Hey y'all:
You already know that I have been going through this tough time. The news of what I've had revealed to me has just rocked the sense of who I am. It's unfortunate because on the outside life is GREAT! I am 27, I have a Master's Degree, a wonderful job, some amazing friends and family and I am able bodied, healthy and active. But what eats at me is the challenges that I have lived through- NOT the triumphs, but the challenges-- when I look back at them I am shamed by them. I don't like sharing those details of my life, because those details hold so much pain for me. I don't like sharing those details of my life, because of the look on other people's faces- when they know and witness the life I am living and hear the life I have lived-- a look of shock comes over them.
I don't like people being shocked by my life, or holding on to those images and moments as something that is me. I am much more than those moments, and I have lived through them, passed them, beyond them, that they are not my life anymore.
But allow a moment like the one I was faced with a couple of weeks ago and I feel lost. I feel rocked back into living through those challenges. My parents didn't really give me a chance to be a kid. I don't know any child who lives through a divorce, who does not grow up a little bit. But add the damage that my parents put me through and you end up growing up A LOT.
But here is the thing- the shame is not mine to hold. I don't need to be ashamed of where I have come from--- I wasn't the one who brought that into my life, but I have a great opportunity to take it out of my life. I have been holding shame for the last 15 years of my life because I was too scared of the look that others would give me, I was too scared of the feeling that talking about my life would bring.
I would rather live in the now and be proud of how far I have come and how much He has restored than sit in the misery that was my past. But it's okay to embrace it. It IS my life, and it made me who I am today. I don't have to be ashamed of it because all I did was live through it, passed it and into this moment.
The details and circumstances that got me here, the pain that was inflicted, that's my parents' burden to bare, not mine.
I'm starting to make my way back... It's not going to be easy, but I am making my way back.
That's all she wrote...
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Life goes on....
Hey Y'all:
As some of you might have read from my last post, I have been dealing with a huge issue in my family. What I thought was reality ended up turning not to be. As children we hold people in our lives to a high esteem. We look up to these individuals and have this feeling and hope that no matter what they will not hurt us, ESPECIALLY if they are our family. It's not that you mean to put them on a pedestal, it's just that you happen to. Out of a deep appreciation, love and fondness of them.
However, there are moments when that admiration gets crushed. You hope not too much, but when your world and the lens in which you look at others gets cracked, you become a little less innocent in your views of the world.
I didn't ask to be put on this earth, but I am here. And what I have learned over the last 27 years is I get to choose my happiness. No one can take that away from me. I get to choose what I want to hold on to, and how much I allow what others have done in my life to break me.
Yes, my life is painful, no I cannot forget it----but I can choose to forgive it and move on. Life goes on! It has to! It doesn't stop because someone caused me pain. And if I allow myself to stop, then what do I do? There is a bigger world out there than the one that includes Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran. He has purposed me for more than the pain that I have been dealing with. No matter how much I have been inflicted by the pain around me, I have to remember that the world around me suffers more deeply than I do. I have God and His victory and favor over my life and that goes a LONG way.
Will I continue to hurt, probably. But How long I allow myself to sit in that hurt is my choice. I owe myself and my future a little bit more than the depression I have been in. He has brought me out of a lot of trials and kept me safe.
I currently am in one of the happiest times of my life. My life is going pretty well! I have a job, I graduated from college-- I have thus far accomplished all that I have wanted in my life. Yes the world has thrown some SHADE at me! But I am still standing, still blessed with another day to live. I will choose my happiness, the memories that I want to hold on to and I will choose what feelings and emotions that I allow others to make me feel.
This life we have is ours and it continues to move forward even when we don't want to feel it. So why let it pass us by and not just live happy?
As some of you might have read from my last post, I have been dealing with a huge issue in my family. What I thought was reality ended up turning not to be. As children we hold people in our lives to a high esteem. We look up to these individuals and have this feeling and hope that no matter what they will not hurt us, ESPECIALLY if they are our family. It's not that you mean to put them on a pedestal, it's just that you happen to. Out of a deep appreciation, love and fondness of them.
However, there are moments when that admiration gets crushed. You hope not too much, but when your world and the lens in which you look at others gets cracked, you become a little less innocent in your views of the world.
I didn't ask to be put on this earth, but I am here. And what I have learned over the last 27 years is I get to choose my happiness. No one can take that away from me. I get to choose what I want to hold on to, and how much I allow what others have done in my life to break me.
Yes, my life is painful, no I cannot forget it----but I can choose to forgive it and move on. Life goes on! It has to! It doesn't stop because someone caused me pain. And if I allow myself to stop, then what do I do? There is a bigger world out there than the one that includes Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran. He has purposed me for more than the pain that I have been dealing with. No matter how much I have been inflicted by the pain around me, I have to remember that the world around me suffers more deeply than I do. I have God and His victory and favor over my life and that goes a LONG way.
Will I continue to hurt, probably. But How long I allow myself to sit in that hurt is my choice. I owe myself and my future a little bit more than the depression I have been in. He has brought me out of a lot of trials and kept me safe.
I currently am in one of the happiest times of my life. My life is going pretty well! I have a job, I graduated from college-- I have thus far accomplished all that I have wanted in my life. Yes the world has thrown some SHADE at me! But I am still standing, still blessed with another day to live. I will choose my happiness, the memories that I want to hold on to and I will choose what feelings and emotions that I allow others to make me feel.
This life we have is ours and it continues to move forward even when we don't want to feel it. So why let it pass us by and not just live happy?
