Experiences of a Serial Dater...

.... Well at least for a night. ;) so this summer will be my third summer spent in DC and I feel like it's my third summer to actually get out and enjoy what this great place has to offer, so what does that mean? Well for me it meant that I created a list of things to do, with the help of friends and the 1,000s of websites that post about "things to do". So last night's adventure was the first of many. I decided to sign myself up for speed dating. OMG! I know, I am 25, is speed dating really the thing for me? And not to knock anyone who has done it, but I just don't think this is the outlet for me to find a date, I have held this belief that it would be a last resort. But I wanted a fun night on the town and to at least say I did it. So I convinced a friend of mine to come out with me and signed us up.
Turns out another friend of mine was down for the fun and he came too with one of his friends. Leading up to last night and the main event, I was an awkward bundle of nerves. Was I really going to go through with this and did I seriously think this was how I would find a date? Well, I think somewhere along the path of jumbled nerves and cold feet I decided that I would just have fun with it. If nothing else it would be a great networking opportunity for this rising star in Graduate School :) to mingle with other 20 or 30 somethings and hopefully find the next thing career leg up, or at leat the next opportunity to learn and grow. That went well.
We get to the location and everyone's eyes are on everyone else. Sizing us up looking around, it was awkward,but the truth was, I'm amongst 30 other people who are feeling the same way-- AWKWARD. The downside not many 20 somethings were male. The majority were in their 30s- nothing wrong with thatm, but not what I was looking for.
But this girl had 10, count 'em 10 dates! Look at me. No but really, it was a great opportunity to just sit and talk to people, meet someone new and see what if any connection there could be. I was appreciative of my friends who came with, who just had a good time and enjoyed the event for what it was, they made it exciting, they made it enjoyable and they and well the "Open Bar" helped to take the edge off.
For anyone who is thinking to take on the world of Speed Dating, do it at least once. Take it seriously, because the people you meet are. But most importantly have a little fun.

As for this girl, I'm putting up my Speed Dating nametag and crossing off one more thing on my DC Bucket List. It was fun, but not for me and not how I want to find that next special someone.
Cheers!

So many things to be happy for...

Hey all.. It has been a minute since I have posted to the blogs, and my apologies that the other Social Media networks (Twitter, Facebook etc) have been getting more love from me than you. I do have to say however, the blogs will always be my favorite source. I have more of an opportunity to really write about what I want to and to be "long-winded" with it as well.

So here is the news in my life. I don't know if I have spoken much about my education etc. I am currently in school for my Master's in Political Science: Applied Politics at American University. I completed my Bachelor's Degree here as well in Political Science in 2010. I currently work for Housing and Dining Programs as a Campus Host (a Resident Assistant and Desk Staff Combo) as well as a Graduate Assistant position with THE FREDERICK DOUGLASS DISTINGUISHED SCHOLARS PROGRAM- (yes I am an overachiever). Because of the two latter positions I have been drawn to a life in Higher Edcuation and more primarily to a life in Education Policy. Why?! Well because I have begun to see through the many Social Justice Issues that I have been privvy to be apart of, that Education at least in my opinion is the base for which all other problems stem. My interest in news on Education, my attendance at programs speaking on Edcuation hav eall been drawing points for me to invest further in creating solutions for educational systems. I think a lot of this passion stems from seeing how education is handled in the United Sates and particualrly within Urban communities- as this is a community I identify with. Anyways, because of this love of a more focused direction, I recently applied for a position within Housing and Dining called the Assistant Resident Director. While I might not be educating students in the traditional sense, I am making a difference, or will make a difference for students I connect with, by challenging them to be smarter leaders. To really understand issues and to learn from them. I am still learning, I think that is the great thing about life. I do not have all the answers and while I am still trying to carve out what type of person I want to be, it will be hard to help another person carve out their direction, but I know that it will be fun.
So here is to the new path I am taking in life. While the journey may seem daunting moving forward, I am extremely excited for the opportunity.

