... I let myself play with fire and got caught up in some PURE stupidity. I have been talking in the last few posts about a guy that I have had a history with. I will no longer lie to myself, yes I have real feelings. I could probably even learn to be in love with him, but there is a reason we never got a chance to be together. And despite what he says, and what I only hope he continues to say IS very different from what he does.
Point being when we last spoke he said he would do a better job of keeping up, so I let a few days go by and then I text him to say what's up. Then after the week went by I let him know that his plan to keep in touch sucked. And while every conversation I have with him is lightly sparkled flirtation, I know that a text message is extremely harmless. Even more harmless are the crazy 3am drunken phone calls I receive from him, even though I always will hold true that a person's true feelings come out when they are drunk, and even though I know that when he's drunk is when he tells me that I am "The One." But truth be told for some people, i.e his baby mamma, the fact that I have known him for going on 9 years and the fact that we don't talk like we've been friend for 9 years doesn't even seem to resonate with her. I mean I may have known TD for 9 years, but our friendship is really in retrospect like a year and a half old, give or take. Clearly in it's infant stage.
So tonight, I text him and I just said that his game plan sucked. And that he needed to rethink his strategy as, we don't talk that much and while it's the new year I hope that changes. So I get a text message from "him" saying "Really (classic TD, but without his normal tone- how I was able to pick up on it is only because I KNOW him) and so I was like "Yup I said it." And the response was "I already told you. What's our plan, what's my strategy."-- The minute I read that, I knew it was his baby mama, trying to get me caught up in some nonsense that I did not create nor did I want to be a part of. So I responded with " Huh? I am talking about the fact that we have known each other for 9 years and that while our friendship is almost a decade long we don't act like we know each other. And that hopefully this year would be a little different." But like I said I knew it was his chick, so I wrote back right after "And, tell TD I said hi and to whoever I am talking to right now I hope you have a great year." At which point I decided to officially wipe my hands clean of the whole situation. I am over being pulled into some mess- I know that I am not so innocent in this. I know that I have feelings for him and I know that I have this dream that ONE DAY maybe, just maybe we'll get our chance. But at the same time, when I have to deal with this when conversations are innocent (because I am not stupid) I have to deal with a dumb chick and her own insecurities. I get a response later after I wrote that part about tell him I said hi- Don't text or call, alright. Well TD, point taken and noted. I will not text or call you anymore. If I care to know how you are doing I will ask your family and to be honest I don't want to care anymore. We both need to grow up and move on. This fantasy we are holding on to is us not living in the real world and it's causing trouble for way too many people, ourselves included. And more importantly, I am walking away because you have a beautiful little boy who needs his father and given this chicks track record with me right now, I wouldn't be surprised if she threatens to take him away and I would not be happy with myself if I let that happen, so I am letting it go. I am walking away and saying good bye because it is the best for both of us.
But don't get it twisted, you mistook kindness for weakness and you mistook the thought that I would always be around. In some respect yeah, I will applaud you from a far, I will probably run into you from time to time while I'm visiting your fam, but the one on one. consider it over with. I just hope you figure out what you are doing with that "ball n chain" because this chick telling me to no longer talk to my friend is making me very angry. But for my sanity deuces!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
#1
I've decided I will write to you so that one day you can see that through all these years it HAS been you.
I saw a quote today that made me think of you: Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about...
You doubt that I could ever have feelings for you, saying things like I deserve better and that I am too good for a guy like you. I wish you would realize your own self worth and also know that I've known you for a long time and this 'woah is me' 'pity me' stuff does not fly with me. I have also learned that in all these years through all of your flings-- for some reason you come back to me. I can't explain it and it has always scared me. Considering what we've been through over the years and the fact that we have never once really even given an "us" a shot. I mean let's be honest, I did have a crush on you when you first started working at Chili's with me, but then that date we had that ended in us missing our movie twice, I mean your reaction totally made me decide it wasn't worth it.
