Hey y'all:
Last blog post I discussed my relationship with a new church I am attending. When I tell you how changed I am--- oooo we! God has been so good to me and through this week I have seen Him working in my life in such a powerful way. That even though I am currently sick I am in such a great mood, being so faithful and guided and protected. I have been in and around the church practically all of my life. I have found my way back to the church despite my own shortcomings and this is the first time that I have fully submitted to His glory. And it is AWESOME! I mean AWESOME!! I am so blessed and am learning how to be more like Him. I pray every day to be placed more in His character. I pray that I can continue to build the relationship I have with Him and that He continues to guide me through my situations.
I believe that I have found my church home. A place where I am strengthened, a place where I am EAGER to get back. Finding ways to be more involved just so that I can be wrapped in His glory.
Thank you Jesus!
Okay, love y'all have a blessed day!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
So blessed...
Hey Ya'll -
This evening I went to church for this mass they do for young professionals and college students. It's called The Movement, it's shorter than Sunday mass, but it was such a blessing to be able to praise and worship all the great things that God has done for me and will continue to do for me. For the Word we looked at Judges 16: 18-28, we talked about Samson and Delilah and the fact that Samson was supposed to be a deliverer and that we in our anointing are also supposed to deliver others into God's love. It is so fulfilling to think about this part because I look at my life and what I want to do with it, be a person who serves others, makes a difference in the world around me and part of that making a difference is showing people around me God's love. As I type this, I am feeling overwhelmed by His grace and so thankful for all that He does for me and through me. But it so wonderful to see the vision the Lord has for me and to know that in many ways i am on the right path.
There were two points that Pastor Tom mentioned for us to remember- the first is to Be Careful where we sleep- or where we rest. Do not settle for the things that are less than what He has for us.
The second point to remember is -be careful of with your heart- guard your heart basically. Do not let other people into your whole life partially because when your heart gets broken they aren't there to help you and the reason that your heart gets broken is because it wasn't careful guarded.
Oh I am just so blessed to have been able to hear that word. It has set me up in such the right path right now. So I am so excited!
Thank you Lord for guiding me to The City Church and thank you very much for guiding me through to The Movement.
That's all she wrote folks, Stay blessed!
This evening I went to church for this mass they do for young professionals and college students. It's called The Movement, it's shorter than Sunday mass, but it was such a blessing to be able to praise and worship all the great things that God has done for me and will continue to do for me. For the Word we looked at Judges 16: 18-28, we talked about Samson and Delilah and the fact that Samson was supposed to be a deliverer and that we in our anointing are also supposed to deliver others into God's love. It is so fulfilling to think about this part because I look at my life and what I want to do with it, be a person who serves others, makes a difference in the world around me and part of that making a difference is showing people around me God's love. As I type this, I am feeling overwhelmed by His grace and so thankful for all that He does for me and through me. But it so wonderful to see the vision the Lord has for me and to know that in many ways i am on the right path.
There were two points that Pastor Tom mentioned for us to remember- the first is to Be Careful where we sleep- or where we rest. Do not settle for the things that are less than what He has for us.
The second point to remember is -be careful of with your heart- guard your heart basically. Do not let other people into your whole life partially because when your heart gets broken they aren't there to help you and the reason that your heart gets broken is because it wasn't careful guarded.
Oh I am just so blessed to have been able to hear that word. It has set me up in such the right path right now. So I am so excited!
Thank you Lord for guiding me to The City Church and thank you very much for guiding me through to The Movement.
That's all she wrote folks, Stay blessed!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
10 years later and it's still a day never to be forgotten
It's the 10 year Anniversary of the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks. There are some moments in our lives that completely shape the rest of your life and how you see the world. There are also moments like these that you will never forget. 9/11 is one of those moments. I was on my way to school, it was sophomore year, every year we go to the middle of the woods and participate in a Ropes Course- my mom was driving me to school early. I had asked her to stop at Safeway so I could pick up candy for my friends for lunch. We got back in the car and turned on the radio, listening to KMEL- what we heard on the radio sounded like a movie advertisement. the DJs were saying something about the first tower getting hit. I really thought it was a movie, and then a commercial break happened- My mother and I looked at each other and were in shock. It wasn't until I got to school and the principal strated to pull those of us aside who they knew had family in NY before I realized what had happened. But without seeing it on TV it still didn't make much sense.
