... Hey all this is a letter more to myself than anything else. I have been going through the biggest funk the last few weeks. And while I talk about the Pretty Girl Swag and how this movement has a lot to do with my growth and development, there are still many parts of this PSG that I need to get used to and parts that I still need to develop and grow. For instance, it has taken me 25 years to have even a semblance of confidence in myself. Now when I have begun to feel proud of myself and feel accomplished I am the one who sort of sets myself up for a fall.
I have heard all of my life that through the many struggles that I have been through, that I have been one that so many people look up to. I have had this support group, these amazing people who have been around me who have cheered me on no matter what and through it all. These same people even when I have been feeling down, or worried about my own ability have never been more supportive, have never been more faithful to the goals and the dreams that I have had for myself.
This journey that I have taken, getting myself through college, graduating with a BA, earning a MA etc. These goals have since I can remember been my dream, that no matter what has gone on in my life, a divorce, me having no financial stability, me having some weird relationships with both or one of my parents- I have always had my brain and well, I have always had college to fall back on. For many in the Black community having a goal of getting through college is the one thing that we have had to hold onto in order to take ourselves out of our situations and make the best of what lies ahead. For me college is not just about me, its about those cheerleaders who have backed me through it all, that in those little moments when I was afraid to go on have always been there.
So now that I am in Grad School, I have been walking this life as if I was dead- better phrasing necessary. I have been living this life with one foot in the door and one foot out. I told my cousin today, that I think I went into this semester fearing that it was going to be taken all away from me. I never went into this semester feeling as if I was worthy of being here. And that was a BIG mistake. So here is what I want to tell you all, for any of you who actually read this blog:
There are a million thing sin life that are going to stop you from achieving your dreams. And there are a million more things in life that are going to make those dreams seem far out of reach. There are a million things in life that are going to make it feel IMPOSSIBLE to reach those goals, but there is only ONE person who really calls the shots and that is... YOURSELF. Despite all of those millions, there is only one who can really make a difference. 9 times out of 10 it only takes 1 to mess it all up. When I was at Foothill College we read this book as part of my English cohort that helped us as minorities learn how to continue on this path in college. One of the topics it covered was the "self-fulfilling prophecy". I have had this doubt in the back of my head that I wasn't going to make it, and if I don't well the only person that I have to give credit for that is myself. Not the million other things that I am afraid of taking it away from me.
So now, its about sucking it up. We have one week left and then finals and while I don't know what awaits me on the other end, this is what I can say. I WILL NOT ALLOW ANOTHER MILLION AND 1 THINGS TO RUIN ALL OF MY HOPES AND DREAMS. More importantly, I WILL NOT ALLOW ONE to destroy the support of the greatest cheerleading squad a person can have. I owe so many people so much for continuing to have an unwavering faith in me. One that has never faltered even when I have doubted myself.
So tonight, and for every night that I have breath, I pray to you O Lord to let me not lose sight of this ever again. And to continue to have faith in the abilities that you have given me.
Amen....
- Keesha
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Bringing back a little bit of that puppy love feeling...
Came across this song do to a Tweet that came through on my Twitter feed (follow me @njc89)
Anyways I watched the video and it brought back a little bit of that "puppy love" feeling you get when you first realize that you like someone. The little "play" between Drake and Rihanna is what makes me miss relationships (let me dive a little deeper here for a minute). I have never been the girl to really "do relationships." I have had friendships, that have bordered the line of bf-gf territory, but I had for the longest time been VERY comfortable without having titles and just being friends who hung out or were "talking." The reason in part that I was trying to get away from the titles, was because in my own way I was trying to figure out how I could get away from the mistakes my parents made and the reason why they got divorced- in my head, if you didn't have those titles, you couldn't fall in love and you couldn't get hurt.. I know now the difference, but tell that to a teenager/young adult and she'd think you were crazy. Today that young adult has grown up and values the "Real" relationships she has had, because they taught her a little bit more about how to take a different path in her life and I guess they have shown me still the ways in which I can "avoid the fate of my parents." But needless to say it is in these relationships that those little moments, a laugh here or there with someone else, who you know at least in that moment cares about you. Those fleeting moments that make the butterflies in your stomach creep up in the most unexpected ways, and those moments where you think that you might have caught a glimpse of that "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow"- LOVE. Well, this video "What's My name" by Rihanna featuring Drake does just that. It brings me a little closer to that feeling of those fleeting moments. I am not sure if the song on its own would have had that much of an impact on me- had I not seen the video. But I think it is in the video that I really find that small window of Life existing. So to whoever directed this music video, JOB WELL DONE, to take a simple concept and make it something relatable , fun and cute!
Let me know what you think.. here is the video
WHAT'S MY NAME?" Rihanna ft. Drake
brought to you by YouTube!
Anyways I watched the video and it brought back a little bit of that "puppy love" feeling you get when you first realize that you like someone. The little "play" between Drake and Rihanna is what makes me miss relationships (let me dive a little deeper here for a minute). I have never been the girl to really "do relationships." I have had friendships, that have bordered the line of bf-gf territory, but I had for the longest time been VERY comfortable without having titles and just being friends who hung out or were "talking." The reason in part that I was trying to get away from the titles, was because in my own way I was trying to figure out how I could get away from the mistakes my parents made and the reason why they got divorced- in my head, if you didn't have those titles, you couldn't fall in love and you couldn't get hurt.. I know now the difference, but tell that to a teenager/young adult and she'd think you were crazy. Today that young adult has grown up and values the "Real" relationships she has had, because they taught her a little bit more about how to take a different path in her life and I guess they have shown me still the ways in which I can "avoid the fate of my parents." But needless to say it is in these relationships that those little moments, a laugh here or there with someone else, who you know at least in that moment cares about you. Those fleeting moments that make the butterflies in your stomach creep up in the most unexpected ways, and those moments where you think that you might have caught a glimpse of that "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow"- LOVE. Well, this video "What's My name" by Rihanna featuring Drake does just that. It brings me a little closer to that feeling of those fleeting moments. I am not sure if the song on its own would have had that much of an impact on me- had I not seen the video. But I think it is in the video that I really find that small window of Life existing. So to whoever directed this music video, JOB WELL DONE, to take a simple concept and make it something relatable , fun and cute!