And how we sort of just fell into each other whenever the time permitted, baseball games, parties, random nights at your place. Or actually setting it up, like that night you came to visit me at work. I still don't know how that happened-- so random that you text and then showed up. Or Vegas. Ugh there was always something fun and exciting about sneaking around though- Of course only when you were single. I guess I wonder why you never thought to ask me.
Why do you wait until you have been drinking and until it is the most inopportune time to do so, to tell me your feelings/ Why do you for some reason, no matter how much time is spent between us do you come back to me, turn to me? And why do I still hold on to that night I left Cali, the night you said to me " I never thought you'd be the one to leave." Why is it that I am the one you think about before you go to sleep when we haven't ever really had much of a REALationship?
To be honest, I'm tired of asking these questions in my head. I sort of just want to live in these moments where I do fall for you. It's like I fall for you everytime I get that 4am phone call. You pull me right back into it again. But I'd like to actually FEEL IT, and for once be able to see what is on the other side of the door-- that we both are too scared to walk through.
I saw a quote today that made me think of you: Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about...
You doubt that I could ever have feelings for you, saying things like I deserve better and that I am too good for a guy like you. I wish you would realize your own self worth and also know that I've known you for a long time and this 'woah is me' 'pity me' stuff does not fly with me. I have also learned that in all these years through all of your flings-- for some reason you come back to me. I can't explain it and it has always scared me. Considering what we've been through over the years and the fact that we have never once really even given an "us" a shot. I mean let's be honest, I did have a crush on you when you first started working at Chili's with me, but then that date we had that ended in us missing our movie twice, I mean your reaction totally made me decide it wasn't worth it.
And how we sort of just fell into each other whenever the time permitted, baseball games, parties, random nights at your place. Or actually setting it up, like that night you came to visit me at work. I still don't know how that happened-- so random that you text and then showed up. Or Vegas. Ugh there was always something fun and exciting about sneaking around though- Of course only when you were single. I guess I wonder why you never thought to ask me.
Why do you wait until you have been drinking and until it is the most inopportune time to do so, to tell me your feelings/ Why do you for some reason, no matter how much time is spent between us do you come back to me, turn to me? And why do I still hold on to that night I left Cali, the night you said to me " I never thought you'd be the one to leave." Why is it that I am the one you think about before you go to sleep when we haven't ever really had much of a REALationship?
To be honest, I'm tired of asking these questions in my head. I sort of just want to live in these moments where I do fall for you. It's like I fall for you everytime I get that 4am phone call. You pull me right back into it again. But I'd like to actually FEEL IT, and for once be able to see what is on the other side of the door-- that we both are too scared to walk through.
Lost in the thought of you...
It's funny how it seems that when I seem to find a way to live my life without you, you find a way to creep back in and consume all of me. My heart, my thoughts, every part of my being waits patiently, waits frantically hoping that I'll hear your voice or read your words and that the insanity of this waiting will cease. That the pounding of my heart will slow down so that I can actually breathe and soak in the moment.
Each time we talk you make these grand statements and each time I say to myself don't be fooled. But this time I gave you the benefit of the doubt. There was no drunken call, not crying, no fear it was just you FINALLY being honest with a girl that you care about and saying you will do better. And it was a girl who cares about you more than she lets on, FINALLY letting you in a little deeper to the place you want to be. All the while holding her breathe that you don't screw this up.
One day there will be a headline, woman dies from lack of oxygen, due to holding her breathe to stave off heartbreak... I hope that day is far in the future and that you live up to the words you speak in those moments neither one of us can seem to forget.
So as this dance continues where you pull me in I am allowing you to let myself get caught up in the hopes that this time you will actually live by your word and that thing called happiness can grace us both.
In the meantime I will keep one hand on the door before I step all the way through because there's a part of me who doesn't trust the words you are saying or the dream you want me to believe in. This hand will stay on the handle in the event I need to be pulled back, braced by and locked out of this room forever.
