... i am a work in progress. That is all that I can say. I am not perfect, I do not strive for perfection, but I do strive to get to know myself a little better. With time I make some mistakes, but I learn from them, hopefully I grow from them and continue to create a better version of me each minute, hour and day.
I am recently going through some drama with a friend. A person that I thought was really a good friend, one that would be there for a while. But when I think more about the friendship I am left with this realization that we didn't really know each other at all. Not that I am a shady person, but I sort of felt that I had to fit within this molded, perfect version of myself to be worthy of her friendship. So there are pieces of my life that I do not tell her or let her really know about.
Furthermore, over the years and as we moved colleges, we grew a part. The things that I used to rely on her for advice turned into these one sided conversations. She wasn't really there to support me when I needed it and unfortunately it took me this long to say that. I don't think anything bad about her, in the time that she's been my friend she's been there when I needed someone to talk to, to laugh with to just have a friend. But the reality is we are two very different people that have been holding on to these two very different images of the other person. I was thinking about it and in the 5 years I have known her we have never had a falling out or conflict, I mean my best friend and I have never had a falling out and I have known her all of my life, but that is a very different story, she is my best friend we grew up together, she is my oldest friend and we are more like sisters than anything else. But the point is, I have known this other friend for almost 5 years. I do not know what makes her angry, I do not know how she deals with that type of anger, I do not know what she gets sad about aside from her need to be in a relationship. But these are all things I would think I would learn over the time of knowing someone. Maybe we were just acquaintances?
But I know I have some wrong in this conflict, obviously something I said made her angry-unfortunately I do not know what that is. And what she doesn't know about me, is that I do not stew on things for too long. Eventually I get passed it and move on, with or without the other person. So while she's waiting to tell me what I did wrong, I am already moving past our friendship. I just do not have the time to invest in something like this if I do not know what the problem was in the first place and waiting two months later for her to tell me is ridiculous. Because for sure in two months my attention span will be on to something else. So what lessons do I learn from this.
I know I am not perfect, I know that I say what I feel and sometimes it is ugly, but what people should realize is that when I was younger I used to be the person who would tell you directly- that what I said to one person be sure the person it was about would know or already did know. But as I have gotten older, I have been more aware of other people's feelings so I have moved from those decisions to using the people in my life to be a sounding board- if I feel this way should I say x,y,z to someone else. If in those moments someone finds out my feelings, it is not something I feel I need to apologize for, it wasn't something that I meant for another person to find out, especially when I find out that I am actually wrong for how I was feeling. For the people in my life, or the ones who choose to be in the future, I think they need to realize and understand that works in progress take time. I cannot to commit to changing if I am unaware of what needs to be changed.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
SO CUTE!! and yes I AM having a girly moment...
When it comes to relationships, I am a work in progress... I don't know how to get into relationships, like the dating game is beyond me.. Once I'm in relationships it gets a little bit easier, but the people I have had relationships with have been friends of mine.. Good friends of mine before I started going out with them. And for a long time, once I got into the relationship it was a matter of weeks before I was ready to call it quits.
On that end, I am not the girly, sentimental person that most people think. But on an emotional level in other areas of my life, I love love. I love sappy commercials, I am a sucker for quotes. I love romantic movies. I guess in some senses people would say I am a hopeless romantic, even though I don't think I want those same things out of my love life.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well I was sitting on my couch watching TV and the following commercial came on
On that end, I am not the girly, sentimental person that most people think. But on an emotional level in other areas of my life, I love love. I love sappy commercials, I am a sucker for quotes. I love romantic movies. I guess in some senses people would say I am a hopeless romantic, even though I don't think I want those same things out of my love life.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well I was sitting on my couch watching TV and the following commercial came on
One! I LOVE Rachel McAdams, 2 I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Channing Tatum and the two of them together in a movie like this is bound to make anyone a little emotional. I feel like Christmas just came all over again seeing the trailer to this film. So for my Valentine's Day, I am treating myself to this film! Yes I will be that one lone ranger on yet another Valentine's Day watching a sappy movie. And who knows maybe in a little over a month I'll have someone to go watch the movie with. Yeah right!!
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies... We have got to be bigger than the drama!
