Psalm 91: Mom's Song

Hello World, it's me!

I came to write today not mainly because of needing to update on my mom, but also because of my mom. 

If you don't know the world is being plagued by the Coronavirus - COVID-19. It's tragic and beautiful at the same time. 

Tragic in life is being lost, people are hurting, we are seeing this scarcity mindset in such a horrendous way, we are seeing the most vulnerable still with the highest risk and the full devastation will not be known. Beautiful in that in a time when we rest on these notions of difference, we are recognizing that we are ever more connected than we thought. Beautiful in that the Church is alive and vibrant and pressing in and moving forward and that we are going all out for God. Beautiful in that, the things that we were told were not capable are- teleworking en masse, positive impact on the climate and reversal in our poor management, generosity, Government and Businesses being agile and innovative. 

In the midst of the chaos, the anxiety, the overwhelm, I have found myself at peace in many ways. And I also know that my mother is not. In these heightened times my mother gets overwhelmed. She starts spiraling and doesn't really have the controls in place to not constantly be absorbing the news and the different things going on. It doesn't help that she lives in California and the Governor issued a much needed "Shelter In Place." And yet, my mother is taking it quite literally, won't even go for a walk or anything. 

So I have been sending pictures of my walks, where cherry blossom and magnolia trees grace my path. 

The other day, my church- Citizen Heights (check us out we have FOUR online services www.citizenheights.com), posted a devotional time in Psalm 91 a few key verses that come out

2 This I DECLARE about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety, he is my God, and I trust him.

3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease

4 He will cover you with his feathers. 

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

This Psalm is the inspiration for one of my favorite hymns growing up On Eagle's Wings. It reminded me of my mom. My mom used to sing it with me so I could practice it for choir. 

There is that beauty again, that in the midst of all of this disruption I am able to find some peace, some happy memories and be reminded, of God's grace and goodness. 

Surreal to be here: Mom is dying (Pt 2)

Whew! There are so many things... So I wrote my post, I shared it with some close friends and the response was overwhelming. There has been something different in me, not feeling like I am weighted with this by myself. And although I am definitely walking through this season, I am not alone.

Additionally, I had an incredible conversation with my pastor who reminded me that our eyes are set on HEAVEN, on eternity and the things I may be desiring- restoration with my mother, her wholeness in mind etc, are things that may not be fulfilled in this life, but will be fulfilled in her eternal. That is so surreal, to me. I have been walking this walk of faith for a while now, but my eyes have been ever more set on recognizing that we aren't just saved and called for this life but for the eternity in the Kingdom.

So as I continued to open up and share my current state of being, I am realizing that there are things I am believing for:

• Wisdom in this season
• Peace for my mother and I 
• That my mother will have a comfortable remainder of her life in this physical and that the brilliance that I write about in my post has been preserved for her care in the eternal
• I am believing for my mom's salvation- I don't know where her heart is with God these last several years, but I am believing that she will KNOW Him in the fullness
• That God will continue to heal our brokenness here, after she passes and in the eternal

I also got a chance to connect with a few wise friends who let me release and prayed with me as I continue to walk this out, in our conversation one of my friends encouraged me to just let my mom go to the end of her thoughts and not try to reign her in. I have been fighting the reality that this is my mom. I have been seeking to control so much of the interaction in different ways that the truth was I hadn't faced the reality. My mom is "present," in her own sense of normal and instead of trying to pull her back into my way, or my normal, I need to meet her in hers. That's still challenging, but I am not getting as frustrated and really angry when talking with her on the phone. I am more patient and phone calls are not 3 minutes, but 15 and one day 30-- PROGRESS.