Life goes on....

Hey Y'all:
  As some of you might have read from my last post, I have been dealing with a huge issue in my family. What I thought was reality ended up turning not to be. As children we hold people in our lives to a high esteem. We look up to these individuals and have this feeling and hope that no matter what they will not hurt us, ESPECIALLY if they are our family. It's not that you mean to put them on a pedestal, it's just that you happen to. Out of a deep appreciation, love and fondness of them.
   However, there are moments when that admiration gets crushed. You hope not too much, but when your world and the lens in which you look at others gets cracked, you become a little less innocent in your views of the world.
   I didn't ask to be put on this earth, but I am here. And what I have learned over the last 27 years is I get to choose my happiness. No one can take that away from me. I get to choose what I want to hold on to, and how much I allow what others have done in my life to break me.

 Yes, my life is painful, no I cannot forget it----but I can choose to forgive it and move on. Life goes on! It has to! It doesn't stop because someone caused me pain. And if I allow myself to stop, then what do I do? There is a bigger world out there than the one that includes Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran. He has purposed me for more than the pain that I have been dealing with. No matter how much I have been inflicted by the pain around me, I have to remember that the world around me suffers more deeply than I do. I have God and His victory and favor over my life and that goes a LONG way.
  Will I continue to hurt, probably. But How long I allow myself to sit in that hurt is my choice. I owe myself and my future a little bit more than the depression I have been in. He has brought me out of a lot of trials and kept me safe.

    I currently am in one of the happiest times of my life. My life is going pretty well! I have a job, I graduated from college-- I have thus far accomplished all that I have wanted in my life. Yes the world has thrown some SHADE at me! But I am still standing, still blessed with another day to live. I will choose my happiness, the memories that I want to hold on to and I will choose what feelings and emotions that I allow others to make me feel.
   This life we have is ours and it continues to move forward even when we don't want to feel it. So why let it pass us by and not just live happy?

Life Lesson: There is no such thing as NORMAL

... Hey Y'all it has been a while! But I definitely feel the need to make some time to chat with y'all. It's weird, when things are going great, my life and time are soo busy that I don't always have time to check-in and talk about the positives. But when I get hit with bombshells, it's like I have all the time in the world to reflect on where life has brought me.

 So this week's lesson- When I have kids, I want them to understand that there is no such thing as normal. Not that I am jaded, or naive to think that there are not ideals and societal cues that we live up to and for--- but in my experience normal doesn't exist. Or rather this pursuit of normal doesn't exist. What was normal in my life got destroyed 15 years ago when my parents got divorced, when my cousin tried to kill me, when my mother abducted me and when I rebelled and didn't care anymore. Normal doesn't exist when I talk about what I have been through in my life and I see the shock in other people's faces. Normal doesn't exist when I think about what I have been through and just want to be numb to it.
  This past weekend I was made aware of a "family secret," one that has left me in complete shock. I spent the last few days just wanting to not think about it. I turned back to my own devices and self destructive behavior. I am tired of who I am and what I am becoming in my own right to be damaged and impacted by the choices- mainly my parents- have made in their lives. It is not my choice to be born into this dysfunction, but it is my choice how much I let it affect me today. However, all of those feelings of emotional distress are part of my healing. Even though I know the right things to do- lean more deeply into my church, take it to God and keep it moving, every part of me just wants to give up and say I'm done. I would rather curl up into a ball and cry or drink until I don't feel it anymore. But I have not come through all of the other stuff, just to give up now.
  But how much more can one person take. I know I am not the mistakes and choices that my parents have made, will make and continue to make. But, I am impacted by them even when they don't think about it.
  My biggest fear is repeating their mistakes.

In my future- Divorce is NOT an option. In my future- honesty and truthfulness even when it hurts, has to be on the table. In my future- communication, with my kids and my husband is non-negotiable. I need these things, because with my family, the dysfunction ends. I don't want to live in this life hurting my kids, or having a past that comes back to haunt the very fiber of the person I am growing and developing into an amazing human being.
  I know that I am not the circumstances that my parents lived- sometimes it's easier said then felt. I am 27 years old, my name is Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran and although I was born to two individuals, I am my own person. I am a child of God, who has protected me, watched over me and continues to be here when my blood lets me down. The only thing I can do now is pray, pray for peace, pray for forgiveness (for myself included) and find a way to let Him have all the control. I know these last few days in my dealing and healing- I haven't been the best model version of myself, but I am a work in progress who is just trying to make some sense of the broken pieces I have around me. I'm trying not to drown in this either, but it's going to take some time.

   In the meantime I have these lovely words to marinate on:
   

But while I say there is no such thing as "normal," I do know one thing- Normal is what you make of it and you can only have your "true normal" when you are happy. In that, no one can rob me of my happiness and joy. I will stand tall and firmly in who I am becoming REGARDLESS of what I have been through. I have made myself successful, I have lived in honesty and truth. I have apologized for my mistakes and I have forgiven myself and others for my missteps. I will continue to learn from my experiences and I guess when it comes down to it " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." More importantly, He doesn't put you into things you can't handle. I would just rather not be on the verge of breakthroughs and I would rather live in my peace and in my victory NOW!

