We never know who we really are...

I'm in a little state of reflection today as I have had moments to just think back on my experiences and life these last couple of weeks. It's been quite the reflection and perspective shift that I have needed in my life.

This last week I have been involved in a team training and retreat and like many of Student Affairs we push ourselves outside of our comfort zones to inundate ourselves in Team Building etc.

Anyway let's just say that a lot was prompted during this week and particularly during the retreat that was helpful and stirred a lot for me that was positive. So I wrote down this statement, the title of this blog- "We never know who we really are," It was a quote that was stated prior to our conversation on communication styles.

For me I think it is really telling- we don't know who we are and it's because each day we live we change a little bit and we are still going through our life, figuring out who we are. There are definitely foundations of our identity that won't change- our heritage, our familial ties etc. But how we react to things does change as we learn lessons and experience life. So I definitely agree with this statement- "We never know who we really are," because we are in flux constantly being shaped and influenced by the life we are living.

It's a good thing though, I wouldn't want to go through this world, without experiencing the life I have lived.

That's all she wrote...

Enjoying the skin I am in

Hey World,
 It's been a while!! Sorry to leave you without a little me in your life, I am hoping not to do that again in the near future.

I have been through a lot, not bad, but these last few months since my last post, I am really seeing my life for what it is. When I stopped trying to control my life, I started LIVING... I hope that makes sense. But we spend so much time controlling our every movements and trying to get out of situations some certain results. But when I started to let go of that, and see myself as God made me. I then began to live my life out of joy and a fullness that I haven't had in a very long time.

 So here I am 28, and with a lot more awareness than I have had in the past, and making more sense regarding the world around me. Things I know about myself, I am never truly satisfied. I also, know that I am not seeking perfectionism, just a little bit of stability, comfort and consistence in my life. It's not going to be easy living, and since I don't really know what that means either, I won't allow myself to be disappointed.

But here's what I am realizing for myself more and more. I have been fairly consistent in who I am- I am blunt, direct, I know what I want out of personal relationships- some exceptions, I am still learning what I want out of the intimate personal relationships.

And with that comes patience and understanding that I am dealing with people. And that relationships are more than just me. I find it funny, as a child you can't wait to grow up and do adult things right. I often hear people saying they wish they could reclaim the good ole days. But my good days are what I am living, I am not looking back and saying I wish I could re-experience that again. I have a vibrant life that I am blessed to live and a faith that reminds me that even in my flaws and shortcomings I am a work in progress and that is okay.

I have been in a constant state of reflection these last few months, probably because I am about to enter my last year in my 20s, and when I look back this last decade of my life has been an awesome one! I found my voice, I moved outside of the shadow of my parents' actions and finally created my own story of what I wanted. So with my birthday almost 12 days away I am going to enjoy these next few weeks of reflection and am looking forward to what 29 will bring!

That's all she wrote folks...

Identity: Can you ever really be satisfied?

Hey Y'all:
 It's been a while since I have posted. We are participating in professional development training for my team and job on campus. This past year has been a little taxing in that the team has kind of been influx, with so many transitions in and out of the team.

So yesterday we had a session that sparked this thought- a question was asked of us in evaluating our thoughts- "Do you have a better understanding of your identity in participating in this session?" So here I was, reading this question and going, when can you EVER really have an understanding of your identity. Here's my take, your identity and sense of self is always in flux. Why?

Think about it today I am a single woman, educated, Haitian-American/Black, female, religious etc.. But let's focus on transitional identities. For me I am happy being single, but this will change. I will be married, a mother, so in that how can I answer if I have a better understanding of my identity?  Can I ever really be, when each year I grow and become a little more comfortable with my identity.

Food for thought....

I don't know if I have an answer or if there is really a right or wrong answer, but it is interesting to think about.

....That's all she wrote...

Big Statements from little things...

Hey Y'all-
 It has been a while. I am wondering if any of you are like me. My favorite part about the Fortune Cookie, isn't the cookie but the fortune itself. It's interesting because there is a chance that what you read on those small strips of paper is not going to be anything worthwhile.. Sometimes it is and most of the time it's worthy of a chuckle.