It wasn't until school ended and I was able to go home that I realized what had happened. Threats had been made on San Francisco, so there was a Bay Area wide curfew.
Sitting in front of CNN, I was finally able to see the images that had been splashed all over the news all day long. It was such a tragic scene, I didn't know if my family was alright, remember at this time I wasn't in contact with my dad's side of the family. But while I knew that my world could be rocked, I wasn't just worried about my family, but I was worried about the world, my country and all of the others who knew instntly that their loved ones weren't coming back. It was also really telling and frustrating how quickly blame spread.
It was disheartning for me over the next few days after 9/11 how qucikly violence spread against people of Middle Eastern descent, it seemed like every day more and more people were inciting violence against the people they blamed for the deaths of thousands.
10 years ago I was 15 years old. 9/11 for me, like many others has forever shaped how I see the world. For a person who lived 15 years without this fear of war, since 9/11 war is all I have really known. Tracking the number of deaths over seas, seeing friends enlist and go abroad; and waiting for the next "big" attack on the U.S. There is a new normal in this country and in this world today, all because of the events of 9/11. For my niece, I don't think she'll really be able to grasp what 9/11 meant for all of us. For my god daughter, she will only know that there is a hieghtened sense of state, that men and women died for our right to live, for our right to "fight back." No matter where we stand in the world, 9/11 will always be a day that is marked with a somber attitude. These images will live on and hopefully the lessons of such a tragic day will force us to continue to grow into better people each time.
I don't know if I see the world in a better light because of what happened, but I do know that it is something that is not a distant memory, but something that for me is lived almost every moment of my life. I think that is what unifies us on 9/11, there are many families who lost loved ones, who will never get those minutes back, but for all of us, we all lost a piece of what was "normal" for us.
So to all those who lost their lives, and who continue to put their lives on the line for us all each day- Thank you! 9/11 is a day we will never forget, but a day that will remind us to live each moment as the best examples of ourselves. It's not just God Bless America, but really God Bless the world!
It wasn't until school ended and I was able to go home that I realized what had happened. Threats had been made on San Francisco, so there was a Bay Area wide curfew.
Sitting in front of CNN, I was finally able to see the images that had been splashed all over the news all day long. It was such a tragic scene, I didn't know if my family was alright, remember at this time I wasn't in contact with my dad's side of the family. But while I knew that my world could be rocked, I wasn't just worried about my family, but I was worried about the world, my country and all of the others who knew instntly that their loved ones weren't coming back. It was also really telling and frustrating how quickly blame spread.
It was disheartning for me over the next few days after 9/11 how qucikly violence spread against people of Middle Eastern descent, it seemed like every day more and more people were inciting violence against the people they blamed for the deaths of thousands.
10 years ago I was 15 years old. 9/11 for me, like many others has forever shaped how I see the world. For a person who lived 15 years without this fear of war, since 9/11 war is all I have really known. Tracking the number of deaths over seas, seeing friends enlist and go abroad; and waiting for the next "big" attack on the U.S. There is a new normal in this country and in this world today, all because of the events of 9/11. For my niece, I don't think she'll really be able to grasp what 9/11 meant for all of us. For my god daughter, she will only know that there is a hieghtened sense of state, that men and women died for our right to live, for our right to "fight back." No matter where we stand in the world, 9/11 will always be a day that is marked with a somber attitude. These images will live on and hopefully the lessons of such a tragic day will force us to continue to grow into better people each time.
I don't know if I see the world in a better light because of what happened, but I do know that it is something that is not a distant memory, but something that for me is lived almost every moment of my life. I think that is what unifies us on 9/11, there are many families who lost loved ones, who will never get those minutes back, but for all of us, we all lost a piece of what was "normal" for us.
