2023 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 2

 Hey y'all it's ya girl -- Kee! I didn't put 2 and 2 together that today is January 2nd, which means my last post is a day behind. So here we go with Day 2 of the 2023 30 Day Writing Challenge. 

I told myself I couldn't __________, but now I am trying to ________.

The stories we tell ourselves right? They might not even be words that we speak over ourselves, but it might be the actions we take or the things we don't do. I guess somewhere within me, the thing I told myself is that my achievements are what make me me. It's not that achieving things is not a good thing, but somewhere I conditioned myself that achieving was my ONLY thing. That doing things, even if honorable, was who I am. But I am more than the things I accomplish, the moments of generosity and care. Now I am trying to learn more about who I am, who I want to be. To build a confidence within me that is encouraged to lead and love well. I am giving myself grace when I fall short of my own boundaries/goals. Taking more time to pause in between the moments to enjoy the win. 

At the end of 2021 I had the honor of interviewing two incredible authors, activists, leaders of this generation. The interviews are recorded and I have yet to go back and watch them. I should... 

That's all she wrote...

I lost my voice in 2017

Hey Y'all:
 It has been a while since I have written. 2017 was a rough year for me and in reflecting, I lost my voice. I lost that will and desire to be creative in the a place that gives me piece to process the every day instances of this life that I am leading.

So if I can just take a moment to say where I have been in 2017 and where I know I am going:

• I lost a friend, my best friend--- I had a best friend for a significant period of time and that relationship shifted where I became more conscious of how unhealthy that relationship was. I didn't react the way that was repairing of our friendship and like many misses where we allow our flesh to lead us and not our spirit, there will need to be healing and forgiveness on my part to come back from this loss
• So in losing my best friend, I felt super alone and not really sure of my safety nets, if that makes sense. And it's not to say that I do not have people, I have plenty of people, but when you have a void in your life you try to fill it and I was filling my void of missing my friend and not having that friend with despair 
• My job shifted-- I knew it was coming and it shifted into something that I knew was/is challenging. And instead of facing the challenge in the state of grace that I have been blessed with I walked into this challenge in a tantrum-- NO LIE! I walked in ready to fight every day instead of having MY SPIRIT, the spirit of okay, what can I learn from this situation. My job is not perfect and yes, I am desiring to be in a new situation, but I allowed myself to get lost in the deficits that I got lost
• I stopped running
• I stopped working out
• I slept a lot
• I stopped writing
• My mother got sick-- My mother had a series of strokes in 6 months. The major one happened in May and I had to fly out to California. 
• If you have been following my blogs (If I have gotten that deep yet) I have a very tense relationship with my mother
• And I was guided by the obligation of being the "dutiful" daughter to be responsive to my mother's situation
• With her health changing it also meant that I couldn't necessarily keep an arms length distance anymore, it means that there is something tugging at me that says I need to take action. But what it created with this immense fear
• I ended the year in a deep state of depression
• I was paralyzed in many instances to not act and to literally just weep

So you add these few major shifts and I really felt like I was riding out of 2017 literally on the rims. I could not wait to get to 2018. Really I couldn't wait for my job season to end and to have a week break to just be. 

But here I am in 2018 and the circumstances are still the same, in that:

• I still am living a life without my best friend
• My job is still shifted
• My mother is still very sick and much of her healing and well-being is out of my control

But here are the things that are also different in these first 21 days of the new year:

• I lost my best friend and I am learning to be at peace with it and learning to forgive myself for it
• My job shifted and so has my attitude. I know this work is not for me, but while I am in this season, I know that "NO ONE CAN STEAL MY JOY". So I am RECLAIMING MY JOY and walking into my job with an attitude of the faith that I know will get me through
• My mother is still sick, and I am seeing a therapist!

Let's be real, there are so many stigmas about therapy and especially within the Black communities. But I am not naive to know that therapists were gifted these talents to be able to walk out these hard situations in our lives. As a Christian, I know that it is not only the therapist that is at work, but that I am also casting my cares upon the altar of God. These two actions combined are changing me.

The darkness and heaviness that I carried with me towards the end of 2017 is in 2017. I feel better, I feel bolder, that is for sure. And I know that it will require a bit of day by day moments. But can I get a joyful shout that in this day by day moment--- I AM WRITING!!! I am slowly finding my voice again and I hope that she continues to be strengthened each day to come back here and share with y'all "Inside Keesha's World." 

What I'm Reading: Around The Way Girl by Taraji P. Henson

When I was a kid my parents and really, I think more so, my dad, maintained that my love of reading would have some sort of knowledge acquisition element. He probably also stated my love of critical thinking and writing without even knowing it.

When I was a kid every book I read and particularly over the summer was followed by a book report. I loved reading but those of you with a secondary degree, probably have reasoned that reading for fun is something you yearn for, but might not get to accomplish, even as your Amazon wish lists continue to grow.

