Hey Y'all. It is New Year's Eve in New Orleans and I have decided that I am going to write out a few of the goals I have fro the new year. In 2011 I learned a lot about myself. I have grown in my Independence making bigger commitments to my Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ. I have made bigger steps to a professional career, choosing now to pursue another degree- my PHD. I have made better decisions regarding my friendships and the relationships I not only choose to get involved in but also commit to. You have followed me through my ups and downs with my parents and their lives, even though you might at this point still not think that I have told you anything. I have learned to be independent outside of them and the mistakes that they have made.
In 2012, I will be 27. I hope to continue on the path that I am on.. Here are the goals I have set out to commit to:
Spiritual Goals:
I want to continue to strengthen my relationship with God. I have been planted into a great church in The City. I am choosing to stay committed to this Church. For 2012 I want to build my knowledge in the bible and continue to grow in the Word. Building the trust and love that I have begun to work on already.
/Personal:
I want to build more confidence in myself. Starting with how I look and what I feel about the way I look (weight). I am going to continue to live the PGS lifestyle and just be happy with where I am at.
Emotional Goals:
I think over the years I have been strengthened in my emotional path. I have become more open in what I want out of life and what I continue to seek in terms of emotional support. Especially when it comes to my past, I continue to push myself to talk about the experience and what it means to me.
Financial Goals:
I am going to be 27, with a Master's Degree and a WHOLE lot of debt. The goals for 2012, are to continue to be more mindful of the money I spend. To save money for my first house and my first car. I want to be able to pay off my loans by the time I am 35 (ambitious yes, but I have goals. I want to be married by the time I am 35 and I would like that life to be debt free as I start). I want to build myself into a more stable financial place. Away from the mistakes of my parents and close family, and continue to be an example for the rest of the family as I create my new life.
Career Goals:
I know that I need to find a job when I graduate, my goal is that the first job I land is rewarding. An experience that I learn from and grow from. One that will continue to build my brand and teach me more about myself and put me on the path to pursue the lifelong dreams that I have had in my past.
Love Goals:
That sounds awkward writing it out. For 2012, I am into pursuing love. I want to be married, I want to have a family. So this year I will increase my opportunities and put myself out there. That means attending Happy Hours (no drinking - New Year's Resolution), Networking events and other activities. I don't expect the first relationship I land to be one that is THE relationship but I want something good to come out of it. The qualities I am looking for: someone patient, kind caring. Funny, God fearing. Confident, loving family oriented. Sports fan (doesn't have to be on my level), likes to travel, spontaneous and just exciting. I want someone who can make me laugh at the right moments, and make me feel like the world is my oyster as well. And someone who is just worthy of my love. I have a lot to give and I am so excited to be able to share it with someone else.
See you in the new year!
Love y'all
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon
I will feel really dumb if I am repeating myself in this blog post today, but I will feel even worse if I do not talk about this critical decision I have made. I signed up for the Chicago Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon, 11-11-11. The race will be July 22nd, 2012. I don't know where I will be come July or May for that matter, but I do know that I will be running in my first major race on July 22nd.
I have been training (well attempting the training) I try to get in 3 miles each time I run. I am hoping that starting next month I can get up to 6 miles each run and then by March be at 10 Miles and finally April-June 13 miles. My goal is to finish the race in 2:45.. We'll see if I can do it. I need to be motivated though, I have had virtually no time with work and classes that it has become a challenge just to keep up with my life.
I am getting there though, I have created my own strategy and will continue to work at it. Baby steps right!
Well I just wanted to share, as some of my posts will hopefully be about my health and my running. Still on that PGS! #Leggo!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Socked in the stomach
That's how I feel currently. I was told in a way that shouldn't necessarily hurt my feelings- that I lacked vision. This conversation came at a time when I was discussing with my family what my next steps were after graduation. Something that I have given a lot of thought to. To a degree I get that I lack vision in what the next steps are going to be- most people are focused on that next big position and me I'm focused more on what I will get out of the experience. I want my next position to elevate me and continue me on the path of becoming a director of a foundation or non-profit, or is it that I want the next position to provide me with the knowledge to navigate the world of political policy? Or is it that I want the next position to be fun, to continue to push my creativity in Social Media etc. Maybe that person was right, maybe I do lack vision.
I just know that I have never had this broad goal of what I wanted to be at the end of the day. My goal was always to use whatever platform I was granted an opportunity to make a difference in the world. I want to be a social entrepreneur that connects the dots for big organizations and bridges the gap for other networks to provide real-time solutions for people in need. But what does that mean?
Clearly I have some work to do and little time to do it in. I have a lot of soul searching to accomplish. The next few months are going to be spending a few hours a day studying for comps and figuring out my future. Can I do it? Yes of course I can, will it be easy... Heck no!
I just know that I have never had this broad goal of what I wanted to be at the end of the day. My goal was always to use whatever platform I was granted an opportunity to make a difference in the world. I want to be a social entrepreneur that connects the dots for big organizations and bridges the gap for other networks to provide real-time solutions for people in need. But what does that mean?
Clearly I have some work to do and little time to do it in. I have a lot of soul searching to accomplish. The next few months are going to be spending a few hours a day studying for comps and figuring out my future. Can I do it? Yes of course I can, will it be easy... Heck no!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Goals
Hey y'all,
I have been thinking a lot about changes that will be happening in the next few years, graduating, getting a new job etc. And now I have thought heavily about some goals I want to make for my future and just somethings I want to accomplish, so I wanted to share them with you in no particular order or need:
I have been thinking a lot about changes that will be happening in the next few years, graduating, getting a new job etc. And now I have thought heavily about some goals I want to make for my future and just somethings I want to accomplish, so I wanted to share them with you in no particular order or need:
- Married and start a family
- Graduate with my Master's
- Attain my first job
- Change the world
- Buy a car
- Buy a house
- Visit all 13 Presidential Libraries ( I think it would be a great opportunity to learn history and to understand the role that presidents, and these particular presidents played in American History. I guess I will start with the Richard Nixon Library in College Park, MD since that is the closest one to me, but I think it would be a great set of road trips.)
- Travel- I want to go to Europe, just to see the different ways cultures work and not just have an idea from the books I read or the news reports but to see for myself.
- Visit EVERY pro-football stadium in the country
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Entering into a new Season
Hey y'all:
Last blog post I discussed my relationship with a new church I am attending. When I tell you how changed I am--- oooo we! God has been so good to me and through this week I have seen Him working in my life in such a powerful way. That even though I am currently sick I am in such a great mood, being so faithful and guided and protected. I have been in and around the church practically all of my life. I have found my way back to the church despite my own shortcomings and this is the first time that I have fully submitted to His glory. And it is AWESOME! I mean AWESOME!! I am so blessed and am learning how to be more like Him. I pray every day to be placed more in His character. I pray that I can continue to build the relationship I have with Him and that He continues to guide me through my situations.
I believe that I have found my church home. A place where I am strengthened, a place where I am EAGER to get back. Finding ways to be more involved just so that I can be wrapped in His glory.
Thank you Jesus!
Okay, love y'all have a blessed day!
Last blog post I discussed my relationship with a new church I am attending. When I tell you how changed I am--- oooo we! God has been so good to me and through this week I have seen Him working in my life in such a powerful way. That even though I am currently sick I am in such a great mood, being so faithful and guided and protected. I have been in and around the church practically all of my life. I have found my way back to the church despite my own shortcomings and this is the first time that I have fully submitted to His glory. And it is AWESOME! I mean AWESOME!! I am so blessed and am learning how to be more like Him. I pray every day to be placed more in His character. I pray that I can continue to build the relationship I have with Him and that He continues to guide me through my situations.
I believe that I have found my church home. A place where I am strengthened, a place where I am EAGER to get back. Finding ways to be more involved just so that I can be wrapped in His glory.
Thank you Jesus!
Okay, love y'all have a blessed day!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
So blessed...
Hey Ya'll -
This evening I went to church for this mass they do for young professionals and college students. It's called The Movement, it's shorter than Sunday mass, but it was such a blessing to be able to praise and worship all the great things that God has done for me and will continue to do for me. For the Word we looked at Judges 16: 18-28, we talked about Samson and Delilah and the fact that Samson was supposed to be a deliverer and that we in our anointing are also supposed to deliver others into God's love. It is so fulfilling to think about this part because I look at my life and what I want to do with it, be a person who serves others, makes a difference in the world around me and part of that making a difference is showing people around me God's love. As I type this, I am feeling overwhelmed by His grace and so thankful for all that He does for me and through me. But it so wonderful to see the vision the Lord has for me and to know that in many ways i am on the right path.
There were two points that Pastor Tom mentioned for us to remember- the first is to Be Careful where we sleep- or where we rest. Do not settle for the things that are less than what He has for us.
The second point to remember is -be careful of with your heart- guard your heart basically. Do not let other people into your whole life partially because when your heart gets broken they aren't there to help you and the reason that your heart gets broken is because it wasn't careful guarded.
Oh I am just so blessed to have been able to hear that word. It has set me up in such the right path right now. So I am so excited!
Thank you Lord for guiding me to The City Church and thank you very much for guiding me through to The Movement.
That's all she wrote folks, Stay blessed!
This evening I went to church for this mass they do for young professionals and college students. It's called The Movement, it's shorter than Sunday mass, but it was such a blessing to be able to praise and worship all the great things that God has done for me and will continue to do for me. For the Word we looked at Judges 16: 18-28, we talked about Samson and Delilah and the fact that Samson was supposed to be a deliverer and that we in our anointing are also supposed to deliver others into God's love. It is so fulfilling to think about this part because I look at my life and what I want to do with it, be a person who serves others, makes a difference in the world around me and part of that making a difference is showing people around me God's love. As I type this, I am feeling overwhelmed by His grace and so thankful for all that He does for me and through me. But it so wonderful to see the vision the Lord has for me and to know that in many ways i am on the right path.
There were two points that Pastor Tom mentioned for us to remember- the first is to Be Careful where we sleep- or where we rest. Do not settle for the things that are less than what He has for us.
