Dig Deeper...

...I have a new friend who says that I don't give him more of the depth that he expects to find in friends. This is very interesting for me considering that I feel that I give a lot of myself in friendships and I feel that there are just some parts of my life that to say outloud is awkward. I know my life, I have expressed some of this life throughout my blogs, but to come out and "tell" my story to someone "outloud" is a very sacred thing. If that means anything, I mean if I invest in you enough to tell you about this innermost part of me that means that I have to trust that you are going to take care of that vulnerability. Well my track record with the male friends in my life has been a testimony that these moments aren't held with care.
So maybe I still have more to learn in giving more of myself to other people, but I think that there is time to still grow. I don't feel it necessary to continue to speak my life into moments that no longer define me. I want my life to be about the moments I make now. I get that people want to know what makes me tick, but can't you learn that by my actions right now and not the moments of the past that shaped the person that I am today? And why does it have to be my effort to let you into that space, can't you just ask the questions you are dying to know?
I think that if you want to inquire about the core of me, you have to know what questions to ask and you have to be willing to take care of that space.
Just some thoughts... no music, no image.. I'll come back and speak on this another time too. Just for now contemplating.

Pretty Girl Swag- The new attitude and movement

Hey there.. so for those of you who follow me on FB or Twitter (@njc89) have known that this summer has been all about me embracing what is called " Pretty Girl Swag". Well many of you have been asking what does this mean, and well I am here to tell you.
First let me tell you the origin of where this "movement" comes from. Ciara took on a mixtape version of Soulja Boy's -Pretty Boy Swag. And well I just really liked the concept, "Pretty Girl Swag," here is the unofficial video off of youtube that will give you a chance to at least hear the song and see where I am coming from.



So now you might want to know why I chose this song as my new motto of sorts.
Well first let me tell you that I just turned 25 and in embracing this new age, I have begun to come into my own and really embrace the woman that I want to be. If you have been reading any of the other blogs that I have, you will know that my life is well interesting to say the least. And it is because of my interesting life that I haven't really given time for myself to be me and to enjoy being in my own skin. So part of my journey to 25 was learning to sort of love me. I started talking to a counselor to let go of the things that I didn't know I was allowing to still control my life. I feel much better and clearer, that I am not living my life anymore in response or reaction to those things that triggered huge moments in my life. I didn't realize how much these moments had an impact in my life. My friends will tell you that I am a genuinely happy person and that when they learn about the things that I have been through, they had no idea that that was my life. I have just learned to go through the motions I guess and live my life. So going to a counselor helped me to put into perspective that I do not have to live that life, that I get to be me and move past that life.
So once my mind was cleared of the drama and I could be happy with the future other things came into play. I have been having issues with my weight, I mean I am not overweight, but I am not in my opinion "healthy" and I had for years been trying to adjust my lifestyle to be a little more healthier and fit. This summer I began running, and running and running. And it was the best thing for me. I use running as a way to get closer to God and to just release the stress of my day. There is nothing like running in the early morning with a clear head to have conversations with God and just tell Him how you are doing. I am spiritual if you haven't already learned and this is just one of those ways that I can connect. So in getting healthy I have been in many ways begun to feel much more comfortable about myself and the way I look. I look in the mirror and I don't have anything negative to say about myself anymore. I look in the mirror and the compliments that I have been hearing over the years are the same compliments that I see in myself. Part of getting me right through talking to a counselor also helped me to get me right through my body too.
I call "Pretty Girl Swag" an attitude because I think it's something that starts with you. Ciara says "Everybody pay attention," Like I want the world to know that I exist, I want the impact I have on this world do be a great one and it starts with self and the image I project. So part of PGS is an attitude, it's an image, it's basically me. It's a philosophy that I think if we allow ourselves as women to embrace the self, that we might actually make a difference in the relationships and the messages that we are giving women. And yes I have to realize and come to grips with the fact that I got this philosophy out of a message that might not have been promoting the same image I was, but still.
PGS is about realizing your own strength and power. Like I said, it was one thing for people to tell me all the good they saw in me, without me seeing that good in myself. PGS is about me really seeing the good for myself. So PGS is a lot of learning, growing and finally being happy with and accepting myself.
I call it a movement because I think PGS could be something that all girls and women embrace and define for themselves. It's one thing to find your ground it's another thing to help someone else find theirs.

