Sometimes you just have to keep moving...

... Hey all this is a letter more to myself than anything else. I have been going through the biggest funk the last few weeks. And while I talk about the Pretty Girl Swag and how this movement has a lot to do with my growth and development, there are still many parts of this PSG that I need to get used to and parts that I still need to develop and grow. For instance, it has taken me 25 years to have even a semblance of confidence in myself. Now when I have begun to feel proud of myself and feel accomplished I am the one who sort of sets myself up for a fall.
I have heard all of my life that through the many struggles that I have been through, that I have been one that so many people look up to. I have had this support group, these amazing people who have been around me who have cheered me on no matter what and through it all. These same people even when I have been feeling down, or worried about my own ability have never been more supportive, have never been more faithful to the goals and the dreams that I have had for myself.
This journey that I have taken, getting myself through college, graduating with a BA, earning a MA etc. These goals have since I can remember been my dream, that no matter what has gone on in my life, a divorce, me having no financial stability, me having some weird relationships with both or one of my parents- I have always had my brain and well, I have always had college to fall back on. For many in the Black community having a goal of getting through college is the one thing that we have had to hold onto in order to take ourselves out of our situations and make the best of what lies ahead. For me college is not just about me, its about those cheerleaders who have backed me through it all, that in those little moments when I was afraid to go on have always been there.
So now that I am in Grad School, I have been walking this life as if I was dead- better phrasing necessary. I have been living this life with one foot in the door and one foot out. I told my cousin today, that I think I went into this semester fearing that it was going to be taken all away from me. I never went into this semester feeling as if I was worthy of being here. And that was a BIG mistake. So here is what I want to tell you all, for any of you who actually read this blog:
There are a million thing sin life that are going to stop you from achieving your dreams. And there are a million more things in life that are going to make those dreams seem far out of reach. There are a million things in life that are going to make it feel IMPOSSIBLE to reach those goals, but there is only ONE person who really calls the shots and that is... YOURSELF. Despite all of those millions, there is only one who can really make a difference. 9 times out of 10 it only takes 1 to mess it all up. When I was at Foothill College we read this book as part of my English cohort that helped us as minorities learn how to continue on this path in college. One of the topics it covered was the "self-fulfilling prophecy". I have had this doubt in the back of my head that I wasn't going to make it, and if I don't well the only person that I have to give credit for that is myself. Not the million other things that I am afraid of taking it away from me.
So now, its about sucking it up. We have one week left and then finals and while I don't know what awaits me on the other end, this is what I can say. I WILL NOT ALLOW ANOTHER MILLION AND 1 THINGS TO RUIN ALL OF MY HOPES AND DREAMS. More importantly, I WILL NOT ALLOW ONE to destroy the support of the greatest cheerleading squad a person can have. I owe so many people so much for continuing to have an unwavering faith in me. One that has never faltered even when I have doubted myself.
So tonight, and for every night that I have breath, I pray to you O Lord to let me not lose sight of this ever again. And to continue to have faith in the abilities that you have given me.
Amen....

- Keesha