The second point to remember is -be careful of with your heart- guard your heart basically. Do not let other people into your whole life partially because when your heart gets broken they aren't there to help you and the reason that your heart gets broken is because it wasn't careful guarded.
Oh I am just so blessed to have been able to hear that word. It has set me up in such the right path right now. So I am so excited!
Thank you Lord for guiding me to The City Church and thank you very much for guiding me through to The Movement.
That's all she wrote folks, Stay blessed!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
10 years later and it's still a day never to be forgotten
It's the 10 year Anniversary of the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks. There are some moments in our lives that completely shape the rest of your life and how you see the world. There are also moments like these that you will never forget. 9/11 is one of those moments. I was on my way to school, it was sophomore year, every year we go to the middle of the woods and participate in a Ropes Course- my mom was driving me to school early. I had asked her to stop at Safeway so I could pick up candy for my friends for lunch. We got back in the car and turned on the radio, listening to KMEL- what we heard on the radio sounded like a movie advertisement. the DJs were saying something about the first tower getting hit. I really thought it was a movie, and then a commercial break happened- My mother and I looked at each other and were in shock. It wasn't until I got to school and the principal strated to pull those of us aside who they knew had family in NY before I realized what had happened. But without seeing it on TV it still didn't make much sense.
It wasn't until school ended and I was able to go home that I realized what had happened. Threats had been made on San Francisco, so there was a Bay Area wide curfew.
Sitting in front of CNN, I was finally able to see the images that had been splashed all over the news all day long. It was such a tragic scene, I didn't know if my family was alright, remember at this time I wasn't in contact with my dad's side of the family. But while I knew that my world could be rocked, I wasn't just worried about my family, but I was worried about the world, my country and all of the others who knew instntly that their loved ones weren't coming back. It was also really telling and frustrating how quickly blame spread.
It was disheartning for me over the next few days after 9/11 how qucikly violence spread against people of Middle Eastern descent, it seemed like every day more and more people were inciting violence against the people they blamed for the deaths of thousands.
10 years ago I was 15 years old. 9/11 for me, like many others has forever shaped how I see the world. For a person who lived 15 years without this fear of war, since 9/11 war is all I have really known. Tracking the number of deaths over seas, seeing friends enlist and go abroad; and waiting for the next "big" attack on the U.S. There is a new normal in this country and in this world today, all because of the events of 9/11. For my niece, I don't think she'll really be able to grasp what 9/11 meant for all of us. For my god daughter, she will only know that there is a hieghtened sense of state, that men and women died for our right to live, for our right to "fight back." No matter where we stand in the world, 9/11 will always be a day that is marked with a somber attitude. These images will live on and hopefully the lessons of such a tragic day will force us to continue to grow into better people each time.
I don't know if I see the world in a better light because of what happened, but I do know that it is something that is not a distant memory, but something that for me is lived almost every moment of my life. I think that is what unifies us on 9/11, there are many families who lost loved ones, who will never get those minutes back, but for all of us, we all lost a piece of what was "normal" for us.
So to all those who lost their lives, and who continue to put their lives on the line for us all each day- Thank you! 9/11 is a day we will never forget, but a day that will remind us to live each moment as the best examples of ourselves. It's not just God Bless America, but really God Bless the world!
It wasn't until school ended and I was able to go home that I realized what had happened. Threats had been made on San Francisco, so there was a Bay Area wide curfew.
Sitting in front of CNN, I was finally able to see the images that had been splashed all over the news all day long. It was such a tragic scene, I didn't know if my family was alright, remember at this time I wasn't in contact with my dad's side of the family. But while I knew that my world could be rocked, I wasn't just worried about my family, but I was worried about the world, my country and all of the others who knew instntly that their loved ones weren't coming back. It was also really telling and frustrating how quickly blame spread.
It was disheartning for me over the next few days after 9/11 how qucikly violence spread against people of Middle Eastern descent, it seemed like every day more and more people were inciting violence against the people they blamed for the deaths of thousands.
10 years ago I was 15 years old. 9/11 for me, like many others has forever shaped how I see the world. For a person who lived 15 years without this fear of war, since 9/11 war is all I have really known. Tracking the number of deaths over seas, seeing friends enlist and go abroad; and waiting for the next "big" attack on the U.S. There is a new normal in this country and in this world today, all because of the events of 9/11. For my niece, I don't think she'll really be able to grasp what 9/11 meant for all of us. For my god daughter, she will only know that there is a hieghtened sense of state, that men and women died for our right to live, for our right to "fight back." No matter where we stand in the world, 9/11 will always be a day that is marked with a somber attitude. These images will live on and hopefully the lessons of such a tragic day will force us to continue to grow into better people each time.
I don't know if I see the world in a better light because of what happened, but I do know that it is something that is not a distant memory, but something that for me is lived almost every moment of my life. I think that is what unifies us on 9/11, there are many families who lost loved ones, who will never get those minutes back, but for all of us, we all lost a piece of what was "normal" for us.
So to all those who lost their lives, and who continue to put their lives on the line for us all each day- Thank you! 9/11 is a day we will never forget, but a day that will remind us to live each moment as the best examples of ourselves. It's not just God Bless America, but really God Bless the world!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Black Love: Why we cherish loves like Will & Jada's
Hey ya'll, so I have a tendency to make comments about love, OFTEN! Mainly because I will admit that as much as relationships and I do not get along, I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I do eventually want love to be gifted to me. I know I would be good in love and when that day comes I think whoever my partner is would be good in love too.
Well this post is about love, but more about the risks we take when we love, and I think deeper than that it is about the fear that we have about love. And by we, I mean Black people. When we think of the Black Family, it's not the traditional white picket fence, two people in love that society will have us to believe. The majority of our young brothers are locked up, dead or just no where to be found. So when we see a strong couple like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle, we have hope in what our lives can be like. Recently a rumor took to the media waves about Will & Jada splitting up. It caused an uproar in many media outlets, and caused a lot of people to comment on it. Including Will's son Trey. Some people were getting annoyed with all of the news surrounding the couple, so I wanted to share a little bit of the perspective of why it was such an important piece of our community.
Black love has been something very different then the norm, I guess- for lack of a better word. We are one community, when pain is felt by one of us, we all feel it, when success is gained by one of us, we all live it. So when a rumor tries to fracture the joy that we all feel when we look at a couple like Will & Jada- who teach us how to love, how to be loved and how to raise a strong Black family in love, it makes us all get a little worried that our hope will be dashed. We put our support into those magical couples that teach us lessons in love everyday, because we want to preserve that hope. When this hope is being tainted, it makes us fear that our chances at that magic are going to be diminished.
So when rumors start to spill out that Will & Jada are on the rocks, the community goes crazy, because for us, that means we run the risk of losing the dream as well. I don't know if I would have gotten into the uproar, but I do know that it is something that got me to take a closer look, wanting to check the headlines to see if these rumors were confirmed.
But now, all I am going to do is pray, pray for the dream that I have that I will have a magical love like that, and that my Black love will be something that the community wants to preserve and cherish and make their own.
Well this post is about love, but more about the risks we take when we love, and I think deeper than that it is about the fear that we have about love. And by we, I mean Black people. When we think of the Black Family, it's not the traditional white picket fence, two people in love that society will have us to believe. The majority of our young brothers are locked up, dead or just no where to be found. So when we see a strong couple like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle, we have hope in what our lives can be like. Recently a rumor took to the media waves about Will & Jada splitting up. It caused an uproar in many media outlets, and caused a lot of people to comment on it. Including Will's son Trey. Some people were getting annoyed with all of the news surrounding the couple, so I wanted to share a little bit of the perspective of why it was such an important piece of our community.
Black love has been something very different then the norm, I guess- for lack of a better word. We are one community, when pain is felt by one of us, we all feel it, when success is gained by one of us, we all live it. So when a rumor tries to fracture the joy that we all feel when we look at a couple like Will & Jada- who teach us how to love, how to be loved and how to raise a strong Black family in love, it makes us all get a little worried that our hope will be dashed. We put our support into those magical couples that teach us lessons in love everyday, because we want to preserve that hope. When this hope is being tainted, it makes us fear that our chances at that magic are going to be diminished.
So when rumors start to spill out that Will & Jada are on the rocks, the community goes crazy, because for us, that means we run the risk of losing the dream as well. I don't know if I would have gotten into the uproar, but I do know that it is something that got me to take a closer look, wanting to check the headlines to see if these rumors were confirmed.
But now, all I am going to do is pray, pray for the dream that I have that I will have a magical love like that, and that my Black love will be something that the community wants to preserve and cherish and make their own.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Hey ya'll sorry it has been so long
It's been hard trying to find the words to write to make sense of this crazy world we live in, to make sense of the life we live and the moments we share with others and by ourselves. Well where do I start. I fell in love, got my heart broken and now I'm putting back the pieces of my life. Can you really fall in love with a person who doesn't know it, and if they don't know it, can they really break your heart?
I turned 26! And in the last year I have been able to gather so much strength and courage to take my life back from situations I didn't think I would be able to. I fought back from the pained story of my past- a childhood abduction. I fought back from the broken marriage of my parents, the deaths of loved ones. My life is finally mine to claim, something that I get proud of more and more everyday. I love that I get to wake up in the morning with quite possibly the coolest person in the world- me! It took me a while to stand on my own, moving across the country from one of the only places I can truly call home. To starting school and doing this whole thing by myself, to helping to guide my family and friends through my love and through my life. I pushed through an earthquake which I owe so much for helping me to find my way back to a more solid me. I am thankful for meeting Rachel Nielsen, an amazing woman and friend who helped to guide me through my pain and find a strength that I knew was there, but didn't know was mine.
