Dig Deeper...

...I have a new friend who says that I don't give him more of the depth that he expects to find in friends. This is very interesting for me considering that I feel that I give a lot of myself in friendships and I feel that there are just some parts of my life that to say outloud is awkward. I know my life, I have expressed some of this life throughout my blogs, but to come out and "tell" my story to someone "outloud" is a very sacred thing. If that means anything, I mean if I invest in you enough to tell you about this innermost part of me that means that I have to trust that you are going to take care of that vulnerability. Well my track record with the male friends in my life has been a testimony that these moments aren't held with care.
So maybe I still have more to learn in giving more of myself to other people, but I think that there is time to still grow. I don't feel it necessary to continue to speak my life into moments that no longer define me. I want my life to be about the moments I make now. I get that people want to know what makes me tick, but can't you learn that by my actions right now and not the moments of the past that shaped the person that I am today? And why does it have to be my effort to let you into that space, can't you just ask the questions you are dying to know?
I think that if you want to inquire about the core of me, you have to know what questions to ask and you have to be willing to take care of that space.
Just some thoughts... no music, no image.. I'll come back and speak on this another time too. Just for now contemplating.

Pretty Girl Swag- The new attitude and movement

Hey there.. so for those of you who follow me on FB or Twitter (@njc89) have known that this summer has been all about me embracing what is called " Pretty Girl Swag". Well many of you have been asking what does this mean, and well I am here to tell you.
First let me tell you the origin of where this "movement" comes from. Ciara took on a mixtape version of Soulja Boy's -Pretty Boy Swag. And well I just really liked the concept, "Pretty Girl Swag," here is the unofficial video off of youtube that will give you a chance to at least hear the song and see where I am coming from.



So now you might want to know why I chose this song as my new motto of sorts.
Well first let me tell you that I just turned 25 and in embracing this new age, I have begun to come into my own and really embrace the woman that I want to be. If you have been reading any of the other blogs that I have, you will know that my life is well interesting to say the least. And it is because of my interesting life that I haven't really given time for myself to be me and to enjoy being in my own skin. So part of my journey to 25 was learning to sort of love me. I started talking to a counselor to let go of the things that I didn't know I was allowing to still control my life. I feel much better and clearer, that I am not living my life anymore in response or reaction to those things that triggered huge moments in my life. I didn't realize how much these moments had an impact in my life. My friends will tell you that I am a genuinely happy person and that when they learn about the things that I have been through, they had no idea that that was my life. I have just learned to go through the motions I guess and live my life. So going to a counselor helped me to put into perspective that I do not have to live that life, that I get to be me and move past that life.
So once my mind was cleared of the drama and I could be happy with the future other things came into play. I have been having issues with my weight, I mean I am not overweight, but I am not in my opinion "healthy" and I had for years been trying to adjust my lifestyle to be a little more healthier and fit. This summer I began running, and running and running. And it was the best thing for me. I use running as a way to get closer to God and to just release the stress of my day. There is nothing like running in the early morning with a clear head to have conversations with God and just tell Him how you are doing. I am spiritual if you haven't already learned and this is just one of those ways that I can connect. So in getting healthy I have been in many ways begun to feel much more comfortable about myself and the way I look. I look in the mirror and I don't have anything negative to say about myself anymore. I look in the mirror and the compliments that I have been hearing over the years are the same compliments that I see in myself. Part of getting me right through talking to a counselor also helped me to get me right through my body too.
I call "Pretty Girl Swag" an attitude because I think it's something that starts with you. Ciara says "Everybody pay attention," Like I want the world to know that I exist, I want the impact I have on this world do be a great one and it starts with self and the image I project. So part of PGS is an attitude, it's an image, it's basically me. It's a philosophy that I think if we allow ourselves as women to embrace the self, that we might actually make a difference in the relationships and the messages that we are giving women. And yes I have to realize and come to grips with the fact that I got this philosophy out of a message that might not have been promoting the same image I was, but still.
PGS is about realizing your own strength and power. Like I said, it was one thing for people to tell me all the good they saw in me, without me seeing that good in myself. PGS is about me really seeing the good for myself. So PGS is a lot of learning, growing and finally being happy with and accepting myself.
I call it a movement because I think PGS could be something that all girls and women embrace and define for themselves. It's one thing to find your ground it's another thing to help someone else find theirs.

