I think as someone more feminine we have tendencies to over dramatize certain situations. Particularly matters of the heart, we get so caught up in the "feeling" that we don't really see what's happening in front of us.
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
No comments:
Post a Comment