Deuces!!

Not seeking perfection, just seeking HIM

Hey y'all:
 It's interesting that when my world is going "right" I don't find as much time to check-in and actually write. But when my world and my emotions are on the fritz, that's when you tend to see and hear the most of me.
What I find so interesting about that, is that it almost parallel's my relationship with God. I tend to only seek Him, when the world is crashing in on me. But I don't spend nearly enough time praising Him and thanking Him for what He has helped me triumph in and succeed in.

 This last week, I went from my highest up in a while, to a low. Definitely not my lowest low, because this is only a season and will pass, and because I have been hurt more deeply in my life prior to this experience and I AM STILL STANDING here today- why because of God's Grace and His ability to redeem all things.
But I went from being Baptized  feeling full and feeling so energized to take on the world, and now I walk a little less energized. I have come into some friction with two friendships and that has always been a tough thing for me to deal with in general. Friends for me ARE my family. They are where I invest my time and energy. A big reason, if you have not read my previous blogs, is because I have had a tumultuous relationship with my own flesh and blood. But when you get to build your family, by choosing those to be in your life, there is power and something more refreshing in that. But when those members that you choose to spend time with and build loyalty for, cause you pain in some way, it hurts--- a little deeper than when a family member bruises you.

While, I am not as thick skinned and able to hide my emotions as I want to, I do know this. I am not perfect. I am not seeking perfection. I am simply walking out this life with the focus of what He has set on my heart. It  means for me that I, step out in Faith hoping that I am reflecting His best image and not my own. When I fall short, I hope that the people in my life do not judge me, hold it against me or continue to exploit those short comings.

 Losing friendships definitely takes a toll on me. And I realize that I keep coming back to this phrase that says " People are in your life for a reason and a season.." Sometimes God closes that door and it's not meant to be open (Jimmy and Anika).  But at the end of the day, there is one person that I can call my constant friend- God. He has always been there! He will always be here! Calling out to me and building me up in those moments when I feel defeated.
  There used to be a point in my life where I would get angry at those who I felt disappointed me or pushed me away. Instead, though I have learned to pray. He can REDEEM! and that is what I stand in right now.

So while I might not be a perfect reflection of what others in my life would like- I am a perfect reflection in what He wants. He wants me to seek Him.

Lord, I leave it to you.. For it is you alone who can transform and restore that which has been broken.

I surrender All

On May 12, 2013 I made one of the best decisions of my life. I chose to say "yes" to the Lord, in front of my friends and Godly family. It was a declaration of my faith and something that was in my mind necessary on this journey I have in building with God. 

To some this might seem odd, as Catholics we are baptized into the Faith by our families and friends. It is an outwardly declaration of others that we are in God's hand. It's a dedication. But the work has to be on the individual- I have to want it just as bad as the people who are dedicating me. In the last two years I have found an AMAZING Church home- The City Church DC . This Church has changed me in so many ways. Being a part of the City Church has definitely opened up my heart and my perspective on the world I walk in every day.  In my journey to His house, I have been transformed. He has set me in this great place that has continued to transform my life. The best thing about hearing and being responsive to the call He has on my life, is that I have been able to shed a lot of weight of past pain. I am able to walk forward in the path He has set me on, with no fear of what my past transgressions can do to me. I walk forward with my head held high, knowing that no mater what the enemy tries to throw my way, I have God on my side. A God who wants to bless me and see me win in this battle of life. I just needed to say yes to Him.

 I have spent my young adult life running from Him. And I will spend the rest of my life running towards Him and FOR Him. 

So on May 12, 2013, I affirmed what my parents and family did for me more than 26 years ago- They asked God in front of our family and friends to take care of me. To guide me and watch me grow. Through their prayers they guided me to this place to say- Lord, I surrender All to you. That as I walk the next 26 years of my life, that He has control. 

To my friends and family who dedicated me almost 26 years ago- Thank You. Thank you for your prayers, for your continued love. To those who stood up in Faith with me on that Sunday- Lindsay & Chris Whipple, Tristine Harris, Kathy LaTorre, Madeline Dinh, Alex Grimes and Dolores Garcia- and my family of the City Church DC, thank you for paving the way and praying me into my destiny.

On my Baptism Day- Ps. Michael asked what this day means to me- I said one word-- "Fulfillment ______________." But there is a blank after that word, because it means so many things. Fulfillment of a life that has more living to do, a life that has more blessings to give. Fulfillment of a dream that God provided Abraham and Sarah so long ago. He picked me, He counted me, He called me. 

I don't know what the next few years of my life have for me, but I do know that trusting Him is easy- because looking back on the last years of my life, He has done MARVELOUS WORKS.

