But GOD

These two words are probably spoken often and I realize that the message I am about to type isn't for you, but really to minister to me, I just want to acknowledge that there are probably many people who have gone before me who have pondered these two words in the way that I am about to.

.... 

 It seems I started writing this in February of 2018. By the open sentence, it was sparked by a sermon by Ps. Steven Furtick. I am sure it was a great one... And I can't recall off the top of my head what the sermon actually was and what the 2018 version of me was intending to share, but the 2021 version of me has lived a few "But God," moments between these years that I am sure this version of me has no problem filling in the blanks and making something out of the half written start that this blog was. 

BUT GOD are probably the two most powerful words I'll be so honored to keep repeating over my life again and again. It's in these two words that I realize the turn of my life. That in a moment when I thought I was down and out--- BUT GOD. 

That in a moment when I didn't know where my answer was going to come from--- BUT GOD.

That in the midst of a global pandemic where loss is overwhelming and I catch a mustard seed of hope --- BUT GOD. 

I have given up the word "but" in my vocabulary and do my best to replace it with "and." (That's an unwritten sermon for another day 😉) . 

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "but" as a conjunction - used to introduce a statement that adds something to a previous statement and usually contrasts it in some way.  It's the contrast it in some way fa me!  You see, when I think about the previous states of my life, the only contrast I want is the turn around. Where there was a clear shift, a clear change, a clear transition from what was to what is and that can only happen from the strength and power of a BUT GOD. 

I had every reason to give up on life when I was 12 years old, thinking that life had given up on me. Facing some of the toughest challenges I have ever walked out --- BUT GOD.

When things were uncertain and I was running on empty in finances and didn't know if I was going to be able to finish college --- BUT GOD. 

When I have walked with friends and they are believing for their most radical prayer in that season, and they don't know if the answer they get is the one they are believing for --- BUT GOD.

When we have lived through one of the most stressful times of this generation. Seeing an intense volume of loss of life, while losing out in so many things that made us comfortable. To relying on a peace that surpasses all understanding --- BUT GOD.

I want to be ready and open to the more BUT GOD moments that are to come. I want to be mindful to hold place for the "and." In efforts to stay clear of the contrast and hold more firmly to my hope. AMEN!

I'm holding on to the BUT GOD for the things ahead. I am thanking God for the BUT GOD He's walked me through these last few weeks and months. 

I'm Still Here

The title alone is a WORD. I'm still here--- whew. 

 There literally was so much time in between me beginning to pen these words now in 2021 and my last blog post in March 2020. The woman that wrote that blog post in March 2020 had no idea what the journey would look like to get me to today. I know I know, hindsight is 20-20 -- smh. 

Where to start? The quiet pause of my writing happened a while back. And as I sit here reflecting, I wonder if the pause was more self-imposed then the God-imposed status I gave it. Maybe I wasn't ready to fully commit to a process of reflection, because to a degree part of me was lost---YIKES. 

For whatever reason that the pause came, it lasted longer than I wanted it to. And even though I would grace this space with a brief presence, I didn't feel ready to write again. Not to the level that had brought me such peace and joy. 

What I learned about myself between the letters forming together, making words and sentences is that I am a "first-responder." When crisis hits, I am the first one ready to press forward, assess the damage, triage and get to work. I am running in as quickly as I can and barreling through until I see structure restored. 

COVID-19 was no different, I operated in crisis mode for longer than the immediate crisis lasted. I think it's safe to say to some extent I have been operating in a version of crisis mode since I was 12 years old and especially in relationship with my mother, I definitely operate IN CRISIS MODE--- what a revelation in my 36th tour around the sun. 

I feel like, if I recapped the last almost 18 months it would be quite a bit of scrolling and a lot of pages before we got to today so in short I will share some highlights and we will keep it moving:

• There was hope in my last blog post, despite what seemed like chaos in the world around me
• That same hope shattered the day I heard Ahmaud's story  . The pieces were harder to pick up when we learned of Breonna. They broken pieces broke some more when Sean Reed's story glimmered and then there seemed like there was a perpetual brokenness when George cried "Momma."
• As people took to the streets, as it seemed like there was a collective gasp to decry racism and white supremacy, some sense of me seemed to snap back. Candidly a little stretched out and not that same snap that fresh, gently used rubber bands might. 
• I faced some confronting challenges, that made me choose to make decisions that centered me. 
• I faced changes:
• My longest housemate met the love of her life and got married, but it meant I lost a person of stability in my immediate proximity
• After 12 years, a place I was comfortable and had a lot of growth, made deep friendships etc. Ended up being a chapter I would stop penning. 
• I started a new job
• I started an intensive certificate program in the first 6 months of my new role. 
• My community faced losses
• We are still living in a pandemic where there is this tension to cling tightly to a normal that I am tired of
• My mother isn't getting better
• I had a breakdown to finally start walking out much needed healing that I haven't given myself the space to do in who knows how long

And that's where I will start this new chapter of whatever comes of my writing. I had a breakdown and I am healing and I'm still here...