So here I am 26 and so happy to be alive. Here is to another 26 years of happiness and joy, and here is to at least another year of you all reading my notes to myself and getting a glimpse into my life. Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill once said- "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse!" To be honest, I hope that my one life can really make an impact on the world... I don't do the things I do, or make the choices I make to better myself, I do them because I want the life I lead to make a difference for the young person who reads this blog, who has a story like mine and thinks they don't have the strength to continue to grow up. People, particularly my mother question my need to put my life out there for the world to see. But I stand true to this belief that my life's story is worth telling, that the mess that I have gone through, that the strength I have been able to find in the last few years has brought me to this place, not so that I could be timid, but so that I could actually make a difference for someone else. We only have this one life, at the end of it all I want people to look back on mine and be proud of the way I lived it. And to be better people because of it.
With love! Keesha
#PGS
I turned 26! And in the last year I have been able to gather so much strength and courage to take my life back from situations I didn't think I would be able to. I fought back from the pained story of my past- a childhood abduction. I fought back from the broken marriage of my parents, the deaths of loved ones. My life is finally mine to claim, something that I get proud of more and more everyday. I love that I get to wake up in the morning with quite possibly the coolest person in the world- me! It took me a while to stand on my own, moving across the country from one of the only places I can truly call home. To starting school and doing this whole thing by myself, to helping to guide my family and friends through my love and through my life. I pushed through an earthquake which I owe so much for helping me to find my way back to a more solid me. I am thankful for meeting Rachel Nielsen, an amazing woman and friend who helped to guide me through my pain and find a strength that I knew was there, but didn't know was mine.
So here I am 26 and so happy to be alive. Here is to another 26 years of happiness and joy, and here is to at least another year of you all reading my notes to myself and getting a glimpse into my life. Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill once said- "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse!" To be honest, I hope that my one life can really make an impact on the world... I don't do the things I do, or make the choices I make to better myself, I do them because I want the life I lead to make a difference for the young person who reads this blog, who has a story like mine and thinks they don't have the strength to continue to grow up. People, particularly my mother question my need to put my life out there for the world to see. But I stand true to this belief that my life's story is worth telling, that the mess that I have gone through, that the strength I have been able to find in the last few years has brought me to this place, not so that I could be timid, but so that I could actually make a difference for someone else. We only have this one life, at the end of it all I want people to look back on mine and be proud of the way I lived it. And to be better people because of it.
With love! Keesha
#PGS
Saturday, July 2, 2011
My best advice is too... (brought to you by TeamPGS)
.. Love yourself! This is a special blog brought to you be TeamPGS.. The movement that I hope will build confidence in young women throughout the world. It started with a song, and then I adopted it into my life movement, something that has kept be grounded and still keeps me grounded as I build strength and confidence in myself.
A lot of changes are happening in my life, and they happen in a lot of people's lives. I mean if you don't deal with change, are you really living? Anyways, through all of the changes, good and bad, sometimes you need God and your own strength to get through it. And what I have learned ESPECIALLY in this last year is that the one person you must rely on the most is yourself and before you can give love to others, you have to give love to yourself. Not many people are ready for that, or are able to give themselves what they truly need.
I think everyone needs an "Eat * Pray* Love" moment, and well mine came from watching the movie and not reading the book, although.. I WILL read the book soon enough. But at any rate, mine came from watching the movie and I am pleased to say that I have started on the path to finding myself and finding that person that can be all that I need. I think we are all capable of loving another person and being loved, it's just a matter of time and patience.
but I don't agree with waiting, I don't agree with settling for the first person to come along either. I don't want to be chasing love all of my life, I don't want to feel like what I have is "a lot like love" but not quite it. I may be naive in thinking that I can have it all, but why can't I?
My friends ask me what am I looking for, and to be honest I don't know. I don't think I have a type, just like my friends, I like my men in different packages-- with different backgrounds. I just want someone who can tell a good joke, make me laugh. Relax with me, think that staying in and watching movies is just as fun as chillin with friends. Someone who takes care of me how I take care of everyone else, or at least acknowledges the love I have for other people, whether he takes care of me in the same way or not. I want to be respected, I want to be cherished, but most of all I want my best friend. Someone who gets me, they do not by any circumstances have to be like me, but they just have to compliment me. I want someone I can bicker with, but love hard with.. And if that is a lot for one person to handle, then I'm sorry onto the next one. I realize from the lessons other friends have taught me that sometimes substituting my career in place of finding love is a hard thing to do, but like I said I am not settling for the first person who makes me weak in the knees. I am not going to sit there and think that that relationship is it for me. And I know it's not like the movies, but is it too much to ask to have a person who respects me, who wants to love me and cherish me?
To all of you out there, I have to say make time to get to know you. You are the one person who has to live with yourself 24/7, you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror.
And a piece of advice from my mistakes-- make sure to get out there. I have a great time when I am out, but I don't make enough time to do it. Which is my BIG fail and something I HAVE to get better at. So as I get ready to turn 26, I have a lot more growing to do-- I have to push my comfort levels and get out there, meet new people and explore different environments. Wish me the best! And good luck to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
A lot of changes are happening in my life, and they happen in a lot of people's lives. I mean if you don't deal with change, are you really living? Anyways, through all of the changes, good and bad, sometimes you need God and your own strength to get through it. And what I have learned ESPECIALLY in this last year is that the one person you must rely on the most is yourself and before you can give love to others, you have to give love to yourself. Not many people are ready for that, or are able to give themselves what they truly need.
I think everyone needs an "Eat * Pray* Love" moment, and well mine came from watching the movie and not reading the book, although.. I WILL read the book soon enough. But at any rate, mine came from watching the movie and I am pleased to say that I have started on the path to finding myself and finding that person that can be all that I need. I think we are all capable of loving another person and being loved, it's just a matter of time and patience.
but I don't agree with waiting, I don't agree with settling for the first person to come along either. I don't want to be chasing love all of my life, I don't want to feel like what I have is "a lot like love" but not quite it. I may be naive in thinking that I can have it all, but why can't I?
My friends ask me what am I looking for, and to be honest I don't know. I don't think I have a type, just like my friends, I like my men in different packages-- with different backgrounds. I just want someone who can tell a good joke, make me laugh. Relax with me, think that staying in and watching movies is just as fun as chillin with friends. Someone who takes care of me how I take care of everyone else, or at least acknowledges the love I have for other people, whether he takes care of me in the same way or not. I want to be respected, I want to be cherished, but most of all I want my best friend. Someone who gets me, they do not by any circumstances have to be like me, but they just have to compliment me. I want someone I can bicker with, but love hard with.. And if that is a lot for one person to handle, then I'm sorry onto the next one. I realize from the lessons other friends have taught me that sometimes substituting my career in place of finding love is a hard thing to do, but like I said I am not settling for the first person who makes me weak in the knees. I am not going to sit there and think that that relationship is it for me. And I know it's not like the movies, but is it too much to ask to have a person who respects me, who wants to love me and cherish me?
To all of you out there, I have to say make time to get to know you. You are the one person who has to live with yourself 24/7, you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror.
And a piece of advice from my mistakes-- make sure to get out there. I have a great time when I am out, but I don't make enough time to do it. Which is my BIG fail and something I HAVE to get better at. So as I get ready to turn 26, I have a lot more growing to do-- I have to push my comfort levels and get out there, meet new people and explore different environments. Wish me the best! And good luck to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
The last goodbye... Finally letting it all go
I think as someone more feminine we have tendencies to over dramatize certain situations. Particularly matters of the heart, we get so caught up in the "feeling" that we don't really see what's happening in front of us.
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thank you!
Hey all:
Depending on how much you have read and how long you have followed my story, some of you know that at one point in my life I lived in the one, the only BAY AREA-- San Francisco Bay Area, for those of you who don't know. Although the reasons I was there was a little damaging, the experience overall was an amazing one. I grew up there for lack of a better term. I mean, I did my learning there. I think the growing up is something I am just now going through now- hey we all make choices that we wish we had taken a different course with. I have no regrets, but there are some decisions I made, people I hurt that I know now, I had other ways to express myself, then in the way I chose. But tis life, you win some you lose some. It's all about how you choose to move forward that makes all the difference. The healthiest choice I made for myself was leaving the Bay. I needed to do it, it was what I needed in order to find myself.
But the Bay is a place that has my heart and will always have my heart. I built my family there. The best friends a girl could have. When things were rough for me, they were my parents, my aunts, my uncles.. My brothers and sisters. I owe them a lot, more than they will ever know.
Anyways, I am planning my first trip back to Cali in two years.. I am so excited- it will be a short visit (only a week) but one that is so needed. Last night I was on the phone with I guess you can call him an ex of sorts. I mean we never had a title (just the way I liked it at the time). For all purposes we were together though, I mean our friends knew that we were seeing each other-- whether or not we were official didn't matter. Anyways, this guy and I haven't really spoken since I left Cali. The realtionship I had with him actually was a catalyst for me, despite no titles and having some moments where I wanted to hurt him (for being a guy), the realtionship I had with him taught me in a round about way that I was ready to get into a REALationship! I mean I wanted the title and everything. It was because of him that when I moved out to the East Coast I actually started dating AND had a legit bf/gf relationship. Anyways that is not the point of this conversation. We were talking last night about my experiences out here, school, work etc. And my visit next week- we may see each other at one of the events my friends are planning. But anyways, we were talking about realtionships. He was asking me if I was in one, I asked him if he was in one, and it sort of took off from there. For the first time the two of us actually talked about a relationship and it wasn't ours! ha ha, 2 years and neither one of us ever brought up the "us-talk." It was so interesting to be able to have this conversation with him, to sort of be open and blunt and to not feel a bit weird about it. He told me he was sorry if he ever did anything to hurt me-- and I thought about it and came to this conclusion- why be sorry. At that time we were both younger, we were exactly what we both needed at the time. I am no expert on relationships, Ricky was the only "legitimate" relationship, although there were guys in and out of my life over the years. But what I do know in my own flawed way is that, falling out of love with someone does hurt, but its totally worth the risk, because at the end of it all you got to take away the biggest lesson of all, that you can be loved. Having that conversation with Mike last night made me realize that I do actually get this dating thing. I have thought that I must be the plauge or something. Going out with friends, I'm usually the last one hit on..etc. But talking to Mike last night sort of gave me validation, that you know what. It's not me. I have what it takes, I just need the right person. Anyways, having that conversation with Mike was so easy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just was what I needed to hear. I know I just said it, but like I said, I have gone through this life thinking I have a lot of love to give, but I must be flawed since the realtionships I have been in werent really that, but hearing an ex say otherwise. It's pretty cool.