But I hope until that day we hold on to these moments and that your word rings true, for right now I am a little lost in the thought of you...
Each time we talk you make these grand statements and each time I say to myself don't be fooled. But this time I gave you the benefit of the doubt. There was no drunken call, not crying, no fear it was just you FINALLY being honest with a girl that you care about and saying you will do better. And it was a girl who cares about you more than she lets on, FINALLY letting you in a little deeper to the place you want to be. All the while holding her breathe that you don't screw this up.
One day there will be a headline, woman dies from lack of oxygen, due to holding her breathe to stave off heartbreak... I hope that day is far in the future and that you live up to the words you speak in those moments neither one of us can seem to forget.
So as this dance continues where you pull me in I am allowing you to let myself get caught up in the hopes that this time you will actually live by your word and that thing called happiness can grace us both.
In the meantime I will keep one hand on the door before I step all the way through because there's a part of me who doesn't trust the words you are saying or the dream you want me to believe in. This hand will stay on the handle in the event I need to be pulled back, braced by and locked out of this room forever.
But I hope until that day we hold on to these moments and that your word rings true, for right now I am a little lost in the thought of you...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
#Reverb10-Prompt 30
This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?
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This is interesting. I never know what to get for myself so whenever people ask me what do you want for your birthday or Christmas while there may be many things that I can think of well after the fact bu when people ask me, I am like I don't know-- a book, some money etc. But it rarely is something that I am like YES! That is EXACTLY what I needed. For instance this holiday I had no clue what I wanted. But now after the holiday is over I realize a FLAT IRON would be nice! No, it's necessary!
I feel that I have more of an idea of how to give useful gifts for others than I do for myself. For instance in High School I gave a friend his favorite chocolate and a CD that I let him borrow from time to time because he really liked it. For a friend on his last birthday I gave him a collection of CDs by his favorite band because the CDs he had were ruined, either scratched or damaged in some other fashion.
I don't know if I have received that memorable gift that was tangible or emotional. But a gift that stands out is a graduation present I received from a friends mother. Porcupine needle earrings. It is a Native American gift and they are beautiful. Another gift I got was a gift from a friend who had taken my graduation picture and created a picture frame with my name the year and month I graduated, the school and words of wisdom it was nice. And this Christmas another friend bought me this quote block that I can put up in my room. I don't have the quote right now ( I will put it in once I get it out of my suitcase) But it's perfect for me because it means it captures all of the feelings and the confidence I need to have in reaching my goals.
I think moving into the new year I will do a better job at making sure that I articulate things that are needed. But I hope that in the future I will be able to take care of the things that are needed for me and my family and not have to worry about the other stuff.
_____________________________________________________________________________
This is interesting. I never know what to get for myself so whenever people ask me what do you want for your birthday or Christmas while there may be many things that I can think of well after the fact bu when people ask me, I am like I don't know-- a book, some money etc. But it rarely is something that I am like YES! That is EXACTLY what I needed. For instance this holiday I had no clue what I wanted. But now after the holiday is over I realize a FLAT IRON would be nice! No, it's necessary!
I feel that I have more of an idea of how to give useful gifts for others than I do for myself. For instance in High School I gave a friend his favorite chocolate and a CD that I let him borrow from time to time because he really liked it. For a friend on his last birthday I gave him a collection of CDs by his favorite band because the CDs he had were ruined, either scratched or damaged in some other fashion.
I don't know if I have received that memorable gift that was tangible or emotional. But a gift that stands out is a graduation present I received from a friends mother. Porcupine needle earrings. It is a Native American gift and they are beautiful. Another gift I got was a gift from a friend who had taken my graduation picture and created a picture frame with my name the year and month I graduated, the school and words of wisdom it was nice. And this Christmas another friend bought me this quote block that I can put up in my room. I don't have the quote right now ( I will put it in once I get it out of my suitcase) But it's perfect for me because it means it captures all of the feelings and the confidence I need to have in reaching my goals.
