Dear Y__________,
I just wanted to say thanks for listening and thanks for being patient. I realize that for you this is a really wierd situation. You didn't ask for someone to like you and you didn't probably ask for this situation to get sticky.
I appreciate you wanting to make sure that the two people that you care about in this situation are okay. But you can't be worrying about how my feelings affect my reactions towards her. Yes this sucks. I like a guy who likes someone else. But you know what that is life, and it happens. Am I upset, not really- just a little bummed. Am I going to cry, probably. Am I going to be agitated, yes. But will I get over it, yes with time.
We had a conversation today where I was finally able to voice my frustration with how you were handling this situation. And I am ever so thankful that you just listened. It's going to be slow working out being friends without me wanting more, but you have at least shown me that you truly want to be freinds and I guess that is something to look forward to.
I can't lie by saying that your actions make this much harder to walk away, but I am doing what I know I should do for the betterment of this relationship. And one day maybe I'll finally figure this whole realtionship thing out. But I just hope that whoever catches me, has some qualities that you have... It's funny how there are pieces of people that you want to hold onto throughout your life. Even when the time that that person spent in your life might have been complicated, it's nice to see that in my complication that I am able to see that there are definitely qualities in you that I know I want in my life forever.
But as I was saying before, I wanted to just say "thank you for listening" thank you for not only listening but taking what I have to say to heart and living it. This being, I have a friends going through similar situations and my complications are all internal, where theirs are external and are starting with lack of communication. More importantly I guess thanks for being invested in me as a friend. You have shown me that I'm not the only " nice" person out there.
Here's to another day of healing...
--K
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Letter #2- Actions speak louder than words
Dear Y__________,
This back and forth thing we do makes me wonder if the person you are trying to convince more about your "value" to me is yourself. You tell me that I should set myself up to look at other people and not to focus my energy on you etc. I get that, yes, it would be easier for me to find someone else. But the point is that it doesn't mean that I have addressed these feelings and the truth is I need to leave them behind me. But yet when you tell me that I need to move my sights to something else etc, what I hear you say is " Out of sight, out of mind." Which I interpret as cut you off from the relationship that I have been used to with you and move on to something different, something better. Something more practical and useful for me. But yet you take it as, still be around, still be present still focus on building our friendship- but do you understand that that doesn't help me let go of those emotions and feelings that I have for you.
You get upset that I don't say "Hi" to you when I pass you in the hallway, or that when I see you the way I speak to you is a little "agitated" etc. You get mad at me when I don't look you in the face, or the fact that I don't text you as much, or at all anymore. But yet you get upset, but it is a two-way street. If we are going to work at being friends than we both have to work at what that means. The girl who text you everyday is gone, because those actions were coming from a place of me wanting to get to know you for my own personal benefit, rather than getting to know you as a friend. So what does that say about me?
Ugh and without you really understanding where I am coming from or what these feelings mean for me, I am just lost and confused.
All I can say is "Actions speak louder than words." If you want me to interact with you, I need to know that you are there (for all intensive purposes). Not that you just got bored or had nothing to do so coming to see me became the next best thing.
--K
This back and forth thing we do makes me wonder if the person you are trying to convince more about your "value" to me is yourself. You tell me that I should set myself up to look at other people and not to focus my energy on you etc. I get that, yes, it would be easier for me to find someone else. But the point is that it doesn't mean that I have addressed these feelings and the truth is I need to leave them behind me. But yet when you tell me that I need to move my sights to something else etc, what I hear you say is " Out of sight, out of mind." Which I interpret as cut you off from the relationship that I have been used to with you and move on to something different, something better. Something more practical and useful for me. But yet you take it as, still be around, still be present still focus on building our friendship- but do you understand that that doesn't help me let go of those emotions and feelings that I have for you.
