Hey all:
Depending on how much you have read and how long you have followed my story, some of you know that at one point in my life I lived in the one, the only BAY AREA-- San Francisco Bay Area, for those of you who don't know. Although the reasons I was there was a little damaging, the experience overall was an amazing one. I grew up there for lack of a better term. I mean, I did my learning there. I think the growing up is something I am just now going through now- hey we all make choices that we wish we had taken a different course with. I have no regrets, but there are some decisions I made, people I hurt that I know now, I had other ways to express myself, then in the way I chose. But tis life, you win some you lose some. It's all about how you choose to move forward that makes all the difference. The healthiest choice I made for myself was leaving the Bay. I needed to do it, it was what I needed in order to find myself.
But the Bay is a place that has my heart and will always have my heart. I built my family there. The best friends a girl could have. When things were rough for me, they were my parents, my aunts, my uncles.. My brothers and sisters. I owe them a lot, more than they will ever know.
Anyways, I am planning my first trip back to Cali in two years.. I am so excited- it will be a short visit (only a week) but one that is so needed. Last night I was on the phone with I guess you can call him an ex of sorts. I mean we never had a title (just the way I liked it at the time). For all purposes we were together though, I mean our friends knew that we were seeing each other-- whether or not we were official didn't matter. Anyways, this guy and I haven't really spoken since I left Cali. The realtionship I had with him actually was a catalyst for me, despite no titles and having some moments where I wanted to hurt him (for being a guy), the realtionship I had with him taught me in a round about way that I was ready to get into a REALationship! I mean I wanted the title and everything. It was because of him that when I moved out to the East Coast I actually started dating AND had a legit bf/gf relationship. Anyways that is not the point of this conversation. We were talking last night about my experiences out here, school, work etc. And my visit next week- we may see each other at one of the events my friends are planning. But anyways, we were talking about realtionships. He was asking me if I was in one, I asked him if he was in one, and it sort of took off from there. For the first time the two of us actually talked about a relationship and it wasn't ours! ha ha, 2 years and neither one of us ever brought up the "us-talk." It was so interesting to be able to have this conversation with him, to sort of be open and blunt and to not feel a bit weird about it. He told me he was sorry if he ever did anything to hurt me-- and I thought about it and came to this conclusion- why be sorry. At that time we were both younger, we were exactly what we both needed at the time. I am no expert on relationships, Ricky was the only "legitimate" relationship, although there were guys in and out of my life over the years. But what I do know in my own flawed way is that, falling out of love with someone does hurt, but its totally worth the risk, because at the end of it all you got to take away the biggest lesson of all, that you can be loved. Having that conversation with Mike last night made me realize that I do actually get this dating thing. I have thought that I must be the plauge or something. Going out with friends, I'm usually the last one hit on..etc. But talking to Mike last night sort of gave me validation, that you know what. It's not me. I have what it takes, I just need the right person. Anyways, having that conversation with Mike was so easy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just was what I needed to hear. I know I just said it, but like I said, I have gone through this life thinking I have a lot of love to give, but I must be flawed since the realtionships I have been in werent really that, but hearing an ex say otherwise. It's pretty cool.
Anyways, there was a point I had to this. But I don't know where it went. So instead I will leave you with a song, to all those long lost loves out there, or people who just came into your life for a reason, for a season. It's time for us to say thank you for the lessons the heartache taught us and let go and move on:
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Time to get personal
Hey all: first I would just like to say thank you to all of you who have continued to stop by and support this blog. I cannot tell you how much it truly amazes me the people that tkae time out of their day to just view it.
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
I know that not many of you comment--EVER! so I am hoping that sooner or later you start, let me know that what I say doesn't just fall on deaf ears. At any rate, the last few days have really sparked some stuff in my life.