So here is to all my ladies who are reppin PGS! GET IT! LOVE IT! and LOVE YOU!!

Happy Birthday to an old friend..

... So I have mentioned this friend a few times in other blogs and for now I'd like to name him "Friend X." It was recently his birthday and I decided that given our history and given the fact that I need to let things go that it would be best not to contact him. Which puts me in the worst position because if he wasn't born than I would have this great person in my life. But at the same time this great person in my life needs to learn to value me as a friend too- no phone call on my birthday (only a headache); reaches out when his world seems to be crashing in etc. Not allowing me to have the space I need to get over him and us.
But anyways it doesn't go without saying that I don't think about him, and that I don't think it important to say that I am glad that you are present on this earth and that I am glad to have known you.
So here is my bday message sort of to "Friend X":

Hey there,
It wasn't that I forgot your birthday, it isn't that I will EVER forget your birthday. These things sort of stay with me, and it wasn't out of spite that I didn't call or text, it was purely out of my need to let go of whatever THIS is.
You know for many reasons why I can't or haven't been able to tell you how I truly feel about you because I am just not sure what opening that door would do. I know that you "Think" that you have an idea about how you feel about me, but how do you really know. You and I have had plenty of opportunities over the years to really try and see if we were a good fit and the honest truth is that the only fit that we truly had was one of just "fun." I know the words I want to say to you, but without knowing for sure what that road will bring me I don't know if I can ever or will ever say those words to you.
So I need to let go of the idea of waht could have been between us, unfortunately that might mean that we can't be friends. Or that I have to reject your calls or just not invest in us as friends. Which is tough, because of our unique friendship and my ties to your family. I am afraid that letting go of you might mean me letting go of that realtionship and it's one I don't want to mess up.
It's time for us to both grow up and let go of this fleeting relationship that we have so that we can be the adults and the reliable people that others need us to be. You have a son now, and I am not sure of the status of the relationship that you have with your his mother, but I know that the relationship you need to care about the most and focus on the most is the one with your kid. I don't want to stand in the way of what it means to be a parent. So for your son and your relationship with him I want to give you the space that you deserve to watch him grow and for you to be the best father that you can be, for him.
As for your part, you need to let me let go of this fantasy of the two of us.For both of our sakes. As I said, there has to be a reason we didn't ever get to the "relationship" part. And we need to trust that reason. I think you know that I will always have a place for you in my heart. You will alwasy be the one that got away, and that is something that every other guy in my life will have to compete with,so in that respect you won. So be happy with that, you are it,(something that I probably won't ever tell you personally, but something that needs to be said anyway).
I know that you are going through a crazy time in your life and you need/want the support of everyone you care about and everyone you know who cares about you. I will always be that support, but it has to be from a distance now. I will pray for you, I will care for you, I will think about you for however long that this break must go on, and I will always be a cheerleader for you, but I just can't be THAT Girl for you.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that on this day, your birthday. That the biggest gift I give to you is one of freedom. One to move on and do all the thngs that you are so afraid to do. Be the man that I know I will always hold dear.

And with that I leave you with this: " I like the person you are, but I am in love with the person that you have potential to be."

I wish you all the best.

Love(with every part of me),
Keesha

And because as usual I include songs that sort of speak my mood I wanted to share these two songs that i think sort of emobdy my inner turmoil.
They are both by Trey Songz. The first is called "One Love" it speaks to the heart of the matter and the words I cannot get myself to admit outloud or just to myself, but I know this is what I am feeling. The second video is called "Can't be friends." It's not that I regret the rabbit hole we fell down, but it's that this speaks to the state that I am in now.

"One Love"


"Can't be friends"

A Tale of Two Songs...