I think moving into the new year I will do a better job at making sure that I articulate things that are needed. But I hope that in the future I will be able to take care of the things that are needed for me and my family and not have to worry about the other stuff.
#Reverb10-Prompt 29
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
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The defining moment of my 2010 was stepping on the scale and learning that I had lost 35lbs! I have had the most up and down life of trying to "control" my weight. So there was something to be said about me sticking to my plan, dropping the weight and receiving many compliments from family and friends who noticed an difference. Even I notice a difference myself, when clothes I used to wear a fitting me much better than they did when I bought them. Or clothes right now are too big.
Losing a particular amount has never been the concern for me. It has actually been about me reaching a goal-- my goal for myself is to get a 4pack by May. So by the time I am done with a year of Grad School I want to have a 4pack. I want to be bikini ready for the summer and I want to look FABULOUS!
I have had in the past trouble being consistent and while I still have had time conflicts my inconsistency hasn't been as bad as it has been in the past. For the first time I feel that I am actually managing it a lot better. That time off hasn't lasted months like it normally has, it is now only a few days. And that to me is wonderfully fabulous! So I am hoping that in the new year I can continue to grow in this fashion and that I reach my goal for the 2K11 It's all about keep the PGS moving!
_____________________________________________________________________________
The defining moment of my 2010 was stepping on the scale and learning that I had lost 35lbs! I have had the most up and down life of trying to "control" my weight. So there was something to be said about me sticking to my plan, dropping the weight and receiving many compliments from family and friends who noticed an difference. Even I notice a difference myself, when clothes I used to wear a fitting me much better than they did when I bought them. Or clothes right now are too big.
Losing a particular amount has never been the concern for me. It has actually been about me reaching a goal-- my goal for myself is to get a 4pack by May. So by the time I am done with a year of Grad School I want to have a 4pack. I want to be bikini ready for the summer and I want to look FABULOUS!
I have had in the past trouble being consistent and while I still have had time conflicts my inconsistency hasn't been as bad as it has been in the past. For the first time I feel that I am actually managing it a lot better. That time off hasn't lasted months like it normally has, it is now only a few days. And that to me is wonderfully fabulous! So I am hoping that in the new year I can continue to grow in this fashion and that I reach my goal for the 2K11 It's all about keep the PGS moving!
#Reverb10- Prompt 28
What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
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To be honest next year I want to achieve financial stability. I think when I get it I will feel relieved. I have spent practically the majority of my adult life paying for school, or working hard to pay for an apartment and living expenses etc. I have had enough to keep a roof over my head and have food on the table. But I have had a hard time trying to build a substantial amount of savings when I am working paycheck to paycheck. It always seems too that when I have some money saved up it disappears quickly, for instance a week before finals I had saved over $300 to jump start my savings and to pay off my credit card. Well my computer crashed and I ended up losing the money that I had saved. It was frustrating and when I am living paycheck that burden is extremely stressful.
I think about the debt I have now, I have a credit card I need to pay off, I have a balance that I owe a friend and I have loans to pay off. And with no real stable job all of that is intense as heck. But you know what I understand what it takes in order to put me on the right path. I have to just continue to do what I need to to set a budget. Save money. That means reducing the amount of money I spend going out. putting a little money away a month in order to create some balance for myself and begin to set the tone for my future. I think the reason why this is so stressful right now is because I am realizing I am graduating in less than 2 semesters. I am supposed to look for an apartment starting in the summer and I don't have the financial base in order to get one right now. So YES I am FREAKING OUT!
The steps that I need to take in order to feel relieved is to slowly build up my base. Say a positive affirmation everyday and have faith that tom morrow and my future will be much better than my today. WHICH IT WILL!