No Apologies Revisited

So I have had an amazing year of finding myself and still learning to enjoy this time for me. I have realized that I have accomplished so many things and I never really took the time to enjoy them or be satisfied. This year that has been different, I have definitely grown to live in the moment and I am proud of how far I have come. I have grown to be extremely self aware and self reliant, in ways that I think had someone else had gone through what I did, that he or she might have had a different outcome. I am so blessed to be HERE right now, and I am so over the things of the past and allowing them to hold me back, that I will not settle or make apologies for not wanting to live in yesterday. Yesterday takes away from the joys of today, and I wish some people would get that.
With that said, I am still not talking to my mother. I am not holding a grudge, but I don’t trust that she will listen with understanding as I would like her to. I think that to have a conversation with my mother that is planned, she will go into it only waiting for her chance to get out what she wants and I don’t think she will ever really HEAR me. And that’s unfortunate because I mean she is my mother, but at the end of the day you definitely don’t get to choose the life you are born into, you only have the choice to do with it what you can. In the last few years I have learned that right now it’s only me and God. I mean I have support from so many people, but at the end of the day if I can’t stand on my own two feet what am I showing about the life I am living? I think I will always be hopeful for a better relationship with my mother, but the young girl who used to YEARN for it, well she’s closed the door. DUECES to who I used to be and the person that I keep hoping you will be for me. #PGS

Real World Las Vegas (Dustin Outed)

So I have an issue and I don't know what it is. I am confused and just trying to make sense of the world that we live in. I do have to make a disclaimer- no one is perfect. Judgement is something that we are all prone to passing even when we say we aren't. We come into situations with our own notions about the way the world works and the way we are supposed to interact in this world. When we make claims about what is right or wrong we are passing judgement about another person's way of life. So here it is, I am judging what I was exposed to, and only out of the context that I hope this is the way I would react.
So I'm watching Real World Las Vegas, which has pretty much given me the idea that this season is all about growth. I feel these "young bucks" on the show have a lot to learn about life and about themselves and about the world. They chose to do things that are questionable by any standards, they do it, it takes them a minute to own it and then they learn from the process.
But I am not talking about the other situations or points of growth or immaturity in my judgemental mind- I'm talking about an incident that arose in tonight's "episode" where one of the star's secrets came out. Here's the back story: Turns out Dustin has been on a site where he was naked, possibly doing pornish things, questionable as to whether it was gay porn (at the time) or not. THE ISSUE: according to everyone else in the house was that he lied about it.
So here's my take- one, Dustin didn't come out and tell anyone. Adam an ex-star of the show found out that Dustin was on the show. Heather, his (Dustin's gf at the time) found out through her mother, practically the same day that Adam told another roommate in the house. So everyone jumped to conclusions, Heather was crying that he lied to her. People in the house were saying it was disgusting, and my issue was that people didn't know what the "truth" was. For Dustin, he knew the minute it was "out" that people in the house had found out. He freaked out and went into this hibernation almost that I mean granted, a secret you weren't ready to talk about is out for the world to hear.
MY ISSUE: Did Dustin lie? If it was me and I was Heather, yes I would be upset that the person I am dating didn't tell me about this HUGE part in my life. I think to be honest the only person who needs to get mad or has a right to be upset and question the "truth" is Heather.

The others in the house flipped out and tried to call Dustin out on ish, when they in my opinion can't own that. He lied to us, he didn't tell us about xyz. Well that is life people! People will not always tell you things about their past, especially when they haven't really processed it for themselves. And to be honest it isn't about you.

Issue #2: Prior to this all coming out Dustin and some of the roommates had conversations about the GLBT community and marriage. Dustin made some extremely offensive comments regarding this lifestyle. He was extremely judgemental and while it does not excuse it, the student interested in the brain and the way we think and act is fascinated by Dustin's "epiphany". He is a "closet porn star" for lack of a better word. His porn was predominately with guys and for someone who says he's straight, that's a lot for someone else to take on. I think the roommates have a right to be mad at the image he perceived to have and the views he presented when first introduced. His views were extremely homophobic, mainly because he probably tried to convince himself for years that what he did was not gay. Then on top of that he probably has years of psych issues, considering this was something that had started for him when he was 18, fresh out of high school, no other options and as he says he for the first time had a "father figure" in the guy who founded the website and found him. So I guess I think my thing about Dustin is I feel bad because he is very confused, he still has a lot to process and the group of people that he has come to rely on is the roommates. And when he needs them the most, they want to drop him, distance themselves from him etc. I just think that part is shady. People keep things from people for a host of different reasons, and it is not based on your time as to when they are going to tell you. I think I was most disappointed because it seemed as if people weren't even trying to understand where he was coming from. It was as if they were just focused on how it made them feel and the impact this situation had on them. Dustin NEVER got to own telling them for himself, which I think is frustrating.

