Hey ya'll, so I have a tendency to make comments about love, OFTEN! Mainly because I will admit that as much as relationships and I do not get along, I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I do eventually want love to be gifted to me. I know I would be good in love and when that day comes I think whoever my partner is would be good in love too.
Well this post is about love, but more about the risks we take when we love, and I think deeper than that it is about the fear that we have about love. And by we, I mean Black people. When we think of the Black Family, it's not the traditional white picket fence, two people in love that society will have us to believe. The majority of our young brothers are locked up, dead or just no where to be found. So when we see a strong couple like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle, we have hope in what our lives can be like. Recently a rumor took to the media waves about Will & Jada splitting up. It caused an uproar in many media outlets, and caused a lot of people to comment on it. Including Will's son Trey. Some people were getting annoyed with all of the news surrounding the couple, so I wanted to share a little bit of the perspective of why it was such an important piece of our community.
Black love has been something very different then the norm, I guess- for lack of a better word. We are one community, when pain is felt by one of us, we all feel it, when success is gained by one of us, we all live it. So when a rumor tries to fracture the joy that we all feel when we look at a couple like Will & Jada- who teach us how to love, how to be loved and how to raise a strong Black family in love, it makes us all get a little worried that our hope will be dashed. We put our support into those magical couples that teach us lessons in love everyday, because we want to preserve that hope. When this hope is being tainted, it makes us fear that our chances at that magic are going to be diminished.
So when rumors start to spill out that Will & Jada are on the rocks, the community goes crazy, because for us, that means we run the risk of losing the dream as well. I don't know if I would have gotten into the uproar, but I do know that it is something that got me to take a closer look, wanting to check the headlines to see if these rumors were confirmed.
But now, all I am going to do is pray, pray for the dream that I have that I will have a magical love like that, and that my Black love will be something that the community wants to preserve and cherish and make their own.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Hey ya'll sorry it has been so long
It's been hard trying to find the words to write to make sense of this crazy world we live in, to make sense of the life we live and the moments we share with others and by ourselves. Well where do I start. I fell in love, got my heart broken and now I'm putting back the pieces of my life. Can you really fall in love with a person who doesn't know it, and if they don't know it, can they really break your heart?
I turned 26! And in the last year I have been able to gather so much strength and courage to take my life back from situations I didn't think I would be able to. I fought back from the pained story of my past- a childhood abduction. I fought back from the broken marriage of my parents, the deaths of loved ones. My life is finally mine to claim, something that I get proud of more and more everyday. I love that I get to wake up in the morning with quite possibly the coolest person in the world- me! It took me a while to stand on my own, moving across the country from one of the only places I can truly call home. To starting school and doing this whole thing by myself, to helping to guide my family and friends through my love and through my life. I pushed through an earthquake which I owe so much for helping me to find my way back to a more solid me. I am thankful for meeting Rachel Nielsen, an amazing woman and friend who helped to guide me through my pain and find a strength that I knew was there, but didn't know was mine.
So here I am 26 and so happy to be alive. Here is to another 26 years of happiness and joy, and here is to at least another year of you all reading my notes to myself and getting a glimpse into my life. Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill once said- "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse!" To be honest, I hope that my one life can really make an impact on the world... I don't do the things I do, or make the choices I make to better myself, I do them because I want the life I lead to make a difference for the young person who reads this blog, who has a story like mine and thinks they don't have the strength to continue to grow up. People, particularly my mother question my need to put my life out there for the world to see. But I stand true to this belief that my life's story is worth telling, that the mess that I have gone through, that the strength I have been able to find in the last few years has brought me to this place, not so that I could be timid, but so that I could actually make a difference for someone else. We only have this one life, at the end of it all I want people to look back on mine and be proud of the way I lived it. And to be better people because of it.