So to all those who lost their lives, and who continue to put their lives on the line for us all each day- Thank you! 9/11 is a day we will never forget, but a day that will remind us to live each moment as the best examples of ourselves. It's not just God Bless America, but really God Bless the world!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Black Love: Why we cherish loves like Will & Jada's
Hey ya'll, so I have a tendency to make comments about love, OFTEN! Mainly because I will admit that as much as relationships and I do not get along, I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I do eventually want love to be gifted to me. I know I would be good in love and when that day comes I think whoever my partner is would be good in love too.
Well this post is about love, but more about the risks we take when we love, and I think deeper than that it is about the fear that we have about love. And by we, I mean Black people. When we think of the Black Family, it's not the traditional white picket fence, two people in love that society will have us to believe. The majority of our young brothers are locked up, dead or just no where to be found. So when we see a strong couple like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle, we have hope in what our lives can be like. Recently a rumor took to the media waves about Will & Jada splitting up. It caused an uproar in many media outlets, and caused a lot of people to comment on it. Including Will's son Trey. Some people were getting annoyed with all of the news surrounding the couple, so I wanted to share a little bit of the perspective of why it was such an important piece of our community.
Black love has been something very different then the norm, I guess- for lack of a better word. We are one community, when pain is felt by one of us, we all feel it, when success is gained by one of us, we all live it. So when a rumor tries to fracture the joy that we all feel when we look at a couple like Will & Jada- who teach us how to love, how to be loved and how to raise a strong Black family in love, it makes us all get a little worried that our hope will be dashed. We put our support into those magical couples that teach us lessons in love everyday, because we want to preserve that hope. When this hope is being tainted, it makes us fear that our chances at that magic are going to be diminished.
So when rumors start to spill out that Will & Jada are on the rocks, the community goes crazy, because for us, that means we run the risk of losing the dream as well. I don't know if I would have gotten into the uproar, but I do know that it is something that got me to take a closer look, wanting to check the headlines to see if these rumors were confirmed.
But now, all I am going to do is pray, pray for the dream that I have that I will have a magical love like that, and that my Black love will be something that the community wants to preserve and cherish and make their own.
Well this post is about love, but more about the risks we take when we love, and I think deeper than that it is about the fear that we have about love. And by we, I mean Black people. When we think of the Black Family, it's not the traditional white picket fence, two people in love that society will have us to believe. The majority of our young brothers are locked up, dead or just no where to be found. So when we see a strong couple like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle, we have hope in what our lives can be like. Recently a rumor took to the media waves about Will & Jada splitting up. It caused an uproar in many media outlets, and caused a lot of people to comment on it. Including Will's son Trey. Some people were getting annoyed with all of the news surrounding the couple, so I wanted to share a little bit of the perspective of why it was such an important piece of our community.
Black love has been something very different then the norm, I guess- for lack of a better word. We are one community, when pain is felt by one of us, we all feel it, when success is gained by one of us, we all live it. So when a rumor tries to fracture the joy that we all feel when we look at a couple like Will & Jada- who teach us how to love, how to be loved and how to raise a strong Black family in love, it makes us all get a little worried that our hope will be dashed. We put our support into those magical couples that teach us lessons in love everyday, because we want to preserve that hope. When this hope is being tainted, it makes us fear that our chances at that magic are going to be diminished.
So when rumors start to spill out that Will & Jada are on the rocks, the community goes crazy, because for us, that means we run the risk of losing the dream as well. I don't know if I would have gotten into the uproar, but I do know that it is something that got me to take a closer look, wanting to check the headlines to see if these rumors were confirmed.
But now, all I am going to do is pray, pray for the dream that I have that I will have a magical love like that, and that my Black love will be something that the community wants to preserve and cherish and make their own.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Hey ya'll sorry it has been so long
It's been hard trying to find the words to write to make sense of this crazy world we live in, to make sense of the life we live and the moments we share with others and by ourselves. Well where do I start. I fell in love, got my heart broken and now I'm putting back the pieces of my life. Can you really fall in love with a person who doesn't know it, and if they don't know it, can they really break your heart?