Issue # 3: Furthermore, I think it is disgraceful and disgusting for the roommates to jump to he automatically needs to leave the house. I don't think people realize that this house is meant to push boundaries and to challenge your comfort levels and that the people going through ish are not the only ones who need to learn from these mistakes. WE all do! And if you think that kicking someone out of a house because he or she did porn, gay, straight or other and didn't tell you is a little disconcerting to me and really makes me question how far we have come. I mean, fighting, drugs, breaking ish making my life miserable, those are reasons to be dropped from the environment (ADAM!) but someones personal identity and the challenges they went through. I mean I just felt SUPER bad for Dustin. I felt like he was gang up on, out casted and we didn't really get to hear what was underneath his truth (it could be the editing). I also recognize that I am not them, I didn't live with Dustin for the x amount of weeks that they did. I didn't speak with him, or live with him for 24hrs sharing stories etc. But I think people are misguided when they walk up into the house and expect to get every one's life story RIGHT AWAY! Yes it's the Real World, part of that experience is that you expect to dig deeper into the lives of people you see on tv, but that has to happen on their comfort level, no one else's.
Idk.. I have more to process. but for right now- that's all folks!

No apologies

Hey y'all..
It has been a while, my apologies. I have been somewhat busy, but I am back now. this blog is titled "No apologies." It's a fitting title given the ish that I have been going through in the last few weeks.
I don't begin to call myself perfect, or to even hint that I am better than other people. I am completely humbled by the experiences that I have been faced with and would never want to actively go out and hurt someone else.
I have spoken candidly about my life and some of the expereinces that I have gone through- abduction etc. and to some people- they think that my writing this blog is a way to perpetuate the ills of the past and to not let go of what I went through. And in some sick way hurt them in the process.
Let me be clear, this blog has no intention to hurt other people. I am sorry if it is preceived that way. My intention is to tell my story, to let other people know that at the end of the day we all face the same or similar problems. At 15 I used to think it was only me, I felt alone, I was lost I didn't imagine that I would have gotten to this point, that I would have experienced some level of freedom to be able to let it all go. I get that people might be taken aback by how "real" I am being and forward, but I'm sorry that if you don't know by now that IS the type of person I am. I don't have time and we don't have time to dilly dally around pleasentries when the real issues are that we don't want to talk about what the real issues are. This to me is problematic and toxic when we hold on to these feelings but to each others faces we try and put on a good front.
I feel that I have to get it out, and again once I have said it the moment has passed. While I understand some people's frustration at what I may say, again I have YET to go into detail about what truly happened. That part of my life is more than a blog it is a chapter or 2 in a novel.
You might be askign where this is comign from. Well the other day I get an email and a phone call from my mother angry about my blog. I hadn't told my mother about it, because while there are some posts about her, it's not as if the ENTIRE blog is about her. Which she took to be the main premise. While I understand that hers and some others feeling scan be hurt by the things I say, I wnat people to realize this is NOT ABOUT YOU!!! These posts are ways for me to analyze moments in my life to come back and see, have I learned from them and what better ways I could have approached them to do better the next time. Secondly I don't, nor will I ever apologize for telling my story. I realize that we have these ideas that certain things should be private, but there is some 15 year old girl out their wishing that someone would have told their story so that they could see that the road isn't as dark as they think it is.
For that I don't have any regrets for the words I write, I understand the implications it has for other people- but I say to an extent then maybe there is something within yourself that needs to be looked at, if you are reacting in this way to a 2-3 line inquiry into my past. Writing these moments down allows me to move forward from the drama and continue to progress to the goals that I have more myself. This does not mean that I am propelling the story of my life as a claim to fame, or hoping that my story gets turned into some sort of "Lifetime Movie." I merely am making the analysis that as people we are a lot closer to each other than we realize, while the context is different the writing on the wall is still the same.

HAve a good one y'all! It's good to be back :D

It's like hitting the replay button...