With love! Keesha
#PGS
I turned 26! And in the last year I have been able to gather so much strength and courage to take my life back from situations I didn't think I would be able to. I fought back from the pained story of my past- a childhood abduction. I fought back from the broken marriage of my parents, the deaths of loved ones. My life is finally mine to claim, something that I get proud of more and more everyday. I love that I get to wake up in the morning with quite possibly the coolest person in the world- me! It took me a while to stand on my own, moving across the country from one of the only places I can truly call home. To starting school and doing this whole thing by myself, to helping to guide my family and friends through my love and through my life. I pushed through an earthquake which I owe so much for helping me to find my way back to a more solid me. I am thankful for meeting Rachel Nielsen, an amazing woman and friend who helped to guide me through my pain and find a strength that I knew was there, but didn't know was mine.
So here I am 26 and so happy to be alive. Here is to another 26 years of happiness and joy, and here is to at least another year of you all reading my notes to myself and getting a glimpse into my life. Lucas Scott on One Tree Hill once said- "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better or worse!" To be honest, I hope that my one life can really make an impact on the world... I don't do the things I do, or make the choices I make to better myself, I do them because I want the life I lead to make a difference for the young person who reads this blog, who has a story like mine and thinks they don't have the strength to continue to grow up. People, particularly my mother question my need to put my life out there for the world to see. But I stand true to this belief that my life's story is worth telling, that the mess that I have gone through, that the strength I have been able to find in the last few years has brought me to this place, not so that I could be timid, but so that I could actually make a difference for someone else. We only have this one life, at the end of it all I want people to look back on mine and be proud of the way I lived it. And to be better people because of it.
With love! Keesha
#PGS
Saturday, July 2, 2011
My best advice is too... (brought to you by TeamPGS)
.. Love yourself! This is a special blog brought to you be TeamPGS.. The movement that I hope will build confidence in young women throughout the world. It started with a song, and then I adopted it into my life movement, something that has kept be grounded and still keeps me grounded as I build strength and confidence in myself.
A lot of changes are happening in my life, and they happen in a lot of people's lives. I mean if you don't deal with change, are you really living? Anyways, through all of the changes, good and bad, sometimes you need God and your own strength to get through it. And what I have learned ESPECIALLY in this last year is that the one person you must rely on the most is yourself and before you can give love to others, you have to give love to yourself. Not many people are ready for that, or are able to give themselves what they truly need.
I think everyone needs an "Eat * Pray* Love" moment, and well mine came from watching the movie and not reading the book, although.. I WILL read the book soon enough. But at any rate, mine came from watching the movie and I am pleased to say that I have started on the path to finding myself and finding that person that can be all that I need. I think we are all capable of loving another person and being loved, it's just a matter of time and patience.
but I don't agree with waiting, I don't agree with settling for the first person to come along either. I don't want to be chasing love all of my life, I don't want to feel like what I have is "a lot like love" but not quite it. I may be naive in thinking that I can have it all, but why can't I?
My friends ask me what am I looking for, and to be honest I don't know. I don't think I have a type, just like my friends, I like my men in different packages-- with different backgrounds. I just want someone who can tell a good joke, make me laugh. Relax with me, think that staying in and watching movies is just as fun as chillin with friends. Someone who takes care of me how I take care of everyone else, or at least acknowledges the love I have for other people, whether he takes care of me in the same way or not. I want to be respected, I want to be cherished, but most of all I want my best friend. Someone who gets me, they do not by any circumstances have to be like me, but they just have to compliment me. I want someone I can bicker with, but love hard with.. And if that is a lot for one person to handle, then I'm sorry onto the next one. I realize from the lessons other friends have taught me that sometimes substituting my career in place of finding love is a hard thing to do, but like I said I am not settling for the first person who makes me weak in the knees. I am not going to sit there and think that that relationship is it for me. And I know it's not like the movies, but is it too much to ask to have a person who respects me, who wants to love me and cherish me?
To all of you out there, I have to say make time to get to know you. You are the one person who has to live with yourself 24/7, you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror.