You get upset that I don't say "Hi" to you when I pass you in the hallway, or that when I see you the way I speak to you is a little "agitated" etc. You get mad at me when I don't look you in the face, or the fact that I don't text you as much, or at all anymore. But yet you get upset, but it is a two-way street. If we are going to work at being friends than we both have to work at what that means. The girl who text you everyday is gone, because those actions were coming from a place of me wanting to get to know you for my own personal benefit, rather than getting to know you as a friend. So what does that say about me?
Ugh and without you really understanding where I am coming from or what these feelings mean for me, I am just lost and confused.
All I can say is "Actions speak louder than words." If you want me to interact with you, I need to know that you are there (for all intensive purposes). Not that you just got bored or had nothing to do so coming to see me became the next best thing.
--K
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Letter #1- The things I should really say
Dear Y___________,
I think that I am going to start writing letters to you of the things I should really say to you as a way for me to deal with this.
1) I NEED you to really understand that the feelings I have/had are/were VERY real. I get that you might not understand that, it wasn't like one day I realized that I liked you. But it was over a series of days, weeks and the few months that I realized that I did like you. And now in an effort to stabilize myself from hurting more- I have to pull into myself to heal.
I think you need to know that feelings can run deep and that people, and more importantly, you are worth those investments, to know that someone thought you were worthy of a little care and attention. And yes maybe you are right, maybe you weren't the right person- but I need to be the one who figures that out. I need to the time to be able to be comfortable with the fact that you aren't worth that type of investment anymore. And I sort of have to compartmentalize my interactions with you so that I can compartmentalize and dissolve some of those feelings that I have for you. But I guess the biggest thing is that I need you to acknowledge that these feelings were real for me.
2) Push me into feeling a certain way to make yourself feel better and you are going to make me RESENT you! I cannot explain this enough, I need time. And I get that for you it is weird, not seeing the strong woman that you had originally met being a little more vulnerable. But take me off of whatever pedestal you had me on and realize that I am human. And although I may be handling this particular change in a way that you wouldn't handle it doesn't mean that my way is insufficient or wrong. My way is perfectly normal and I think that I should be applauded in many ways for the way that I handle this. I have a clear ending in sight, but again I just need time. It's not going to take a year, or a month, a week or days.. There is no real formula, it just happens, one day real soon I will just get over it.
But you have to let me have that time to deal with it the way I am and I think you need to accept that maybe just maybe there's going to be a different version of our friendship that we are going to have to deal with. Why because the first version of us as friends was a little bit clouded for me.
3) Speak your thoughts without so much grey area. The underlying messages twist me up. Saying things like " I chose Pennsylvania Ave over New York Ave," has many more meanings than you realize and well it sucks. To also say things like "I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere," IS PURE TORTURE!!! Ugh, you want to know what really happens to a girl trying to move from "I like you mode," to friend mode- EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO IS AGONIZING PAIN AND REHASHING OF THE ISSUES WE ARE TRYING TO LET GO OF. And maybe there is some truth to girls "over analyzing things" but you being nice and wanting to be there and wanting to be friend makes us like those parts of you more. So it's one thing trying to correct the messaging in our heads and other body parts on our own, but then you adding your charismatic self to it makes it that much harder.
And just speaking on behalf of me. I am okay, I am fine with the tears every once in a while. I am okay with not making eye contact with you, I am okay with having a knew jerk reaction to want to run in the other direction every time I see you coming my way. I am completely okay with this part of me, I wish that you would be okay with it too. So back to that RESENT paragraph, you have to be comfortable with seeing this side of me. You said you wanted to get to know me better. You said that you wanted my guard to be down, well you need to know that this aspect of myself is a part of me. It's not just a reaction to this particular situation. This is just me, and I would hope that you would figure out that if you want to know me than you have to take the good, bad and uncomfortable for you.
Lastly, I would hope that you would just talk to me. Stop expecting me to make the first move, if there is something you don't understand- HIT ME UP! Ask the question, and again it's going to take some time. At least respect the value I put into the idea of a possibility. You already cut down my reality so please do not cut down my dream- for lack of a better word.