I have spoken about the pain of my parent's divorce, the completely life shattering experience when dealing with abduction and relocation and then the reuniting and moving forward. But I know that I have only grazed the surface. The point of a blog is not to tell it all in one fell swoop, but for you all to gain a little bit more of me everytime I decide to post. The other thing is that I have to be ready and willing to talk about it.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing a counselor at my school- it all started with with the Haiti earthquake. I realized I was becoming very emotional and somewhat obsessed with the news and everything that was happening and primarily everything I was unable to do to help. It's funny how you go to someone seeking help for one thing, but end up getting the best life experience ever. At the counseling session, I met Rachel and amazing woman, a better confidant and a good friend. I don't think Rachel or I realized what we were about to discover on that first day I met with her. But I started talking about the earthquake that really happened, and then it turned into the metaphoric earthquake of my life. Through meeting with her I was able to learn for myself that no matter how "good" of a face I put on for the world, I was still really hurt by my mother's actions and sometimes my father's inactions. In my family-- and I don't know why, we haven't really talked about what that experience was like for me. We have all sort of moved past it in our own way-- I think it was easier to forget the pain and just pick up where we "left off" rather than talk about what happened. A few weeks ago was Rachel's last day working at my school's counseling center. As I said over the past 2 years I have grown so much-- becoming truly comfortable in my own skin and finally being able to one speak up about the past, and two let it go. There are still things that will bother me, but they don't consume me. They are not things that I have to worry about anymore because they are not my issues. I have learned how to live outside of the pain of my parents. I have learned how to live for myself. To be happy where I am and to love the person I am becoming. There is still time for the conversation with the family. I think it is important, especially as I learn a little bit more about the people they are and how their own experiences have shaped me.
Life is something amazing-- I am so glad to have been able to come out so much stronger on the other side of all of the trials. I know I am still leaving a lot out, but maybe that's what the book will be for ;) who knows..
Anyways, to all of you who are going through something, I know it might sound cliche, but seriously.. talk to someone.. It helps so much, you learn a lot more about what you are able to truly do, you learn to harness your strengths to be confident in the choices you make and to continue to move forward, so aware of yourself and what you will no longer accept.
And know that somewhere out there, there is someone like me here, rooting you on and saying I got your back..
--That's all she wrote!
Friday, June 3, 2011
It feels good...
... It feels good to let go of all of the drama and the ish that I have been holding on to for years and FINALLY live my life for me and for God. I have had the most amazing time getting used to me and enjoying the life that I am living.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I'm a pretty cool person. And if I wasn't me I think I would hang out with me still ;) I am having so much fun learning about myself and being comfortable in my own skin that I hope to be able to pass that on to other people.
I know I have talked about it before but "Pretty Girl Swag" has definitely changed my life, for the better. It has empowered me to own the mistakes I have made and to enjoy the present. Too often I get stuck on what comes next or what happened previously, but I don't live in the moment and now I am enjoying it.
So you might be wondering where this is coming from? Well the summer time is like my all-time favorite season. The weather is better, so is the music and I have an opportunity to enjoy me. Not dealing with the stress of school and a job, but just having more down time to get used to me. And given that I am naming this Summer my "Socialite Summer" I am pretty happy with the progress I have made. I might not be doing one new thing each week, but I am getting there.
Anyways to my readers, I hope that you find that thing that makes you appreciate yourself. I've always been told that you have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to love you and given that I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, this journey towrds love has been a lot harder than most people would imagine. And I put on a good front. Sometimes I am screaming on the inside with a fake smile plastered outside. But for once things are in sync! SO blessed!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Experiences of a Serial Dater...
.... Well at least for a night. ;) so this summer will be my third summer spent in DC and I feel like it's my third summer to actually get out and enjoy what this great place has to offer, so what does that mean? Well for me it meant that I created a list of things to do, with the help of friends and the 1,000s of websites that post about "things to do". So last night's adventure was the first of many. I decided to sign myself up for speed dating. OMG! I know, I am 25, is speed dating really the thing for me? And not to knock anyone who has done it, but I just don't think this is the outlet for me to find a date, I have held this belief that it would be a last resort. But I wanted a fun night on the town and to at least say I did it. So I convinced a friend of mine to come out with me and signed us up.