Well I had the luxury of opening 3 fortune cookies... I was in a mood and no I didn't eat any of the cookies actually.

My first fortune:
 Treat yourself with the same dignity and respect you give others.

My second fortune:
Inspiration within is waiting for you. It's time to go deep.

My third fortune:
 Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it

What the HECK! If someone wanted me to get a message, I guess I got it.Well I guess I am more open to receiving it. You might be reading these and going what's the big deal- the one thing I find salient about fortunes, they always speak right into a situation I am in.

In regards to the first one- I am a giver. Naturally. I love to love on people. And I have a lot of loyalty in friendships and all of my relationships. I honor people, the dignity and respect- yup that's me. But it's easier to shower and bless others than it is for me to shower and bless myself. Or be willing to receive the honor and blessings that others might give me. If you put me up in the middle of a room to praise me, I will literally lose my mind.

But the thing I have been contemplating for a while is this ideal or concept that has been passed along regarding love. Something to the effect of " Love yourself first, so that you can love others." I think this fortune stands up there. I am learning to...

Then the second one:
 I have been on this journey of figuring out who I am, what motivates me and what my next chapter will look like. I think there has been a little bit of a point where I have caught glimpses of how others view me. It has been exciting and wonderful and weird and yeah. But if you ask me to dig deeper into my feelings or my thoughts, I don't want to get that raw. But I am looking for that drive that kick that pushes me to the next place and I guess it means I have to be willing to be more vulnerable and open. Interestingly enough, I have been talking about just that with a friend of mine, regarding a situation I am in and it's funny how while the outcomes and the circumstances are a little different, how I get there has to be the same.

And finally the third one:
  If you can't tell these three fortunes actually are well connected. Or at least my situations are so close that these fortunes resonate LOUDLY within them.

But in regards to this last one- "Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it." I am an advice giver! My friends are constantly coming to me and asking me my thoughts and opinions. I am in the space of knowing for myself that I am not one who is willing to take her own advice though. So while my friends are reaping these big rewards, I am chillin in the same circumstances that I am in. I guess moral of the story, take better care of myself, be willing to be vulnerable and take my own advice!

We'll see how it goes...

Thankful

Hello there.. This is a moment when I share more of my truths a little bit more. If you have been following my blog then you have gotten a little taste of who I am at the core. So here is another part of the layer being pulled off.

 The news lately has been covered in the sudden death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. As the news continued to cover his death, it was determined that he struggled with a drug addiction and had overdosed at the time of his death.

Whenever I hear of people dying of drug addiction it definitely strikes a chord with me. I mean I spent the larger part of my high school career counting the grade I was in, by the drugs I did. While I am blessed to live now.  It saddens me that there are many people who aren't that lucky. Those of us who were in my circle have the stories of a friend, or ourselves who went in too deep. We will carry mistakes and choices with us for the rest of our lives. And every time we hear that someone died from a drug overdose, or whose path just turned them far from the person they once were, the thoughts that at least go through my head, are "Thank God I was saved." I feel for the families and friends left behind. I feel for the families and friends who have to worry as much as they do, that they will not be the story plastered over the news. There are countless others who are not as well known as the actors who have recently died from the effects of a drug addiction.

To them this post is for you....

Finding my words...

... Hey Y'all
 It has been a while since I have written. Trying to get my sea-legs.. For someone like myself who loves speaking, who has a fascination with words etc, it is definitely a test when I am tasked with finding my own voice.

For those of you who don't know I am active on social media, follow my tweets- @njc89 . In the mornings I am known by my friends and followers for posting different quotes and comments to get people motivated for the day. My brother-n-law has been an active cheerleader, in wanting the "Morning Inspirations" as they are aptly titled to inspire motivation for others, but he wants to encourage me to use my own voice. Which has put me in the biggest road block and one of the biggest moments of discomfort.

I love quotes, I love what other people's words have done to inspire me. But to think of my life and that which motivates me in 140 characters or less, is a lot to think about. I don't sit around writing those great thoughts that come to my head. Although I could make a claim that I should spend more time doing so.