For now.. Deuces!
K
I think that I am going to start writing letters to you of the things I should really say to you as a way for me to deal with this.
1) I NEED you to really understand that the feelings I have/had are/were VERY real. I get that you might not understand that, it wasn't like one day I realized that I liked you. But it was over a series of days, weeks and the few months that I realized that I did like you. And now in an effort to stabilize myself from hurting more- I have to pull into myself to heal.
I think you need to know that feelings can run deep and that people, and more importantly, you are worth those investments, to know that someone thought you were worthy of a little care and attention. And yes maybe you are right, maybe you weren't the right person- but I need to be the one who figures that out. I need to the time to be able to be comfortable with the fact that you aren't worth that type of investment anymore. And I sort of have to compartmentalize my interactions with you so that I can compartmentalize and dissolve some of those feelings that I have for you. But I guess the biggest thing is that I need you to acknowledge that these feelings were real for me.
2) Push me into feeling a certain way to make yourself feel better and you are going to make me RESENT you! I cannot explain this enough, I need time. And I get that for you it is weird, not seeing the strong woman that you had originally met being a little more vulnerable. But take me off of whatever pedestal you had me on and realize that I am human. And although I may be handling this particular change in a way that you wouldn't handle it doesn't mean that my way is insufficient or wrong. My way is perfectly normal and I think that I should be applauded in many ways for the way that I handle this. I have a clear ending in sight, but again I just need time. It's not going to take a year, or a month, a week or days.. There is no real formula, it just happens, one day real soon I will just get over it.
But you have to let me have that time to deal with it the way I am and I think you need to accept that maybe just maybe there's going to be a different version of our friendship that we are going to have to deal with. Why because the first version of us as friends was a little bit clouded for me.
3) Speak your thoughts without so much grey area. The underlying messages twist me up. Saying things like " I chose Pennsylvania Ave over New York Ave," has many more meanings than you realize and well it sucks. To also say things like "I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere," IS PURE TORTURE!!! Ugh, you want to know what really happens to a girl trying to move from "I like you mode," to friend mode- EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO IS AGONIZING PAIN AND REHASHING OF THE ISSUES WE ARE TRYING TO LET GO OF. And maybe there is some truth to girls "over analyzing things" but you being nice and wanting to be there and wanting to be friend makes us like those parts of you more. So it's one thing trying to correct the messaging in our heads and other body parts on our own, but then you adding your charismatic self to it makes it that much harder.
And just speaking on behalf of me. I am okay, I am fine with the tears every once in a while. I am okay with not making eye contact with you, I am okay with having a knew jerk reaction to want to run in the other direction every time I see you coming my way. I am completely okay with this part of me, I wish that you would be okay with it too. So back to that RESENT paragraph, you have to be comfortable with seeing this side of me. You said you wanted to get to know me better. You said that you wanted my guard to be down, well you need to know that this aspect of myself is a part of me. It's not just a reaction to this particular situation. This is just me, and I would hope that you would figure out that if you want to know me than you have to take the good, bad and uncomfortable for you.
Lastly, I would hope that you would just talk to me. Stop expecting me to make the first move, if there is something you don't understand- HIT ME UP! Ask the question, and again it's going to take some time. At least respect the value I put into the idea of a possibility. You already cut down my reality so please do not cut down my dream- for lack of a better word.
For now.. Deuces!
K
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Taking from Kanye- "Here's a toast to the ..."
So normally I spend my blogs talking about my life through the medium of music. While at times, I know I don't always come right out and say what's going on and this is probably going to be the same sort of deal. But instead of using music as my intro or as my muse, I am going to bring something a little different for ya. Y'all did't know I write poetry. I'm little rusty so don't judge me but here goes nothing:
Sorry is not enough
When the shattered pieces of a broken heart are trying to mend themselves
sometimes sorry is not enough....
