Additionally, I had an incredible conversation with my pastor who reminded me that our eyes are set on HEAVEN, on eternity and the things I may be desiring- restoration with my mother, her wholeness in mind etc, are things that may not be fulfilled in this life, but will be fulfilled in her eternal. That is so surreal, to me. I have been walking this walk of faith for a while now, but my eyes have been ever more set on recognizing that we aren't just saved and called for this life but for the eternity in the Kingdom.
So as I continued to open up and share my current state of being, I am realizing that there are things I am believing for:
- Wisdom in this season
- Peace for my mother and I
- That my mother will have a comfortable remainder of her life in this physical and that the brilliance that I write about in my post has been preserved for her care in the eternal
- I am believing for my mom's salvation- I don't know where her heart is with God these last several years, but I am believing that she will KNOW Him in the fullness
- That God will continue to heal our brokenness here, after she passes and in the eternal
I also got a chance to connect with a few wise friends who let me release and prayed with me as I continue to walk this out, in our conversation one of my friends encouraged me to just let my mom go to the end of her thoughts and not try to reign her in. I have been fighting the reality that this is my mom. I have been seeking to control so much of the interaction in different ways that the truth was I hadn't faced the reality. My mom is "present," in her own sense of normal and instead of trying to pull her back into my way, or my normal, I need to meet her in hers. That's still challenging, but I am not getting as frustrated and really angry when talking with her on the phone. I am more patient and phone calls are not 3 minutes, but 15 and one day 30-- PROGRESS.
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