truly had was one of just "fun." I know the words I want to say to you, but without knowing for sure what that road will bring me I don't know if I can ever or will ever say those words to you.
So I need to let go of the idea of waht could have been between us, unfortunately that might mean that we can't be friends. Or that I have to reject your calls or just not invest in us as friends. Which is tough, because of our unique friendship and my ties to your family. I am afraid that letting go of you might mean me letting go of that realtionship and it's one I don't want to mess up.
It's time for us to both grow up and let go of this fleeting relationship that we have so that we can be the adults and the reliable people that others need us to be. You have a son now, and I am not sure of the status of the relationship that you have with your his mother, but I know that the relationship you need to care about the most and focus on the most is the one with your kid. I don't want to stand in the way of what it means to be a parent. So for your son and your relationship with him I want to give you the space that you deserve to watch him grow and for you to be the best father that you can be, for him.
As for your part, you need to let me let go of this fantasy of the two of us.For both of our sakes. As I said, there has to be a reason we didn't ever get to the "relationship" part. And we need to trust that reason. I think you know that I will always have a place for you in my heart. You will alwasy be the one that got away, and that is something that every other guy in my life will have to compete with,so in that respect you won. So be happy with that, you are it,(something that I probably won't ever tell you personally, but something that needs to be said anyway).
I know that you are going through a crazy time in your life and you need/want the support of everyone you care about and everyone you know who cares about you. I will always be that support, but it has to be from a distance now. I will pray for you, I will care for you, I will think about you for however long that this break must go on, and I will always be a cheerleader for you, but I just can't be THAT Girl for you.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that on this day, your birthday. That the biggest gift I give to you is one of freedom. One to move on and do all the thngs that you are so afraid to do. Be the man that I know I will always hold dear.
And with that I leave you with this: " I like the person you are, but I am in love with the person that you have potential to be."
I wish you all the best.
Love(with every part of me),
Keesha
And because as usual I include songs that sort of speak my mood I wanted to share these two songs that i think sort of emobdy my inner turmoil.
They are both by Trey Songz. The first is called "One Love" it speaks to the heart of the matter and the words I cannot get myself to admit outloud or just to myself, but I know this is what I am feeling. The second video is called "Can't be friends." It's not that I regret the rabbit hole we fell down, but it's that this speaks to the state that I am in now.
Hey Ya'll so you know how the story goes, most of the time my iPod is on shuffle and I hear a song that triggers another memory or just some thoughts that I have on my life and/or a certain part of my life. Well this time the song that triggered my thinking and this blog is a Chris Brown song (what else is new)... On his most recent album- Graffiti Chris Brown has a song titled " Gotta Be Your Man." I had my iPod on shuffle on his music only and this song played and I remembered that on his Exlusive album he had a song titled " I wanna be." There are many differences and similarities to both of these songs and I would like to break them down for you. And for no other reason than that I thought it was interesting that CB went from saying that he " Wanted to be [your man]" to he "Gotta be your man." It sparked this thought of the transition or eveolution between thoughts and between the various versions of self. So here are the lyrics first to " I wanna be" off of Exclusive
I Wanna Be"
[Intro:] [Sigh] Look. I know we've been friends for a while now. But, I just feel like I can confess to you. It's gonna be hard but. Alright here it goes...
[Verse 1:] Imagine that the pillow that you cried on was my chest, and the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand. Girl, imagine: if you needed advise about some other guy, I'm the one that comes to mind. Not tryna hear you tell nobody that I'm just a friend, just trying to make sure I'm that body that you call your man, and anytime you need a shoulder -- it's yours, night or day, but what I'm tryna say is, I wanna be...
[Chorus:] The last number you call late at night (said I wanna be), The first one that you dial when you open your eyes. Wanna be the one you run to, wanna be the one that ain't gonna hurt you, I wanna be yeah, I wanna be yeah.. Be the man making your girl jealous, be the guy shuttin' down all the fellas.. whatever you need, girl, it's all on me: soldier, your friend or your lover, girl, I wanna be...
[Verse 2:] Would it be cool? Would you mind if I called you my boo, what if the next whip you was pushin' was the one I bought for you? Can I be the one that meets your pops and take your mama shoppin', be the only one they like? Have you thought about it -- wait -- really thought about it? Maybe you should take some time call your girls and talk about it, yeah. 'cause I done already made up my mind, don't need no more time to know if I wanna be with you, I wanna be...
[Chorus]
[Verse 3:] Put me on your screen saver, all over your myspace and make me one of your top favorites, that's where I wanna be... The one you cryin' for (stand up for and fightin' for) wanna be your good, bad, love, hate girl..
[Chorus]
[x2] Cross my heart hoped to die, on everything that's good, I'm gonna do you right, show you right, get this understood.
[Chorus]
Girl I wanna be, I wanna be.... [sigh] I wanna be, I wanna be...
And for your viewing and Listening pleasure here is a YouTube video to accompany the lyrics....