If you haven't said yes to the call He has on your life- please do so today. Speak to Him and ask Him to set you in a place that will transform you the way His house has transformed me. Ask Him for restoration, for renewal. Ask Him that His voice be louder in your life than what you have been listening to in the past. 

I'm here, praying for you and into your life, that whatever your circumstances, there is a God who is greater, stronger and more able to take you from where you are to what He has planned for you. He wants to bless you, protect you and keep you as His own. Trust in Him.

With love,
 Keesha

Proud of these things: Gifts from my mother

 Many young girls spend a period of their lives in constant friction with their mothers. I am one of those girls--- as a more mature woman, I pray that when I have a daughter we miss those moments, because I miss the reflections of this photograph and the smiles that we shared.

I am the daughter of Regine Neptune and while we have our differences, the woman typing today recognizes the many characteristics that I am PROUD to say I have gained from her. 

One of the memories I have of my mother is her love of cooking. She loved to cook, and not because it was something she had to do, but it was something that she wanted to do. I know that her love of cooking has definitely been passed on to me. I love being in the kitchen, I love playing around with different foods and experimenting here and there. My uncle always talks about my mom's pizzas and how she would make the dough herself and try out different types of pizzas.

 I remember one end of the year party we threw at my house in elementary school, where my mother let my friends and I make our own pizzas. She and I mixed the dough together the night before and then 4 of my friends and I spent the next afternoon putting together our pizzas with different toppings. A great memory and one that I constantly return to when I think about pizza.

Another memory of my mother and the things she loved that got passed down to me is her musical talent. My mom was a great singer. She sang for my church when I was growing up. When we moved to California she sang at that church as well. I don't know if my mom was ever trained to sing, but she loved it. I can remember her singing at different times of the day, humming a tune here and there. 

Now I don't really like to share my singing---one because I don't think I am that good with my singing--well it's nothing to call Berry Gordy or Clive Davis about--HA! But I think I can at least manage a tune.  I sing, because music is something that makes me happy. Music is something that you can find that will make any mood better. There's always a song for every mood and I appreciate that. 

As I continue to work through the differences that my mother and I have, it's nice to reflect on things about our relationship that are great.  I hope one day that I can pass these talents on to my daughter and maybe one day share in the memories with my mother again.

Until then, it's pretty cool to know where my talents came from. Thanks Mom. 

It's a New Year and where have I been?!

Hey Y'all
  It's a new year and I feel like I have been MIA. My deepest apologies, but when life takes you away, you just start moving.
  So what has been new with me. Well, I set myself up for a great New Year--- I wanted to accomplish a lot this year personally, professionally, spiritually. The first thing I wanted was to gain a little more independence AWAY from AU.
  Going to school here and working (LIVING) here means that I don't have a lot of freedom. My world collides with itself frequently and that is annoying at times.

 So I bought a Game Package for the Wizards. I took different friends who were willing out to various games to watch the Wizards.

Inauguration came and went- but I was Miss Socialite- I hung out on the Mall and went to a few brunches in January! I realized that I like brunches and EventBrite is ingenious in sharing when and where different events are happening. Most events are $20 and you get to meet some awesome people!

In February I attended my FIRST (and not my last ) Gala. It was awesome to be around some amazing people who come together for charity, one day I will have a chance to participate in many more maybe even being responsible for creating one.

In March I ran my first half marathon. A goal I had been training for and planning to get to for years. I finally made that happen and during that run it was the most freeing accomplishment I have been able to achieve. I set a goal, I trained hard and I reached that goal. In the process, I found a little bit more of myself. Life for me has been a series of moving forward, out of the circumstances of my life and into the living. That run was me living, that run was me saying this is my life and my moment and it is mine.

My sister and I wanted to do something a little more educational. We realized that we were not  reading enough for ourselves. So we decided to start our own book club. We read our first book Ten Years Later  by Hoda Kotb. It was absolutely fantastic and something that I was very proud to have begun. Our next book is Bossypants by Tina Fey. But it's not what we read it's the fact that we are reading that we are motivating ourselves to stick to what we planned.

Professionally, I spent the last semester learning. Getting my footing and building what I believe to be a wonderful foundation for a nice career development. I have enjoyed the experience and although

Looking forward to 2013

So I know the new year hasn't even come and gone yet, but I am looking forward to the new 2013. I am making my list and checking it twice of all the new things I want to do---


Vacations:

1. Snowboarding weekend
2. New Orleans in June
3. Vegas for the 28th bday weekend!

Opportunities:

1.  Get involved in more volunteer experiences
2.  Rock climbing
3.  Run a half marathon
4. Attend more professional happy hours

Updates:
   (4.3.2013)
 I have yet to spend a weekend snowboarding, but I will!
 New Orleans and Vegas are all set!

I have been rock climbing and will be doing it more often.
Guess who ran a half marathon?!! This girl on March 16th, 2013 I completed my first Half Marathon. My goal time was to finish it in 2:45, I finished it in 2:48! AND IT FELT SOOOO GOOD!