It has been a while since I have written. 2017 was a rough year for me and in reflecting, I lost my voice. I lost that will and desire to be creative in the a place that gives me piece to process the every day instances of this life that I am leading.
So if I can just take a moment to say where I have been in 2017 and where I know I am going:
- I lost a friend, my best friend--- I had a best friend for a significant period of time and that relationship shifted where I became more conscious of how unhealthy that relationship was. I didn't react the way that was repairing of our friendship and like many misses where we allow our flesh to lead us and not our spirit, there will need to be healing and forgiveness on my part to come back from this loss
- So in losing my best friend, I felt super alone and not really sure of my safety nets, if that makes sense. And it's not to say that I do not have people, I have plenty of people, but when you have a void in your life you try to fill it and I was filling my void of missing my friend and not having that friend with despair
- My job shifted-- I knew it was coming and it shifted into something that I knew was/is challenging. And instead of facing the challenge in the state of grace that I have been blessed with I walked into this challenge in a tantrum-- NO LIE! I walked in ready to fight every day instead of having MY SPIRIT, the spirit of okay, what can I learn from this situation. My job is not perfect and yes, I am desiring to be in a new situation, but I allowed myself to get lost in the deficits that I got lost
- I stopped running
- I stopped working out
- I slept a lot
- I stopped writing
- My mother got sick-- My mother had a series of strokes in 6 months. The major one happened in May and I had to fly out to California.
- If you have been following my blogs (If I have gotten that deep yet) I have a very tense relationship with my mother
- And I was guided by the obligation of being the "dutiful" daughter to be responsive to my mother's situation
- With her health changing it also meant that I couldn't necessarily keep an arms length distance anymore, it means that there is something tugging at me that says I need to take action. But what it created with this immense fear
- I ended the year in a deep state of depression
- I was paralyzed in many instances to not act and to literally just weep
So you add these few major shifts and I really felt like I was riding out of 2017 literally on the rims. I could not wait to get to 2018. Really I couldn't wait for my job season to end and to have a week break to just be.
But here I am in 2018 and the circumstances are still the same, in that:
- I still am living a life without my best friend
- My job is still shifted
- My mother is still very sick and much of her healing and well-being is out of my control
But here are the things that are also different in these first 21 days of the new year:
- I lost my best friend and I am learning to be at peace with it and learning to forgive myself for it
- My job shifted and so has my attitude. I know this work is not for me, but while I am in this season, I know that "NO ONE CAN STEAL MY JOY". So I am RECLAIMING MY JOY and walking into my job with an attitude of the faith that I know will get me through
- My mother is still sick, and I am seeing a therapist!
Let's be real, there are so many stigmas about therapy and especially within the Black communities. But I am not naive to know that therapists were gifted these talents to be able to walk out these hard situations in our lives. As a Christian, I know that it is not only the therapist that is at work, but that I am also casting my cares upon the altar of God. These two actions combined are changing me.
The darkness and heaviness that I carried with me towards the end of 2017 is in 2017. I feel better, I feel bolder, that is for sure. And I know that it will require a bit of day by day moments. But can I get a joyful shout that in this day by day moment--- I AM WRITING!!! I am slowly finding my voice again and I hope that she continues to be strengthened each day to come back here and share with y'all "Inside Keesha's World."
