What I'm Reading: The Sisterhood by Ps. Bobbie Houston

When I was a kid my parents and really, I think more so, my dad, maintained that my love of reading would have some sort of knowledge acquisition element. He probably also stated my love of critical thinking and writing without even knowing it.

When I was a kid every book I read and particularly over the summer was followed by a book report. I loved reading but those of you with a secondary degree, probably have reasoned that reading for fun is something you yearn for, but might not get to accomplish, even as your Amazon wish lists continue to grow.

Over the last few years I've been able to reclaim my joy of reading through a book club with my sister and just finally catching a rhythm in work and life. So I might as well return to the lessons my dad taught me and share what I've learned....

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The Sisterhood By Pastor Bobbie Houston

 I posted some thoughts about  this book on my Instagram (@KJC89) and I wanted to take a moment to expand upon those thoughts. 

Power of Persistent Prayer

I've always been someone who fully believes in the power of PERSISTENT Prayer! 

What I mean by that is, I know the life I am walking in is because of the prayers that have gone before me, the prayers that cover me and sustain me in those ups and downs of life. 

So when I read this book, I am equally blessed and in awe of what God has stirred in the heart of a woman across the world and through her blessed my life and others with her pursuit of what God has envisioned for her, her church and the community she leads. 

When I read the Bible, I am often in search of my journey being reflected in the Bible. I am constantly seeking my heart to be aligned with the wisdom and character of those that have gone before. The great men and women who trusted God in every season and have their names forever marked in history. 

This book for me though captures the stories of those of us whose lives have not and will not be written into this GREAT book. It shows the lives of those of us who continue on. 

There is something about this book and time (literal) time. To read the beginnings of a movement Sisterhood and to be walking in that movement is such a glorious thing. It is awe-inspiring. It is a testament to the GLORY of GOD and all that He has purposed for His children. 

As a leader in my church and as we continue to build up our women's ministry it is a great blessing to have something tangible to reference to know we are not in it alone. And to also pay our respect and honor to a visionary whose obedience and persistent prayer blesses our here and now. It is a tremendous honor to also see in real time, God's blessing. To reflect on Ps. Bobbie's beginnings. Her vision and to see the women added to the narrative she is speaking,  who continue to lead boldly towards that vision. 

She may never know us by name, but in heaven we will get to rejoice with her and thank her for her obedience to God's whisper in her life. To know where we come from to see the foundation she laid, as we stand in the present and the path forward is a beautiful gift in this tapestry of life. 

It's almost as if you could be in place and time reading your grandmother's and mother's journals while raising a child of your own, if that makes any sense--- and funny that this is the visual I get given that I am not yet a mother. 

A Vision and Commissioning

This becomes a little more personal. This book was vision affirming. 

I started 2018 seeking God for vision in my life. You see I have a master's degree and if I am honest with myself, I never gave myself a chance to dream beyond just receiving my master's degree. 

The last few years have been a struggle, I lost myself a bit and I suffered greatly. But I knew that God could redeem and I knew that in order to start dreaming for myself for what my future could hold, I needed to understand what God purposed for me and planned for me. The vision is a little blurry still, in that I am seeing it from a distance so not all of the shapes and colors are clear, but the theme is growing in my heart and for that I am grateful. 

I am seeing my heart burst with joy when I feel like some of what God has purposed for me is being actualized--- particularly in serving Him. So as I read this book I am THANKFUL.

I am THANKFUL because I see a vision that God set in Ps. Bobbie's heart coming true through the experiences that are lived for my church. But I am also THANKFUL because I see myself in the vision and purpose that is displayed as well. 

For a long time I felt that I needed to DO something in order to make a difference in the world around me. And that is true, God doesn't just call us to a life that is saved, He calls us to a life that is purposes a life that is lived in serving Him. 

And also in that, I think some times we short the power of prayer, that because we can't physically or financially meet a need that we can't do anything. I am in a space right now of lacking, it's not deep lack, but I have big dreams, I see things that I desire and know that right now my focus continues to be growing in discipline in being a better steward of my finances, it's taking some time but soon enough I will have it down. However, in that I have realized that prayer doesn't just come in the moments of sorrow, but Prayer--- one of, if not THE most powerful things we can do as Christ-Followers is a BIG thing. 

