... So I have mentioned this friend a few times in other blogs and for now I'd like to name him "Friend X." It was recently his birthday and I decided that given our history and given the fact that I need to let things go that it would be best not to contact him. Which puts me in the worst position because if he wasn't born than I would have this great person in my life. But at the same time this great person in my life needs to learn to value me as a friend too- no phone call on my birthday (only a headache); reaches out when his world seems to be crashing in etc. Not allowing me to have the space I need to get over him and us.
But anyways it doesn't go without saying that I don't think about him, and that I don't think it important to say that I am glad that you are present on this earth and that I am glad to have known you.
So here is my bday message sort of to "Friend X":
Hey there,
It wasn't that I forgot your birthday, it isn't that I will EVER forget your birthday. These things sort of stay with me, and it wasn't out of spite that I didn't call or text, it was purely out of my need to let go of whatever THIS is.
You know for many reasons why I can't or haven't been able to tell you how I truly feel about you because I am just not sure what opening that door would do. I know that you "Think" that you have an idea about how you feel about me, but how do you really know. You and I have had plenty of opportunities over the years to really try and see if we were a good fit and the honest truth is that the only fit that we truly had was one of just "fun." I know the words I want to say to you, but without knowing for sure what that road will bring me I don't know if I can ever or will ever say those words to you.
So I need to let go of the idea of waht could have been between us, unfortunately that might mean that we can't be friends. Or that I have to reject your calls or just not invest in us as friends. Which is tough, because of our unique friendship and my ties to your family. I am afraid that letting go of you might mean me letting go of that realtionship and it's one I don't want to mess up.
It's time for us to both grow up and let go of this fleeting relationship that we have so that we can be the adults and the reliable people that others need us to be. You have a son now, and I am not sure of the status of the relationship that you have with your his mother, but I know that the relationship you need to care about the most and focus on the most is the one with your kid. I don't want to stand in the way of what it means to be a parent. So for your son and your relationship with him I want to give you the space that you deserve to watch him grow and for you to be the best father that you can be, for him.
As for your part, you need to let me let go of this fantasy of the two of us.For both of our sakes. As I said, there has to be a reason we didn't ever get to the "relationship" part. And we need to trust that reason. I think you know that I will always have a place for you in my heart. You will alwasy be the one that got away, and that is something that every other guy in my life will have to compete with,so in that respect you won. So be happy with that, you are it,(something that I probably won't ever tell you personally, but something that needs to be said anyway).
I know that you are going through a crazy time in your life and you need/want the support of everyone you care about and everyone you know who cares about you. I will always be that support, but it has to be from a distance now. I will pray for you, I will care for you, I will think about you for however long that this break must go on, and I will always be a cheerleader for you, but I just can't be THAT Girl for you.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that on this day, your birthday. That the biggest gift I give to you is one of freedom. One to move on and do all the thngs that you are so afraid to do. Be the man that I know I will always hold dear.
And with that I leave you with this: " I like the person you are, but I am in love with the person that you have potential to be."
I wish you all the best.
Love(with every part of me),
Keesha
And because as usual I include songs that sort of speak my mood I wanted to share these two songs that i think sort of emobdy my inner turmoil.
They are both by Trey Songz. The first is called "One Love" it speaks to the heart of the matter and the words I cannot get myself to admit outloud or just to myself, but I know this is what I am feeling. The second video is called "Can't be friends." It's not that I regret the rabbit hole we fell down, but it's that this speaks to the state that I am in now.
"One Love"
"Can't be friends"
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