Anyways, there was a point I had to this. But I don't know where it went. So instead I will leave you with a song, to all those long lost loves out there, or people who just came into your life for a reason, for a season. It's time for us to say thank you for the lessons the heartache taught us and let go and move on:
Depending on how much you have read and how long you have followed my story, some of you know that at one point in my life I lived in the one, the only BAY AREA-- San Francisco Bay Area, for those of you who don't know. Although the reasons I was there was a little damaging, the experience overall was an amazing one. I grew up there for lack of a better term. I mean, I did my learning there. I think the growing up is something I am just now going through now- hey we all make choices that we wish we had taken a different course with. I have no regrets, but there are some decisions I made, people I hurt that I know now, I had other ways to express myself, then in the way I chose. But tis life, you win some you lose some. It's all about how you choose to move forward that makes all the difference. The healthiest choice I made for myself was leaving the Bay. I needed to do it, it was what I needed in order to find myself.
But the Bay is a place that has my heart and will always have my heart. I built my family there. The best friends a girl could have. When things were rough for me, they were my parents, my aunts, my uncles.. My brothers and sisters. I owe them a lot, more than they will ever know.
Anyways, I am planning my first trip back to Cali in two years.. I am so excited- it will be a short visit (only a week) but one that is so needed. Last night I was on the phone with I guess you can call him an ex of sorts. I mean we never had a title (just the way I liked it at the time). For all purposes we were together though, I mean our friends knew that we were seeing each other-- whether or not we were official didn't matter. Anyways, this guy and I haven't really spoken since I left Cali. The realtionship I had with him actually was a catalyst for me, despite no titles and having some moments where I wanted to hurt him (for being a guy), the realtionship I had with him taught me in a round about way that I was ready to get into a REALationship! I mean I wanted the title and everything. It was because of him that when I moved out to the East Coast I actually started dating AND had a legit bf/gf relationship. Anyways that is not the point of this conversation. We were talking last night about my experiences out here, school, work etc. And my visit next week- we may see each other at one of the events my friends are planning. But anyways, we were talking about realtionships. He was asking me if I was in one, I asked him if he was in one, and it sort of took off from there. For the first time the two of us actually talked about a relationship and it wasn't ours! ha ha, 2 years and neither one of us ever brought up the "us-talk." It was so interesting to be able to have this conversation with him, to sort of be open and blunt and to not feel a bit weird about it. He told me he was sorry if he ever did anything to hurt me-- and I thought about it and came to this conclusion- why be sorry. At that time we were both younger, we were exactly what we both needed at the time. I am no expert on relationships, Ricky was the only "legitimate" relationship, although there were guys in and out of my life over the years. But what I do know in my own flawed way is that, falling out of love with someone does hurt, but its totally worth the risk, because at the end of it all you got to take away the biggest lesson of all, that you can be loved. Having that conversation with Mike last night made me realize that I do actually get this dating thing. I have thought that I must be the plauge or something. Going out with friends, I'm usually the last one hit on..etc. But talking to Mike last night sort of gave me validation, that you know what. It's not me. I have what it takes, I just need the right person. Anyways, having that conversation with Mike was so easy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just was what I needed to hear. I know I just said it, but like I said, I have gone through this life thinking I have a lot of love to give, but I must be flawed since the realtionships I have been in werent really that, but hearing an ex say otherwise. It's pretty cool.
Anyways, there was a point I had to this. But I don't know where it went. So instead I will leave you with a song, to all those long lost loves out there, or people who just came into your life for a reason, for a season. It's time for us to say thank you for the lessons the heartache taught us and let go and move on:
Time to get personal
Hey all: first I would just like to say thank you to all of you who have continued to stop by and support this blog. I cannot tell you how much it truly amazes me the people that tkae time out of their day to just view it.
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
Friday, June 3, 2011
It feels good...
... It feels good to let go of all of the drama and the ish that I have been holding on to for years and FINALLY live my life for me and for God. I have had the most amazing time getting used to me and enjoying the life that I am living.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Experiences of a Serial Dater...
.... Well at least for a night. ;) so this summer will be my third summer spent in DC and I feel like it's my third summer to actually get out and enjoy what this great place has to offer, so what does that mean? Well for me it meant that I created a list of things to do, with the help of friends and the 1,000s of websites that post about "things to do". So last night's adventure was the first of many. I decided to sign myself up for speed dating. OMG! I know, I am 25, is speed dating really the thing for me? And not to knock anyone who has done it, but I just don't think this is the outlet for me to find a date, I have held this belief that it would be a last resort. But I wanted a fun night on the town and to at least say I did it. So I convinced a friend of mine to come out with me and signed us up.
Turns out another friend of mine was down for the fun and he came too with one of his friends. Leading up to last night and the main event, I was an awkward bundle of nerves. Was I really going to go through with this and did I seriously think this was how I would find a date? Well, I think somewhere along the path of jumbled nerves and cold feet I decided that I would just have fun with it. If nothing else it would be a great networking opportunity for this rising star in Graduate School :) to mingle with other 20 or 30 somethings and hopefully find the next thing career leg up, or at leat the next opportunity to learn and grow. That went well.
We get to the location and everyone's eyes are on everyone else. Sizing us up looking around, it was awkward,but the truth was, I'm amongst 30 other people who are feeling the same way-- AWKWARD. The downside not many 20 somethings were male. The majority were in their 30s- nothing wrong with thatm, but not what I was looking for.
But this girl had 10, count 'em 10 dates! Look at me. No but really, it was a great opportunity to just sit and talk to people, meet someone new and see what if any connection there could be. I was appreciative of my friends who came with, who just had a good time and enjoyed the event for what it was, they made it exciting, they made it enjoyable and they and well the "Open Bar" helped to take the edge off.
For anyone who is thinking to take on the world of Speed Dating, do it at least once. Take it seriously, because the people you meet are. But most importantly have a little fun.
As for this girl, I'm putting up my Speed Dating nametag and crossing off one more thing on my DC Bucket List. It was fun, but not for me and not how I want to find that next special someone.
Cheers!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
So many things to be happy for...
Hey all.. It has been a minute since I have posted to the blogs, and my apologies that the other Social Media networks (Twitter, Facebook etc) have been getting more love from me than you. I do have to say however, the blogs will always be my favorite source. I have more of an opportunity to really write about what I want to and to be "long-winded" with it as well.
So here is the news in my life. I don't know if I have spoken much about my education etc. I am currently in school for my Master's in Political Science: Applied Politics at American University. I completed my Bachelor's Degree here as well in Political Science in 2010. I currently work for Housing and Dining Programs as a Campus Host (a Resident Assistant and Desk Staff Combo) as well as a Graduate Assistant position with THE FREDERICK DOUGLASS DISTINGUISHED SCHOLARS PROGRAM- (yes I am an overachiever). Because of the two latter positions I have been drawn to a life in Higher Edcuation and more primarily to a life in Education Policy. Why?! Well because I have begun to see through the many Social Justice Issues that I have been privvy to be apart of, that Education at least in my opinion is the base for which all other problems stem. My interest in news on Education, my attendance at programs speaking on Edcuation hav eall been drawing points for me to invest further in creating solutions for educational systems. I think a lot of this passion stems from seeing how education is handled in the United Sates and particualrly within Urban communities- as this is a community I identify with. Anyways, because of this love of a more focused direction, I recently applied for a position within Housing and Dining called the Assistant Resident Director. While I might not be educating students in the traditional sense, I am making a difference, or will make a difference for students I connect with, by challenging them to be smarter leaders. To really understand issues and to learn from them. I am still learning, I think that is the great thing about life. I do not have all the answers and while I am still trying to carve out what type of person I want to be, it will be hard to help another person carve out their direction, but I know that it will be fun.
So here is to the new path I am taking in life. While the journey may seem daunting moving forward, I am extremely excited for the opportunity.
So here is the news in my life. I don't know if I have spoken much about my education etc. I am currently in school for my Master's in Political Science: Applied Politics at American University. I completed my Bachelor's Degree here as well in Political Science in 2010. I currently work for Housing and Dining Programs as a Campus Host (a Resident Assistant and Desk Staff Combo) as well as a Graduate Assistant position with THE FREDERICK DOUGLASS DISTINGUISHED SCHOLARS PROGRAM- (yes I am an overachiever). Because of the two latter positions I have been drawn to a life in Higher Edcuation and more primarily to a life in Education Policy. Why?! Well because I have begun to see through the many Social Justice Issues that I have been privvy to be apart of, that Education at least in my opinion is the base for which all other problems stem. My interest in news on Education, my attendance at programs speaking on Edcuation hav eall been drawing points for me to invest further in creating solutions for educational systems. I think a lot of this passion stems from seeing how education is handled in the United Sates and particualrly within Urban communities- as this is a community I identify with. Anyways, because of this love of a more focused direction, I recently applied for a position within Housing and Dining called the Assistant Resident Director. While I might not be educating students in the traditional sense, I am making a difference, or will make a difference for students I connect with, by challenging them to be smarter leaders. To really understand issues and to learn from them. I am still learning, I think that is the great thing about life. I do not have all the answers and while I am still trying to carve out what type of person I want to be, it will be hard to help another person carve out their direction, but I know that it will be fun.
So here is to the new path I am taking in life. While the journey may seem daunting moving forward, I am extremely excited for the opportunity.
Friday, May 13, 2011
No Apologies Revisited
So I have had an amazing year of finding myself and still learning to enjoy this time for me. I have realized that I have accomplished so many things and I never really took the time to enjoy them or be satisfied. This year that has been different, I have definitely grown to live in the moment and I am proud of how far I have come. I have grown to be extremely self aware and self reliant, in ways that I think had someone else had gone through what I did, that he or she might have had a different outcome. I am so blessed to be HERE right now, and I am so over the things of the past and allowing them to hold me back, that I will not settle or make apologies for not wanting to live in yesterday. Yesterday takes away from the joys of today, and I wish some people would get that.
