So this week's lesson- When I have kids, I want them to understand that there is no such thing as normal. Not that I am jaded, or naive to think that there are not ideals and societal cues that we live up to and for--- but in my experience normal doesn't exist. Or rather this pursuit of normal doesn't exist. What was normal in my life got destroyed 15 years ago when my parents got divorced, when my cousin tried to kill me, when my mother abducted me and when I rebelled and didn't care anymore. Normal doesn't exist when I talk about what I have been through in my life and I see the shock in other people's faces. Normal doesn't exist when I think about what I have been through and just want to be numb to it.
This past weekend I was made aware of a "family secret," one that has left me in complete shock. I spent the last few days just wanting to not think about it. I turned back to my own devices and self destructive behavior. I am tired of who I am and what I am becoming in my own right to be damaged and impacted by the choices- mainly my parents- have made in their lives. It is not my choice to be born into this dysfunction, but it is my choice how much I let it affect me today. However, all of those feelings of emotional distress are part of my healing. Even though I know the right things to do- lean more deeply into my church, take it to God and keep it moving, every part of me just wants to give up and say I'm done. I would rather curl up into a ball and cry or drink until I don't feel it anymore. But I have not come through all of the other stuff, just to give up now.
But how much more can one person take. I know I am not the mistakes and choices that my parents have made, will make and continue to make. But, I am impacted by them even when they don't think about it.
My biggest fear is repeating their mistakes.
In my future- Divorce is NOT an option. In my future- honesty and truthfulness even when it hurts, has to be on the table. In my future- communication, with my kids and my husband is non-negotiable. I need these things, because with my family, the dysfunction ends. I don't want to live in this life hurting my kids, or having a past that comes back to haunt the very fiber of the person I am growing and developing into an amazing human being.
I know that I am not the circumstances that my parents lived- sometimes it's easier said then felt. I am 27 years old, my name is Nakeesha Jeanne Ceran and although I was born to two individuals, I am my own person. I am a child of God, who has protected me, watched over me and continues to be here when my blood lets me down. The only thing I can do now is pray, pray for peace, pray for forgiveness (for myself included) and find a way to let Him have all the control. I know these last few days in my dealing and healing- I haven't been the best model version of myself, but I am a work in progress who is just trying to make some sense of the broken pieces I have around me. I'm trying not to drown in this either, but it's going to take some time.
In the meantime I have these lovely words to marinate on:
But while I say there is no such thing as "normal," I do know one thing- Normal is what you make of it and you can only have your "true normal" when you are happy. In that, no one can rob me of my happiness and joy. I will stand tall and firmly in who I am becoming REGARDLESS of what I have been through. I have made myself successful, I have lived in honesty and truth. I have apologized for my mistakes and I have forgiven myself and others for my missteps. I will continue to learn from my experiences and I guess when it comes down to it " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." More importantly, He doesn't put you into things you can't handle. I would just rather not be on the verge of breakthroughs and I would rather live in my peace and in my victory NOW!
Deuces!!
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