Turns out another friend of mine was down for the fun and he came too with one of his friends. Leading up to last night and the main event, I was an awkward bundle of nerves. Was I really going to go through with this and did I seriously think this was how I would find a date? Well, I think somewhere along the path of jumbled nerves and cold feet I decided that I would just have fun with it. If nothing else it would be a great networking opportunity for this rising star in Graduate School :) to mingle with other 20 or 30 somethings and hopefully find the next thing career leg up, or at leat the next opportunity to learn and grow. That went well.
We get to the location and everyone's eyes are on everyone else. Sizing us up looking around, it was awkward,but the truth was, I'm amongst 30 other people who are feeling the same way-- AWKWARD. The downside not many 20 somethings were male. The majority were in their 30s- nothing wrong with thatm, but not what I was looking for.
But this girl had 10, count 'em 10 dates! Look at me. No but really, it was a great opportunity to just sit and talk to people, meet someone new and see what if any connection there could be. I was appreciative of my friends who came with, who just had a good time and enjoyed the event for what it was, they made it exciting, they made it enjoyable and they and well the "Open Bar" helped to take the edge off.
For anyone who is thinking to take on the world of Speed Dating, do it at least once. Take it seriously, because the people you meet are. But most importantly have a little fun.
As for this girl, I'm putting up my Speed Dating nametag and crossing off one more thing on my DC Bucket List. It was fun, but not for me and not how I want to find that next special someone.
Cheers!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
So many things to be happy for...
Hey all.. It has been a minute since I have posted to the blogs, and my apologies that the other Social Media networks (Twitter, Facebook etc) have been getting more love from me than you. I do have to say however, the blogs will always be my favorite source. I have more of an opportunity to really write about what I want to and to be "long-winded" with it as well.
So here is the news in my life. I don't know if I have spoken much about my education etc. I am currently in school for my Master's in Political Science: Applied Politics at American University. I completed my Bachelor's Degree here as well in Political Science in 2010. I currently work for Housing and Dining Programs as a Campus Host (a Resident Assistant and Desk Staff Combo) as well as a Graduate Assistant position with THE FREDERICK DOUGLASS DISTINGUISHED SCHOLARS PROGRAM- (yes I am an overachiever). Because of the two latter positions I have been drawn to a life in Higher Edcuation and more primarily to a life in Education Policy. Why?! Well because I have begun to see through the many Social Justice Issues that I have been privvy to be apart of, that Education at least in my opinion is the base for which all other problems stem. My interest in news on Education, my attendance at programs speaking on Edcuation hav eall been drawing points for me to invest further in creating solutions for educational systems. I think a lot of this passion stems from seeing how education is handled in the United Sates and particualrly within Urban communities- as this is a community I identify with. Anyways, because of this love of a more focused direction, I recently applied for a position within Housing and Dining called the Assistant Resident Director. While I might not be educating students in the traditional sense, I am making a difference, or will make a difference for students I connect with, by challenging them to be smarter leaders. To really understand issues and to learn from them. I am still learning, I think that is the great thing about life. I do not have all the answers and while I am still trying to carve out what type of person I want to be, it will be hard to help another person carve out their direction, but I know that it will be fun.
So here is to the new path I am taking in life. While the journey may seem daunting moving forward, I am extremely excited for the opportunity.