With that said, I am still not talking to my mother. I am not holding a grudge, but I don’t trust that she will listen with understanding as I would like her to. I think that to have a conversation with my mother that is planned, she will go into it only waiting for her chance to get out what she wants and I don’t think she will ever really HEAR me. And that’s unfortunate because I mean she is my mother, but at the end of the day you definitely don’t get to choose the life you are born into, you only have the choice to do with it what you can. In the last few years I have learned that right now it’s only me and God. I mean I have support from so many people, but at the end of the day if I can’t stand on my own two feet what am I showing about the life I am living? I think I will always be hopeful for a better relationship with my mother, but the young girl who used to YEARN for it, well she’s closed the door. DUECES to who I used to be and the person that I keep hoping you will be for me. #PGS
With that said, I am still not talking to my mother. I am not holding a grudge, but I don’t trust that she will listen with understanding as I would like her to. I think that to have a conversation with my mother that is planned, she will go into it only waiting for her chance to get out what she wants and I don’t think she will ever really HEAR me. And that’s unfortunate because I mean she is my mother, but at the end of the day you definitely don’t get to choose the life you are born into, you only have the choice to do with it what you can. In the last few years I have learned that right now it’s only me and God. I mean I have support from so many people, but at the end of the day if I can’t stand on my own two feet what am I showing about the life I am living? I think I will always be hopeful for a better relationship with my mother, but the young girl who used to YEARN for it, well she’s closed the door. DUECES to who I used to be and the person that I keep hoping you will be for me. #PGS
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Real World Las Vegas (Dustin Outed)
So I have an issue and I don't know what it is. I am confused and just trying to make sense of the world that we live in. I do have to make a disclaimer- no one is perfect. Judgement is something that we are all prone to passing even when we say we aren't. We come into situations with our own notions about the way the world works and the way we are supposed to interact in this world. When we make claims about what is right or wrong we are passing judgement about another person's way of life. So here it is, I am judging what I was exposed to, and only out of the context that I hope this is the way I would react.
So I'm watching Real World Las Vegas, which has pretty much given me the idea that this season is all about growth. I feel these "young bucks" on the show have a lot to learn about life and about themselves and about the world. They chose to do things that are questionable by any standards, they do it, it takes them a minute to own it and then they learn from the process.
But I am not talking about the other situations or points of growth or immaturity in my judgemental mind- I'm talking about an incident that arose in tonight's "episode" where one of the star's secrets came out. Here's the back story: Turns out Dustin has been on a site where he was naked, possibly doing pornish things, questionable as to whether it was gay porn (at the time) or not. THE ISSUE: according to everyone else in the house was that he lied about it.
So here's my take- one, Dustin didn't come out and tell anyone. Adam an ex-star of the show found out that Dustin was on the show. Heather, his (Dustin's gf at the time) found out through her mother, practically the same day that Adam told another roommate in the house. So everyone jumped to conclusions, Heather was crying that he lied to her. People in the house were saying it was disgusting, and my issue was that people didn't know what the "truth" was. For Dustin, he knew the minute it was "out" that people in the house had found out. He freaked out and went into this hibernation almost that I mean granted, a secret you weren't ready to talk about is out for the world to hear.
MY ISSUE: Did Dustin lie? If it was me and I was Heather, yes I would be upset that the person I am dating didn't tell me about this HUGE part in my life. I think to be honest the only person who needs to get mad or has a right to be upset and question the "truth" is Heather.
The others in the house flipped out and tried to call Dustin out on ish, when they in my opinion can't own that. He lied to us, he didn't tell us about xyz. Well that is life people! People will not always tell you things about their past, especially when they haven't really processed it for themselves. And to be honest it isn't about you.
Issue #2: Prior to this all coming out Dustin and some of the roommates had conversations about the GLBT community and marriage. Dustin made some extremely offensive comments regarding this lifestyle. He was extremely judgemental and while it does not excuse it, the student interested in the brain and the way we think and act is fascinated by Dustin's "epiphany". He is a "closet porn star" for lack of a better word. His porn was predominately with guys and for someone who says he's straight, that's a lot for someone else to take on. I think the roommates have a right to be mad at the image he perceived to have and the views he presented when first introduced. His views were extremely homophobic, mainly because he probably tried to convince himself for years that what he did was not gay. Then on top of that he probably has years of psych issues, considering this was something that had started for him when he was 18, fresh out of high school, no other options and as he says he for the first time had a "father figure" in the guy who founded the website and found him. So I guess I think my thing about Dustin is I feel bad because he is very confused, he still has a lot to process and the group of people that he has come to rely on is the roommates. And when he needs them the most, they want to drop him, distance themselves from him etc. I just think that part is shady. People keep things from people for a host of different reasons, and it is not based on your time as to when they are going to tell you. I think I was most disappointed because it seemed as if people weren't even trying to understand where he was coming from. It was as if they were just focused on how it made them feel and the impact this situation had on them. Dustin NEVER got to own telling them for himself, which I think is frustrating.
Issue # 3: Furthermore, I think it is disgraceful and disgusting for the roommates to jump to he automatically needs to leave the house. I don't think people realize that this house is meant to push boundaries and to challenge your comfort levels and that the people going through ish are not the only ones who need to learn from these mistakes. WE all do! And if you think that kicking someone out of a house because he or she did porn, gay, straight or other and didn't tell you is a little disconcerting to me and really makes me question how far we have come. I mean, fighting, drugs, breaking ish making my life miserable, those are reasons to be dropped from the environment (ADAM!) but someones personal identity and the challenges they went through. I mean I just felt SUPER bad for Dustin. I felt like he was gang up on, out casted and we didn't really get to hear what was underneath his truth (it could be the editing). I also recognize that I am not them, I didn't live with Dustin for the x amount of weeks that they did. I didn't speak with him, or live with him for 24hrs sharing stories etc. But I think people are misguided when they walk up into the house and expect to get every one's life story RIGHT AWAY! Yes it's the Real World, part of that experience is that you expect to dig deeper into the lives of people you see on tv, but that has to happen on their comfort level, no one else's.
Idk.. I have more to process. but for right now- that's all folks!
So I'm watching Real World Las Vegas, which has pretty much given me the idea that this season is all about growth. I feel these "young bucks" on the show have a lot to learn about life and about themselves and about the world. They chose to do things that are questionable by any standards, they do it, it takes them a minute to own it and then they learn from the process.
But I am not talking about the other situations or points of growth or immaturity in my judgemental mind- I'm talking about an incident that arose in tonight's "episode" where one of the star's secrets came out. Here's the back story: Turns out Dustin has been on a site where he was naked, possibly doing pornish things, questionable as to whether it was gay porn (at the time) or not. THE ISSUE: according to everyone else in the house was that he lied about it.
So here's my take- one, Dustin didn't come out and tell anyone. Adam an ex-star of the show found out that Dustin was on the show. Heather, his (Dustin's gf at the time) found out through her mother, practically the same day that Adam told another roommate in the house. So everyone jumped to conclusions, Heather was crying that he lied to her. People in the house were saying it was disgusting, and my issue was that people didn't know what the "truth" was. For Dustin, he knew the minute it was "out" that people in the house had found out. He freaked out and went into this hibernation almost that I mean granted, a secret you weren't ready to talk about is out for the world to hear.
MY ISSUE: Did Dustin lie? If it was me and I was Heather, yes I would be upset that the person I am dating didn't tell me about this HUGE part in my life. I think to be honest the only person who needs to get mad or has a right to be upset and question the "truth" is Heather.
The others in the house flipped out and tried to call Dustin out on ish, when they in my opinion can't own that. He lied to us, he didn't tell us about xyz. Well that is life people! People will not always tell you things about their past, especially when they haven't really processed it for themselves. And to be honest it isn't about you.
Issue #2: Prior to this all coming out Dustin and some of the roommates had conversations about the GLBT community and marriage. Dustin made some extremely offensive comments regarding this lifestyle. He was extremely judgemental and while it does not excuse it, the student interested in the brain and the way we think and act is fascinated by Dustin's "epiphany". He is a "closet porn star" for lack of a better word. His porn was predominately with guys and for someone who says he's straight, that's a lot for someone else to take on. I think the roommates have a right to be mad at the image he perceived to have and the views he presented when first introduced. His views were extremely homophobic, mainly because he probably tried to convince himself for years that what he did was not gay. Then on top of that he probably has years of psych issues, considering this was something that had started for him when he was 18, fresh out of high school, no other options and as he says he for the first time had a "father figure" in the guy who founded the website and found him. So I guess I think my thing about Dustin is I feel bad because he is very confused, he still has a lot to process and the group of people that he has come to rely on is the roommates. And when he needs them the most, they want to drop him, distance themselves from him etc. I just think that part is shady. People keep things from people for a host of different reasons, and it is not based on your time as to when they are going to tell you. I think I was most disappointed because it seemed as if people weren't even trying to understand where he was coming from. It was as if they were just focused on how it made them feel and the impact this situation had on them. Dustin NEVER got to own telling them for himself, which I think is frustrating.
Issue # 3: Furthermore, I think it is disgraceful and disgusting for the roommates to jump to he automatically needs to leave the house. I don't think people realize that this house is meant to push boundaries and to challenge your comfort levels and that the people going through ish are not the only ones who need to learn from these mistakes. WE all do! And if you think that kicking someone out of a house because he or she did porn, gay, straight or other and didn't tell you is a little disconcerting to me and really makes me question how far we have come. I mean, fighting, drugs, breaking ish making my life miserable, those are reasons to be dropped from the environment (ADAM!) but someones personal identity and the challenges they went through. I mean I just felt SUPER bad for Dustin. I felt like he was gang up on, out casted and we didn't really get to hear what was underneath his truth (it could be the editing). I also recognize that I am not them, I didn't live with Dustin for the x amount of weeks that they did. I didn't speak with him, or live with him for 24hrs sharing stories etc. But I think people are misguided when they walk up into the house and expect to get every one's life story RIGHT AWAY! Yes it's the Real World, part of that experience is that you expect to dig deeper into the lives of people you see on tv, but that has to happen on their comfort level, no one else's.
