Dear Kamala, Thank You . . .

 Dear Kamala, 

 Thank you! Thank you for reminding me what the hope of this great American experiment could be. Thank you for being you --- QUEEN! A Black woman. A South Asian Black woman. A human.

I won't know the weight or burden it is to be in your shoes, but I understand the weight you must feel as a Black woman with the biggest spotlight. I feel for you when your intelligence is being questioned BECAUSE you are a Black woman. 

I feel for you when you choose your Chucks 👟 and a smile in the face of derogatory statements made about you BECAUSE you are a Black woman. 

I felt for you and the weight you must have felt to address this country and the world, so shortly after reciving the news of a loss that was so gutting. 

You showed up FOR US. 

You carried so much that we witnessed and didn't FOR US!

I hope you have so many people in your face telling you how PROUD they are of you AND you believe it. You made history -- AGAIN -- FOR US! Thank you for continuing to remind me what matters and what our collective action and hope can be. 

I hope you get to experience the flowers 🎕 you so rightly deserve and the reflections of what you have done for so many. 

Thank you for giving me a daughter of immigrants, a Haitian-American woman, a lover of politics, a vision in my lifetime to see the possibility of the American dream for a Black woman. Thank you for reminding me what we face and experience as Black women. And that we can, we will, and always do rise above and persevere. 

Thank you for your humility, your grace, your joy, AND your laughter.

I hope you rest in knowing you DID the damn thing! I hope you take a moment FOR YOU. 

With gratitude,

 Keesha

2023 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 2

 Hey y'all it's ya girl -- Kee! I didn't put 2 and 2 together that today is January 2nd, which means my last post is a day behind. So here we go with Day 2 of the 2023 30 Day Writing Challenge. 

I told myself I couldn't __________, but now I am trying to ________.

The stories we tell ourselves right? They might not even be words that we speak over ourselves, but it might be the actions we take or the things we don't do. I guess somewhere within me, the thing I told myself is that my achievements are what make me me. It's not that achieving things is not a good thing, but somewhere I conditioned myself that achieving was my ONLY thing. That doing things, even if honorable, was who I am. But I am more than the things I accomplish, the moments of generosity and care. Now I am trying to learn more about who I am, who I want to be. To build a confidence within me that is encouraged to lead and love well. I am giving myself grace when I fall short of my own boundaries/goals. Taking more time to pause in between the moments to enjoy the win. 

At the end of 2021 I had the honor of interviewing two incredible authors, activists, leaders of this generation. The interviews are recorded and I have yet to go back and watch them. I should... 

That's all she wrote...

2023 30 Days of Writing: Day 1

 Hello World, it's ya girl. It's been a minute and there has been a lot that has happened in between --- how often do I say this phrase. It's 2023 and my hope is to reclaim the spaces that made me feel me and free. So I am back. Not sure who or how I will continue to use this space, but it's a record and it makes me happy. 

So as I mentioned it's a new year and with new years of past, this one brings hope, an optimism, a heart felt excitement that time is not done, that there will be more and that what lies ahead for me will be for my best. I don't know what this year will bring, but I know it will bear fruit. If anything from last year there is a harvest that is coming. 

A friend is encouraging a 30 Day Writing Challenge so here goes day 1. 

I'm going to stop disqualifying myself before I have been told "no." I am analytical, I look at risk and determine what is the best step/course of action before I make a decision. Most of the time that I make a decision, I have already calculated in my mind what the outcomes can be. This can be detrimental in conflict, but I digress. The truth is, I often will disqualify myself, disqualify myself from opportunities because I don't think I have the skill, or disqualify myself from relationships (also opportunities). Or even my own growth. But what would it look like to have that mediocre white man energy and just go with it?

And I'm going to start saying "yes" to me more this year. Last year took a toll on my mental health -- sheesh! It forced me after 36 years to confront a lot of things -- don't I just love how I let God push me through the rock bottom moments before I actually start to listen 😒. There have been too many times over the years where the lesson was to slow down, to take a pause and to take care of me --- COVID, the global time-out. Having a calf injury where I was on crutches. My blood tumor removed from my leg. My ankle breaking and then finally my mental breakdown. What it taught me, I need to put my facemask on first. I give of myself so much that I often forget that I need to take care of me too. Well the time is now. 

That's all she wrote... 