So here is the news in my life. I don't know if I have spoken much about my education etc. I am currently in school for my Master's in Political Science: Applied Politics at American University. I completed my Bachelor's Degree here as well in Political Science in 2010. I currently work for Housing and Dining Programs as a Campus Host (a Resident Assistant and Desk Staff Combo) as well as a Graduate Assistant position with THE FREDERICK DOUGLASS DISTINGUISHED SCHOLARS PROGRAM- (yes I am an overachiever). Because of the two latter positions I have been drawn to a life in Higher Edcuation and more primarily to a life in Education Policy. Why?! Well because I have begun to see through the many Social Justice Issues that I have been privvy to be apart of, that Education at least in my opinion is the base for which all other problems stem. My interest in news on Education, my attendance at programs speaking on Edcuation hav eall been drawing points for me to invest further in creating solutions for educational systems. I think a lot of this passion stems from seeing how education is handled in the United Sates and particualrly within Urban communities- as this is a community I identify with. Anyways, because of this love of a more focused direction, I recently applied for a position within Housing and Dining called the Assistant Resident Director. While I might not be educating students in the traditional sense, I am making a difference, or will make a difference for students I connect with, by challenging them to be smarter leaders. To really understand issues and to learn from them. I am still learning, I think that is the great thing about life. I do not have all the answers and while I am still trying to carve out what type of person I want to be, it will be hard to help another person carve out their direction, but I know that it will be fun.
So here is to the new path I am taking in life. While the journey may seem daunting moving forward, I am extremely excited for the opportunity.
Friday, May 13, 2011
No Apologies Revisited
So I have had an amazing year of finding myself and still learning to enjoy this time for me. I have realized that I have accomplished so many things and I never really took the time to enjoy them or be satisfied. This year that has been different, I have definitely grown to live in the moment and I am proud of how far I have come. I have grown to be extremely self aware and self reliant, in ways that I think had someone else had gone through what I did, that he or she might have had a different outcome. I am so blessed to be HERE right now, and I am so over the things of the past and allowing them to hold me back, that I will not settle or make apologies for not wanting to live in yesterday. Yesterday takes away from the joys of today, and I wish some people would get that.
With that said, I am still not talking to my mother. I am not holding a grudge, but I don’t trust that she will listen with understanding as I would like her to. I think that to have a conversation with my mother that is planned, she will go into it only waiting for her chance to get out what she wants and I don’t think she will ever really HEAR me. And that’s unfortunate because I mean she is my mother, but at the end of the day you definitely don’t get to choose the life you are born into, you only have the choice to do with it what you can. In the last few years I have learned that right now it’s only me and God. I mean I have support from so many people, but at the end of the day if I can’t stand on my own two feet what am I showing about the life I am living? I think I will always be hopeful for a better relationship with my mother, but the young girl who used to YEARN for it, well she’s closed the door. DUECES to who I used to be and the person that I keep hoping you will be for me. #PGS
With that said, I am still not talking to my mother. I am not holding a grudge, but I don’t trust that she will listen with understanding as I would like her to. I think that to have a conversation with my mother that is planned, she will go into it only waiting for her chance to get out what she wants and I don’t think she will ever really HEAR me. And that’s unfortunate because I mean she is my mother, but at the end of the day you definitely don’t get to choose the life you are born into, you only have the choice to do with it what you can. In the last few years I have learned that right now it’s only me and God. I mean I have support from so many people, but at the end of the day if I can’t stand on my own two feet what am I showing about the life I am living? I think I will always be hopeful for a better relationship with my mother, but the young girl who used to YEARN for it, well she’s closed the door. DUECES to who I used to be and the person that I keep hoping you will be for me. #PGS
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Real World Las Vegas (Dustin Outed)
So I have an issue and I don't know what it is. I am confused and just trying to make sense of the world that we live in. I do have to make a disclaimer- no one is perfect. Judgement is something that we are all prone to passing even when we say we aren't. We come into situations with our own notions about the way the world works and the way we are supposed to interact in this world. When we make claims about what is right or wrong we are passing judgement about another person's way of life. So here it is, I am judging what I was exposed to, and only out of the context that I hope this is the way I would react.
So I'm watching Real World Las Vegas, which has pretty much given me the idea that this season is all about growth. I feel these "young bucks" on the show have a lot to learn about life and about themselves and about the world. They chose to do things that are questionable by any standards, they do it, it takes them a minute to own it and then they learn from the process.