____________________________________________________________________
To be honest next year I want to achieve financial stability. I think when I get it I will feel relieved. I have spent practically the majority of my adult life paying for school, or working hard to pay for an apartment and living expenses etc. I have had enough to keep a roof over my head and have food on the table. But I have had a hard time trying to build a substantial amount of savings when I am working paycheck to paycheck. It always seems too that when I have some money saved up it disappears quickly, for instance a week before finals I had saved over $300 to jump start my savings and to pay off my credit card. Well my computer crashed and I ended up losing the money that I had saved. It was frustrating and when I am living paycheck that burden is extremely stressful.
I think about the debt I have now, I have a credit card I need to pay off, I have a balance that I owe a friend and I have loans to pay off. And with no real stable job all of that is intense as heck. But you know what I understand what it takes in order to put me on the right path. I have to just continue to do what I need to to set a budget. Save money. That means reducing the amount of money I spend going out. putting a little money away a month in order to create some balance for myself and begin to set the tone for my future. I think the reason why this is so stressful right now is because I am realizing I am graduating in less than 2 semesters. I am supposed to look for an apartment starting in the summer and I don't have the financial base in order to get one right now. So YES I am FREAKING OUT!
The steps that I need to take in order to feel relieved is to slowly build up my base. Say a positive affirmation everyday and have faith that tom morrow and my future will be much better than my today. WHICH IT WILL!
#Reverb10-Prompt 27
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
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So I realize that this might be a little cheesy but I am going to go there anyway. I am so busy most of the year, that honestly my ordinary joy is a cup of hot chocolate a good book or movie and chillaxin with my family. The reason why I say I know it's cheesy it because I am 25- I should be going out partying it up etc. But I feel like I spent most of my party years back in Cali and now it's time to be a little bit of a grown up. I do have fun, but when I just need to be happy and stay grounded spending time with my niece and my nephews is where I feel the most joy.
It is easy there is no buys schedule, trying to maximize the most of a day, it is all about going at a pace and just enjoying the time.
So this year my most joyful ordinary moment actually came recently and that was chilling at home during the holidays and watching movies with the family. Everyone all bundled up on the couch passing popcorn and watching some crazy movie. Those are the moments I love and those are the moments I can't wait to have with a family of my own some day soon.
____________________________________________________________________________
So I realize that this might be a little cheesy but I am going to go there anyway. I am so busy most of the year, that honestly my ordinary joy is a cup of hot chocolate a good book or movie and chillaxin with my family. The reason why I say I know it's cheesy it because I am 25- I should be going out partying it up etc. But I feel like I spent most of my party years back in Cali and now it's time to be a little bit of a grown up. I do have fun, but when I just need to be happy and stay grounded spending time with my niece and my nephews is where I feel the most joy.
It is easy there is no buys schedule, trying to maximize the most of a day, it is all about going at a pace and just enjoying the time.
So this year my most joyful ordinary moment actually came recently and that was chilling at home during the holidays and watching movies with the family. Everyone all bundled up on the couch passing popcorn and watching some crazy movie. Those are the moments I love and those are the moments I can't wait to have with a family of my own some day soon.
#Reverb10-Prompt 26
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?
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OOO that one is a tough one because I often feel that we don't necessarily eat to please our palate. I think we just eat what we are used to without really tasting it. But something that I ate that was by far one of the best things I have ever had was at this restaurant in New Orleans. Alligator Cheesecake. I know that it doesn't sound very appealing, but let me tell you this food was delicious.
It was hot a little spicy but "tastes just like chicken." If you ever make it to the Big Easy take a stroll out to a restaurant titled Jacques Imo's! Make sure to order the Alligator Cheesecake.
__________________________________________________________
OOO that one is a tough one because I often feel that we don't necessarily eat to please our palate. I think we just eat what we are used to without really tasting it. But something that I ate that was by far one of the best things I have ever had was at this restaurant in New Orleans. Alligator Cheesecake. I know that it doesn't sound very appealing, but let me tell you this food was delicious.
It was hot a little spicy but "tastes just like chicken." If you ever make it to the Big Easy take a stroll out to a restaurant titled Jacques Imo's! Make sure to order the Alligator Cheesecake.
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