Hey Y'all,
I've written a little bit about my love life, if you can call it that, lol. I am still trying to navigate a Godly love from a man made love. I was/am in what I think is love with this guy. He has some how gotten under my skin and into my heart. It has taken me a long time to admit my feelings for him and although I know how he feels about me, choices we have made in our lives have separated us and caused a great distance.
I recently encountered him again and for the first time I was faced with what I had once been able to "push away" or what I thought I had been able to bury deep. What I realized in seeing him for the first time in a long while was how fast those feelings would all come back and how much I realized I was feeling for him. People say "out of sight, out of mind" but it doesn't mean that you actually ever let go.
I was tested, do I say hi, do I not. I chose to say something, and that something was simply this " I only want to see you happy, I wish you well." That takes a lot, to look the person you wish you could be with, a person who you know on some level wishes they could be with you and let it all go, on one account---happiness.
So what that meant is that I am still learning how to live out of love. A love that my friends and I know is not of God, but a love that nonetheless I am trying to break free from. The funny thing is that you are made to love. God created us in His image with the intent that we "love one another, as He loved us." So our heart, this unique gift of love and truth, is also sometimes our weakest link. It falls and it falls hard. We get too open with our hearts and we risk that honest, Godly, truthful love. I think that until we find that promised love we will forever be in situations that are "a lot like love." I am tired of giving pieces of my heart away and feeling so empty at the end of it. The recovery period to repair those broken elements takes longer than it did to give them all away.
He didn't PROMISE us a complicated love. He didn't promise us a love that was going to be hard. He didn't PROMISE us a love that was going to make us hurt. He PROMISED us a REAL, HONEST, WONDERFUL and BLESSED love.
"..... with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love." He promised us a love that IS full of humility, that IS gentle that IS patient. He promised us a love that IS kind, that IS compassionate. I don't know why we settle for those fleeting moments that isn't that. If I spend more time crying because of love, instead of crying out of love, then maybe it really isn't love.
I feel like I am being ministered to as I try and heal through the pain of what I have been witnessing as a fight between my heart and my head. My head gets it, but my heart wants to feel something much different. My heart wants to be in love. But I know the love I am promised and right now it hasn't been gifted to me. I need to stand out in victory, that He has already provided it for me, but I still need to live out that faith.
My future is kind, it's gentle and it's patient.He will be God-fearing. I pray that the person I meet and makes me His mate becomes my best friend. Understands faith, makes me better for loving him. Supports me, loves me, cares for me. Being a sports fan is not bad either ;).. I pray for love, a good love, a God love!