And a piece of advice from my mistakes-- make sure to get out there. I have a great time when I am out, but I don't make enough time to do it. Which is my BIG fail and something I HAVE to get better at. So as I get ready to turn 26, I have a lot more growing to do-- I have to push my comfort levels and get out there, meet new people and explore different environments. Wish me the best! And good luck to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
A lot of changes are happening in my life, and they happen in a lot of people's lives. I mean if you don't deal with change, are you really living? Anyways, through all of the changes, good and bad, sometimes you need God and your own strength to get through it. And what I have learned ESPECIALLY in this last year is that the one person you must rely on the most is yourself and before you can give love to others, you have to give love to yourself. Not many people are ready for that, or are able to give themselves what they truly need.
I think everyone needs an "Eat * Pray* Love" moment, and well mine came from watching the movie and not reading the book, although.. I WILL read the book soon enough. But at any rate, mine came from watching the movie and I am pleased to say that I have started on the path to finding myself and finding that person that can be all that I need. I think we are all capable of loving another person and being loved, it's just a matter of time and patience.
but I don't agree with waiting, I don't agree with settling for the first person to come along either. I don't want to be chasing love all of my life, I don't want to feel like what I have is "a lot like love" but not quite it. I may be naive in thinking that I can have it all, but why can't I?
My friends ask me what am I looking for, and to be honest I don't know. I don't think I have a type, just like my friends, I like my men in different packages-- with different backgrounds. I just want someone who can tell a good joke, make me laugh. Relax with me, think that staying in and watching movies is just as fun as chillin with friends. Someone who takes care of me how I take care of everyone else, or at least acknowledges the love I have for other people, whether he takes care of me in the same way or not. I want to be respected, I want to be cherished, but most of all I want my best friend. Someone who gets me, they do not by any circumstances have to be like me, but they just have to compliment me. I want someone I can bicker with, but love hard with.. And if that is a lot for one person to handle, then I'm sorry onto the next one. I realize from the lessons other friends have taught me that sometimes substituting my career in place of finding love is a hard thing to do, but like I said I am not settling for the first person who makes me weak in the knees. I am not going to sit there and think that that relationship is it for me. And I know it's not like the movies, but is it too much to ask to have a person who respects me, who wants to love me and cherish me?
To all of you out there, I have to say make time to get to know you. You are the one person who has to live with yourself 24/7, you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror.
And a piece of advice from my mistakes-- make sure to get out there. I have a great time when I am out, but I don't make enough time to do it. Which is my BIG fail and something I HAVE to get better at. So as I get ready to turn 26, I have a lot more growing to do-- I have to push my comfort levels and get out there, meet new people and explore different environments. Wish me the best! And good luck to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
The last goodbye... Finally letting it all go
I think as someone more feminine we have tendencies to over dramatize certain situations. Particularly matters of the heart, we get so caught up in the "feeling" that we don't really see what's happening in front of us.
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
I'm not searching for love, it might be naive, but I believe that HE already has a plan for me and that the person I am supposed to end up with will "find" me. But it doesn't mean I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for it either. I have to live my life, which is why I have been so focused on my studies, but I recognize that being this focused, also has me missing out on some great opportunities and experiences. So I will admit I have to do more, to get myself out in the world. Which is why I am hoping this transition into the world of an ARD will help me branch out and meet new people.
Anyways, back to the beginning, I think as a woman I tend to hold on to the small things and make these huge dramatic stories that are a mix of every hopeless romantic movie, song, moment etc and think that somewhere in the universe this is a reality for some people. I had a relationship with a guy (ha ha ha, that sounds so awkward). I have talked about him before.. We were FWB. When we first met I will say that yeah I found him attractive, I was 18 starting school. I had a slight crush on him. But then after the first time we hung out, so funny, I basically put it in my head we would still just be FWB. Which was fine! I mean he was/is a MAN-WHORE.. Plus we have a mutual friend who is pretty much IN LOVE with him and to be honest I don't want to be in the middle of that. AND I have been around him through his various girlfriends and well, let's just say most of them DO NOT bring out the best in him.