Over the last few years I've been able to reclaim my joy of reading through a book club with my sister and just finally catching a rhythm in work and life. So I might as well return to the lessons my dad taught me and share what I've learned....

---

Around the Way Girl: A Memoir By Taraji P. Henson

If you are a fan of celebrity Taraji P. Henson, RUN, do not walk to get this book. And don't just get this book on your Kindle or digitally, invest in the hard copy of this book, because it is WORTH IT! Of course there is a draw to see what glimpses of the individual you might get. Especially when all you tend to see is the characters she is portraying on the big screen or tv. 

So when I picked up this book, I didn't expect what I received, but I should have been prepared because the authenticity that lives through Taraji Penda Henson, in her social media and through her interviews is the same around the way girl that allowed herself to be vulnerable in this book. 

Being able to take a glimpse under the makeup and couture clothing was refreshing, exhilarating and a truly tremendous experience.

There is a quote in her book that I think captures the essence of what this book meant to me "There is no one way to present a black woman; we have a voice and we have the right not only to have that voice but also to see it reflected back at us..."

Now she was talking about representation in acting, but in it's simplest form this quote reminds me of two things 1. She herself as an individual and an actress is a complex person--duh, we all are? But in that how often do we take for granted who we THINK we know celebrities are and who they TRULY are? That's what this book did for me--- it reflected back at us the voice that we collectively have. There are so many details littered throughout the pages of this book that remind me of the stories and experiences that I have grappled with. And its exhilarating to see wisdom throughout these pages and to at least catch a glimpse of some road map when faced with some of those same life lessons.

2. This quote in it's essence reminds me of the book by Henry Louis Gates, Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Black Man . It's a reminder that we're not unitary individuals. That just because we have an outward commonality, it doesn't mean that we are all the same.

When it comes to acting the portrayals of the experiences of people of color are so limited and have only just lately started to see some diversity.

---
 This book, touches on so many aspects, who the key figures were in her life and what she learned from them. That it takes a village to raise a person and behind Taraji is an entire village that has supported her as she rose to her acclaim and continues. I think the most vibrant, telling sections were the chapters on her son. Those ones broke me, I definitely shed a few tears through them. And as a future mother of a young Black man, she highlighted some of the hopes and fears that future mothers of young Black men will carry.

All in all, this book left me excited to have a different understanding of the woman that is Tarji P. Henson--- it also made me wish I had her in my corner and after you read this book, you'll understand why.




via GIPHY

I recommend this book with 2 thumbs up! 

What I'm Reading: Instinct by T.D Jakes

When I was a kid my parents and really, I think more so, my dad, maintained that my love of reading would have some sort of knowledge acquisition element. He probably also stated my love of critical thinking and writing without even knowing it.

When I was a kid every book I read and particularly over the summer was followed by a book report. I loved reading but those of you with a secondary degree, probably have reasoned that reading for fun is something you yearn for, but might not get to accomplish, even as your Amazon wish lists continue to grow.

Over the last few years I've been able to reclaim my joy of reading through a book club with my sister and just finally catching a rhythm in work and life. So I might as well return to the lessons my dad taught me and share what I've learned....

---

Instinct by T.D. Jakes

There are things I believe, that a person will hold on to until they are actually ready to understand the message. Instinct is one of those treasures for me. I've had the book since it first came out. I actually think I was one of the first individuals to receive a copy. I received it as a Klout Perk (social media lovers will know what Klout is). But when I received it, I wasn't "ready to understand it's message." The book sat on my shelf for several years. To the point that when I finally read the book, I FINALLY noticed that it was signed by T.D Jakes! 

I decided to pick up the book when I started to feel like I needed some direction in my professional career. Here I was at a cross roads, the department I was a part of was shifting dramatically and there were, in the midst of it, many questions about whether or not I was meant to be there, if I was meant to even continue in that role. Right now, I still don't have the answer per say-- I don't know if I am too afraid of my own success to actually fly free and move on to something different, but that would be a different kind of post and not a reflection of the book. 

Here's what I will share with you, this book is about discovering your innate talents and seeing the ways that they can flourish and develop and manifest greatness in all facets of your life. It isn't going to give you the formulas to understand your natural instincts and ultimately understanding your purpose or passion. But what it will do is unlock the questions you should be asking yourself to learn what your purpose is, how to tune into your passions and how to take the talent inside of you to make the best of this life that you are leading.

This book came at the right time, when I was finally ready to ask those questions, to seek some truth in the things that I could already see aligning in my life. It takes courage to take a deeper look at yourself and really see that you are worth it,. No matter what you are facing and what challenges lie ahead, you have what it takes, you just have to be willing to unearth it.

While, I know I still have some details to continue to unleash, I know that this book helped me to dig a little deeper into what I have been just merely scratching and I know it will do the same for you, you have to just be ready to hear the message ;)