Sometimes sorry makes no sense, some times sorry is not enough...
Late at night wiping a shower of tears away from my face, sometimes sorry
is not enough...
Sorry makes YOU feel better, but it doesn't change the pain I'm left
dealing and healing with...
So I'll say thank you for your sorry, but know sometimes sorry is not
enough. That sometimes, SOME TIME IS!
~ DW (Destiny Winters- my poetry name)
_______________________________________________________________________________
A letter to the person this poem was directed at:
I really don't do well talking about this part of myself. The part that is a little bit bruised etc. Especially when I am used to just closing off and putting up a wall and really just saying "Dueces" to it all...
So realize that I completely understand that when you say sorry you mean it. No one really asked for any of this and there are some thngs that you just can't help.
And while I recognize your apology, I need you to also recognize that sometimes sorry is not enough to make everything right again or "normal." Sometimes time is. There are going to be moments when I'm not going to talk or where I get annoyed, upset, whatever. I have to correct the lines of communication between my head and my other nerves. Unfortunately that means that you need to know that although you may want the ole me back, it's going to be a little bit for the rest of me to catch up where my head is. And there are some moments that we share that are going to bring me back to the feelings that I am trying to turn away from. So I need your patience and a little bit of your understanding so that I can get back to building a friendship that we started...
Signed,
a little bit of the woman I used to be, and a little bit of the woman that I am today...
- more to be discovered tomorrow
Sorry is not enough
When the shattered pieces of a broken heart are trying to mend themselves
sometimes sorry is not enough....
Sometimes sorry makes no sense, some times sorry is not enough...
Late at night wiping a shower of tears away from my face, sometimes sorry
is not enough...
Sorry makes YOU feel better, but it doesn't change the pain I'm left
dealing and healing with...
So I'll say thank you for your sorry, but know sometimes sorry is not
enough. That sometimes, SOME TIME IS!
~ DW (Destiny Winters- my poetry name)
_______________________________________________________________________________
A letter to the person this poem was directed at:
I really don't do well talking about this part of myself. The part that is a little bit bruised etc. Especially when I am used to just closing off and putting up a wall and really just saying "Dueces" to it all...
So realize that I completely understand that when you say sorry you mean it. No one really asked for any of this and there are some thngs that you just can't help.
And while I recognize your apology, I need you to also recognize that sometimes sorry is not enough to make everything right again or "normal." Sometimes time is. There are going to be moments when I'm not going to talk or where I get annoyed, upset, whatever. I have to correct the lines of communication between my head and my other nerves. Unfortunately that means that you need to know that although you may want the ole me back, it's going to be a little bit for the rest of me to catch up where my head is. And there are some moments that we share that are going to bring me back to the feelings that I am trying to turn away from. So I need your patience and a little bit of your understanding so that I can get back to building a friendship that we started...
Signed,
a little bit of the woman I used to be, and a little bit of the woman that I am today...
- more to be discovered tomorrow
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Waking up from a dream and realizing it's reality...
... Not so much fun, unless when you wake up you are actually happy with what you see. For me however, not so much and it's my fault.
Instead of facing my issues, I ran from them (because of fear) and now it's too late to actually do anything.. and what sucks more is that I probably ruined a good thing and just made a situation much worse!
This blows, I hate it and now I'm just numb.. But I got to move on, let it go and try to salvage whatever friendship I hope to get out of it.
Sorry for being vague, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.
Song of the moment:
Craig David- Walking Away
Instead of facing my issues, I ran from them (because of fear) and now it's too late to actually do anything.. and what sucks more is that I probably ruined a good thing and just made a situation much worse!
This blows, I hate it and now I'm just numb.. But I got to move on, let it go and try to salvage whatever friendship I hope to get out of it.
Sorry for being vague, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.
Song of the moment:
Craig David- Walking Away
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