So I think by now y'all know that I LOVE my reality TV. I mean I LOVE my reality TV. I can sit and watch " Keeping up with the Kardashian's," "The Real Housewives" of whatever, "Basketball Wives," and now my new guilty pleasure is "Love & Hip Hop." What is frustrating about watching these shows, is 1- watching the women changing once they get behind the camera for a while and 2- the image that these women are portraying. Aside from a few of the shows, the majority of the shows I watch are about minority women. Already we have a curve we have to overcome. We are women, we are minorities AND with that means these preconceived notions of what we are supposed to be like.
When creating her concept- "Basketball Wives," Shaunie O'Neal said that she wanted a show that would be empowering for women, highlighting what the women she showcased were doing outside of the lives of being an athlete's woman. These women were business savvy, were supposed to be uplifting and somewhat role models for a generation that is tapped out of these positive role models. Some of the vision that she wanted got away from the reality of pop culture. Positivity doesn't sell unfortunately and reality or not, these women want to be on top, so the images we get are strong women, crying over love (not to say that is weak, but when we talk about empowering.. eh), we get women talking down to other women, we get women calling this or that out their names. We have women degrading women more than the guys do and it's frustrating because while it can be entertainment at times, it is so disrespectful and something that as a woman, we hope never happens to us. And that's where the truth lies, what we see on TV is something that we hope doesn't really happen to us, but we keep feeding the same crap because we are watching it all the time.
Why is it okay for women, Black women and Hispanic women to act the way they do on these shows. Why is there always a fight, one girl saying something about a lack of loyalty, and half the time these women don't even understand loyalty themselves, but they want everyone else to be down for them. Some of the things these women go through is a lesson- their ups and downs with love. How they handle it, them getting through the stress of not knowing what will happen. In the case of " Love & Hip Hop," you have a woman like Emily, in love with a guy who is not ready to commit, who won't acknowledge her as his the woman in his life, yet they are "playing" house. You got Chrissy (who despite some of her shortcomings- I'll acknowledge that she goes to blows too quickly) and Jim who have been together for a minute, she says she loves him and wants the next step from him but until recently he hadn't been there yet. It's frustrating because these women can be great examples of the strong women, role models that are missing, doing their own thing. Emily with her fashion line, the other women trying to get their music thing up. But yet they perpetuate these ideals, that they need a man, and that it's them against the world. Sometimes we get moments of these women lifting each other up. The way Chrissy goes hard for Olivia's music ambition. She's always the one singing in the front row, or at a table, so enthusiastic about Olivia's dream. That is powerful, that is the image that we (Black women and minorities) should have promoted. One of true sisterhood, that despite the situations we find ourselves in, we are capable of lifting each other up.
Watching these shows is frustrating, because one it promotes a negative image of the women. I was talking to my boss about these shows and he was saying " What do men think about these women?" Ultimately, these images are what the world sees- "the angry Black woman", " the ghetto woman," women who are loud, always fighting and just not supportive. This is not how we are, so the question is where are our positive images?
And if these examples are all we have, why can't we show the good things that they are doing. Why do we allow society to continue to present the image of us that we do not associate with?
Why is it okay for women, Black women and Hispanic women to act the way they do on these shows. Why is there always a fight, one girl saying something about a lack of loyalty, and half the time these women don't even understand loyalty themselves, but they want everyone else to be down for them. Some of the things these women go through is a lesson- their ups and downs with love. How they handle it, them getting through the stress of not knowing what will happen. In the case of " Love & Hip Hop," you have a woman like Emily, in love with a guy who is not ready to commit, who won't acknowledge her as his the woman in his life, yet they are "playing" house. You got Chrissy (who despite some of her shortcomings- I'll acknowledge that she goes to blows too quickly) and Jim who have been together for a minute, she says she loves him and wants the next step from him but until recently he hadn't been there yet. It's frustrating because these women can be great examples of the strong women, role models that are missing, doing their own thing. Emily with her fashion line, the other women trying to get their music thing up. But yet they perpetuate these ideals, that they need a man, and that it's them against the world. Sometimes we get moments of these women lifting each other up. The way Chrissy goes hard for Olivia's music ambition. She's always the one singing in the front row, or at a table, so enthusiastic about Olivia's dream. That is powerful, that is the image that we (Black women and minorities) should have promoted. One of true sisterhood, that despite the situations we find ourselves in, we are capable of lifting each other up.