I turned 26! And in the last year I have been able to gather so much strength and courage to take my life back from situations I didn't think I would be able to. I fought back from the pained story of my past- a childhood abduction. I fought back from the broken marriage of my parents, the deaths of loved ones. My life is finally mine to claim, something that I get proud of more and more everyday. I love that I get to wake up in the morning with quite possibly the coolest person in the world- me! It took me a while to stand on my own, moving across the country from one of the only places I can truly call home. To starting school and doing this whole thing by myself, to helping to guide my family and friends through my love and through my life. I pushed through an earthquake which I owe so much for helping me to find my way back to a more solid me. I am thankful for meeting Rachel Nielsen, an amazing woman and friend who helped to guide me through my pain and find a strength that I knew was there, but didn't know was mine.
So here I am 26 and so happy to be alive. Here is to another 26 years of happiness and joy, and here is to at least another year of you all reading my notes to myself and getting a glimpse into my life. Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill once said- "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse!" To be honest, I hope that my one life can really make an impact on the world... I don't do the things I do, or make the choices I make to better myself, I do them because I want the life I lead to make a difference for the young person who reads this blog, who has a story like mine and thinks they don't have the strength to continue to grow up. People, particularly my mother question my need to put my life out there for the world to see. But I stand true to this belief that my life's story is worth telling, that the mess that I have gone through, that the strength I have been able to find in the last few years has brought me to this place, not so that I could be timid, but so that I could actually make a difference for someone else. We only have this one life, at the end of it all I want people to look back on mine and be proud of the way I lived it. And to be better people because of it.
With love! Keesha
#PGS
I turned 26! And in the last year I have been able to gather so much strength and courage to take my life back from situations I didn't think I would be able to. I fought back from the pained story of my past- a childhood abduction. I fought back from the broken marriage of my parents, the deaths of loved ones. My life is finally mine to claim, something that I get proud of more and more everyday. I love that I get to wake up in the morning with quite possibly the coolest person in the world- me! It took me a while to stand on my own, moving across the country from one of the only places I can truly call home. To starting school and doing this whole thing by myself, to helping to guide my family and friends through my love and through my life. I pushed through an earthquake which I owe so much for helping me to find my way back to a more solid me. I am thankful for meeting Rachel Nielsen, an amazing woman and friend who helped to guide me through my pain and find a strength that I knew was there, but didn't know was mine.
So here I am 26 and so happy to be alive. Here is to another 26 years of happiness and joy, and here is to at least another year of you all reading my notes to myself and getting a glimpse into my life. Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill once said- "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse!" To be honest, I hope that my one life can really make an impact on the world... I don't do the things I do, or make the choices I make to better myself, I do them because I want the life I lead to make a difference for the young person who reads this blog, who has a story like mine and thinks they don't have the strength to continue to grow up. People, particularly my mother question my need to put my life out there for the world to see. But I stand true to this belief that my life's story is worth telling, that the mess that I have gone through, that the strength I have been able to find in the last few years has brought me to this place, not so that I could be timid, but so that I could actually make a difference for someone else. We only have this one life, at the end of it all I want people to look back on mine and be proud of the way I lived it. And to be better people because of it.
With love! Keesha
#PGS
Saturday, July 2, 2011
My best advice is too... (brought to you by TeamPGS)
.. Love yourself! This is a special blog brought to you be TeamPGS.. The movement that I hope will build confidence in young women throughout the world. It started with a song, and then I adopted it into my life movement, something that has kept be grounded and still keeps me grounded as I build strength and confidence in myself.
A lot of changes are happening in my life, and they happen in a lot of people's lives. I mean if you don't deal with change, are you really living? Anyways, through all of the changes, good and bad, sometimes you need God and your own strength to get through it. And what I have learned ESPECIALLY in this last year is that the one person you must rely on the most is yourself and before you can give love to others, you have to give love to yourself. Not many people are ready for that, or are able to give themselves what they truly need.
I think everyone needs an "Eat * Pray* Love" moment, and well mine came from watching the movie and not reading the book, although.. I WILL read the book soon enough. But at any rate, mine came from watching the movie and I am pleased to say that I have started on the path to finding myself and finding that person that can be all that I need. I think we are all capable of loving another person and being loved, it's just a matter of time and patience.
but I don't agree with waiting, I don't agree with settling for the first person to come along either. I don't want to be chasing love all of my life, I don't want to feel like what I have is "a lot like love" but not quite it. I may be naive in thinking that I can have it all, but why can't I?
