"What I know for sure"...

Hey There,
 It has been a while since I have blogged. So Happy New Year friends! Hope that life has been treating you well.

My sister and I have a mini book club going where we try to challenge ourselves to read a book and we pick a date to talk about it. While we have only read two books in the last two years of our Sister Book club, the books have been powerful and captivating and challenged us to think beyond our current status. This most recent book was "What I know for sure," by Oprah. I recommend EVERY ONE to grab it if you have not.

The book is a collection of lessons that Oprah has been through around different themes- Joy, Gratitude, etc. My sister and I chatted about what we loved about the book last night and then my sister posed the anticipated question- "What do you know for sure?"

When reading this book, you begin to think about what lessons you know. What you carry with you through life and how do you live out those lessons. I knew this question was coming and I spent some time thinking about it. But I still didn't know how or what to articulate. So in the brief few minutes with my sister, I came to this conclusion:
 What I know for sure, is to be comfortable in your own skin. What people don't know about me is I have a passion for supporting young women. I think working in a college environment brings that out in me. But as women our experiences and our identity in the world are cultivated by society and they often conflict with who we are. When I was in my younger years, you couldn't tell me nothing about my life or experiences. I "knew it all," but what I really know is that as women our identities are in conflict all the time. What I know for sure now is that I love getting older, I become more wise and I realize that getting to know me is the most important thing. I am single and knocking on 30s door, and I am okay with that. Because this is my identity right now- single, woman, friend, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, aunt, godmother. I have time for those other identities- wife, mom etc. And for now I want to just enjoy my life.

So if you are reading this, and most importantly women. What do you know for sure?

That's all she wrote....

Letter #1- The things I should really say

Dear Y___________,
I think that I am going to start writing letters to you of the things I should really say to you as a way for me to deal with this.
1) I NEED you to really understand that the feelings I have/had are/were VERY real. I get that you might not understand that, it wasn't like one day I realized that I liked you. But it was over a series of days, weeks and the few months that I realized that I did like you. And now in an effort to stabilize myself from hurting more- I have to pull into myself to heal.
I think you need to know that feelings can run deep and that people, and more importantly, you are worth those investments, to know that someone thought you were worthy of a little care and attention. And yes maybe you are right, maybe you weren't the right person- but I need to be the one who figures that out. I need to the time to be able to be comfortable with the fact that you aren't worth that type of investment anymore. And I sort of have to compartmentalize my interactions with you so that I can compartmentalize and dissolve some of those feelings that I have for you. But I guess the biggest thing is that I need you to acknowledge that these feelings were real for me.

2) Push me into feeling a certain way to make yourself feel better and you are going to make me RESENT you! I cannot explain this enough, I need time. And I get that for you it is weird, not seeing the strong woman that you had originally met being a little more vulnerable. But take me off of whatever pedestal you had me on and realize that I am human. And although I may be handling this particular change in a way that you wouldn't handle it doesn't mean that my way is insufficient or wrong. My way is perfectly normal and I think that I should be applauded in many ways for the way that I handle this. I have a clear ending in sight, but again I just need time. It's not going to take a year, or a month, a week or days.. There is no real formula, it just happens, one day real soon I will just get over it.
But you have to let me have that time to deal with it the way I am and I think you need to accept that maybe just maybe there's going to be a different version of our friendship that we are going to have to deal with. Why because the first version of us as friends was a little bit clouded for me.

3) Speak your thoughts without so much grey area. The underlying messages twist me up. Saying things like " I chose Pennsylvania Ave over New York Ave," has many more meanings than you realize and well it sucks. To also say things like "I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere," IS PURE TORTURE!!! Ugh, you want to know what really happens to a girl trying to move from "I like you mode," to friend mode- EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO IS AGONIZING PAIN AND REHASHING OF THE ISSUES WE ARE TRYING TO LET GO OF. And maybe there is some truth to girls "over analyzing things" but you being nice and wanting to be there and wanting to be friend makes us like those parts of you more. So it's one thing trying to correct the messaging in our heads and other body parts on our own, but then you adding your charismatic self to it makes it that much harder.

And just speaking on behalf of me. I am okay, I am fine with the tears every once in a while. I am okay with not making eye contact with you, I am okay with having a knew jerk reaction to want to run in the other direction every time I see you coming my way. I am completely okay with this part of me, I wish that you would be okay with it too. So back to that RESENT paragraph, you have to be comfortable with seeing this side of me. You said you wanted to get to know me better. You said that you wanted my guard to be down, well you need to know that this aspect of myself is a part of me. It's not just a reaction to this particular situation. This is just me, and I would hope that you would figure out that if you want to know me than you have to take the good, bad and uncomfortable for you.
Lastly, I would hope that you would just talk to me. Stop expecting me to make the first move, if there is something you don't understand- HIT ME UP! Ask the question, and again it's going to take some time. At least respect the value I put into the idea of a possibility. You already cut down my reality so please do not cut down my dream- for lack of a better word.

For now.. Deuces!

K