So with that for those of you who follow my words both in this blog and through my other spheres, please be in agreement with me that I find my words.

That my discomfort does not cause lack for those who are looking and seeking that inspiration.

-That's all she wrote...

Happy, Single and finally loving me

It's only fitting that I am writing this on Valentine's Day. The truth is I have never really been a fan of the commercial "Hallmark Holiday," that is Valentine's Day. Some might argue that this is because I haven't been in relationships to know and understand "the value" of Valentine's Day.

Okay world, truth- I have not been in that many relationships. Why? Being that vulnerable to someone else scares the life out of me. Feeling as if I need to be that dependable to someone else freaks me out. I know that I might have a twisted idea of what love and relationships are and that is the reason that I am totally okay with my single status.
  The reality is while part of me would love to be in a relationship, the truth is I am too selfish with my life right now. The convenience  of being able to pick up the phone and almost always having someone to hang with is cool, buuuuut that's not the only reason why you are in a relationship.

My selfishness is that I enjoy my independence. I enjoy my freedom, not really having to think about another person. And that might seem messed up but that's the reality.

The other truth is I'm not surely full I have let go of my stupidity. Being non-committal for so long I don't know what or how to be in a relationship with someone else. Annnnd there is a lot that I have to forgive about and in myself before I put myself out for another person.

Do I believe in love, yes. The greatest example of an unconditional love is Jesus Christ. I have been one who has believed the false love of people close to me and have been working towards understanding what the bible and His example says of me.

Do I have a lot to learn yes?

Am I knocking anyone who is blessed to be in a relationship? No, because the value of having you in my life is that I get to learn what love is by having great examples around me.

To friends and family who constantly tell me I am getting older, my clock is ticking and I need to be on the search.... There are many more priorities I have then making myself a standard of someone's affection.

I trust that when that time comes I will be ready. I trust that when that time comes that what I want for my life, to be a wife and mother  will happen. And it will be perfect because He is at the center.

The reality is I'm not in a rush to figure this out. I'm enjoying the journey and honestly I'm enjoying getting to know myself.

If you can't be happy and content in your single life, do you really think adding someone else is going to make it better?

Lessons learned, single and loving it

There is something about Love..

It's interesting for someone like myself who doesn't really like the word love to use it as much as I have recently. The reality is I don't like the word love, because it gets used too loosely and no one in my opinion uses it with the pride and the care that it should be represented as.

I am always hesitant to use the word, but in my walk with Christ and my genuine love of the Church He has set me in, I have very much enjoyed using the word and blessing people with it. To tell people that you LOVE them, is a gift a blessing and a true honor. My church finds joy when using that word. It is a blessed word, a God word a gift that while I think some people do not cherish, I am finding examples of where that word has value. I am finding examples where that word is true and I am finding examples of where I am getting more and more comfortable to use it.

Welcoming 2014

Hey Y'all, Happy 2014! Each new year people make resolutions, things they would like to change about themselves from the previous year. I resolve to NEVER make resolutions again. 
  I don't want to keep looking at the previous year as a mistake and I don't want to look at myself as someone who can be or should be changed constantly. At 28 I am very proud of the woman I have become. I have learned to cherish the "mistakes" I have made in life as brilliant lessons learned and opportunities to learn more about who I am at my core. I have been blessed beyond belief, despite my circumstances and situations to have an amazing family (blood and not) around me. They have prayed, cried, laughed, cheered, encouraged, spoken truth and valued me through every part of my life. I wouldn't give that up for the world. Even when I fall short of the version of myself that I know that I am, I don't beat myself up about it. I take it as a moment to reflect, why did I make a certain choice, what motivated me to do so and a lesson to not make the same choices again. 

So here's what I am looking forward to in 2014:
 Making more mistakes, cherishing those around me, laughing, crying, praying, getting to know me a little bit more and most importantly Living! This thing called life, it's complicated, it's messy, but it is amazing, beautiful, captivating and it's OURS! You only get to live it once. 

Enjoy the next 364 days of the new year, make it count! Make it worth it and make it your best!