Idk.. I have more to process. but for right now- that's all folks!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
No apologies
Hey y'all..
It has been a while, my apologies. I have been somewhat busy, but I am back now. this blog is titled "No apologies." It's a fitting title given the ish that I have been going through in the last few weeks.
I don't begin to call myself perfect, or to even hint that I am better than other people. I am completely humbled by the experiences that I have been faced with and would never want to actively go out and hurt someone else.
I have spoken candidly about my life and some of the expereinces that I have gone through- abduction etc. and to some people- they think that my writing this blog is a way to perpetuate the ills of the past and to not let go of what I went through. And in some sick way hurt them in the process.
Let me be clear, this blog has no intention to hurt other people. I am sorry if it is preceived that way. My intention is to tell my story, to let other people know that at the end of the day we all face the same or similar problems. At 15 I used to think it was only me, I felt alone, I was lost I didn't imagine that I would have gotten to this point, that I would have experienced some level of freedom to be able to let it all go. I get that people might be taken aback by how "real" I am being and forward, but I'm sorry that if you don't know by now that IS the type of person I am. I don't have time and we don't have time to dilly dally around pleasentries when the real issues are that we don't want to talk about what the real issues are. This to me is problematic and toxic when we hold on to these feelings but to each others faces we try and put on a good front.
I feel that I have to get it out, and again once I have said it the moment has passed. While I understand some people's frustration at what I may say, again I have YET to go into detail about what truly happened. That part of my life is more than a blog it is a chapter or 2 in a novel.
You might be askign where this is comign from. Well the other day I get an email and a phone call from my mother angry about my blog. I hadn't told my mother about it, because while there are some posts about her, it's not as if the ENTIRE blog is about her. Which she took to be the main premise. While I understand that hers and some others feeling scan be hurt by the things I say, I wnat people to realize this is NOT ABOUT YOU!!! These posts are ways for me to analyze moments in my life to come back and see, have I learned from them and what better ways I could have approached them to do better the next time. Secondly I don't, nor will I ever apologize for telling my story. I realize that we have these ideas that certain things should be private, but there is some 15 year old girl out their wishing that someone would have told their story so that they could see that the road isn't as dark as they think it is.
For that I don't have any regrets for the words I write, I understand the implications it has for other people- but I say to an extent then maybe there is something within yourself that needs to be looked at, if you are reacting in this way to a 2-3 line inquiry into my past. Writing these moments down allows me to move forward from the drama and continue to progress to the goals that I have more myself. This does not mean that I am propelling the story of my life as a claim to fame, or hoping that my story gets turned into some sort of "Lifetime Movie." I merely am making the analysis that as people we are a lot closer to each other than we realize, while the context is different the writing on the wall is still the same.
HAve a good one y'all! It's good to be back :D
It has been a while, my apologies. I have been somewhat busy, but I am back now. this blog is titled "No apologies." It's a fitting title given the ish that I have been going through in the last few weeks.
I don't begin to call myself perfect, or to even hint that I am better than other people. I am completely humbled by the experiences that I have been faced with and would never want to actively go out and hurt someone else.
I have spoken candidly about my life and some of the expereinces that I have gone through- abduction etc. and to some people- they think that my writing this blog is a way to perpetuate the ills of the past and to not let go of what I went through. And in some sick way hurt them in the process.
Let me be clear, this blog has no intention to hurt other people. I am sorry if it is preceived that way. My intention is to tell my story, to let other people know that at the end of the day we all face the same or similar problems. At 15 I used to think it was only me, I felt alone, I was lost I didn't imagine that I would have gotten to this point, that I would have experienced some level of freedom to be able to let it all go. I get that people might be taken aback by how "real" I am being and forward, but I'm sorry that if you don't know by now that IS the type of person I am. I don't have time and we don't have time to dilly dally around pleasentries when the real issues are that we don't want to talk about what the real issues are. This to me is problematic and toxic when we hold on to these feelings but to each others faces we try and put on a good front.
I feel that I have to get it out, and again once I have said it the moment has passed. While I understand some people's frustration at what I may say, again I have YET to go into detail about what truly happened. That part of my life is more than a blog it is a chapter or 2 in a novel.
You might be askign where this is comign from. Well the other day I get an email and a phone call from my mother angry about my blog. I hadn't told my mother about it, because while there are some posts about her, it's not as if the ENTIRE blog is about her. Which she took to be the main premise. While I understand that hers and some others feeling scan be hurt by the things I say, I wnat people to realize this is NOT ABOUT YOU!!! These posts are ways for me to analyze moments in my life to come back and see, have I learned from them and what better ways I could have approached them to do better the next time. Secondly I don't, nor will I ever apologize for telling my story. I realize that we have these ideas that certain things should be private, but there is some 15 year old girl out their wishing that someone would have told their story so that they could see that the road isn't as dark as they think it is.
For that I don't have any regrets for the words I write, I understand the implications it has for other people- but I say to an extent then maybe there is something within yourself that needs to be looked at, if you are reacting in this way to a 2-3 line inquiry into my past. Writing these moments down allows me to move forward from the drama and continue to progress to the goals that I have more myself. This does not mean that I am propelling the story of my life as a claim to fame, or hoping that my story gets turned into some sort of "Lifetime Movie." I merely am making the analysis that as people we are a lot closer to each other than we realize, while the context is different the writing on the wall is still the same.
HAve a good one y'all! It's good to be back :D
Sunday, February 13, 2011
It's like hitting the replay button...
Hey y'all, I am writing today with a heavy heart. Last week, I found out that my ex is having a baby. It feels like I am hitting the replay button on the craziest experiences of my life and it really sucks.
But I am not upset at the situation per say, I mean I'm not sad because of the news that I heard, I'm not even sad because of the experience itself. I'm upset and destroyed because this moment brings back the same emotions and feelings I had when I found about TD. It's just made me reopen that wound again and IT SUCKS!!
I guess I am really starting to figure out how much I allowed myself to lock up my feelings for TD and now it's really TOO late. And then there is the other side of it, like is there a sign on my forhead that says if you've dated me, one you'll die young and or 2 you'll end up getting the next girl after me pregnant. Like WTF. And I know that I shouldn't be going through this whole thing, or this whole mindset but it's just I got to go through the emotions I guess in order to get through the drama of this moment.
Ugh, but I feel myself sinking into this dark place inside of me and I don't want to go there, not over this. But let me get it clear, it isn't because of my ex- not hat I didn't care about him or love him. But it's because I am finally realsing what I let pass me by and that sucks. TD has been on my mind and in my heart for a LOOOOONG time and I just now have to deal with the fact that I need to let it go.
There it is..
I'm out y'all.
But I am not upset at the situation per say, I mean I'm not sad because of the news that I heard, I'm not even sad because of the experience itself. I'm upset and destroyed because this moment brings back the same emotions and feelings I had when I found about TD. It's just made me reopen that wound again and IT SUCKS!!
I guess I am really starting to figure out how much I allowed myself to lock up my feelings for TD and now it's really TOO late. And then there is the other side of it, like is there a sign on my forhead that says if you've dated me, one you'll die young and or 2 you'll end up getting the next girl after me pregnant. Like WTF. And I know that I shouldn't be going through this whole thing, or this whole mindset but it's just I got to go through the emotions I guess in order to get through the drama of this moment.
Ugh, but I feel myself sinking into this dark place inside of me and I don't want to go there, not over this. But let me get it clear, it isn't because of my ex- not hat I didn't care about him or love him. But it's because I am finally realsing what I let pass me by and that sucks. TD has been on my mind and in my heart for a LOOOOONG time and I just now have to deal with the fact that I need to let it go.
There it is..
I'm out y'all.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
KINDNESS is not synonymous with WEAKNESS
... I let myself play with fire and got caught up in some PURE stupidity. I have been talking in the last few posts about a guy that I have had a history with. I will no longer lie to myself, yes I have real feelings. I could probably even learn to be in love with him, but there is a reason we never got a chance to be together. And despite what he says, and what I only hope he continues to say IS very different from what he does.
Point being when we last spoke he said he would do a better job of keeping up, so I let a few days go by and then I text him to say what's up. Then after the week went by I let him know that his plan to keep in touch sucked. And while every conversation I have with him is lightly sparkled flirtation, I know that a text message is extremely harmless. Even more harmless are the crazy 3am drunken phone calls I receive from him, even though I always will hold true that a person's true feelings come out when they are drunk, and even though I know that when he's drunk is when he tells me that I am "The One." But truth be told for some people, i.e his baby mamma, the fact that I have known him for going on 9 years and the fact that we don't talk like we've been friend for 9 years doesn't even seem to resonate with her. I mean I may have known TD for 9 years, but our friendship is really in retrospect like a year and a half old, give or take. Clearly in it's infant stage.
So tonight, I text him and I just said that his game plan sucked. And that he needed to rethink his strategy as, we don't talk that much and while it's the new year I hope that changes. So I get a text message from "him" saying "Really (classic TD, but without his normal tone- how I was able to pick up on it is only because I KNOW him) and so I was like "Yup I said it." And the response was "I already told you. What's our plan, what's my strategy."-- The minute I read that, I knew it was his baby mama, trying to get me caught up in some nonsense that I did not create nor did I want to be a part of. So I responded with " Huh? I am talking about the fact that we have known each other for 9 years and that while our friendship is almost a decade long we don't act like we know each other. And that hopefully this year would be a little different." But like I said I knew it was his chick, so I wrote back right after "And, tell TD I said hi and to whoever I am talking to right now I hope you have a great year." At which point I decided to officially wipe my hands clean of the whole situation. I am over being pulled into some mess- I know that I am not so innocent in this. I know that I have feelings for him and I know that I have this dream that ONE DAY maybe, just maybe we'll get our chance. But at the same time, when I have to deal with this when conversations are innocent (because I am not stupid) I have to deal with a dumb chick and her own insecurities. I get a response later after I wrote that part about tell him I said hi- Don't text or call, alright. Well TD, point taken and noted. I will not text or call you anymore. If I care to know how you are doing I will ask your family and to be honest I don't want to care anymore. We both need to grow up and move on. This fantasy we are holding on to is us not living in the real world and it's causing trouble for way too many people, ourselves included. And more importantly, I am walking away because you have a beautiful little boy who needs his father and given this chicks track record with me right now, I wouldn't be surprised if she threatens to take him away and I would not be happy with myself if I let that happen, so I am letting it go. I am walking away and saying good bye because it is the best for both of us.