But I am not talking about the other situations or points of growth or immaturity in my judgemental mind- I'm talking about an incident that arose in tonight's "episode" where one of the star's secrets came out. Here's the back story: Turns out Dustin has been on a site where he was naked, possibly doing pornish things, questionable as to whether it was gay porn (at the time) or not. THE ISSUE: according to everyone else in the house was that he lied about it.
So here's my take- one, Dustin didn't come out and tell anyone. Adam an ex-star of the show found out that Dustin was on the show. Heather, his (Dustin's gf at the time) found out through her mother, practically the same day that Adam told another roommate in the house. So everyone jumped to conclusions, Heather was crying that he lied to her. People in the house were saying it was disgusting, and my issue was that people didn't know what the "truth" was. For Dustin, he knew the minute it was "out" that people in the house had found out. He freaked out and went into this hibernation almost that I mean granted, a secret you weren't ready to talk about is out for the world to hear.
MY ISSUE: Did Dustin lie? If it was me and I was Heather, yes I would be upset that the person I am dating didn't tell me about this HUGE part in my life. I think to be honest the only person who needs to get mad or has a right to be upset and question the "truth" is Heather.
The others in the house flipped out and tried to call Dustin out on ish, when they in my opinion can't own that. He lied to us, he didn't tell us about xyz. Well that is life people! People will not always tell you things about their past, especially when they haven't really processed it for themselves. And to be honest it isn't about you.
Issue #2: Prior to this all coming out Dustin and some of the roommates had conversations about the GLBT community and marriage. Dustin made some extremely offensive comments regarding this lifestyle. He was extremely judgemental and while it does not excuse it, the student interested in the brain and the way we think and act is fascinated by Dustin's "epiphany". He is a "closet porn star" for lack of a better word. His porn was predominately with guys and for someone who says he's straight, that's a lot for someone else to take on. I think the roommates have a right to be mad at the image he perceived to have and the views he presented when first introduced. His views were extremely homophobic, mainly because he probably tried to convince himself for years that what he did was not gay. Then on top of that he probably has years of psych issues, considering this was something that had started for him when he was 18, fresh out of high school, no other options and as he says he for the first time had a "father figure" in the guy who founded the website and found him. So I guess I think my thing about Dustin is I feel bad because he is very confused, he still has a lot to process and the group of people that he has come to rely on is the roommates. And when he needs them the most, they want to drop him, distance themselves from him etc. I just think that part is shady. People keep things from people for a host of different reasons, and it is not based on your time as to when they are going to tell you. I think I was most disappointed because it seemed as if people weren't even trying to understand where he was coming from. It was as if they were just focused on how it made them feel and the impact this situation had on them. Dustin NEVER got to own telling them for himself, which I think is frustrating.
Issue # 3: Furthermore, I think it is disgraceful and disgusting for the roommates to jump to he automatically needs to leave the house. I don't think people realize that this house is meant to push boundaries and to challenge your comfort levels and that the people going through ish are not the only ones who need to learn from these mistakes. WE all do! And if you think that kicking someone out of a house because he or she did porn, gay, straight or other and didn't tell you is a little disconcerting to me and really makes me question how far we have come. I mean, fighting, drugs, breaking ish making my life miserable, those are reasons to be dropped from the environment (ADAM!) but someones personal identity and the challenges they went through. I mean I just felt SUPER bad for Dustin. I felt like he was gang up on, out casted and we didn't really get to hear what was underneath his truth (it could be the editing). I also recognize that I am not them, I didn't live with Dustin for the x amount of weeks that they did. I didn't speak with him, or live with him for 24hrs sharing stories etc. But I think people are misguided when they walk up into the house and expect to get every one's life story RIGHT AWAY! Yes it's the Real World, part of that experience is that you expect to dig deeper into the lives of people you see on tv, but that has to happen on their comfort level, no one else's.
Idk.. I have more to process. but for right now- that's all folks!
So I'm watching Real World Las Vegas, which has pretty much given me the idea that this season is all about growth. I feel these "young bucks" on the show have a lot to learn about life and about themselves and about the world. They chose to do things that are questionable by any standards, they do it, it takes them a minute to own it and then they learn from the process.