My friends ask me what am I looking for, and to be honest I don't know. I don't think I have a type, just like my friends, I like my men in different packages-- with different backgrounds. I just want someone who can tell a good joke, make me laugh. Relax with me, think that staying in and watching movies is just as fun as chillin with friends. Someone who takes care of me how I take care of everyone else, or at least acknowledges the love I have for other people, whether he takes care of me in the same way or not. I want to be respected, I want to be cherished, but most of all I want my best friend. Someone who gets me, they do not by any circumstances have to be like me, but they just have to compliment me. I want someone I can bicker with, but love hard with.. And if that is a lot for one person to handle, then I'm sorry onto the next one. I realize from the lessons other friends have taught me that sometimes substituting my career in place of finding love is a hard thing to do, but like I said I am not settling for the first person who makes me weak in the knees. I am not going to sit there and think that that relationship is it for me. And I know it's not like the movies, but is it too much to ask to have a person who respects me, who wants to love me and cherish me?
To all of you out there, I have to say make time to get to know you. You are the one person who has to live with yourself 24/7, you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror.
And a piece of advice from my mistakes-- make sure to get out there. I have a great time when I am out, but I don't make enough time to do it. Which is my BIG fail and something I HAVE to get better at. So as I get ready to turn 26, I have a lot more growing to do-- I have to push my comfort levels and get out there, meet new people and explore different environments. Wish me the best! And good luck to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
A lot of changes are happening in my life, and they happen in a lot of people's lives. I mean if you don't deal with change, are you really living? Anyways, through all of the changes, good and bad, sometimes you need God and your own strength to get through it. And what I have learned ESPECIALLY in this last year is that the one person you must rely on the most is yourself and before you can give love to others, you have to give love to yourself. Not many people are ready for that, or are able to give themselves what they truly need.
I think everyone needs an "Eat * Pray* Love" moment, and well mine came from watching the movie and not reading the book, although.. I WILL read the book soon enough. But at any rate, mine came from watching the movie and I am pleased to say that I have started on the path to finding myself and finding that person that can be all that I need. I think we are all capable of loving another person and being loved, it's just a matter of time and patience.
but I don't agree with waiting, I don't agree with settling for the first person to come along either. I don't want to be chasing love all of my life, I don't want to feel like what I have is "a lot like love" but not quite it. I may be naive in thinking that I can have it all, but why can't I?
My friends ask me what am I looking for, and to be honest I don't know. I don't think I have a type, just like my friends, I like my men in different packages-- with different backgrounds. I just want someone who can tell a good joke, make me laugh. Relax with me, think that staying in and watching movies is just as fun as chillin with friends. Someone who takes care of me how I take care of everyone else, or at least acknowledges the love I have for other people, whether he takes care of me in the same way or not. I want to be respected, I want to be cherished, but most of all I want my best friend. Someone who gets me, they do not by any circumstances have to be like me, but they just have to compliment me. I want someone I can bicker with, but love hard with.. And if that is a lot for one person to handle, then I'm sorry onto the next one. I realize from the lessons other friends have taught me that sometimes substituting my career in place of finding love is a hard thing to do, but like I said I am not settling for the first person who makes me weak in the knees. I am not going to sit there and think that that relationship is it for me. And I know it's not like the movies, but is it too much to ask to have a person who respects me, who wants to love me and cherish me?
To all of you out there, I have to say make time to get to know you. You are the one person who has to live with yourself 24/7, you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror.
And a piece of advice from my mistakes-- make sure to get out there. I have a great time when I am out, but I don't make enough time to do it. Which is my BIG fail and something I HAVE to get better at. So as I get ready to turn 26, I have a lot more growing to do-- I have to push my comfort levels and get out there, meet new people and explore different environments. Wish me the best! And good luck to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
The last goodbye... Finally letting it all go
I think as someone more feminine we have tendencies to over dramatize certain situations. Particularly matters of the heart, we get so caught up in the "feeling" that we don't really see what's happening in front of us.
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
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