But as a friend, my friend. He has always been great! and as a FWB, he has been AMAZING! ha ha ha.
Anyways, the plan was whenever we weren't "tied down" and the mood was right, we'd hang out. Sometimes things would happen randomly at mass events, mostly when we were all drinking. Sneaking around a corner to make-out. Lol. Heavy flirting, dumb stuff.
But it was fun. Nothing serious.Then I moved! and then things changed. I moved to the East Coast. I met Ricky and that was that. But during my first year away, my FWB would call me- checking in seeing how life was etc. Then came VEGAS! AH, nothing happened, except for a kiss. Which was awkward and something I wasn't expecting. I started to realize, that when we were together it was inevitable that we were going to hook-up in the High School teen way, I mean sneaking kisses and flirting was our M.O. But it was what happened after Vegas that really changed everything. He would check-in every once in a while and it was nice to see him sort of step up and be a friend. Then Ricky and I broke up. I went out to Cali to visit and I know we didn't "hang out" but he did hold a moment in Vegas against me. We had breakfast, a bunch of us, chillin. And I went back to my hotel that night. He put me in the car,but for some reason, he hated that I left. So on a visit back to Cali, he tells me he "never wants to speak to me for the rest of his life." -JERK! that was like day 2 of me being in Cali too and I had like 10 days left. So that was quite an experience. I guess he remembered the next day what he said, because my "brother" called me to ask me if I was alright, and I was like it was one, no sweat and two, yeah I was fine.
Anyways, I went back to NY and Ricky and I got back together and I didn't really talk to him until NYE. My "brother" and his girl came out and this is the thing, idk, if he talked about me and that's why our mutual people, his brother-in-law and my brother and at one point his cousin were trying to push us together. I was happily content with knowing when I got home if i wasn't in a relationship that I had someone I could chill with, if necessary. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew what the reality was. But NYE we called him, I think it might have been the first time I chatted with him since the whole, " I don't want to talk to you" spazz out.. Anyways, let's just say the conversation went really well and we were friends again. The next year I started school and we continued to chat, he was great to just talk to. And the best part was that I was getting to know him a lot better and a lot deeper than the "man whore" that I knew him to be. The other thing was that, HE was the one who would pick up the phone to call me.
Anyways, one day, he decided to tell me that he liked me more than our FWB status, the problem I was back with Ricky and well how seriously am I supposed to take it when for as long as I've known him he's been the "man whore" never taking anything super seriously. But he was taking himself seriously, getting a job, working towards getting his contracting Ls everything. It was interesting, well me having Ricky back in my life sort of put a wrench in our friendship for a minute. That sucked, I wasn't ready for him to shut down, but we talked about it and it was all good.
Long story short, life always seems to be our worst enemy. I like him, I think he knows that now, but late night drunk phone calls are no substitute for the real deal. The other part of it.. Life has moved us in two different directions. He has a kid, he's about to be married, to what I hear is a nice woman. I don't need her feeling threatened, because of my actions. And I am not that type of person.
So I have been up and down the last few months because I had to tell him that we could no longer be friends. UGH! My heart hurts, it's better for both of us. And truthfully, I mean what were we.. random hookups, that's it.. And let's face it, while he can be a good friend, he's not consistent. Which would be a major problem, but probably because he wasn't confident in his own worth. He used to say to always question if I could ever care about him the way he cared about me. Or like he would say, I don't know what you would/do see in me. Thing is I saw the best, despite his flaws-- Man- whore, he is a great brother, son, and friend. He loves his "family" both blood and bonded, deeply and when push comes to shove he will be there for you when you need it the most. The night my grandfather died, he seriously saved me from the destruction, I don't think he even knows what he did. But that will be a memory I will never forget.
