How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
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If you had asked me this a year ago, I might have had a better response to give you, but given that I had a friendship that changed my view in the past the way I value friendships today is MUCH different.
My friends often tell me that I am too nice. I go above an beyond the "call of duty" when it comes to my friends. Mainly because due to my tumultuous family background, my friends have often been the only stable group in my life. And being "raised" in California I was largely being raised by my older friends. Working at Chili's over the years provided me with a great base of people to turn to when I need/needed it. One of those friendships was someone I relied on for the better part of my high school career and the first few years of college. He was my first crush and my best friend. I looked to him for guidance in so many areas of my life. Even when we were no longer working together I had his back and I thought he had mine. I don't know what went wrong or if there was anything I did that was wrong. What I do know is that for the last 3 years I have heard nothing from him. Even after reaching out during those times when I thought it best to. But what I learned is that I care too much for people and that most often my above and beyond is not the same that others would even think to do for me.
It's not to say that I have to have a shield around myself in order to test my friendships but I feel that everyone goes through this life searching for someone they can relate to. And the people that I have been most able to relate to even as a kid were guys. So with my old best friend cutting me out of his life with no explanation--it kills me! I hate it and it leaves me frustrated and annoyed about everything. There are moments that I think of him when I have something great I want to share and I remember that he is no longer that person in my life. Even now as I type this the emotion of it all still rushes back to me. I am mixed with both anger and deep sadness because I know that if there was anything I could do to get it back I would. But there is also a part of me who has realized I'm over giving second chances. I don't know the person he is today and to be honest I don't know if I want to know who he is considering that the person he is now is a person who has hurt me more than he will ever know.
To answer the question, was the change gradual or a sudden burst. Well the initial shift in our friendship was a sudden burst, but my accepting that this was where our relationship stood; well that was gradual and something that I still cannot explain or figure out. What I do know is that while I am searching for that "best friend" I am also no longer as shocked by the disappointment of being let down either.
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