Prayer, brings heaven down. Prayer sees miracles. Prayer reaches the deepest darkest crevices of the world and a persons heart and let's them know that God is with them even if they don't know it. 

Through this year, my prayer life has opened wider. That bit about Persistent Prayer isn't always just for specific people directly in my life but the thread of stories that are connected--- a Tsunami hitting a community, the recent fires in California. Hearing stories of homelessness and praying for all those impacted. Reading that the temperature is going to below freezing and knowing that there are families living in the streets--- prayer reaches places where my money, my well wishes, my words cannot. 

Character

I don't know Ps. Bobbie in real life, but I feel like I catch a glimpse of her heart when I read her books. 

She spent Chapter Eleven titled "Colorful Threads (The Friendships) and highlighted the women in her life that she is choosing to honor. In reading this chapter I was brought to tears (lately it seems like it doesn't take much--- that is another post), but what struck me is honestly, that someone can take the time to speak honor and respect to and about people for all to see. Currently in this day and time, we are seeing people being cut down left and right and to be able to see a woman honor her dear friends with such colorful and vibrant words is beautiful. 

It also spoke to the character of these women and what I hope might be said or written about me in my future. 

The thing is, what I gather the most from these paragraphs about her friends and also honestly what I am gathering about this life I am leading is that we get to be ALL IN to something that is so much bigger than what we could have ever imagined. 

I said before, we aren't just called to be saved. But we are called to be USED. I pray often, "Lord, use me as your vessel. Give me the eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart that moves for Your Will." A powerful and bold prayer that literally means I have to surrender. I have to quiet the busyness of my life to see and hear God to be obedient to His word. That I get that beyond my own salvation, my life is meant to be a reflection of God for others as well. THAT is a part of my purpose- Glorifying God through my life and actions in how I honor Him. 

If you choose to read this, you will be more than blessed. Let the words of this delightful woman touch your heart. Minister to your broken places, free you and build you up to be used for God's glory. 

I pray that you see yourself in the pages of her vibrant words as I did. I pray that God speaks to you as He spoke to me through these words and that you use this book not merely as a good read, but as something that will continue to build you up and grow you up for more. 

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Ps. Bobbie, thank you for your heart. Thank you for your obedience. Your yes  has and is changing my life. 

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My Recommendation: 

 Read this book! It will certainly open your heart to something BIGGER than you. And it will validate probably the stirrings in your heart of seeking, desiring and wanting more for your life and honestly for wanting more to contribute in the world around you. 

That's all she wrote folks... see you again soon

Do No Harm (Pt. 2)

Hey World,
 Last week I posted what seems to be the beginning of a series Do No Harm. The cliff notes version, but please read when you have a moment, is that we have defaults (borrowed from my friend Jazz) in how we react when faced with certain situations. In this journey of following God some of those defaults are counter to the life and experience that God calls us to.

In my case, I lost a friend unexpectedly and my default reared it's ugly head. It wasn't necessarily that I thought I had move passed them, it was more that I went from 0-60 without even seeing the tells that it was coming. In the aftermath of the event, I woke up broken.

My heart was literally broken. I was sad that in this short but progressive walk that I have been on with Jesus, I have felt like my life was widening so much and that I was finally in a stride with God in a way that I hadn't been in my life before. Part of the heart broken, was definitely about ego. In feeling like I was perfecting.... Whatever that means.

But in honesty part of the heart broken, comes from a message by Ps. Mike Todd of Transformation Church in Oklahoma. Ps. Todd had this series that seriously is life changing called Relationship Goals. In this series he unpacks the different misconceptions that we have about relationships. For the first time I have gotten clarity about how I have entered in relationships and most importantly how I have related to other people and primarily how I have related to others of the opposite sex.

In the last sermon Relationship Goals (Pt. 7): Does Sex Own You?In the sermon before (Sex Container) Ps. Todd talked about the taboo conversation of sex. I think too often in church and in the world in general we avoid the conversation altogether. My parents never actually had the conversation about sex with me, what I learned about sex came from sex education and largely from my friends and pop culture. But I digress.. WATCH IT though it will change your perspective.