So here is to all my ladies who are reppin PGS! GET IT! LOVE IT! and LOVE YOU!!

Happy Birthday to an old friend..

... So I have mentioned this friend a few times in other blogs and for now I'd like to name him "Friend X." It was recently his birthday and I decided that given our history and given the fact that I need to let things go that it would be best not to contact him. Which puts me in the worst position because if he wasn't born than I would have this great person in my life. But at the same time this great person in my life needs to learn to value me as a friend too- no phone call on my birthday (only a headache); reaches out when his world seems to be crashing in etc. Not allowing me to have the space I need to get over him and us.
But anyways it doesn't go without saying that I don't think about him, and that I don't think it important to say that I am glad that you are present on this earth and that I am glad to have known you.
So here is my bday message sort of to "Friend X":

Hey there,
It wasn't that I forgot your birthday, it isn't that I will EVER forget your birthday. These things sort of stay with me, and it wasn't out of spite that I didn't call or text, it was purely out of my need to let go of whatever THIS is.
You know for many reasons why I can't or haven't been able to tell you how I truly feel about you because I am just not sure what opening that door would do. I know that you "Think" that you have an idea about how you feel about me, but how do you really know. You and I have had plenty of opportunities over the years to really try and see if we were a good fit and the honest truth is that the only fit that we truly had was one of just "fun." I know the words I want to say to you, but without knowing for sure what that road will bring me I don't know if I can ever or will ever say those words to you.
So I need to let go of the idea of waht could have been between us, unfortunately that might mean that we can't be friends. Or that I have to reject your calls or just not invest in us as friends. Which is tough, because of our unique friendship and my ties to your family. I am afraid that letting go of you might mean me letting go of that realtionship and it's one I don't want to mess up.
It's time for us to both grow up and let go of this fleeting relationship that we have so that we can be the adults and the reliable people that others need us to be. You have a son now, and I am not sure of the status of the relationship that you have with your his mother, but I know that the relationship you need to care about the most and focus on the most is the one with your kid. I don't want to stand in the way of what it means to be a parent. So for your son and your relationship with him I want to give you the space that you deserve to watch him grow and for you to be the best father that you can be, for him.
As for your part, you need to let me let go of this fantasy of the two of us.For both of our sakes. As I said, there has to be a reason we didn't ever get to the "relationship" part. And we need to trust that reason. I think you know that I will always have a place for you in my heart. You will alwasy be the one that got away, and that is something that every other guy in my life will have to compete with,so in that respect you won. So be happy with that, you are it,(something that I probably won't ever tell you personally, but something that needs to be said anyway).
I know that you are going through a crazy time in your life and you need/want the support of everyone you care about and everyone you know who cares about you. I will always be that support, but it has to be from a distance now. I will pray for you, I will care for you, I will think about you for however long that this break must go on, and I will always be a cheerleader for you, but I just can't be THAT Girl for you.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that on this day, your birthday. That the biggest gift I give to you is one of freedom. One to move on and do all the thngs that you are so afraid to do. Be the man that I know I will always hold dear.

And with that I leave you with this: " I like the person you are, but I am in love with the person that you have potential to be."

I wish you all the best.

Love(with every part of me),
Keesha

And because as usual I include songs that sort of speak my mood I wanted to share these two songs that i think sort of emobdy my inner turmoil.
They are both by Trey Songz. The first is called "One Love" it speaks to the heart of the matter and the words I cannot get myself to admit outloud or just to myself, but I know this is what I am feeling. The second video is called "Can't be friends." It's not that I regret the rabbit hole we fell down, but it's that this speaks to the state that I am in now.

"One Love"


"Can't be friends"

A Tale of Two Songs...