Watching these shows is frustrating, because one it promotes a negative image of the women. I was talking to my boss about these shows and he was saying " What do men think about these women?" Ultimately, these images are what the world sees- "the angry Black woman", " the ghetto woman," women who are loud, always fighting and just not supportive. This is not how we are, so the question is where are our positive images?
And if these examples are all we have, why can't we show the good things that they are doing. Why do we allow society to continue to present the image of us that we do not associate with?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I rocked in 2012 and it rocked me back into reality
Hey y'all, I hope that your 2012 has been off to a good start. The ending of 2011 was such an amazing blessing that I was so looking forward to 2012. I had found a Church home, and have been blessed with great and consistent friends who have taught me, laughed with me, cried with me and cherished me over the last few years and more. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with school and while I have fears about the next steps in my life, I am building confidence in the Faith that I will be taken care of.
I spent NYE in New Orleans with a good friend of mine and we had a great time. I made changes in my life, as I prepare for the half marathon I am running I have decided to cut alcohol out of my system. Probably will be for good, but for now the half marathon is what is motivating me to cut it out. I have committed to getting more involved in my Church and have made choices and considerations to the future.
2012 rang in with a bang and then reality hit. I got back to DC and work and school to realize that adversity is my middle name. Faced with a cancellation of my financial aid, not knowing what will happen with my classes, unsure of whether or not I will have a job at the end of the year. Reminded that time waits for no one, understanding that I am 26 and no where closer to the love that I hope to be in. Basically let's just say the first week of 2012 brought back a lot of doubt that I would be able to reach the goals that are right at my finger tips. Furthermore, someone who I thought was a good friend, is now having doubts in our friendship. Angry about things that have not yet been revealed to me and caused me to really wonder about what type of person I am. I know that I have a heart that is open, but when the people who I would least expect to be angry with me, turn against me I wonder what have I done. The truth is, we haven't been the best of friends over the last few years. I mean we talk, but we haven't been close. I think that the recent close proximity of the two of us has been challenging, because we are beginning to see that we are in two different places. I know that for me personally, I need us to work on being better friends, if she even wants to be better friends. I am at a loss to know what I have done to make her angry, because I have never seen this side of her before. But part of me is resistant to wanting to pursue anything else. Partially because I don't know how to move forward. I am hurt that she can not talk to me about it, and instead chooses to ignore me. It's frustrating when I want to work something out, and am not giving the opportunity to do so.
So my church is fasting for 21 days, I think it couldn't come at a better time considering that I am having the best start to 2012 EVER! So through this 21 days of fasting and prayer I am praying for revelations, that I become humble and grow in His Grace. I love the Lord, He has done and continues to do some remarkable things in my life. I can only hope to continue to live on the path He has created for me and for no other reason but for His mercy and grace. The character of my spirit will grow because of how I live my life, the way He lived/s.
Let's just say, there is nothing different in 2012 then 2011 in the fact that there is no rest, I still have to grind for what it is that I want to achieve, but I have a mighty power and strength behind me. A friend in Jesus Christ!
I spent NYE in New Orleans with a good friend of mine and we had a great time. I made changes in my life, as I prepare for the half marathon I am running I have decided to cut alcohol out of my system. Probably will be for good, but for now the half marathon is what is motivating me to cut it out. I have committed to getting more involved in my Church and have made choices and considerations to the future.
2012 rang in with a bang and then reality hit. I got back to DC and work and school to realize that adversity is my middle name. Faced with a cancellation of my financial aid, not knowing what will happen with my classes, unsure of whether or not I will have a job at the end of the year. Reminded that time waits for no one, understanding that I am 26 and no where closer to the love that I hope to be in. Basically let's just say the first week of 2012 brought back a lot of doubt that I would be able to reach the goals that are right at my finger tips. Furthermore, someone who I thought was a good friend, is now having doubts in our friendship. Angry about things that have not yet been revealed to me and caused me to really wonder about what type of person I am. I know that I have a heart that is open, but when the people who I would least expect to be angry with me, turn against me I wonder what have I done. The truth is, we haven't been the best of friends over the last few years. I mean we talk, but we haven't been close. I think that the recent close proximity of the two of us has been challenging, because we are beginning to see that we are in two different places. I know that for me personally, I need us to work on being better friends, if she even wants to be better friends. I am at a loss to know what I have done to make her angry, because I have never seen this side of her before. But part of me is resistant to wanting to pursue anything else. Partially because I don't know how to move forward. I am hurt that she can not talk to me about it, and instead chooses to ignore me. It's frustrating when I want to work something out, and am not giving the opportunity to do so.