Ps. Todd talks about Sex in the context of the "container" that is Marriage. And basically, his sermon rights the perversion that the world has made of sex. He centers sex on the biblical context that sex is defined by God.

Ps. Todd talked about it in the sense that when we sin, we essentially expose a sinless God to our sin. The visual that I get in that is that in my sin, because I know Him, I essentially am putting Jesus up on the cross again for sins that He has already taken from me.

When we think of sex and how the world has perverted it from the true intention that God created it for, we continually put Jesus on the cross. Our culture has essentially minimized sex as a sin, when we don't talk about it with our children. It's not the act of sex itself that is sinful, it's the act of sex outside of the intention it was created that is sinful. Sex was created as marriage between two people. Hence why, it is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with another person. Because in having sex with that person you are marrying them in a spirit sense. Hearing this revelation in Pt. 6 of the series was a powerful moment for me. My past, flooded my memory when I realized the impact of this truth.

So what is the "Do No Harm" in this case?

Again, when it comes to relationships and relating to people through the filter of God, it's remembering that there is one call--- Love your Neighbor. How do I show another person love?

We can't take back the things we have done in the past, but when I think about how I have related to people, especially those of the opposite sex, I have entered those relationships with unhealthy patterns. Ways that have exposed my own insecurities and created a perverse sense of love.

I had a dream once--- it was my wedding night and I was lying on the floor of a bedroom in my wedding dress crying, sobbing, broken. I knew in the dream that my husband was in the space with me, I think he might have been holding me. But I woke up knowing what the dream represented. It represented, recognizing that I had long since given up and was still giving up something that was sacred to that future. It was the reminder that for me Do No Harm, isn't just about what is happening in the moment, it's about what will happen in my future as well. And for the future of others.

In having sex as freely as our culture has created, we create soul ties with other people, because sex in God's idea IS MARRIAGE. So our spirits are tied to each other when we have sex with another person. Probably one of the reasons that I will admit, I have gotten crazy brain a time or two, for someone I know isn't right for me (that is another blog post). So the essentially, I haven't honored my husband in my past, but I can honor him in my present and in my future while I wait for him. Do No Harm means praying for those I have "married" and praying that God's hand is on them and that He breaks the chains that our interaction might have perpetuated. It means that I allow God to also have full control in my world as well.

Do No Harm means am I showing myself love. I was floored by the above revelation because I am about to be 33, and I wish someone in my middle school years had told me this because it would have saved me at least a decade of relearning. I know that our God redeems, but it doesn't take away what I have already lived. Will I allow God to have this part? Do I trust the strength of God to own this part and to still allow my life to be open. You see, we struggle with the surrender. We struggle with thinking about what we are giving up. When it comes to how we engage with sex, we recognize that in surrendering this to God (it is His to begin with) that we are giving up something good. Yes it is good, but we aren't giving up something we are getting something so much bigger. To walk a life that is free from the complexities of soul ties. To walk a life that honors your future--- see I want to be married and that dream reminded me that I am not yet ready to be married, because there are still things that I need and needed God to work on in me.

Let me digress for a minute--- when it came to relationships I was constantly in situations where titles were not on the table. The guys I was dating were not my boyfriends, even though we were in relation with each other for long periods of time (sometimes years). When asked about why I wasn't in a relationship, my answer was always the same "I am too selfish." That is true, I was selfish. I was selfish in not trusting that God would give me a love that He created. I was selfish in not thinking I was deserving of a true love, I was selfish in not allowing my heart to be open to honoring love the way God created it. So it was easy for me to get into toxic and unhealthy relationships, because in my mind they came with less risk. What I mean by that is, the majority of the relationships I was in were with people I knew wouldn't commit to something long-term. So when things fell apart I felt I had more control in not being "broken." That's a joke!

The thing is, Do No Harm in relationships is not just about the other people I am relating to, it's about me and more so it's about whether or not I TRUST GOD with this part.

In this sermon though (Pt. 7), Ps. Todd makes this point that literally floored me and broke my heart. He talks about 2 Corinthians 5:17-18  reminding us that in being a new creation we get both "a spiritual transformation and a BODY transformation."

