Hey all:
Depending on how much you have read and how long you have followed my story, some of you know that at one point in my life I lived in the one, the only BAY AREA-- San Francisco Bay Area, for those of you who don't know. Although the reasons I was there was a little damaging, the experience overall was an amazing one. I grew up there for lack of a better term. I mean, I did my learning there. I think the growing up is something I am just now going through now- hey we all make choices that we wish we had taken a different course with. I have no regrets, but there are some decisions I made, people I hurt that I know now, I had other ways to express myself, then in the way I chose. But tis life, you win some you lose some. It's all about how you choose to move forward that makes all the difference. The healthiest choice I made for myself was leaving the Bay. I needed to do it, it was what I needed in order to find myself.
But the Bay is a place that has my heart and will always have my heart. I built my family there. The best friends a girl could have. When things were rough for me, they were my parents, my aunts, my uncles.. My brothers and sisters. I owe them a lot, more than they will ever know.
Anyways, I am planning my first trip back to Cali in two years.. I am so excited- it will be a short visit (only a week) but one that is so needed. Last night I was on the phone with I guess you can call him an ex of sorts. I mean we never had a title (just the way I liked it at the time). For all purposes we were together though, I mean our friends knew that we were seeing each other-- whether or not we were official didn't matter. Anyways, this guy and I haven't really spoken since I left Cali. The realtionship I had with him actually was a catalyst for me, despite no titles and having some moments where I wanted to hurt him (for being a guy), the realtionship I had with him taught me in a round about way that I was ready to get into a REALationship! I mean I wanted the title and everything. It was because of him that when I moved out to the East Coast I actually started dating AND had a legit bf/gf relationship. Anyways that is not the point of this conversation. We were talking last night about my experiences out here, school, work etc. And my visit next week- we may see each other at one of the events my friends are planning. But anyways, we were talking about realtionships. He was asking me if I was in one, I asked him if he was in one, and it sort of took off from there. For the first time the two of us actually talked about a relationship and it wasn't ours! ha ha, 2 years and neither one of us ever brought up the "us-talk." It was so interesting to be able to have this conversation with him, to sort of be open and blunt and to not feel a bit weird about it. He told me he was sorry if he ever did anything to hurt me-- and I thought about it and came to this conclusion- why be sorry. At that time we were both younger, we were exactly what we both needed at the time. I am no expert on relationships, Ricky was the only "legitimate" relationship, although there were guys in and out of my life over the years. But what I do know in my own flawed way is that, falling out of love with someone does hurt, but its totally worth the risk, because at the end of it all you got to take away the biggest lesson of all, that you can be loved. Having that conversation with Mike last night made me realize that I do actually get this dating thing. I have thought that I must be the plauge or something. Going out with friends, I'm usually the last one hit on..etc. But talking to Mike last night sort of gave me validation, that you know what. It's not me. I have what it takes, I just need the right person. Anyways, having that conversation with Mike was so easy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just was what I needed to hear. I know I just said it, but like I said, I have gone through this life thinking I have a lot of love to give, but I must be flawed since the realtionships I have been in werent really that, but hearing an ex say otherwise. It's pretty cool.
Anyways, there was a point I had to this. But I don't know where it went. So instead I will leave you with a song, to all those long lost loves out there, or people who just came into your life for a reason, for a season. It's time for us to say thank you for the lessons the heartache taught us and let go and move on:
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Time to get personal
Hey all: first I would just like to say thank you to all of you who have continued to stop by and support this blog. I cannot tell you how much it truly amazes me the people that tkae time out of their day to just view it.
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
Friday, June 3, 2011
It feels good...
... It feels good to let go of all of the drama and the ish that I have been holding on to for years and FINALLY live my life for me and for God. I have had the most amazing time getting used to me and enjoying the life that I am living.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
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