Hey Ya'll so you know how the story goes, most of the time my iPod is on shuffle and I hear a song that triggers another memory or just some thoughts that I have on my life and/or a certain part of my life. Well this time the song that triggered my thinking and this blog is a Chris Brown song (what else is new)... On his most recent album- Graffiti Chris Brown has a song titled " Gotta Be Your Man." I had my iPod on shuffle on his music only and this song played and I remembered that on his Exlusive album he had a song titled " I wanna be." There are many differences and similarities to both of these songs and I would like to break them down for you. And for no other reason than that I thought it was interesting that CB went from saying that he " Wanted to be [your man]" to he "Gotta be your man." It sparked this thought of the transition or eveolution between thoughts and between the various versions of self.
So here are the lyrics first to " I wanna be" off of Exclusive

I Wanna Be"

[Intro:]
[Sigh] Look. I know we've been friends for a while now.
But, I just feel like I can confess to you.
It's gonna be hard but.
Alright here it goes...

[Verse 1:]
Imagine that the pillow that you cried on was my chest,
and the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand.
Girl, imagine: if you needed advise about some other guy, I'm the one that comes to mind.
Not tryna hear you tell nobody that I'm just a friend,
just trying to make sure I'm that body that you call your man,
and anytime you need a shoulder -- it's yours, night or day,
but what I'm tryna say is, I wanna be...

[Chorus:]
The last number you call late at night (said I wanna be),
The first one that you dial when you open your eyes.
Wanna be the one you run to,
wanna be the one that ain't gonna hurt you,
I wanna be yeah, I wanna be yeah..
Be the man making your girl jealous,
be the guy shuttin' down all the fellas..
whatever you need, girl, it's all on me:
soldier, your friend or your lover, girl,
I wanna be...

[Verse 2:]
Would it be cool?
Would you mind if I called you my boo,
what if the next whip you was pushin' was the one I bought for you?
Can I be the one that meets your pops and take your mama shoppin', be the only one they like?
Have you thought about it -- wait -- really thought about it?
Maybe you should take some time
call your girls and talk about it, yeah.
'cause I done already made up my mind,
don't need no more time to know if I wanna be with you,
I wanna be...

[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
Put me on your screen saver, all over your myspace and make me one of your top favorites,
that's where I wanna be...
The one you cryin' for (stand up for and fightin' for)
wanna be your good, bad, love, hate girl..

[Chorus]

[x2]
Cross my heart hoped to die, on everything that's good,
I'm gonna do you right, show you right, get this understood.

[Chorus]

Girl I wanna be, I wanna be.... [sigh]
I wanna be, I wanna be...

And for your viewing and Listening pleasure here is a YouTube video to accompany the lyrics....


And here is the I guess remix version, with more determination- in my opinion. I guess CB got a little more spunk. There is more of a necessity involved in this second song than there was with the first one. It is clear that CB did grow up in this album. When "Exclusive" CB talked about how he was on that grown and sexy and how he wasn't a kid anymore. I feel that "Graffiti" and this particular track also show the growth by CB. It hasn't been confirmed but I feel that Justin Bieber is the background singer on this song..

" Gotta be your man"

Gotta be your man. I gotta be your man. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2, I gotta be your maaaaan...

Verse 1
Gotta be your man, one, cause you look so good. Two, cause you look so good. Three, cause you look so good. Next, gotta be your man cause I know you a boss chick. I know that me your top btch. Won't lie, I kinda like it, yea.

Hook
Cause it's so hard to find somebody like you girl. With a face and a booty like you girl. Your qualities are true girl, ooo girl. I promise I wrote this here song for you girl. The words are talkin bout you girl. I ain't lying, this is true girl, ooo girl.

Chorus
Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. I was always in the club, got every chick to give it up, oooh. Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. Before my life is oh so crazy, til I met you, now I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan.

Verse 2
I know you think it's bullsh, what I'm sayin girl, but I'm real with what I'm sayin girl, and I'm not just tryin to get you girl, yea. Cause I could get a lot of chicks, the baddest women on my sh. When it comes to you, I must admit,they aint got ish on you, girl

Hook
Cause it's so hard to find somebody like you girl. With a face and a booty like you girl. Your qualities are true girl, ooo girl. I promise I wrote this here song for you girl. The words are talkin bout you girl. I ain't lying, this is true girl, ooo girl.

Chorus
Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. I was always in the club, got every chick to give it up, oooh. Before, oh, oh, oh, you girl, you girl. Before my life is oh so crazy, til I met you, now I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan, man. I gotta be your man x2. I gotta be your maaaaan.

Maaaaan, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta be. x2 Maaaaan, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta be your man. I gotta be your man. I. Oooooh.