He made this statement reminding me that God is OMNIPRESENT. If I am going to be truthful I forgot what that meant and maybe you did too. In my world, I understand that God is the Alpha and Omega, I understand that God is all knowing and all seeing, to an extent right? In my world, I recognize that God is with me. But in my world, that with me means when I want Him to be and when I call Him---- THAT IS NOT THE POWER OF OUR GOD. That is not His Omnipresence.

Webster's Dictionary defines Omnipresent as being present everywhere at the same time. 

Well if that's the definition then I have had a wrong view of the Lord. God is present everywhere at the same time. Which means in those moments of me being in my flesh and not acting from His filter HE IS THERE! We don't get to turn Him off or on, like we might have thought we did. We don't get to just assume that because we haven't called Him, He is not EMMANUEL (God With Us). 

1 Corinthians 6:15 Essentially says, Christ is a part of you, every time I act, God is right there with me. 

It was in this piece that those memories that I was recalling above, brought tears to my eyes, when I realized that I have exposed my sinless God, to sin again and again and again. That I have continuously put Him up on the cross for something that He has already had victory over in my life. 

So Do No Harm- when it comes to God:

1. Say Yes to Him and build a relationship with God

2. Pray and continue to engage with God Daily

3. Ask God to reveal those areas of your heart that you haven't turned over to Him and surrender it. Why? It's these areas that we might be too afraid to give to Him, or that we don't yet Trust Him to handle that we are allowing those things to hold us back from what God has called us to. 

  AND, in not having awareness of these things, means we continue to put Jesus on the cross when He has already had the victory. 

Doing No Harm, when it comes to God is walking with the revelation that there is a "we" daily in my life. Me and God. It is the understanding of what "my body is a temple," truly means. It is the reminder that God is Omnipresent. That He doesn't just leave so I can do my transgressions, He is right there with me. 

When I was in High School and struggling with finding a church community, I knew that God was calling on my heart. I would tell people I am spiritual but not religious. I had known of God all of my life, I was raised Catholic, I knew of His power and Glory but what I was missing was a full relationship with Him. In the Catholic experiences I grew up in, navigating a relationship with a Living God wasn't necessarily what we were educated in doing. Yes we were taught to pray, but there were filters in reaching God if that makes sense. Like when you sinned, you confessed to a Pastor, you didn't take it straight to God. 

And I didn't understand how reading your Bible was connecting with God, in the way I do now. 

So in High School I distinctly remember, telling God, that I knew He was wanting my heart and that I wasn't ready to give up being in my rebellious stage yet. I remember clear as day saying in my thoughts to Him, "You can have me in my 20s." And He held me to that promise. In my 20s I walked into a healthy church community and recommitted my life to God. I have been a part of this community for 7 years now and every year God is undoing another pattern of unhealthy thinking,  acting and filters in my life. And one of those is understanding the power of sex and what it means to God. 

While I wish that I had this series in my 20s or even earlier. I am glad this series happened now. Because God's Grace and Mercy go before, behind and in front of me on this walk. And now having these tools, I know how I want to continue to enter into relationships. I know how I want to raise my children, I know how I want to raise the people that I have influence over as well. 

As I said in Pt. 1 of this post, I think this is a work in progress and more is to come. But for now, that's all she wrote folks.... 

Do No Harm (Pt. 1)

(Originally published on 7/24/2018; edited on 7/28/2018)

Hey world,

1 John 4:11-12 says Since God loved us that much, we surely ought to LOVE each other.

A few weeks ago I got some news about the sudden loss of a friend. This news shocked me and I am still trying to figure out how to catch my breath from what feels like a socking and  like the wind has completely been pulled from my sails.

The thing is grief or shocking moments, can cause us to respond in specific ways. Each time we might be faced with the same "attack," our response might be different, it might not always be the same. But, there are times that the way we respond to experiences that happen to us or around us have some tells. There are patterns in how we might respond.

As a Christian, I hold tightly to a scripture in 2 Corinthians that says Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17-18 NIV)

When I said yes, to God and committed my life to His ways, it meant that my old was gone. It meant that the ways in which I viewed the world, responded to the world, reacted towards the world would be different. It certainly didn't mean it would be overnight, but it meant that in time, my way of responding to the world, situations or experiences would be less like me and more like God--- AMEN!