But I am not talking about the other situations or points of growth or immaturity in my judgemental mind- I'm talking about an incident that arose in tonight's "episode" where one of the star's secrets came out. Here's the back story: Turns out Dustin has been on a site where he was naked, possibly doing pornish things, questionable as to whether it was gay porn (at the time) or not. THE ISSUE: according to everyone else in the house was that he lied about it.
So here's my take- one, Dustin didn't come out and tell anyone. Adam an ex-star of the show found out that Dustin was on the show. Heather, his (Dustin's gf at the time) found out through her mother, practically the same day that Adam told another roommate in the house. So everyone jumped to conclusions, Heather was crying that he lied to her. People in the house were saying it was disgusting, and my issue was that people didn't know what the "truth" was. For Dustin, he knew the minute it was "out" that people in the house had found out. He freaked out and went into this hibernation almost that I mean granted, a secret you weren't ready to talk about is out for the world to hear.
MY ISSUE: Did Dustin lie? If it was me and I was Heather, yes I would be upset that the person I am dating didn't tell me about this HUGE part in my life. I think to be honest the only person who needs to get mad or has a right to be upset and question the "truth" is Heather.
The others in the house flipped out and tried to call Dustin out on ish, when they in my opinion can't own that. He lied to us, he didn't tell us about xyz. Well that is life people! People will not always tell you things about their past, especially when they haven't really processed it for themselves. And to be honest it isn't about you.
Issue #2: Prior to this all coming out Dustin and some of the roommates had conversations about the GLBT community and marriage. Dustin made some extremely offensive comments regarding this lifestyle. He was extremely judgemental and while it does not excuse it, the student interested in the brain and the way we think and act is fascinated by Dustin's "epiphany". He is a "closet porn star" for lack of a better word. His porn was predominately with guys and for someone who says he's straight, that's a lot for someone else to take on. I think the roommates have a right to be mad at the image he perceived to have and the views he presented when first introduced. His views were extremely homophobic, mainly because he probably tried to convince himself for years that what he did was not gay. Then on top of that he probably has years of psych issues, considering this was something that had started for him when he was 18, fresh out of high school, no other options and as he says he for the first time had a "father figure" in the guy who founded the website and found him. So I guess I think my thing about Dustin is I feel bad because he is very confused, he still has a lot to process and the group of people that he has come to rely on is the roommates. And when he needs them the most, they want to drop him, distance themselves from him etc. I just think that part is shady. People keep things from people for a host of different reasons, and it is not based on your time as to when they are going to tell you. I think I was most disappointed because it seemed as if people weren't even trying to understand where he was coming from. It was as if they were just focused on how it made them feel and the impact this situation had on them. Dustin NEVER got to own telling them for himself, which I think is frustrating.
Issue # 3: Furthermore, I think it is disgraceful and disgusting for the roommates to jump to he automatically needs to leave the house. I don't think people realize that this house is meant to push boundaries and to challenge your comfort levels and that the people going through ish are not the only ones who need to learn from these mistakes. WE all do! And if you think that kicking someone out of a house because he or she did porn, gay, straight or other and didn't tell you is a little disconcerting to me and really makes me question how far we have come. I mean, fighting, drugs, breaking ish making my life miserable, those are reasons to be dropped from the environment (ADAM!) but someones personal identity and the challenges they went through. I mean I just felt SUPER bad for Dustin. I felt like he was gang up on, out casted and we didn't really get to hear what was underneath his truth (it could be the editing). I also recognize that I am not them, I didn't live with Dustin for the x amount of weeks that they did. I didn't speak with him, or live with him for 24hrs sharing stories etc. But I think people are misguided when they walk up into the house and expect to get every one's life story RIGHT AWAY! Yes it's the Real World, part of that experience is that you expect to dig deeper into the lives of people you see on tv, but that has to happen on their comfort level, no one else's.
Idk.. I have more to process. but for right now- that's all folks!
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