Alright, it must be said I do have a soft spot for CB. So there will be many more evaluations of his music in the future.

The Perfect Love Song..

So there is this AMAZING song out on the airwaves now, and I just have to say that it is the PERFECT love song and just the perfect song for me right now.
It's by rising artist Bruno Mars and it's called "Just the Way You Are." Before I give you the lyrics and the song I want to just preface somethings. So first, I am a HUGE Justin Bieber fan.. I am not a closet, I really love his music and like Kim Kardashian said, "he has a little swag about him." His "Somebody to Love" is my newest anthem, and what I thought was a perfect display of love. But it has been uprooted, and this is not a bad thing, by Bruno's song. I don't know if I have mentioned this, or maybe I have in different ways. But I have sort of come full circle in my life as far as finally seeing the beauty in myself that other people have said they've always seen. I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am truly happy being me. So this song not only speaks to the kindest words and the purest love that anyone can hope for, but it also speaks to the one love that you must always have, and that's love of yourself.
Second, this song transends so many other "love"styles! I mean it can speak to any relationship no matter who is involved, what do I mean, it's a perfect love song for two people who are in love, it speaks to what people want to hear about everyday- that someone out there gets them and cares about them and, wait for it LOVES THEM!!!
Now taking this from the perspective of someone who would be in a heterosexual relationship(because this is my "love"style, I think this is the perfect song for me being a female, to have written. I think Bruno Mars gave me and probably everyone else who listens to this the perfect song to make us feel good, and he gave those that we are in relationships the perfect song to express all of our love through.
With that said, I want to share with you the song that puts a smile on my face and the song that I will never get tired of, and the song that sadly I think will knock Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the way you lie" out of it's number 1 spot!



Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day


Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
*** The bold is probably my favorite verse in this track, even though I love it all!!!
And now for the video..



So to all those reading this blog: You don't have to search far or wide to find this perfect love, you only need to start with yourself and grow in your own skin. And for those of you who have that special someone in your life, cherish that moment and let them know how you care about them. It could be as simple as just playing this song and telling them you love them. But just say it, love can be fleeting, you need to do what you can to preserve it when you have it.. #justsaying

25 is the new 21!!

So if you don't know, I just celebrated a FABULOUS birthday. I am 25 years old and I am FINALLY in a place in my life where I can see so many of my dreams coming true. I feel more comfortable, confident and just plain HAPPY to be me right now.
Over the last few days I have been thinking about some things I want to do in this new year. So I guess given that I am 25 I will make a list of 25 things I hope to accomplish in this next year of my life. Here goes nothing:

Academic:
1. Stay Current (Political Science is my passion, so I need to stay current in order to keep this passion strong)

2. Build Relationships with Grad Professors and students (I am finding that I still have one foot caught in the UnderGraduate door and I need to branch out and sort of move on. It's not bad thing, but I do need to make more of a concious effort to make changes)

3. 4.0 (I want a 4.0 this semester. So I am going to bust my butt to get it)

4. Network (I am in the last stages of my college career, this is an opportunity for me to make the best of the relationships that I have and will have especially when it comes to my profession)

5. Read more (I love to read, and I haven't been on top of my game as much as I need to be, so I want to read more and I have a HUGE book list and I will get through it)

People Relationships:
1. Date (I am FINALLY in a place that I am comfortable with me, which means that I am ready to put me out there so here is to jumping into the dating pool)
*** If I was to go on a date here are my ideas
- RockClimbing
- Picnic on the National Mall and the day in the Botanical Garden
- Ice Skating at the National Art Gallery and Sculpture Gardens
- BTWs what happened to a nice home cooked meal, a movie and wine? (that would be a great date)

2. Foster Identities of the people I encounter (okay so like I mentioned in the previous goal, I am finally comfortable with myself, so I want to pass on the tools that helped me get to where I am. The tools I used to help me get rid of the insecurities I used to hold on to, etc.)

