What I'm Reading: Instinct by T.D Jakes

When I was a kid my parents and really, I think more so, my dad, maintained that my love of reading would have some sort of knowledge acquisition element. He probably also stated my love of critical thinking and writing without even knowing it.

When I was a kid every book I read and particularly over the summer was followed by a book report. I loved reading but those of you with a secondary degree, probably have reasoned that reading for fun is something you yearn for, but might not get to accomplish, even as your Amazon wish lists continue to grow.

Over the last few years I've been able to reclaim my joy of reading through a book club with my sister and just finally catching a rhythm in work and life. So I might as well return to the lessons my dad taught me and share what I've learned....

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Instinct by T.D. Jakes

There are things I believe, that a person will hold on to until they are actually ready to understand the message. Instinct is one of those treasures for me. I've had the book since it first came out. I actually think I was one of the first individuals to receive a copy. I received it as a Klout Perk (social media lovers will know what Klout is). But when I received it, I wasn't "ready to understand it's message." The book sat on my shelf for several years. To the point that when I finally read the book, I FINALLY noticed that it was signed by T.D Jakes! 

I decided to pick up the book when I started to feel like I needed some direction in my professional career. Here I was at a cross roads, the department I was a part of was shifting dramatically and there were, in the midst of it, many questions about whether or not I was meant to be there, if I was meant to even continue in that role. Right now, I still don't have the answer per say-- I don't know if I am too afraid of my own success to actually fly free and move on to something different, but that would be a different kind of post and not a reflection of the book. 

Here's what I will share with you, this book is about discovering your innate talents and seeing the ways that they can flourish and develop and manifest greatness in all facets of your life. It isn't going to give you the formulas to understand your natural instincts and ultimately understanding your purpose or passion. But what it will do is unlock the questions you should be asking yourself to learn what your purpose is, how to tune into your passions and how to take the talent inside of you to make the best of this life that you are leading.

This book came at the right time, when I was finally ready to ask those questions, to seek some truth in the things that I could already see aligning in my life. It takes courage to take a deeper look at yourself and really see that you are worth it,. No matter what you are facing and what challenges lie ahead, you have what it takes, you just have to be willing to unearth it.

While, I know I still have some details to continue to unleash, I know that this book helped me to dig a little deeper into what I have been just merely scratching and I know it will do the same for you, you have to just be ready to hear the message ;)

Untitled.... love

Hello world, it's been a while since I got deep in my emotions in this space. I actually separate my posts about relationships into a private blog, but I needed to not hide from the things I am about to share.

I fell in love and for the most part it was amazing. Especially when you think about all that it took to get me there. And honestly, all that it took to get him there too. We were not perfect and that's not what I was seeking. There were challenges and lots of tears. But when it was the two of us, linked in, connected, it was just this perfect simple place. Wrapped in each other, like our tangled limbs when we slept.

I miss the simplicity of love, I miss just knowing that a glance, a smile, a hug came with so much comfort and peace. But in honesty, those moments were few and far between. Love, relationships is consistency and I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I felt like I was working HARD and often alone to build a structure around a relationship.

There are many things I could say, many things that I could say to rationalize the human logic around relationships, but this post isn't about that.

As you might know, and maybe I need to do a little bit more posting on this, I am a Christian. And my walk has been colorful to say the least. This last year or so, I have been on fire for the lord. My heart ended up traveling oversees and for 6 months I had to learn to put my energy into some other place and not into the relationship I had been pushing for, for now 3 1/2 years. And in that, I found the stability of God. Which comes with so many more details, make God the Center of your Life because HE is the center of it all. When your eyes are focused on anything but God everything else becomes so complicated. Aligning with the Will of God is the simplest way to live your life. It doesn't mean it won't be challenging, because your battle every day ends up being with the world that man created and trying to flip the world's understanding to align more with God.

Anyway, if you have been graced by the love of God you know that you don't have control of the speed in which He grabs hold of those heart issues and goes to work. And there are things in our walk that we will try to keep a hold of and my imperfect, but simple and perfect man love, was one of those things that I wanted to keep hold of. I wanted to take it along in my new life.

But when you live in Christ, the old things fall away. And unfortunately, making my relationship and my heart in a place ahead of God, was one of the old things that needed to fall away. And God's timing it is PERFECT, isn't it. Two days before my heart was to return, two days before I could go back to that simple place, wrapped in each other--- the Lord gave me a word. Leave Him Alone, Let me be God in both of your lives.  I don't think if you have never heard the REAL voice of the Lord that you will understand what this meant to me. You see, I know I have been in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I know that I have been comforted by his everlasting peace. But hearing the VOICE of God has been something that I have only prayed for. That my relationship with God would deepen so incredibly that I would know the voice of the Lord when He spoke. And this day, two days before my heart returned to me, the Lord gave me my prayer and I heard His voice. And when you hear the voice of God, you know it. And when you hear the voice of God you obey it. As painful as you know it is going to be, you do.

So the first round of emotion was so hard, because I wrestled with God-- do I have to? Why? What will happen? But I begrudgingly obeyed. And in this space, I gained some peace, that what God was meaning to do would work together for my good. That what God has His hand in, is for our good. Not to destroy us, but to build us up and to set us up for something bigger. So while it hurt, I had peace.

But then recently  came the second round of emotion, when my heart, after a few weeks of silence, caught on that things were not going to return to our simple love. And here I am broken more than ever, because he is my heart, no matter how imperfect our love was. He has my heart and I can't think of any other human who will capture it the way he had. And it kills me because, in all of our challenges, the biggest one was pushing him so far, that he would hate me. And here I sit, probably the most hated person second to one other in his life and there is nothing I can do about it--- but pray.

Pray that we are both healed and comforted by the grace and wisdom of God's love. I pray that someday we might be returned to each other. Maybe not in the same fashion, but at least with understanding of what we went through together. I pray for him the most, because my biggest fear is that the man I know he is going to be, might be more delayed because of this. But, I have to trust in God's perfect timing, even though I may not understand the reasons, I trust in the love of the Lord, because I have been saved by His Grace and His Love in my life.

So there, unfiltered, raw, my heart open, very broken, but knowing it is in the hands of the Lord to heal.