And here is the I guess remix version, with more determination- in my opinion. I guess CB got a little more spunk. There is more of a necessity involved in this second song than there was with the first one. It is clear that CB did grow up in this album. When "Exclusive" CB talked about how he was on that grown and sexy and how he wasn't a kid anymore. I feel that "Graffiti" and this particular track also show the growth by CB. It hasn't been confirmed but I feel that Justin Bieber is the background singer on this song..
" Gotta be your man"
Gotta be your man. I gotta be your man. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2, I gotta be your maaaaan...
Verse 1 Gotta be your man, one, cause you look so good. Two, cause you look so good. Three, cause you look so good. Next, gotta be your man cause I know you a boss chick. I know that me your top btch. Won't lie, I kinda like it, yea.
Hook Cause it's so hard to find somebody like you girl. With a face and a booty like you girl. Your qualities are true girl, ooo girl. I promise I wrote this here song for you girl. The words are talkin bout you girl. I ain't lying, this is true girl, ooo girl.
Chorus Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. I was always in the club, got every chick to give it up, oooh. Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. Before my life is oh so crazy, til I met you, now I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan.
Verse 2 I know you think it's bullsh, what I'm sayin girl, but I'm real with what I'm sayin girl, and I'm not just tryin to get you girl, yea. Cause I could get a lot of chicks, the baddest women on my sh. When it comes to you, I must admit,they aint got ish on you, girl
Hook Cause it's so hard to find somebody like you girl. With a face and a booty like you girl. Your qualities are true girl, ooo girl. I promise I wrote this here song for you girl. The words are talkin bout you girl. I ain't lying, this is true girl, ooo girl.
Chorus Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. I was always in the club, got every chick to give it up, oooh. Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. Before my life is oh so crazy, til I met you, now I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan.
Maaaaan, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta be. x2 Maaaaan, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man. I. Oooooh.
Alright, it must be said I do have a soft spot for CB. So there will be many more evaluations of his music in the future.
So there is this AMAZING song out on the airwaves now, and I just have to say that it is the PERFECT love song and just the perfect song for me right now. It's by rising artist Bruno Mars and it's called "Just the Way You Are." Before I give you the lyrics and the song I want to just preface somethings. So first, I am a HUGE Justin Bieber fan.. I am not a closet, I really love his music and like Kim Kardashian said, "he has a little swag about him." His "Somebody to Love" is my newest anthem, and what I thought was a perfect display of love. But it has been uprooted, and this is not a bad thing, by Bruno's song. I don't know if I have mentioned this, or maybe I have in different ways. But I have sort of come full circle in my life as far as finally seeing the beauty in myself that other people have said they've always seen. I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am truly happy being me. So this song not only speaks to the kindest words and the purest love that anyone can hope for, but it also speaks to the one love that you must always have, and that's love of yourself. Second, this song transends so many other "love"styles! I mean it can speak to any relationship no matter who is involved, what do I mean, it's a perfect love song for two people who are in love, it speaks to what people want to hear about everyday- that someone out there gets them and cares about them and, wait for it LOVES THEM!!! Now taking this from the perspective of someone who would be in a heterosexual relationship(because this is my "love"style, I think this is the perfect song for me being a female, to have written. I think Bruno Mars gave me and probably everyone else who listens to this the perfect song to make us feel good, and he gave those that we are in relationships the perfect song to express all of our love through. With that said, I want to share with you the song that puts a smile on my face and the song that I will never get tired of, and the song that sadly I think will knock Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the way you lie" out of it's number 1 spot!
Oh her eyes, her eyes Make the stars look like they're not shining Her hair, her hair Falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful And I tell her every day
Yeah I know, I know When I compliment her She wont believe me And its so, its so Sad to think she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay I say
When I see your face There's not a thing that I would change Cause you're amazing Just the way you are And when you smile, The whole world stops and stares for awhile Cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are
Her nails, her nails I could kiss them all day if she'd let me Her laugh, her laugh She hates but I think its so sexy
She's so beautiful And I tell her every day
Oh you know, you know, you know Id never ask you to change If perfect is what you're searching for Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking If you look okay You know I say
When I see your face There's not a thing that I would change Cause you're amazing Just the way you are And when you smile, The whole world stops and stares for awhile Cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are
The way you are The way you are Girl you're amazing Just the way you are
When I see your face There's not a thing that I would change Cause you're amazing Just the way you are And when you smile, The whole world stops and stares for awhile Cause girl you're amazing Just the way you are *** The bold is probably my favorite verse in this track, even though I love it all!!! And now for the video..
So to all those reading this blog: You don't have to search far or wide to find this perfect love, you only need to start with yourself and grow in your own skin. And for those of you who have that special someone in your life, cherish that moment and let them know how you care about them. It could be as simple as just playing this song and telling them you love them. But just say it, love can be fleeting, you need to do what you can to preserve it when you have it.. #justsaying