Hey y'all, I am writing today with a heavy heart. Last week, I found out that my ex is having a baby. It feels like I am hitting the replay button on the craziest experiences of my life and it really sucks.
But I am not upset at the situation per say, I mean I'm not sad because of the news that I heard, I'm not even sad because of the experience itself. I'm upset and destroyed because this moment brings back the same emotions and feelings I had when I found about TD. It's just made me reopen that wound again and IT SUCKS!!
I guess I am really starting to figure out how much I allowed myself to lock up my feelings for TD and now it's really TOO late. And then there is the other side of it, like is there a sign on my forhead that says if you've dated me, one you'll die young and or 2 you'll end up getting the next girl after me pregnant. Like WTF. And I know that I shouldn't be going through this whole thing, or this whole mindset but it's just I got to go through the emotions I guess in order to get through the drama of this moment.
Ugh, but I feel myself sinking into this dark place inside of me and I don't want to go there, not over this. But let me get it clear, it isn't because of my ex- not hat I didn't care about him or love him. But it's because I am finally realsing what I let pass me by and that sucks. TD has been on my mind and in my heart for a LOOOOONG time and I just now have to deal with the fact that I need to let it go.

There it is..
I'm out y'all.

KINDNESS is not synonymous with WEAKNESS

... I let myself play with fire and got caught up in some PURE stupidity. I have been talking in the last few posts about a guy that I have had a history with. I will no longer lie to myself, yes I have real feelings. I could probably even learn to be in love with him, but there is a reason we never got a chance to be together. And despite what he says, and what I only hope he continues to say IS very different from what he does.
Point being when we last spoke he said he would do a better job of keeping up, so I let a few days go by and then I text him to say what's up. Then after the week went by I let him know that his plan to keep in touch sucked. And while every conversation I have with him is lightly sparkled flirtation, I know that a text message is extremely harmless. Even more harmless are the crazy 3am drunken phone calls I receive from him, even though I always will hold true that a person's true feelings come out when they are drunk, and even though I know that when he's drunk is when he tells me that I am "The One." But truth be told for some people, i.e his baby mamma, the fact that I have known him for going on 9 years and the fact that we don't talk like we've been friend for 9 years doesn't even seem to resonate with her. I mean I may have known TD for 9 years, but our friendship is really in retrospect like a year and a half old, give or take. Clearly in it's infant stage.
So tonight, I text him and I just said that his game plan sucked. And that he needed to rethink his strategy as, we don't talk that much and while it's the new year I hope that changes. So I get a text message from "him" saying "Really (classic TD, but without his normal tone- how I was able to pick up on it is only because I KNOW him) and so I was like "Yup I said it." And the response was "I already told you. What's our plan, what's my strategy."-- The minute I read that, I knew it was his baby mama, trying to get me caught up in some nonsense that I did not create nor did I want to be a part of. So I responded with " Huh? I am talking about the fact that we have known each other for 9 years and that while our friendship is almost a decade long we don't act like we know each other. And that hopefully this year would be a little different." But like I said I knew it was his chick, so I wrote back right after "And, tell TD I said hi and to whoever I am talking to right now I hope you have a great year." At which point I decided to officially wipe my hands clean of the whole situation. I am over being pulled into some mess- I know that I am not so innocent in this. I know that I have feelings for him and I know that I have this dream that ONE DAY maybe, just maybe we'll get our chance. But at the same time, when I have to deal with this when conversations are innocent (because I am not stupid) I have to deal with a dumb chick and her own insecurities. I get a response later after I wrote that part about tell him I said hi- Don't text or call, alright. Well TD, point taken and noted. I will not text or call you anymore. If I care to know how you are doing I will ask your family and to be honest I don't want to care anymore. We both need to grow up and move on. This fantasy we are holding on to is us not living in the real world and it's causing trouble for way too many people, ourselves included. And more importantly, I am walking away because you have a beautiful little boy who needs his father and given this chicks track record with me right now, I wouldn't be surprised if she threatens to take him away and I would not be happy with myself if I let that happen, so I am letting it go. I am walking away and saying good bye because it is the best for both of us.
But don't get it twisted, you mistook kindness for weakness and you mistook the thought that I would always be around. In some respect yeah, I will applaud you from a far, I will probably run into you from time to time while I'm visiting your fam, but the one on one. consider it over with. I just hope you figure out what you are doing with that "ball n chain" because this chick telling me to no longer talk to my friend is making me very angry. But for my sanity deuces!