But don't get it twisted, you mistook kindness for weakness and you mistook the thought that I would always be around. In some respect yeah, I will applaud you from a far, I will probably run into you from time to time while I'm visiting your fam, but the one on one. consider it over with. I just hope you figure out what you are doing with that "ball n chain" because this chick telling me to no longer talk to my friend is making me very angry. But for my sanity deuces!
Point being when we last spoke he said he would do a better job of keeping up, so I let a few days go by and then I text him to say what's up. Then after the week went by I let him know that his plan to keep in touch sucked. And while every conversation I have with him is lightly sparkled flirtation, I know that a text message is extremely harmless. Even more harmless are the crazy 3am drunken phone calls I receive from him, even though I always will hold true that a person's true feelings come out when they are drunk, and even though I know that when he's drunk is when he tells me that I am "The One." But truth be told for some people, i.e his baby mamma, the fact that I have known him for going on 9 years and the fact that we don't talk like we've been friend for 9 years doesn't even seem to resonate with her. I mean I may have known TD for 9 years, but our friendship is really in retrospect like a year and a half old, give or take. Clearly in it's infant stage.
So tonight, I text him and I just said that his game plan sucked. And that he needed to rethink his strategy as, we don't talk that much and while it's the new year I hope that changes. So I get a text message from "him" saying "Really (classic TD, but without his normal tone- how I was able to pick up on it is only because I KNOW him) and so I was like "Yup I said it." And the response was "I already told you. What's our plan, what's my strategy."-- The minute I read that, I knew it was his baby mama, trying to get me caught up in some nonsense that I did not create nor did I want to be a part of. So I responded with " Huh? I am talking about the fact that we have known each other for 9 years and that while our friendship is almost a decade long we don't act like we know each other. And that hopefully this year would be a little different." But like I said I knew it was his chick, so I wrote back right after "And, tell TD I said hi and to whoever I am talking to right now I hope you have a great year." At which point I decided to officially wipe my hands clean of the whole situation. I am over being pulled into some mess- I know that I am not so innocent in this. I know that I have feelings for him and I know that I have this dream that ONE DAY maybe, just maybe we'll get our chance. But at the same time, when I have to deal with this when conversations are innocent (because I am not stupid) I have to deal with a dumb chick and her own insecurities. I get a response later after I wrote that part about tell him I said hi- Don't text or call, alright. Well TD, point taken and noted. I will not text or call you anymore. If I care to know how you are doing I will ask your family and to be honest I don't want to care anymore. We both need to grow up and move on. This fantasy we are holding on to is us not living in the real world and it's causing trouble for way too many people, ourselves included. And more importantly, I am walking away because you have a beautiful little boy who needs his father and given this chicks track record with me right now, I wouldn't be surprised if she threatens to take him away and I would not be happy with myself if I let that happen, so I am letting it go. I am walking away and saying good bye because it is the best for both of us.
But don't get it twisted, you mistook kindness for weakness and you mistook the thought that I would always be around. In some respect yeah, I will applaud you from a far, I will probably run into you from time to time while I'm visiting your fam, but the one on one. consider it over with. I just hope you figure out what you are doing with that "ball n chain" because this chick telling me to no longer talk to my friend is making me very angry. But for my sanity deuces!
Monday, January 3, 2011
#1
I've decided I will write to you so that one day you can see that through all these years it HAS been you.
I saw a quote today that made me think of you: Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about...
You doubt that I could ever have feelings for you, saying things like I deserve better and that I am too good for a guy like you. I wish you would realize your own self worth and also know that I've known you for a long time and this 'woah is me' 'pity me' stuff does not fly with me. I have also learned that in all these years through all of your flings-- for some reason you come back to me. I can't explain it and it has always scared me. Considering what we've been through over the years and the fact that we have never once really even given an "us" a shot. I mean let's be honest, I did have a crush on you when you first started working at Chili's with me, but then that date we had that ended in us missing our movie twice, I mean your reaction totally made me decide it wasn't worth it.
And how we sort of just fell into each other whenever the time permitted, baseball games, parties, random nights at your place. Or actually setting it up, like that night you came to visit me at work. I still don't know how that happened-- so random that you text and then showed up. Or Vegas. Ugh there was always something fun and exciting about sneaking around though- Of course only when you were single. I guess I wonder why you never thought to ask me.
Why do you wait until you have been drinking and until it is the most inopportune time to do so, to tell me your feelings/ Why do you for some reason, no matter how much time is spent between us do you come back to me, turn to me? And why do I still hold on to that night I left Cali, the night you said to me " I never thought you'd be the one to leave." Why is it that I am the one you think about before you go to sleep when we haven't ever really had much of a REALationship?
To be honest, I'm tired of asking these questions in my head. I sort of just want to live in these moments where I do fall for you. It's like I fall for you everytime I get that 4am phone call. You pull me right back into it again. But I'd like to actually FEEL IT, and for once be able to see what is on the other side of the door-- that we both are too scared to walk through.
I saw a quote today that made me think of you: Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about...
You doubt that I could ever have feelings for you, saying things like I deserve better and that I am too good for a guy like you. I wish you would realize your own self worth and also know that I've known you for a long time and this 'woah is me' 'pity me' stuff does not fly with me. I have also learned that in all these years through all of your flings-- for some reason you come back to me. I can't explain it and it has always scared me. Considering what we've been through over the years and the fact that we have never once really even given an "us" a shot. I mean let's be honest, I did have a crush on you when you first started working at Chili's with me, but then that date we had that ended in us missing our movie twice, I mean your reaction totally made me decide it wasn't worth it.
And how we sort of just fell into each other whenever the time permitted, baseball games, parties, random nights at your place. Or actually setting it up, like that night you came to visit me at work. I still don't know how that happened-- so random that you text and then showed up. Or Vegas. Ugh there was always something fun and exciting about sneaking around though- Of course only when you were single. I guess I wonder why you never thought to ask me.
Why do you wait until you have been drinking and until it is the most inopportune time to do so, to tell me your feelings/ Why do you for some reason, no matter how much time is spent between us do you come back to me, turn to me? And why do I still hold on to that night I left Cali, the night you said to me " I never thought you'd be the one to leave." Why is it that I am the one you think about before you go to sleep when we haven't ever really had much of a REALationship?
To be honest, I'm tired of asking these questions in my head. I sort of just want to live in these moments where I do fall for you. It's like I fall for you everytime I get that 4am phone call. You pull me right back into it again. But I'd like to actually FEEL IT, and for once be able to see what is on the other side of the door-- that we both are too scared to walk through.
Lost in the thought of you...
It's funny how it seems that when I seem to find a way to live my life without you, you find a way to creep back in and consume all of me. My heart, my thoughts, every part of my being waits patiently, waits frantically hoping that I'll hear your voice or read your words and that the insanity of this waiting will cease. That the pounding of my heart will slow down so that I can actually breathe and soak in the moment.
Each time we talk you make these grand statements and each time I say to myself don't be fooled. But this time I gave you the benefit of the doubt. There was no drunken call, not crying, no fear it was just you FINALLY being honest with a girl that you care about and saying you will do better. And it was a girl who cares about you more than she lets on, FINALLY letting you in a little deeper to the place you want to be. All the while holding her breathe that you don't screw this up.
One day there will be a headline, woman dies from lack of oxygen, due to holding her breathe to stave off heartbreak... I hope that day is far in the future and that you live up to the words you speak in those moments neither one of us can seem to forget.
So as this dance continues where you pull me in I am allowing you to let myself get caught up in the hopes that this time you will actually live by your word and that thing called happiness can grace us both.
In the meantime I will keep one hand on the door before I step all the way through because there's a part of me who doesn't trust the words you are saying or the dream you want me to believe in. This hand will stay on the handle in the event I need to be pulled back, braced by and locked out of this room forever.
But I hope until that day we hold on to these moments and that your word rings true, for right now I am a little lost in the thought of you...
Each time we talk you make these grand statements and each time I say to myself don't be fooled. But this time I gave you the benefit of the doubt. There was no drunken call, not crying, no fear it was just you FINALLY being honest with a girl that you care about and saying you will do better. And it was a girl who cares about you more than she lets on, FINALLY letting you in a little deeper to the place you want to be. All the while holding her breathe that you don't screw this up.
One day there will be a headline, woman dies from lack of oxygen, due to holding her breathe to stave off heartbreak... I hope that day is far in the future and that you live up to the words you speak in those moments neither one of us can seem to forget.
So as this dance continues where you pull me in I am allowing you to let myself get caught up in the hopes that this time you will actually live by your word and that thing called happiness can grace us both.
In the meantime I will keep one hand on the door before I step all the way through because there's a part of me who doesn't trust the words you are saying or the dream you want me to believe in. This hand will stay on the handle in the event I need to be pulled back, braced by and locked out of this room forever.
But I hope until that day we hold on to these moments and that your word rings true, for right now I am a little lost in the thought of you...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
#Reverb10-Prompt 30
This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?
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This is interesting. I never know what to get for myself so whenever people ask me what do you want for your birthday or Christmas while there may be many things that I can think of well after the fact bu when people ask me, I am like I don't know-- a book, some money etc. But it rarely is something that I am like YES! That is EXACTLY what I needed. For instance this holiday I had no clue what I wanted. But now after the holiday is over I realize a FLAT IRON would be nice! No, it's necessary!