But with that, this door has to close. I say it a lot when it comes to him, he will be the one that I will constantly wonder "what if," I think we all have those people in our lives, but we move past them, not towards them.
So this is the last goodbye:
* To the "Best thing I never had" I wish you the best, I hope your future is so much better than your past. I pray that you find the confidence in yourself that you are searching for.
* To the dream of love, it was fun to get wrapped up in the moment. But I am ready for the real thing and not the dream. Thanks for letting me know I was ready.
* and to me, Girl! you'll get it when you're ready. Stay open, be happy and keep falling in love with yourself.
Thanks y'all for sharing in my antics...
xoxoxoxox
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thank you!
Hey all:
Depending on how much you have read and how long you have followed my story, some of you know that at one point in my life I lived in the one, the only BAY AREA-- San Francisco Bay Area, for those of you who don't know. Although the reasons I was there was a little damaging, the experience overall was an amazing one. I grew up there for lack of a better term. I mean, I did my learning there. I think the growing up is something I am just now going through now- hey we all make choices that we wish we had taken a different course with. I have no regrets, but there are some decisions I made, people I hurt that I know now, I had other ways to express myself, then in the way I chose. But tis life, you win some you lose some. It's all about how you choose to move forward that makes all the difference. The healthiest choice I made for myself was leaving the Bay. I needed to do it, it was what I needed in order to find myself.
But the Bay is a place that has my heart and will always have my heart. I built my family there. The best friends a girl could have. When things were rough for me, they were my parents, my aunts, my uncles.. My brothers and sisters. I owe them a lot, more than they will ever know.
Anyways, I am planning my first trip back to Cali in two years.. I am so excited- it will be a short visit (only a week) but one that is so needed. Last night I was on the phone with I guess you can call him an ex of sorts. I mean we never had a title (just the way I liked it at the time). For all purposes we were together though, I mean our friends knew that we were seeing each other-- whether or not we were official didn't matter. Anyways, this guy and I haven't really spoken since I left Cali. The realtionship I had with him actually was a catalyst for me, despite no titles and having some moments where I wanted to hurt him (for being a guy), the realtionship I had with him taught me in a round about way that I was ready to get into a REALationship! I mean I wanted the title and everything. It was because of him that when I moved out to the East Coast I actually started dating AND had a legit bf/gf relationship. Anyways that is not the point of this conversation. We were talking last night about my experiences out here, school, work etc. And my visit next week- we may see each other at one of the events my friends are planning. But anyways, we were talking about realtionships. He was asking me if I was in one, I asked him if he was in one, and it sort of took off from there. For the first time the two of us actually talked about a relationship and it wasn't ours! ha ha, 2 years and neither one of us ever brought up the "us-talk." It was so interesting to be able to have this conversation with him, to sort of be open and blunt and to not feel a bit weird about it. He told me he was sorry if he ever did anything to hurt me-- and I thought about it and came to this conclusion- why be sorry. At that time we were both younger, we were exactly what we both needed at the time. I am no expert on relationships, Ricky was the only "legitimate" relationship, although there were guys in and out of my life over the years. But what I do know in my own flawed way is that, falling out of love with someone does hurt, but its totally worth the risk, because at the end of it all you got to take away the biggest lesson of all, that you can be loved. Having that conversation with Mike last night made me realize that I do actually get this dating thing. I have thought that I must be the plauge or something. Going out with friends, I'm usually the last one hit on..etc. But talking to Mike last night sort of gave me validation, that you know what. It's not me. I have what it takes, I just need the right person. Anyways, having that conversation with Mike was so easy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just was what I needed to hear. I know I just said it, but like I said, I have gone through this life thinking I have a lot of love to give, but I must be flawed since the realtionships I have been in werent really that, but hearing an ex say otherwise. It's pretty cool.