Let me know what you think.. here is the video
WHAT'S MY NAME?" Rihanna ft. Drake
brought to you by YouTube!
Friday, November 12, 2010
A dream wrapped in a song...
Awww... So this song popped up when my iPod was doing its shuffle thing, and it just sparked some things about the hopeless romantic in me.. I think as children you have this vision of the person who is going to sweep you off your feet, and as you get older, I think that vision you hold evolves a little bit and turns into something more substantial more relevant etc.
Well this video was my vision as a little girl (well really when this song came out) and even now at 25 I still think this song is the vision that I have for my future as well. I think the dream is something bigger though, it's not about the boy anymore. It's about the hope of love and the dream that whatever that love is, is something that will sustain a lifetime. Something that transcends many obstacles, something that is long lasting, something dynamic and most importantly I think that "The Truth"- India Arie is that the love makes you better.#justathought... Check it out and tell me what you think..
Well this video was my vision as a little girl (well really when this song came out) and even now at 25 I still think this song is the vision that I have for my future as well. I think the dream is something bigger though, it's not about the boy anymore. It's about the hope of love and the dream that whatever that love is, is something that will sustain a lifetime. Something that transcends many obstacles, something that is long lasting, something dynamic and most importantly I think that "The Truth"- India Arie is that the love makes you better.#justathought... Check it out and tell me what you think..
Letter # 4
Dear Y_______________,
So I have had a few "Truths' to tell you.. But I haven't had a need to actually "say" it outloud or in type. But I will combine a few of my latest ones because I think they fit very well together and basically they speak everything I would like to say to you as of right now..
1) You must have gotten me confused with some other version of myself.. Do not get it twisted, my kindness has a limit and your time is about up.
Lately you have been telling my that I have been acting different. That because I do not text you as often or jump to say hi right away that there is soemthing wrong with me. And I have tried to explain it to you that "actions speak louder than words" that you need to actually do something in order to make me feel like our friendship or whatever this current state of our realtionship is worth it for me to invest in. I AM a nice person and part of that personality is that I care passionately about the people I let in my life. But here is the truth, my kindness can only go so far. And if you think that being mean to me, or copping an attitude whenever you want is going to make me continue to be nice you have another thing coming. I am nice, but I'm not stupid. I work hard to foster the realtionships that I have created and I wish that you would do the same and take some time to invest in this freindship or I am sorry to tell you my friend, you are going to lose out on one of the best supports you could have ever had...
Which leads me into point #2) You've changed. It's not because I had feelings for you and I am feeling bitter. But the person that I had respected, the person that I had ACTUALLY liked is definitely gone. You once asked me " What kind of person does this situation make me. What have my choices done to impact how you see me?" Right now I can tell you that it makes you different. Putting an investment in one person or avenue is not going to make your goals flourish and watching you cut things and people out of your life that would only enhance the person I know you can be, it means that you have changed. I wish you would figure it out, you've lost your path and it sucks watching you go down this way. I would love to tell you about yourself, but it's not my place. So I will just continue to write and hopefully leave little morsels into your life that you may pick up on the parts of yourself that you have walked away from. Remember that the person you are today is building the foundation of the person you will be tomorrow and the vision that you once had of yourself is not the person you are building today.
-K
So I have had a few "Truths' to tell you.. But I haven't had a need to actually "say" it outloud or in type. But I will combine a few of my latest ones because I think they fit very well together and basically they speak everything I would like to say to you as of right now..
1) You must have gotten me confused with some other version of myself.. Do not get it twisted, my kindness has a limit and your time is about up.
Lately you have been telling my that I have been acting different. That because I do not text you as often or jump to say hi right away that there is soemthing wrong with me. And I have tried to explain it to you that "actions speak louder than words" that you need to actually do something in order to make me feel like our friendship or whatever this current state of our realtionship is worth it for me to invest in. I AM a nice person and part of that personality is that I care passionately about the people I let in my life. But here is the truth, my kindness can only go so far. And if you think that being mean to me, or copping an attitude whenever you want is going to make me continue to be nice you have another thing coming. I am nice, but I'm not stupid. I work hard to foster the realtionships that I have created and I wish that you would do the same and take some time to invest in this freindship or I am sorry to tell you my friend, you are going to lose out on one of the best supports you could have ever had...
Which leads me into point #2) You've changed. It's not because I had feelings for you and I am feeling bitter. But the person that I had respected, the person that I had ACTUALLY liked is definitely gone. You once asked me " What kind of person does this situation make me. What have my choices done to impact how you see me?" Right now I can tell you that it makes you different. Putting an investment in one person or avenue is not going to make your goals flourish and watching you cut things and people out of your life that would only enhance the person I know you can be, it means that you have changed. I wish you would figure it out, you've lost your path and it sucks watching you go down this way. I would love to tell you about yourself, but it's not my place. So I will just continue to write and hopefully leave little morsels into your life that you may pick up on the parts of yourself that you have walked away from. Remember that the person you are today is building the foundation of the person you will be tomorrow and the vision that you once had of yourself is not the person you are building today.
-K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)