I feel that I have more of an idea of how to give useful gifts for others than I do for myself. For instance in High School I gave a friend his favorite chocolate and a CD that I let him borrow from time to time because he really liked it. For a friend on his last birthday I gave him a collection of CDs by his favorite band because the CDs he had were ruined, either scratched or damaged in some other fashion.
I don't know if I have received that memorable gift that was tangible or emotional. But a gift that stands out is a graduation present I received from a friends mother. Porcupine needle earrings. It is a Native American gift and they are beautiful. Another gift I got was a gift from a friend who had taken my graduation picture and created a picture frame with my name the year and month I graduated, the school and words of wisdom it was nice. And this Christmas another friend bought me this quote block that I can put up in my room. I don't have the quote right now ( I will put it in once I get it out of my suitcase) But it's perfect for me because it means it captures all of the feelings and the confidence I need to have in reaching my goals.
I think moving into the new year I will do a better job at making sure that I articulate things that are needed. But I hope that in the future I will be able to take care of the things that are needed for me and my family and not have to worry about the other stuff.
_____________________________________________________________________________
This is interesting. I never know what to get for myself so whenever people ask me what do you want for your birthday or Christmas while there may be many things that I can think of well after the fact bu when people ask me, I am like I don't know-- a book, some money etc. But it rarely is something that I am like YES! That is EXACTLY what I needed. For instance this holiday I had no clue what I wanted. But now after the holiday is over I realize a FLAT IRON would be nice! No, it's necessary!
I feel that I have more of an idea of how to give useful gifts for others than I do for myself. For instance in High School I gave a friend his favorite chocolate and a CD that I let him borrow from time to time because he really liked it. For a friend on his last birthday I gave him a collection of CDs by his favorite band because the CDs he had were ruined, either scratched or damaged in some other fashion.
I don't know if I have received that memorable gift that was tangible or emotional. But a gift that stands out is a graduation present I received from a friends mother. Porcupine needle earrings. It is a Native American gift and they are beautiful. Another gift I got was a gift from a friend who had taken my graduation picture and created a picture frame with my name the year and month I graduated, the school and words of wisdom it was nice. And this Christmas another friend bought me this quote block that I can put up in my room. I don't have the quote right now ( I will put it in once I get it out of my suitcase) But it's perfect for me because it means it captures all of the feelings and the confidence I need to have in reaching my goals.
I think moving into the new year I will do a better job at making sure that I articulate things that are needed. But I hope that in the future I will be able to take care of the things that are needed for me and my family and not have to worry about the other stuff.
#Reverb10-Prompt 29
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
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The defining moment of my 2010 was stepping on the scale and learning that I had lost 35lbs! I have had the most up and down life of trying to "control" my weight. So there was something to be said about me sticking to my plan, dropping the weight and receiving many compliments from family and friends who noticed an difference. Even I notice a difference myself, when clothes I used to wear a fitting me much better than they did when I bought them. Or clothes right now are too big.
Losing a particular amount has never been the concern for me. It has actually been about me reaching a goal-- my goal for myself is to get a 4pack by May. So by the time I am done with a year of Grad School I want to have a 4pack. I want to be bikini ready for the summer and I want to look FABULOUS!
I have had in the past trouble being consistent and while I still have had time conflicts my inconsistency hasn't been as bad as it has been in the past. For the first time I feel that I am actually managing it a lot better. That time off hasn't lasted months like it normally has, it is now only a few days. And that to me is wonderfully fabulous! So I am hoping that in the new year I can continue to grow in this fashion and that I reach my goal for the 2K11 It's all about keep the PGS moving!
_____________________________________________________________________________
The defining moment of my 2010 was stepping on the scale and learning that I had lost 35lbs! I have had the most up and down life of trying to "control" my weight. So there was something to be said about me sticking to my plan, dropping the weight and receiving many compliments from family and friends who noticed an difference. Even I notice a difference myself, when clothes I used to wear a fitting me much better than they did when I bought them. Or clothes right now are too big.
Losing a particular amount has never been the concern for me. It has actually been about me reaching a goal-- my goal for myself is to get a 4pack by May. So by the time I am done with a year of Grad School I want to have a 4pack. I want to be bikini ready for the summer and I want to look FABULOUS!
I have had in the past trouble being consistent and while I still have had time conflicts my inconsistency hasn't been as bad as it has been in the past. For the first time I feel that I am actually managing it a lot better. That time off hasn't lasted months like it normally has, it is now only a few days. And that to me is wonderfully fabulous! So I am hoping that in the new year I can continue to grow in this fashion and that I reach my goal for the 2K11 It's all about keep the PGS moving!
#Reverb10- Prompt 28
What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
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To be honest next year I want to achieve financial stability. I think when I get it I will feel relieved. I have spent practically the majority of my adult life paying for school, or working hard to pay for an apartment and living expenses etc. I have had enough to keep a roof over my head and have food on the table. But I have had a hard time trying to build a substantial amount of savings when I am working paycheck to paycheck. It always seems too that when I have some money saved up it disappears quickly, for instance a week before finals I had saved over $300 to jump start my savings and to pay off my credit card. Well my computer crashed and I ended up losing the money that I had saved. It was frustrating and when I am living paycheck that burden is extremely stressful.
I think about the debt I have now, I have a credit card I need to pay off, I have a balance that I owe a friend and I have loans to pay off. And with no real stable job all of that is intense as heck. But you know what I understand what it takes in order to put me on the right path. I have to just continue to do what I need to to set a budget. Save money. That means reducing the amount of money I spend going out. putting a little money away a month in order to create some balance for myself and begin to set the tone for my future. I think the reason why this is so stressful right now is because I am realizing I am graduating in less than 2 semesters. I am supposed to look for an apartment starting in the summer and I don't have the financial base in order to get one right now. So YES I am FREAKING OUT!
The steps that I need to take in order to feel relieved is to slowly build up my base. Say a positive affirmation everyday and have faith that tom morrow and my future will be much better than my today. WHICH IT WILL!
____________________________________________________________________
To be honest next year I want to achieve financial stability. I think when I get it I will feel relieved. I have spent practically the majority of my adult life paying for school, or working hard to pay for an apartment and living expenses etc. I have had enough to keep a roof over my head and have food on the table. But I have had a hard time trying to build a substantial amount of savings when I am working paycheck to paycheck. It always seems too that when I have some money saved up it disappears quickly, for instance a week before finals I had saved over $300 to jump start my savings and to pay off my credit card. Well my computer crashed and I ended up losing the money that I had saved. It was frustrating and when I am living paycheck that burden is extremely stressful.
I think about the debt I have now, I have a credit card I need to pay off, I have a balance that I owe a friend and I have loans to pay off. And with no real stable job all of that is intense as heck. But you know what I understand what it takes in order to put me on the right path. I have to just continue to do what I need to to set a budget. Save money. That means reducing the amount of money I spend going out. putting a little money away a month in order to create some balance for myself and begin to set the tone for my future. I think the reason why this is so stressful right now is because I am realizing I am graduating in less than 2 semesters. I am supposed to look for an apartment starting in the summer and I don't have the financial base in order to get one right now. So YES I am FREAKING OUT!
The steps that I need to take in order to feel relieved is to slowly build up my base. Say a positive affirmation everyday and have faith that tom morrow and my future will be much better than my today. WHICH IT WILL!
#Reverb10-Prompt 27
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
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So I realize that this might be a little cheesy but I am going to go there anyway. I am so busy most of the year, that honestly my ordinary joy is a cup of hot chocolate a good book or movie and chillaxin with my family. The reason why I say I know it's cheesy it because I am 25- I should be going out partying it up etc. But I feel like I spent most of my party years back in Cali and now it's time to be a little bit of a grown up. I do have fun, but when I just need to be happy and stay grounded spending time with my niece and my nephews is where I feel the most joy.
It is easy there is no buys schedule, trying to maximize the most of a day, it is all about going at a pace and just enjoying the time.
So this year my most joyful ordinary moment actually came recently and that was chilling at home during the holidays and watching movies with the family. Everyone all bundled up on the couch passing popcorn and watching some crazy movie. Those are the moments I love and those are the moments I can't wait to have with a family of my own some day soon.
____________________________________________________________________________
So I realize that this might be a little cheesy but I am going to go there anyway. I am so busy most of the year, that honestly my ordinary joy is a cup of hot chocolate a good book or movie and chillaxin with my family. The reason why I say I know it's cheesy it because I am 25- I should be going out partying it up etc. But I feel like I spent most of my party years back in Cali and now it's time to be a little bit of a grown up. I do have fun, but when I just need to be happy and stay grounded spending time with my niece and my nephews is where I feel the most joy.
It is easy there is no buys schedule, trying to maximize the most of a day, it is all about going at a pace and just enjoying the time.
So this year my most joyful ordinary moment actually came recently and that was chilling at home during the holidays and watching movies with the family. Everyone all bundled up on the couch passing popcorn and watching some crazy movie. Those are the moments I love and those are the moments I can't wait to have with a family of my own some day soon.
#Reverb10-Prompt 26
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?
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OOO that one is a tough one because I often feel that we don't necessarily eat to please our palate. I think we just eat what we are used to without really tasting it. But something that I ate that was by far one of the best things I have ever had was at this restaurant in New Orleans. Alligator Cheesecake. I know that it doesn't sound very appealing, but let me tell you this food was delicious.
It was hot a little spicy but "tastes just like chicken." If you ever make it to the Big Easy take a stroll out to a restaurant titled Jacques Imo's! Make sure to order the Alligator Cheesecake.
__________________________________________________________
OOO that one is a tough one because I often feel that we don't necessarily eat to please our palate. I think we just eat what we are used to without really tasting it. But something that I ate that was by far one of the best things I have ever had was at this restaurant in New Orleans. Alligator Cheesecake. I know that it doesn't sound very appealing, but let me tell you this food was delicious.
It was hot a little spicy but "tastes just like chicken." If you ever make it to the Big Easy take a stroll out to a restaurant titled Jacques Imo's! Make sure to order the Alligator Cheesecake.
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