Over the years in my walk, I have watched this progression happen. I have seen God change my heart from the inside out. I have seen the rough parts of my exterior and interior smooth and soften. Things like being quick with a cold or sharp word--- Fighting. Cursing, excessive boozing, drugging--- essentially numbing. Those things over the years have fallen away. But there are times when something I thought was dead, something I thought I had overcome, comes out again and I realize, there is still more work to be done.

This experience happened, in how I responded to the loss of my friend. When I first heard the news I erupted with emotions. I was saddened by the loss. Then that sadness turned to numbing, it happened so quickly I wasn't even aware. See I only gave myself one day to respond. I cried my tears and then I moved through the rest of my life, until it was time to lay this friend to rest. It was in that moment and seeing our friends grieve that how I handled that grief, that pain, was numbing. At the bottom of more drinks than I should have.

With the lubrication of a drink, my response to the people around me wasn't that of a new creation. It was a resurgence of the old me.

You see, as I have matured in Christ, I adopted this philosophy in interacting with people-- Do No Harm. This philosophy is adapted from the medical field. My mom was a surgeon and I was familiar with the oath that medical professionals take when they recite the Hippocratic Oath--- "First, do no harm." What does that mean exactly? For me in my walk and this journey as a Christian, it means the following.

Do No Harm:
1. Saying yes to Jesus
2. Building a relationship with Jesus through: Daily Prayer and Reading the Word

Establishing this foundation is the process of becoming a new creation.  It's in this foundation that we allow God to do the work in our lives and smooth out those rough spots. It's in this that He transforms us from the inside out, that we start to reflect God's response in the world around us.

In this foundation, how we respond to situations, relationships, PEOPLE changes! For me do no harm was/is especially important when it comes to relationships. I have this other thought that "Broken people, continue to harm and break broken people." We live in a broken world and until we say yes to Jesus and allow God to transform us we will continue to respond to those around us from a broken filter. Rather than the filter of Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness that God gives us.

I know in reflecting in my life, that I did harm to many of the relationships I was in, particularly in high school and into my mid 20s. I was rough with people, careless with people in so many ways. Not because I intended to be, but simply because I didn't know any better. I didn't know that how I responded to people was harmful, not just to them but towards myself as well.

As I matured in God, I started to realize my old way of responding to people wasn't helpful. It wasn't encouraging, it wasn't edifying, it wasn't reflecting the presence of God in my life. But God!-- soon enough, focusing on Him, making Him central in my life. Saying yes to Him, building my relationship with Him, allowed my filter of RELATING to People change. Instead of me relating to people out of my "not knowing" I learned a new way of relating to people--- GOD's Way! Amen!

His way of extending forgiveness, Grace, Mercy and love.

So waking up in the aftermath of how I responded to my friend's sudden death, I slipped. I reverted to that old filter. If I can be truthful, it made me feel small. It made me feel like I had failed. It made me feel like I missed the mark-- those things are true.

In this moment of reflecting, I feel like I am not worthy to bear the identity of Christian. Because "First, do no harm." And in my reflection, I have done harm.

How do you recover from that moment?

I think often our first response when we miss our mark is to isolate, to hold ourselves on the mat and keep laying into ourselves about who we think we are instead of who God SAYS we are--FORGIVEN.

I shrunk back, I tiptoed into depression, I wanted to isolate. I wanted to be punished for my actions.
I wanted to wallow in the misery to not allow myself to feel God's love, to not allow God to forgive me because I wasn't ready to forgive myself.

So how do you recover?

1. Remember whose we belong and who we said yes to- God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
2. Pray-- give it up to the Lord. You see, when we become a new creation it didn't mean it would be instantaneous.  Like an onion we have layers and with each peeling of a layer there is something fresh coming forth. But is also means that there is new revelation of an area we might not have been aware of as well.

Pray and say thank you God for revealing another space in which you can turn over to Him and allow Him to work in you.

3. Recall what God says about you- HE LOVES YOU!

I feel like this is a work in progress so for now that's all she wrote folks...