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Life Lesson: There is no such thing as NORMAL
... Hey Y'all it has been a while! But I definitely feel the need to make some time to chat with y'all. It's weird, when things are going great, my life and time are soo busy that I don't always have time to check-in and talk about the positives. But when I get hit with bombshells, it's like I have all the time in the world to reflect on where life has brought me.
So this week's lesson- When I have kids, I want them to understand that there is no such thing as normal. Not that I am jaded, or naive to think that there are not ideals and societal cues that we live up to and for--- but in my experience normal doesn't exist. Or rather this pursuit of normal doesn't exist. What was normal in my life got destroyed 15 years ago when my parents got divorced, when my cousin tried to kill me, when my mother abducted me and when I rebelled and didn't care anymore. Normal doesn't exist when I talk about what I have been through in my life and I see the shock in other people's faces. Normal doesn't exist when I think about what I have been through and just want to be numb to it.
This past weekend I was made aware of a "family secret," one that has left me in complete shock. I spent the last few days just wanting to not think about it. I turned back to my own devices and self destructive behavior. I am tired of who I am and what I am becoming in my own right to be damaged and impacted by the choices- mainly my parents- have made in their lives. It is not my choice to be born into this dysfunction, but it is my choice how much I let it affect me today. However, all of those feelings of emotional distress are part of my healing. Even though I know the right things to do- lean more deeply into my church, take it to God and keep it moving, every part of me just wants to give up and say I'm done. I would rather curl up into a ball and cry or drink until I don't feel it anymore. But I have not come through all of the other stuff, just to give up now.
But how much more can one person take. I know I am not the mistakes and choices that my parents have made, will make and continue to make. But, I am impacted by them even when they don't think about it.
My biggest fear is repeating their mistakes.
In my future- Divorce is NOT an option. In my future- honesty and truthfulness even when it hurts, has to be on the table. In my future- communication, with my kids and my husband is non-negotiable. I need these things, because with my family, the dysfunction ends. I don't want to live in this life hurting my kids, or having a past that comes back to haunt the very fiber of the person I am growing and developing into an amazing human being.
I know that I am not the circumstances that my parents lived- sometimes it's easier said then felt. I am 27 years old, my name is Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran and although I was born to two individuals, I am my own person. I am a child of God, who has protected me, watched over me and continues to be here when my blood lets me down. The only thing I can do now is pray, pray for peace, pray for forgiveness (for myself included) and find a way to let Him have all the control. I know these last few days in my dealing and healing- I haven't been the best model version of myself, but I am a work in progress who is just trying to make some sense of the broken pieces I have around me. I'm trying not to drown in this either, but it's going to take some time.
In the meantime I have these lovely words to marinate on:
So this week's lesson- When I have kids, I want them to understand that there is no such thing as normal. Not that I am jaded, or naive to think that there are not ideals and societal cues that we live up to and for--- but in my experience normal doesn't exist. Or rather this pursuit of normal doesn't exist. What was normal in my life got destroyed 15 years ago when my parents got divorced, when my cousin tried to kill me, when my mother abducted me and when I rebelled and didn't care anymore. Normal doesn't exist when I talk about what I have been through in my life and I see the shock in other people's faces. Normal doesn't exist when I think about what I have been through and just want to be numb to it.
This past weekend I was made aware of a "family secret," one that has left me in complete shock. I spent the last few days just wanting to not think about it. I turned back to my own devices and self destructive behavior. I am tired of who I am and what I am becoming in my own right to be damaged and impacted by the choices- mainly my parents- have made in their lives. It is not my choice to be born into this dysfunction, but it is my choice how much I let it affect me today. However, all of those feelings of emotional distress are part of my healing. Even though I know the right things to do- lean more deeply into my church, take it to God and keep it moving, every part of me just wants to give up and say I'm done. I would rather curl up into a ball and cry or drink until I don't feel it anymore. But I have not come through all of the other stuff, just to give up now.
But how much more can one person take. I know I am not the mistakes and choices that my parents have made, will make and continue to make. But, I am impacted by them even when they don't think about it.
My biggest fear is repeating their mistakes.
In my future- Divorce is NOT an option. In my future- honesty and truthfulness even when it hurts, has to be on the table. In my future- communication, with my kids and my husband is non-negotiable. I need these things, because with my family, the dysfunction ends. I don't want to live in this life hurting my kids, or having a past that comes back to haunt the very fiber of the person I am growing and developing into an amazing human being.
I know that I am not the circumstances that my parents lived- sometimes it's easier said then felt. I am 27 years old, my name is Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran and although I was born to two individuals, I am my own person. I am a child of God, who has protected me, watched over me and continues to be here when my blood lets me down. The only thing I can do now is pray, pray for peace, pray for forgiveness (for myself included) and find a way to let Him have all the control. I know these last few days in my dealing and healing- I haven't been the best model version of myself, but I am a work in progress who is just trying to make some sense of the broken pieces I have around me. I'm trying not to drown in this either, but it's going to take some time.
In the meantime I have these lovely words to marinate on:
But while I say there is no such thing as "normal," I do know one thing- Normal is what you make of it and you can only have your "true normal" when you are happy. In that, no one can rob me of my happiness and joy. I will stand tall and firmly in who I am becoming REGARDLESS of what I have been through. I have made myself successful, I have lived in honesty and truth. I have apologized for my mistakes and I have forgiven myself and others for my missteps. I will continue to learn from my experiences and I guess when it comes down to it " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." More importantly, He doesn't put you into things you can't handle. I would just rather not be on the verge of breakthroughs and I would rather live in my peace and in my victory NOW!
Deuces!!
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