So my church is fasting for 21 days, I think it couldn't come at a better time considering that I am having the best start to 2012 EVER! So through this 21 days of fasting and prayer I am praying for revelations, that I become humble and grow in His Grace. I love the Lord, He has done and continues to do some remarkable things in my life. I can only hope to continue to live on the path He has created for me and for no other reason but for His mercy and grace. The character of my spirit will grow because of how I live my life, the way He lived/s.
Let's just say, there is nothing different in 2012 then 2011 in the fact that there is no rest, I still have to grind for what it is that I want to achieve, but I have a mighty power and strength behind me. A friend in Jesus Christ!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
What I have learned from Kim and Kris
Hey y'all so you're probably looking at this and wondering what the heck- This woman that I have been following for a while cannot seriously be about to school me on Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, and well yes, yes I am. Why? Because there is a lot to learn from them.
Allow me to school you for just a second. And I know I do not have a degree in psychology.
I get that people believe the hype- 72 day marriage, celebutante, young b-ball star asking for drama. I'm not saying that I am the best friend that gets it, but I get it. There is a lot to learn from Kim and Kris' relationship whether you believe it or not. There are two sides to every story and luckily the Kardashian brand puts their story in front of the entire world to see. I know that everyone painted Kim to be an attention queen and the tabloids portrayed Kris as the young athlete that didn't know how to keep his wife and settle down etc. And some of these things are true- sorry Kardashian's I love your show, but it's true. Kim's career is important to her, every decision she makes in the spotlight is calculated, she is thinking about her brand and how to propel her to the next level. This is something that she has wanted for a long time and people might not believe that she deserves to be in the spotlight that she is in, but let's face it, she EARNED it. We are hooked, she is on the cover of magazines, in commercials, films. She is talked about all the time and regardless of whether we as a society pay that much attention to her, there is a plethora of people who do.
Kris, he is young, fell in love with an ambitious, older woman who he put a lot of faith in. He comes from a small intimate family, in a small little town that he loves. Grew up in a very different environment and probably with very different ambitions. Maybe not being as involved in the spotlight as much as she is. A little more reserved a little more grounded in the sort of every day average family lifestyle. Not the Hollywood every day in your face spotlight. It was fun being attached to one of the world's "most wanted women" and then to add that he loves her and she loves him, hello!
So now put those two together. They meet, they like each other they start falling in love. And with the accelerated lifestyle that Kim has they rapidly walk down the aisle and now have the pressures of the world to deal with. Watching this season's Kourtney and Kim take New York has opened my eyes to so many things. Kris and Kim are asking all of the questions about their relationship that they should have done BEFORE they got married- where are they going to live, do they want kids, when, what parts of their lifestyle do they both have to change. It's one thing. Compromises have to be made, sacrifices need to as well. For Kris he needs to recognize that the wife he wants, someone who is ambitious but supports the family lifestyle that he is used to is not Kim. He keeps comparing Kim to Khloe and it's causing drama between the two sisters. In Kris' defense he loves the balance that he sees in Khloe and Lamar's relationship and he wants time with his wife. In Kim's defense she is on a rollercoaster ride that isn't slowing down and he doesn't get it- only in my opinion. I think they really come from two different worlds, but they didn't take the time to work out those differences.
Kim's family is like mine, we KNOW practically everything. You don't just marry one of us you marry the entire clan, not that decisions are made with the entire family alone, but there are some of those decisions that have to be made as a couple and I don't think they- Kim and the rest of the Kardashian clan understand that or respect that when another member joins the family.
