#1

I've decided I will write to you so that one day you can see that through all these years it HAS been you.
I saw a quote today that made me think of you: Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about...
You doubt that I could ever have feelings for you, saying things like I deserve better and that I am too good for a guy like you. I wish you would realize your own self worth and also know that I've known you for a long time and this 'woah is me' 'pity me' stuff does not fly with me. I have also learned that in all these years through all of your flings-- for some reason you come back to me. I can't explain it and it has always scared me. Considering what we've been through over the years and the fact that we have never once really even given an "us" a shot. I mean let's be honest, I did have a crush on you when you first started working at Chili's with me, but then that date we had that ended in us missing our movie twice, I mean your reaction totally made me decide it wasn't worth it.
And how we sort of just fell into each other whenever the time permitted, baseball games, parties, random nights at your place. Or actually setting it up, like that night you came to visit me at work. I still don't know how that happened-- so random that you text and then showed up. Or Vegas. Ugh there was always something fun and exciting about sneaking around though- Of course only when you were single. I guess I wonder why you never thought to ask me.
Why do you wait until you have been drinking and until it is the most inopportune time to do so, to tell me your feelings/ Why do you for some reason, no matter how much time is spent between us do you come back to me, turn to me? And why do I still hold on to that night I left Cali, the night you said to me " I never thought you'd be the one to leave." Why is it that I am the one you think about before you go to sleep when we haven't ever really had much of a REALationship?
To be honest, I'm tired of asking these questions in my head. I sort of just want to live in these moments where I do fall for you. It's like I fall for you everytime I get that 4am phone call. You pull me right back into it again. But I'd like to actually FEEL IT, and for once be able to see what is on the other side of the door-- that we both are too scared to walk through.