But GOD

These two words are probably spoken often and I realize that the message I am about to type isn't for you, but really to minister to me, I just want to acknowledge that there are probably many people who have gone before me who have pondered these two words in the way that I am about to.

.... 

 It seems I started writing this in February of 2018. By the open sentence, it was sparked by a sermon by Ps. Steven Furtick. I am sure it was a great one... And I can't recall off the top of my head what the sermon actually was and what the 2018 version of me was intending to share, but the 2021 version of me has lived a few "But God," moments between these years that I am sure this version of me has no problem filling in the blanks and making something out of the half written start that this blog was. 

BUT GOD are probably the two most powerful words I'll be so honored to keep repeating over my life again and again. It's in these two words that I realize the turn of my life. That in a moment when I thought I was down and out--- BUT GOD. 

That in a moment when I didn't know where my answer was going to come from--- BUT GOD.

That in the midst of a global pandemic where loss is overwhelming and I catch a mustard seed of hope --- BUT GOD. 

I have given up the word "but" in my vocabulary and do my best to replace it with "and." (That's an unwritten sermon for another day 😉) . 

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "but" as a conjunction - used to introduce a statement that adds something to a previous statement and usually contrasts it in some way.  It's the contrast it in some way fa me!  You see, when I think about the previous states of my life, the only contrast I want is the turn around. Where there was a clear shift, a clear change, a clear transition from what was to what is and that can only happen from the strength and power of a BUT GOD. 

I had every reason to give up on life when I was 12 years old, thinking that life had given up on me. Facing some of the toughest challenges I have ever walked out --- BUT GOD.

When things were uncertain and I was running on empty in finances and didn't know if I was going to be able to finish college --- BUT GOD. 

When I have walked with friends and they are believing for their most radical prayer in that season, and they don't know if the answer they get is the one they are believing for --- BUT GOD.

When we have lived through one of the most stressful times of this generation. Seeing an intense volume of loss of life, while losing out in so many things that made us comfortable. To relying on a peace that surpasses all understanding --- BUT GOD.

I want to be ready and open to the more BUT GOD moments that are to come. I want to be mindful to hold place for the "and." In efforts to stay clear of the contrast and hold more firmly to my hope. AMEN!

I'm holding on to the BUT GOD for the things ahead. I am thanking God for the BUT GOD He's walked me through these last few weeks and months. 

I'm Still Here

The title alone is a WORD. I'm still here--- whew. 

 There literally was so much time in between me beginning to pen these words now in 2021 and my last blog post in March 2020. The woman that wrote that blog post in March 2020 had no idea what the journey would look like to get me to today. I know I know, hindsight is 20-20 -- smh. 

Where to start? The quiet pause of my writing happened a while back. And as I sit here reflecting, I wonder if the pause was more self-imposed then the God-imposed status I gave it. Maybe I wasn't ready to fully commit to a process of reflection, because to a degree part of me was lost---YIKES. 

For whatever reason that the pause came, it lasted longer than I wanted it to. And even though I would grace this space with a brief presence, I didn't feel ready to write again. Not to the level that had brought me such peace and joy. 

What I learned about myself between the letters forming together, making words and sentences is that I am a "first-responder." When crisis hits, I am the first one ready to press forward, assess the damage, triage and get to work. I am running in as quickly as I can and barreling through until I see structure restored. 

COVID-19 was no different, I operated in crisis mode for longer than the immediate crisis lasted. I think it's safe to say to some extent I have been operating in a version of crisis mode since I was 12 years old and especially in relationship with my mother, I definitely operate IN CRISIS MODE--- what a revelation in my 36th tour around the sun. 

I feel like, if I recapped the last almost 18 months it would be quite a bit of scrolling and a lot of pages before we got to today so in short I will share some highlights and we will keep it moving:

• There was hope in my last blog post, despite what seemed like chaos in the world around me
• That same hope shattered the day I heard Ahmaud's story  . The pieces were harder to pick up when we learned of Breonna. They broken pieces broke some more when Sean Reed's story glimmered and then there seemed like there was a perpetual brokenness when George cried "Momma."
• As people took to the streets, as it seemed like there was a collective gasp to decry racism and white supremacy, some sense of me seemed to snap back. Candidly a little stretched out and not that same snap that fresh, gently used rubber bands might. 
• I faced some confronting challenges, that made me choose to make decisions that centered me. 
• I faced changes:
• My longest housemate met the love of her life and got married, but it meant I lost a person of stability in my immediate proximity
• After 12 years, a place I was comfortable and had a lot of growth, made deep friendships etc. Ended up being a chapter I would stop penning. 
• I started a new job
• I started an intensive certificate program in the first 6 months of my new role. 
• My community faced losses
• We are still living in a pandemic where there is this tension to cling tightly to a normal that I am tired of
• My mother isn't getting better
• I had a breakdown to finally start walking out much needed healing that I haven't given myself the space to do in who knows how long

And that's where I will start this new chapter of whatever comes of my writing. I had a breakdown and I am healing and I'm still here...

Psalm 91: Mom's Song

Hello World, it's me!

I came to write today not mainly because of needing to update on my mom, but also because of my mom. 

If you don't know the world is being plagued by the Coronavirus - COVID-19. It's tragic and beautiful at the same time. 

Tragic in life is being lost, people are hurting, we are seeing this scarcity mindset in such a horrendous way, we are seeing the most vulnerable still with the highest risk and the full devastation will not be known. Beautiful in that in a time when we rest on these notions of difference, we are recognizing that we are ever more connected than we thought. Beautiful in that the Church is alive and vibrant and pressing in and moving forward and that we are going all out for God. Beautiful in that, the things that we were told were not capable are- teleworking en masse, positive impact on the climate and reversal in our poor management, generosity, Government and Businesses being agile and innovative. 

In the midst of the chaos, the anxiety, the overwhelm, I have found myself at peace in many ways. And I also know that my mother is not. In these heightened times my mother gets overwhelmed. She starts spiraling and doesn't really have the controls in place to not constantly be absorbing the news and the different things going on. It doesn't help that she lives in California and the Governor issued a much needed "Shelter In Place." And yet, my mother is taking it quite literally, won't even go for a walk or anything. 

So I have been sending pictures of my walks, where cherry blossom and magnolia trees grace my path. 

The other day, my church- Citizen Heights (check us out we have FOUR online services www.citizenheights.com), posted a devotional time in Psalm 91 a few key verses that come out

2 This I DECLARE about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety, he is my God, and I trust him.

3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease

4 He will cover you with his feathers. 

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

This Psalm is the inspiration for one of my favorite hymns growing up On Eagle's Wings. It reminded me of my mom. My mom used to sing it with me so I could practice it for choir. 

There is that beauty again, that in the midst of all of this disruption I am able to find some peace, some happy memories and be reminded, of God's grace and goodness. 

Surreal to be here: Mom is dying (Pt 2)

Whew! There are so many things... So I wrote my post, I shared it with some close friends and the response was overwhelming. There has been something different in me, not feeling like I am weighted with this by myself. And although I am definitely walking through this season, I am not alone.

Additionally, I had an incredible conversation with my pastor who reminded me that our eyes are set on HEAVEN, on eternity and the things I may be desiring- restoration with my mother, her wholeness in mind etc, are things that may not be fulfilled in this life, but will be fulfilled in her eternal. That is so surreal, to me. I have been walking this walk of faith for a while now, but my eyes have been ever more set on recognizing that we aren't just saved and called for this life but for the eternity in the Kingdom.

So as I continued to open up and share my current state of being, I am realizing that there are things I am believing for:

• Wisdom in this season
• Peace for my mother and I 
• That my mother will have a comfortable remainder of her life in this physical and that the brilliance that I write about in my post has been preserved for her care in the eternal
• I am believing for my mom's salvation- I don't know where her heart is with God these last several years, but I am believing that she will KNOW Him in the fullness
• That God will continue to heal our brokenness here, after she passes and in the eternal

I also got a chance to connect with a few wise friends who let me release and prayed with me as I continue to walk this out, in our conversation one of my friends encouraged me to just let my mom go to the end of her thoughts and not try to reign her in. I have been fighting the reality that this is my mom. I have been seeking to control so much of the interaction in different ways that the truth was I hadn't faced the reality. My mom is "present," in her own sense of normal and instead of trying to pull her back into my way, or my normal, I need to meet her in hers. That's still challenging, but I am not getting as frustrated and really angry when talking with her on the phone. I am more patient and phone calls are not 3 minutes, but 15 and one day 30-- PROGRESS.