There's a little #Olitz in all of us.. Scandal

Hey Y'all... So let's talk a little bit about Guilty Pleasures.. I LOVE Scandal!!
I mean I LOVE Scandal. I have been watching it since it first aired and every Thursday night, I would sit with my red wine and popcorn and watch it-- Until Season 6, when I stopped briefly. But I have since caught up and finished the series with Season 7... But I digress...

This was my show, you couldn't call me, text me or tweet me during Scandal. There was even one time, my best friend knew that I needed to watch the show and timed it to pick me up so I could help him pack for a trip between a commercial for me to not miss a beat. There was another time that I ended a date early so I could make it back on time. 😆

So I know all of the theories, the comments people made about  the love story that is #Olitz. The frustrations that people had that a woman with the confidence, strength, power and intelligence of Olivia has a weakness and that weakness is love. The frustrations people had that this same woman's weakness was also married.

People often held that as the dark stain on the show, but if we separate the fact that Fitz was married, the reality is we all are #Olitz or have had the potential to have that experience.


I am a Christian, but before I was saved and moreso before I fully understood what it meant to have a relationship with God, relationships were not clean or easy. You see, in the world we don't understand how to truly love people. We live in a fallen world and that translates into relationships as well.

There are things that I know now about how I handled and sometimes still handle relationships that were unhealthy. And not because I intended to hurt someone, or hurt myself, but because I didn't know any better. So when I think about #Olitz I know I am not that different. Two broken people in a fallen world, fell in love. At the heart of it, the tension, the emotion and the drama of their relationship--aside from the infidelity is a reflection of that brokenness. When I rewatch this show, I see glimpses of me. I see moments in how I acted in relationships where I lashed out because loving someone that deeply was just so painful.

I also just think about their back and forth and how they try to walk away but can't. We all have our Fitz or Olivia. In being a Christian, that part comes with now knowing I didn't know how to guard my heart and therefore I allowed myself to let someone else in deep in to a place that should be reserved for my husband and I still navigate the remnants of those past relationships. There are some that will stick with me, some that I continue to pray are finally released. These are known as Soul Ties where literally your soul is tied to someone else. Why, because I gave pieces of myself away to that person, pieces that were reserved for my future. So when I see #Olitz, the yo-yo of their relationship IS a Soul Tie. They are tied to each other and so in that tie, they will make choices that are not the best. They will ultimately destroy each other in many ways because while they might love each other, that love is not contained. It is not harnessed in a way that creates safety so it implodes.

I have certainly had that type of love, or have allowed the thought that that type of love has been in my grasp. And in holding that type of love, I have definitely been in situations where I have been destructive to that type of love.

So we all have a little #Olitz in us. I just also now know that my next relationship will be contained, under the protection of God and there in that space that explosive type of love will not be destructive.

And yes, I own there are a lot of details I am forgiving in this show, but in this go round, all I see is the love. As toxic as the love might be, I am in for the love.

I'll likely come back to this again, because there are definitely layers.

Hello World, I'm still here...

Hello World,
 It has been some time since I have said hello. Since my last publishing, I have been on the search for my voice. It's funny, I didn't really think I lost it, but I was channeling it in a different way. Instead of blogging through here, I was posting on my Instagram (@KJC89). Practicing my voice in this way was challenging, but God has been working through me in a BIG way and I now feel like I am able to navigate both lenses.

So here I am--- the time in between my last post has been challenging, but I have definitely grown in so many facets of my life. I think I am healing the scars of my last relationship and finally breathing again. God challenged me to Let Him be God in my life and I am finally understanding the surrender. I am healthier and all of my fruits are healthier too. I miss my relationship, the laughter, the simplicity in some aspects, but I don't miss the turmoil that was within me. And while I miss the moments of the relationship, I don't miss who I was in the relationship. I wasn't my best and now I am.

With that said, I wanted to talk through this growth that happens within us, that sometimes we are ready for and sometimes we are not. That sometimes we miss because we are so wrapped up in our own thing. In this year I have needed to be more reflective--- who am I and what do I bring to the world. I have been on a search for my purpose and seeking God through that. He has answered in a big way and I finally have developed my mission and vision statements (to be unpacked in a future post). But in this year while there has been growth on one side, I have also seen areas of my life that there was more growing to be had. For instance, in my marketplace. my direct position and the sphere of influence I have had has been a struggle. I haven't been my best in that situation, I haven't reflected the glory of God in that space.