Hey Ya'll so you know how the story goes, most of the time my iPod is on shuffle and I hear a song that triggers another memory or just some thoughts that I have on my life and/or a certain part of my life. Well this time the song that triggered my thinking and this blog is a Chris Brown song (what else is new)... On his most recent album- Graffiti Chris Brown has a song titled " Gotta Be Your Man." I had my iPod on shuffle on his music only and this song played and I remembered that on his Exlusive album he had a song titled " I wanna be." There are many differences and similarities to both of these songs and I would like to break them down for you. And for no other reason than that I thought it was interesting that CB went from saying that he " Wanted to be [your man]" to he "Gotta be your man." It sparked this thought of the transition or eveolution between thoughts and between the various versions of self.
So here are the lyrics first to " I wanna be" off of Exclusive

I Wanna Be"

[Intro:]
[Sigh] Look. I know we've been friends for a while now.
But, I just feel like I can confess to you.
It's gonna be hard but.
Alright here it goes...

[Verse 1:]
Imagine that the pillow that you cried on was my chest,
and the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand.
Girl, imagine: if you needed advise about some other guy, I'm the one that comes to mind.
Not tryna hear you tell nobody that I'm just a friend,
just trying to make sure I'm that body that you call your man,
and anytime you need a shoulder -- it's yours, night or day,
but what I'm tryna say is, I wanna be...

[Chorus:]
The last number you call late at night (said I wanna be),
The first one that you dial when you open your eyes.
Wanna be the one you run to,
wanna be the one that ain't gonna hurt you,
I wanna be yeah, I wanna be yeah..
Be the man making your girl jealous,
be the guy shuttin' down all the fellas..
whatever you need, girl, it's all on me:
soldier, your friend or your lover, girl,
I wanna be...

[Verse 2:]
Would it be cool?
Would you mind if I called you my boo,
what if the next whip you was pushin' was the one I bought for you?
Can I be the one that meets your pops and take your mama shoppin', be the only one they like?
Have you thought about it -- wait -- really thought about it?
Maybe you should take some time
call your girls and talk about it, yeah.
'cause I done already made up my mind,
don't need no more time to know if I wanna be with you,
I wanna be...

[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
Put me on your screen saver, all over your myspace and make me one of your top favorites,
that's where I wanna be...
The one you cryin' for (stand up for and fightin' for)
wanna be your good, bad, love, hate girl..

[Chorus]

[x2]
Cross my heart hoped to die, on everything that's good,
I'm gonna do you right, show you right, get this understood.

[Chorus]

Girl I wanna be, I wanna be.... [sigh]
I wanna be, I wanna be...

And for your viewing and Listening pleasure here is a YouTube video to accompany the lyrics....


And here is the I guess remix version, with more determination- in my opinion. I guess CB got a little more spunk. There is more of a necessity involved in this second song than there was with the first one. It is clear that CB did grow up in this album. When "Exclusive" CB talked about how he was on that grown and sexy and how he wasn't a kid anymore. I feel that "Graffiti" and this particular track also show the growth by CB. It hasn't been confirmed but I feel that Justin Bieber is the background singer on this song..

" Gotta be your man"

Gotta be your man. I gotta be your man. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2, I gotta be your maaaaan...

Verse 1
Gotta be your man, one, cause you look so good. Two, cause you look so good. Three, cause you look so good. Next, gotta be your man cause I know you a boss chick. I know that me your top btch. Won't lie, I kinda like it, yea.

Hook
Cause it's so hard to find somebody like you girl. With a face and a booty like you girl. Your qualities are true girl, ooo girl. I promise I wrote this here song for you girl. The words are talkin bout you girl. I ain't lying, this is true girl, ooo girl.

Chorus
Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. I was always in the club, got every chick to give it up, oooh. Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. Before my life is oh so crazy, til I met you, now I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan.

Verse 2
I know you think it's bullsh, what I'm sayin girl, but I'm real with what I'm sayin girl, and I'm not just tryin to get you girl, yea. Cause I could get a lot of chicks, the baddest women on my sh. When it comes to you, I must admit,they aint got ish on you, girl

Hook
Cause it's so hard to find somebody like you girl. With a face and a booty like you girl. Your qualities are true girl, ooo girl. I promise I wrote this here song for you girl. The words are talkin bout you girl. I ain't lying, this is true girl, ooo girl.

Chorus
Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. I was always in the club, got every chick to give it up, oooh. Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. Before my life is oh so crazy, til I met you, now I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan.

Maaaaan, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta be. x2 Maaaaan, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man. I. Oooooh.



Alright, it must be said I do have a soft spot for CB. So there will be many more evaluations of his music in the future.