Ultimately there has to be a person who can really "Keep up" with them. I feel bad for Kris, he is young, was in love and probably way over his head, dealing with the increase of fame he was getting while still wanting his own autonomy. Kim is 30, not that much older in retrospect, but she understands the business aspect of Hollywood, she has built an empire and it is continuing to grow, she essentially is in her prime and there is no chance that she is going to slow down.
So their marriage is over, what do we learn:
1. Communication is key
2. Patience in love, if you are meant to be, you can wait- find out the details of each person
3. DO NOT move in with another family (Kim & Kris moving in with Scott, Kourtney and Mason) not the best move when you are Newlyweds, there is a lot of growth that happens.
I wish them the best in what comes next and I hope they learn from the mistakes of the past and maybe we can take a little bit from them too.
Allow me to school you for just a second. And I know I do not have a degree in psychology.
I get that people believe the hype- 72 day marriage, celebutante, young b-ball star asking for drama. I'm not saying that I am the best friend that gets it, but I get it. There is a lot to learn from Kim and Kris' relationship whether you believe it or not. There are two sides to every story and luckily the Kardashian brand puts their story in front of the entire world to see. I know that everyone painted Kim to be an attention queen and the tabloids portrayed Kris as the young athlete that didn't know how to keep his wife and settle down etc. And some of these things are true- sorry Kardashian's I love your show, but it's true. Kim's career is important to her, every decision she makes in the spotlight is calculated, she is thinking about her brand and how to propel her to the next level. This is something that she has wanted for a long time and people might not believe that she deserves to be in the spotlight that she is in, but let's face it, she EARNED it. We are hooked, she is on the cover of magazines, in commercials, films. She is talked about all the time and regardless of whether we as a society pay that much attention to her, there is a plethora of people who do.
Kris, he is young, fell in love with an ambitious, older woman who he put a lot of faith in. He comes from a small intimate family, in a small little town that he loves. Grew up in a very different environment and probably with very different ambitions. Maybe not being as involved in the spotlight as much as she is. A little more reserved a little more grounded in the sort of every day average family lifestyle. Not the Hollywood every day in your face spotlight. It was fun being attached to one of the world's "most wanted women" and then to add that he loves her and she loves him, hello!
So now put those two together. They meet, they like each other they start falling in love. And with the accelerated lifestyle that Kim has they rapidly walk down the aisle and now have the pressures of the world to deal with. Watching this season's Kourtney and Kim take New York has opened my eyes to so many things. Kris and Kim are asking all of the questions about their relationship that they should have done BEFORE they got married- where are they going to live, do they want kids, when, what parts of their lifestyle do they both have to change. It's one thing. Compromises have to be made, sacrifices need to as well. For Kris he needs to recognize that the wife he wants, someone who is ambitious but supports the family lifestyle that he is used to is not Kim. He keeps comparing Kim to Khloe and it's causing drama between the two sisters. In Kris' defense he loves the balance that he sees in Khloe and Lamar's relationship and he wants time with his wife. In Kim's defense she is on a rollercoaster ride that isn't slowing down and he doesn't get it- only in my opinion. I think they really come from two different worlds, but they didn't take the time to work out those differences.
Kim's family is like mine, we KNOW practically everything. You don't just marry one of us you marry the entire clan, not that decisions are made with the entire family alone, but there are some of those decisions that have to be made as a couple and I don't think they- Kim and the rest of the Kardashian clan understand that or respect that when another member joins the family.
Ultimately there has to be a person who can really "Keep up" with them. I feel bad for Kris, he is young, was in love and probably way over his head, dealing with the increase of fame he was getting while still wanting his own autonomy. Kim is 30, not that much older in retrospect, but she understands the business aspect of Hollywood, she has built an empire and it is continuing to grow, she essentially is in her prime and there is no chance that she is going to slow down.
So their marriage is over, what do we learn:
1. Communication is key
2. Patience in love, if you are meant to be, you can wait- find out the details of each person
3. DO NOT move in with another family (Kim & Kris moving in with Scott, Kourtney and Mason) not the best move when you are Newlyweds, there is a lot of growth that happens.
I wish them the best in what comes next and I hope they learn from the mistakes of the past and maybe we can take a little bit from them too.
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