3.Family Relationships (I think it's straight forward, but my family relationships, especially with my mother are not as strong as I want them to be. I think the point is that instead of pushing them away completely, I need to be open to the expereince. Our time on this earth is short- I don't want to waste it angry)

4. Strengthen Friendships (I have lived far enough away from my friends who are practicaly my family. I have been there for their babies births and in spirit at Weddings. I just know that as I get older time gets longer and well I need to make a better effort to keep in touch with people while I build these new relationships as well)

5. My personal growth and development as an individual and how I see myself and my relationship wtih God

Health
1. Get through 60 days of Insanity
2.Run 8 miles
3. I want a 4 Pack by the end of the year (NO JOKE)
4. Better Healthy eating habits
5. Incorporate Strength Training

Travel
- Haiti
- New Orleans (So the plan was that I was going to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, my first Mardi Gras now that I am an adult. Well due to a change in my Haiti Schedule I will be going to New Orleans later in the year)
- Miami
- Begin planning my trip across the country (I have travled to all but 3 states. But this all happened when I was much younger, so I would like to revist many of the places that I have been before with the hopes that I can relive some of these experiences. The goal is to do this before I am 30)

* And the biggest goal I have for the year is to budget. This summer I got myself into quite a pickle financially and now I am doing what I can to recover, but I need to do better. Once I get over this "hump" than I will be well on my way to the financial stability that I can enjoy.
But for now it's time to suck it up and do what I can to not have these issues again. Which means sadly, that Keesha will not be going out for a while.

Funny how some simple words...

....thrust a person into both deep thought and deep confusion. I just had a conversation with a blast from my past. A person who surprises me more than even he will know. The sad thing is tomorrow I doubt he'll even remember the conversation we had or the promises he made. So in this moment, I just sit here contemplating what happened and shake my head and listen to music that only seems to speak to me in these moments, knowing that even for me tomorrow will bring a different experience and a different moment, and this particular moment in my life will just be another memory I put away with all of the other dreams and small investments into this friendship while I anticipate this next blast from the past...
So with that here is the song of the moment. Dave Matthews Band- "Say Goodbye"..


So here we are tonight
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What's on my mind
You've got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
Up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make
Our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
But tonight let's be lovers,
We kiss and sweat
We'll turn this better thing
To the best
Of all we can offer, Just a rogue kiss
Tangled tongues and lips,
See me this way
I'm turning and turning for you
Girl just tonight

Float away here with me
An evening just wait and see
But tomorrow go back to your man
I'm back to my world
And we're back to being friends
Wait and see me,
Tonight let's do this thing
All we are is wasting hours until the sun comes up it's all ours
On our way here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
Tonight let's be lovers, say you will
And hear me call, soft-spoken whispering love
A thing or two I have to say here
Tonight let's go all the way then
Love I'll see you,
Just for this evening
Let's strip down, trip out at this
One evening starts with a kiss
Run away

And tomorrow
Back to being friends
Lovers...love...lovers
Just for tonight, one night...love you
And tomorrow say goodbye





It's crazy, it seems like this is the relationship I have with this one particular person, that in these brief moments we get to be two people who just care about each other and are trapped in this weird limbo, and then by the morning, its back to the way our lives are supposed to be-separate. Which is so frustrating, for me. Because in these brief moments, I am thrown into the dream of what could be- and for the record I like that dream :( so I guess my "Tonight, let's be lovers..." Is really me saying just keep this dream going, this moment where we just get to be. I wish that I could have that for many evenings and not just for a few fleeting moments. I don't want to go back to being friends, because when we are more than that it is so much more fun....
Or I guess to Dave, my issue is that I don't just want this for a night and I sure as hell don't want to say goodbye.. BAH!!! FRUSTRATING!!
Worse part is now I look like the crazy person who just can't let go. Well maybe, tell the jack-off who keeps coming back to stop! All I do is pick up the phone, I'm not the one who calls, HE DOES! Why?! What is the purpose of wrapping up one person into every good thing you want for yourself if you can't even take the next steps to make sure that she stays there. And even more, what is the purpose of you risking a good thing when all you have to do is just say a few words and you'd have her forever?
Well I know I may be wrong and the first part of this is that I need to also let go, and refuse to answer the phone anymore. But I guess for just tonight, I'll continue to participate in this dance we do and hold on to the dream just for a night. And tomorrow, we'll go back to being worse than friends, and that's nothing. But at least for right now I still have this fleeting moment and a dream... Night y'all..