Anyways, there was a point I had to this. But I don't know where it went. So instead I will leave you with a song, to all those long lost loves out there, or people who just came into your life for a reason, for a season. It's time for us to say thank you for the lessons the heartache taught us and let go and move on:
Depending on how much you have read and how long you have followed my story, some of you know that at one point in my life I lived in the one, the only BAY AREA-- San Francisco Bay Area, for those of you who don't know. Although the reasons I was there was a little damaging, the experience overall was an amazing one. I grew up there for lack of a better term. I mean, I did my learning there. I think the growing up is something I am just now going through now- hey we all make choices that we wish we had taken a different course with. I have no regrets, but there are some decisions I made, people I hurt that I know now, I had other ways to express myself, then in the way I chose. But tis life, you win some you lose some. It's all about how you choose to move forward that makes all the difference. The healthiest choice I made for myself was leaving the Bay. I needed to do it, it was what I needed in order to find myself.
But the Bay is a place that has my heart and will always have my heart. I built my family there. The best friends a girl could have. When things were rough for me, they were my parents, my aunts, my uncles.. My brothers and sisters. I owe them a lot, more than they will ever know.
Anyways, I am planning my first trip back to Cali in two years.. I am so excited- it will be a short visit (only a week) but one that is so needed. Last night I was on the phone with I guess you can call him an ex of sorts. I mean we never had a title (just the way I liked it at the time). For all purposes we were together though, I mean our friends knew that we were seeing each other-- whether or not we were official didn't matter. Anyways, this guy and I haven't really spoken since I left Cali. The realtionship I had with him actually was a catalyst for me, despite no titles and having some moments where I wanted to hurt him (for being a guy), the realtionship I had with him taught me in a round about way that I was ready to get into a REALationship! I mean I wanted the title and everything. It was because of him that when I moved out to the East Coast I actually started dating AND had a legit bf/gf relationship. Anyways that is not the point of this conversation. We were talking last night about my experiences out here, school, work etc. And my visit next week- we may see each other at one of the events my friends are planning. But anyways, we were talking about realtionships. He was asking me if I was in one, I asked him if he was in one, and it sort of took off from there. For the first time the two of us actually talked about a relationship and it wasn't ours! ha ha, 2 years and neither one of us ever brought up the "us-talk." It was so interesting to be able to have this conversation with him, to sort of be open and blunt and to not feel a bit weird about it. He told me he was sorry if he ever did anything to hurt me-- and I thought about it and came to this conclusion- why be sorry. At that time we were both younger, we were exactly what we both needed at the time. I am no expert on relationships, Ricky was the only "legitimate" relationship, although there were guys in and out of my life over the years. But what I do know in my own flawed way is that, falling out of love with someone does hurt, but its totally worth the risk, because at the end of it all you got to take away the biggest lesson of all, that you can be loved. Having that conversation with Mike last night made me realize that I do actually get this dating thing. I have thought that I must be the plauge or something. Going out with friends, I'm usually the last one hit on..etc. But talking to Mike last night sort of gave me validation, that you know what. It's not me. I have what it takes, I just need the right person. Anyways, having that conversation with Mike was so easy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just was what I needed to hear. I know I just said it, but like I said, I have gone through this life thinking I have a lot of love to give, but I must be flawed since the realtionships I have been in werent really that, but hearing an ex say otherwise. It's pretty cool.
Anyways, there was a point I had to this. But I don't know where it went. So instead I will leave you with a song, to all those long lost loves out there, or people who just came into your life for a reason, for a season. It's time for us to say thank you for the lessons the heartache taught us and let go and move on:
Time to get personal
Hey all: first I would just like to say thank you to all of you who have continued to stop by and support this blog. I cannot tell you how much it truly amazes me the people that tkae time out of their day to just view it.
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
Friday, June 3, 2011
It feels good...
... It feels good to let go of all of the drama and the ish that I have been holding on to for years and FINALLY live my life for me and for God. I have had the most amazing time getting used to me and enjoying the life that I am living.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
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