Today I was having dinner with a friend and she said something that woke me up, in speaking about her supervisor she mentioned that her supervisor lacked the ability to inspire confidence  within her team. WOW!

In saying it out loud something within me broke- I struggle with being inspired in my confidence and in turn I also am short in inspiring confidence in my team. There is one aspect of my portfolio that is a new learning for me and in seeking guidance from my supervisor who is knowledgeable and skilled, I am struggling. And in turn, for my team who is also seeking that knowledge and skill, I am lacking in being able to support them.

There is something in naming this and now there is direction in how I gain wisdom to respond. I can't control everything, such as what is being poured over me, but I can control how I influence those around me.

The word of my time right now is INTEGRITY .  I desire to live a life of integrity even in the breaking of relationships. I haven't done that well in the past but I am evermore conscious of it now.

I lost my voice in 2017

Hey Y'all:
 It has been a while since I have written. 2017 was a rough year for me and in reflecting, I lost my voice. I lost that will and desire to be creative in the a place that gives me piece to process the every day instances of this life that I am leading.

So if I can just take a moment to say where I have been in 2017 and where I know I am going:

• I lost a friend, my best friend--- I had a best friend for a significant period of time and that relationship shifted where I became more conscious of how unhealthy that relationship was. I didn't react the way that was repairing of our friendship and like many misses where we allow our flesh to lead us and not our spirit, there will need to be healing and forgiveness on my part to come back from this loss
• So in losing my best friend, I felt super alone and not really sure of my safety nets, if that makes sense. And it's not to say that I do not have people, I have plenty of people, but when you have a void in your life you try to fill it and I was filling my void of missing my friend and not having that friend with despair 
• My job shifted-- I knew it was coming and it shifted into something that I knew was/is challenging. And instead of facing the challenge in the state of grace that I have been blessed with I walked into this challenge in a tantrum-- NO LIE! I walked in ready to fight every day instead of having MY SPIRIT, the spirit of okay, what can I learn from this situation. My job is not perfect and yes, I am desiring to be in a new situation, but I allowed myself to get lost in the deficits that I got lost
• I stopped running
• I stopped working out
• I slept a lot
• I stopped writing
• My mother got sick-- My mother had a series of strokes in 6 months. The major one happened in May and I had to fly out to California. 
• If you have been following my blogs (If I have gotten that deep yet) I have a very tense relationship with my mother
• And I was guided by the obligation of being the "dutiful" daughter to be responsive to my mother's situation
• With her health changing it also meant that I couldn't necessarily keep an arms length distance anymore, it means that there is something tugging at me that says I need to take action. But what it created with this immense fear
• I ended the year in a deep state of depression
• I was paralyzed in many instances to not act and to literally just weep

So you add these few major shifts and I really felt like I was riding out of 2017 literally on the rims. I could not wait to get to 2018. Really I couldn't wait for my job season to end and to have a week break to just be. 

But here I am in 2018 and the circumstances are still the same, in that:

• I still am living a life without my best friend
• My job is still shifted
• My mother is still very sick and much of her healing and well-being is out of my control

But here are the things that are also different in these first 21 days of the new year:

• I lost my best friend and I am learning to be at peace with it and learning to forgive myself for it
• My job shifted and so has my attitude. I know this work is not for me, but while I am in this season, I know that "NO ONE CAN STEAL MY JOY". So I am RECLAIMING MY JOY and walking into my job with an attitude of the faith that I know will get me through
• My mother is still sick, and I am seeing a therapist!

Let's be real, there are so many stigmas about therapy and especially within the Black communities. But I am not naive to know that therapists were gifted these talents to be able to walk out these hard situations in our lives. As a Christian, I know that it is not only the therapist that is at work, but that I am also casting my cares upon the altar of God. These two actions combined are changing me.

The darkness and heaviness that I carried with me towards the end of 2017 is in 2017. I feel better, I feel bolder, that is for sure. And I know that it will require a bit of day by day moments. But can I get a joyful shout that in this day by day moment--- I AM WRITING!!! I am slowly finding my voice again and I hope that she continues to be strengthened each day to come back here and share with y'all "Inside Keesha's World."